Should i try or should i let go

[steve141082]

My wife left me this week. Things had been tough for a while, she had been off work sick from an operation and i was working lots of hours at work as i work in the catering industry. We were both under a lot of stress as i hadn't seen my Son from a previous relationship for about 6 weeks and was going through the courts to regain contact.

 

We had been intimate in the last couple of weeks which was obviously after 6 weeks without because of her operation. Sex had been good but not great and she got upset on 1 occasion because she couldn't climax while i was inside her but could during foreplay. It felt like we were drifting apart a little and she complained of being lonely and not feeling good in herself. The night she left we were both sat down and we were both getting upset out of the blue, then she said she "didn't want to be here anymore" and that "she is not the person i think she is" i asked her to explain what she meant and she told me she had been chatting to other guys online through an adult chatroom and speaking intimately to them.

 

I went into a rage and brought up the time she had slept with a guy earlier in our marriage while we were on a seperation. She said she felt like she might had been better off staying single during our prior seperation, she removed her wedding ring and as she walked out the door i told her i hated her. She has changed her mobile number, created a new account on facebook and blocked me. Her Father rang me this morning and asked me to pack the rest of her things so he could collect them. Ive packed everything, from photos of us both together and her wedding dress to all the birthday cards etc.

 

Here is my dilemma. I still love her, i gave 10 years of my life to her. We were trying to start a family even though we have had difficulties in conceiving (her operation was to help that).

I am not faultless in my part, i had 2 EAs. 1 during courting phase and the 2nd early in the marriage, but i have been completely faithful since and not so much looked at anyone else.

 

My sister who is also my closest friend has told me to leave it for good, wipe my hands clean, start again, concentrate on myself and regaining contact with my Son. My sister thinks that my Wife is an attention seeker who wants everything in life to be perfect but runs away from problems soon as a stressful situation arises (as she did with the 1st seperation).

 

Do i try to make contact? Do i try to patch things up? Should i make her take any responsibilty for our rented home even though she doesn't live there anymore? Should i make her take responsibilty for our pets as i work long hours (around 50+) per week.

 

I have cut all contact completely but torture myself by looking at old pictures and her old facebook profile. I even attempted suicide but couldn't go through with it. Is this relationship toxic? Should i move on? She said she still loved me deep down before she left but didn't want to be feeling the same in a years time from now if we tried to stay together.

Edited May 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[preraph]

Well, I'm tempted to say she may be a bit off from the recent surgery. It actually usually takes quite a while to recover your strength in every way. But having something serious like that can also make you reevaluate what time you have left here on earth.

 

I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time. Neither of you were angels, so you're kind of even on that score. I truly doubt the sex that night was an issue.

 

Maybe this has been coming all along, but if you're unhappy with it and want to see if she would be willing to do marriage counseling and try to work through the problems and learn to communicate without blowing up, then contact her and calmly ask her if she wants to try to work on trust together and salvage the marriage or not. Don't pester her. Don't tell her you've felt suicidal, but if you continue to feel that way, you need to go see someone. If you can't get it together to make an appointment or if it's urgent, just go to the emergency room at the hospital. They'd have to call someone in from on call to assess you in some places.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. She may be afraid of you. You said you blew up. I hope you didn't do anything physical. If so, I don't advise contacting her again. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

We were trying to start a family even though we have had difficulties in conceiving (her operation was to help that).

 

A couple of things I don't understand, this being number one - how does inserting a child into the middle of a struggling marriage makes things better? If you think things are tough, wait until you try them on 3 hours sleep. A bad, bad idea and you dodged a bullet in her inability to get pregnant.

 

You both seem willing to go outside the marriage for validation and emotional connection. Hard to see how any reconciliation would be a success with one foot out the door as has been your history to this point. So you'll probably have to chalk this one up to lessons learned and move on, understanding that most relationships give back what you put in.

 

A chance to do it better next time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlackCherry]

A couple of things I don't understand, this being number one - how does inserting a child into the middle of a struggling marriage makes things better? If you think things are tough, wait until you try them on 3 hours sleep. A bad, bad idea and you dodged a bullet in her inability to get pregnant.

 

You both seem willing to go outside the marriage for validation and emotional connection. Hard to see how any reconciliation would be a success with one foot out the door as has been your history to this point. So you'll probably have to chalk this one up to lessons learned and move on, understanding that most relationships give back what you put in.

