usernameisvalid Posted May 27, 2017 Share Posted May 27, 2017 How do you make space in your life for that tiny bit of doubt that will forever live in your brain and heart after reconciliation? I recognize it's potential usefulness, but what about its totally random, unprovoked appearances? How do I accommodate those? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted May 27, 2017 Share Posted May 27, 2017 It just lives there... And that is what is so horrible about infidelity. It never really goes away and I think that anyone that says it does is lying to themselves. It does go away when you divorce which I finally did, but not because of the affairs, something much worse. Now, I could not care less. But it is always there, and it should be, because you don't want to be a fool again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted May 27, 2017 Share Posted May 27, 2017 You can't control intrusive thoughts, but you can control which ones you give significance to. You can control the ones you decide to feed and explore and which ones you decide to let flow freely into the ether. Don't make the mistake of trying to stop them. You evolved that circuit to protect you. Just remember, not very alarm means there's a fire. The majority of them are drills to make sure you're prepared enough to know the nearest exit. It's a gift passed down from your ancestors. The ones that listened were able to get away before the tiger ate them. They survived and passed their genes down to you. One day those thoughts will save you. Whether it's from a predatory person, tiger, Internet scam or leaving a baby in a hot car. Don't discount them, keep them in check. Be grateful you have them because there's a lot of people that don't. I do encourage you to google around for cognitive behavioral techniques for dealing with intrusive thoughts and rumination. There's a lot of great advice out there. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 How do I accommodate those? Those instincts have kept us alive and in good stead for thousands of years. Especially in your case, last thing I'd want to do is ignore them. Be grateful for their presence ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 A long time ago I was married (my first marriage). My wife cheated on me. I forgave her completely because of the circumstances. But after 3 years I divorced her. Not directly because of the cheating, I almost forgot the about cheating. But because I felt out of love. Only years after I've realized that the cheating started a process, which eventually got me to stop loving her. Simple as that. It never goes away. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Unforseen Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 It's not making the space that's difficult, it's limiting the space that it takes that's the challenge. That little hint of doubt can be useful. It does keep one vigilant and aware of things so that maybe those hints you saw and dismissed before won't go unnoticed in the future. But as for the rest? The mind movies, the self doubt, maybe even a little leftover shame...those things only get as much space as they are allowed. It takes practice to recognize them when they appear, many times without a perceptible trigger, acknowledge that they are an unfortunate part of your life now and put them right back on the shelf where they came from. It can help to mention that it happened to your WS if they are available. If they are remorseful or even still in the picture they will probably answer with another apology for that gift that keeps on giving. But mainly practice at not wallowing in those bad memories or feelings of mistrust. Don't worry about it if you don't get it right at first. Sadly, as a BS, there will be many opportunities to practice. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 How do you make space in your life for that tiny bit of doubt that will forever live in your brain and heart after reconciliation? I recognize it's potential usefulness, but what about its totally random, unprovoked appearances? How do