 

A chance to do it better next time...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I feel your first paragraph is a little over simplistic... we don't know that the reason the marriage was struggling wasn't to do with infertility and their inability to have a child together. So often I see couples who are having infertility problems really affect the marriage, and the first thing people do is chastise them for trying to have a child while struggling, when having a child might be the very thing that makes things better (if both partners do desperately want a family). Some might say that a couple who can't withstand infertility without having difficulties has no business having a child but none of us are perfect, and it's a stress that is unimaginably tough to live with

 

Your second paragraph however is spot on. I don't see how this M can be salvaged with both parties so willing to look to outside of the relationship for comfort, support and kicks. I think you should chalk this one up and move on.

[steve141082]

I haven't been entirely truthful here. She came with her Father to collect the rest of her things this morning and said a few things that kind of woke me up. About 2 years ago i started taking cocaine, some weekends i'd manage to go without, other weekends i'd take loads of the stuff. I had lost my mother 3 months prior to starting the habit and didn't know how to deal with the grief. I think this and my depression helped lead up to the 1st seperation but we didn't think the drugs were the underlying issue, we pointed the finger at my depression. We reconciled and everything was great, we were gonna get back on track, stop all the drugs and try to concentrate on fertility again. Then this year things have slowly started to slide back into old habits with the drugs. She took them too but was begging me not to buy any because we didn't need it, i think in the end up she thought sod it, if you are going to buy it then i'm going to take it. I promised that i would stop after her operation, and although i was sober and visiting her everyday while she was recovering, the weekend she came out i went and scored because my contact had been cut with my Son by his mother (none of this was due to drugs, just ongoing arguments about contact time and upbringing)

 

She reminded me of that moment this morning and it really hit home, she got so upset, saying i crushed her dreams of having a family with me now because of my selfishness.

 

I want to get clean, i'm going to try my damn hardest, for myself and my Son. Whether she will see the change and decide to try and work things out i don't know, maybe there is too many scars to try and heal now.

[BaileyB]

You haven't been entirely truthful - you are not a healthy partner right now and this is not a healthy relationship. You should not even be thinking about bringing a child into this world when the relationship has a history of infidelity and you are dealing with a drug addiction. No child deserves that.

 

She was right to leave. You need to get clean and sober, then you can begin to get your life back on track.

 

Good luck to you. You have the very best reason to do it - your son.

Edited May 28, 2017 by BaileyB

[Grumpybutfun]

There is a time in every man's life where he has to evaluate who he is and what he stands for. He has to learn that chaotic emotional reaction is more a part of his flaws than other people's.

Toxic relationships aren't born, they are crafted and you and your wife have crafted one that is a detriment to both of you. You simply aren't good for one another the way you are. You lack the compassion, kindness and commitment to fully invest in a healthy relationship.

I think it is prudent for you to focus on yourself. Focus on re-establishing ties to your child while prioritizing figuring out why you have disconnected from your wife.

Master your emotions long enough to see your situation for the train wreck it is and not some anomaly in an otherwise perfect union. Healthy people do not seek attention from others, have EAs or let outside forces derail commitments and honor.

Finally, expect more from yourself. Raise your standards so that the most important thing you do in life is become a father your child can depend on and trust even if you are in the middle of a tornado. This marriage is built on sand and until you learn how to build a solid foundation according to a good character who values integrity, you will repeat the same traits that drove your wife from you and seperated you from your first wife.

Best,

Grumps

[steve141082]

Thanks guys, i appreciate the support. I'm already a week clean and even though i am craving right now, i won't give in to this. Mind over matter, and i am in control of my mind. I've put a bit of weight on recently so i'm going to use my gym membership that i've been wasting for so long. Concentrate on myself and making myself feel better as i've not been entirely happy with myself and suffered with a bit of low self esteem. Currently going through the courts to re establish contact with my Son, this is the 3rd time his Mother has stopped contact for no reason, even though an order was in place. It's put tremendous amounts of pressure on my relationship.

 

As for my Wife i think the relationship is probably impossible to salvage now. I'm gonna cut off all contact for at least 4 weeks to let everything calm down because we can't talk at the moment without arguing and dredging up the past, then maybe see how we both feel, maybe leave the door open for her to keep contact with my Son every so often as they were very close and She was in his life for 10yrs from him being a baby.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel your first paragraph is a little over simplistic... we don't know that the reason the marriage was struggling wasn't to do with infertility and their inability to have a child together. So often I see couples who are having infertility problems really affect the marriage, and the first thing people do is chastise them for trying to have a child while struggling, when having a child might be the very thing that makes things better (if both partners do desperately want a family). Some might say that a couple who can't withstand infertility without having difficulties has no business having a child but none of us are perfect, and it's a stress that is unimaginably tough to live with

 

BlackCherry, I've never dealt with infertility but have had friends struggle with it and have seen the pain close-up. So your point about that issue is well-taken.

 

But there's a dynamic in the OP's marriage where, when the s**t hits the fan, one or both partners seems to head for the door or look elsewhere for support. Nothing to do with infertility, lots to do with infidelity. Tough atmosphere in which to raise a child...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Edited to add the additional info provided by the OP allows some things to make more sense.

Edited May 28, 2017 by Mr. Lucky
More info

[4fin]

I feel Mr. Lucky's first paragraph was as on the money as his second paragraph. Additional info proved it but some people can read between the lines. My wife is like that. She can be around someone for 2 minutes on a first meeting and know what takes me months if not years to figure out. I've been skewered in the past by things I've written by Mr. Lucky and the thing is he's typically right. Might take a while to accept the fact but that's been my experience.

[preraph]

You've got to get support for your addiction because you're allowing everything to trigger you to use. So this is a bad moment in your life that you will also be tempted to use. I just think you need to get into a Narcotics Anonymous group this week and keep going because they can offer emotional support and help you get through getting clean.

[steve141082]

infertility has been a big issue in our relationship. At one time when we 1st got married 6 yrs ago and before the marriage we were trying. My Wife suffered 2 miscarriages. Witnessed 2 of her sisters get pregnant and also 1 of them have an abortion. We were both healthy and happy at 1 time but still couldn't conceive, my wife was frustrated by the fact that i already had a Son and blamed herself for much of the problem. Now approaching her 30th birthday i think she has maybe just given in. She said she only ever wanted a family if it was with me, nobody else. Now i think she just wants to be single and try and live her life a little knowing she can never have a family of her own. It's heartbreaking really and so sad because she is a brilliant Stepmother to my Son. Sometimes life can be cruel, we were happy and content at 1 time, now life has just worn us down.

 

I myself now approaching 36, worry that i will never settle down with a family of my own as time is ticking on.

[steve141082]

You've got to get support for your addiction because you're allowing everything to trigger you to use. So this is a bad moment in your life that you will also be tempted to use. I just think you need to get into a Narcotics Anonymous group this week and keep going because they can offer emotional support and help you get through getting clean.

 

Thank you. I've downloaded some addiction help audiobooks, I'm in the UK so may need to look around to see if i can find somewhere that will help.

I know there is a place nearby but they work with local authorities and i'm worried that if they inform the wrong people it could harm contact with my Son.

[steve141082]

I've decided i want to fight for her. I don't want our marriage to be another statistic. I've taken the steps to get clean and at nearly 2 weeks now. I just don't know how to approach her. Should i leave her to calm down a while longer? she has only been gone 10 days, and only 5 since i last saw her.

 

I'm willing to go to counselling and do whatever it takes to help through the problems. I just don't know if she would be.

[BaileyB]

I'm not sure what to tell you, but I do wish you luck in pulling your life back together.

 

If it was me, I would think that you can demonstrate your commitment to her by completing treatment for your addiction, attending counselling, and then staying clean for a good length of time. Only then, would I personally even consider reconciliation.

 

Best wishes.

Edited June 1, 2017 by BaileyB

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am sorry you are here. My personal opinion is...let her go.

 

Concentrate on Getting yourself together. Get some therapy and some help with the drugs. Deal with ypur demons. You have not been a good and faithful husband...you have not provided a safe place for your family. Find out who you are and what you really want out of life.

 

I think there have been so many mistakes made and bad choices made by the both of you that the best thing may truly be to start over with someone new.

 

Who knows...once you both get yourselves together....maybe you can get back together wiser and more appreciative of what you have.

[steve141082]

I suppose you're right. I just didn't want to be the 1 to give up. When we are good together there is so much passion and chemistry, a spark just lights up in both of our eyes. But when things start going wrong or if something bad happens in our lives we just push each other away and can't cope with stress. Twice she has left now in really difficult points of my life. 1st when my mother died and I was grieving and 2nd when contact stopped with my Son and my drug addiction.

 

I'm currently involved in drug therapy now and my 1st session starts next week. 2 weeks clean now. I've took myself off Facebook for a while because I just keep stalking my Wife's family for information (not speaking directly to them, just checking their news feed etc).

 

I just can't seem to get her out of my head, dreams are horrendous. Constantly waking during the night. It's so damn hard.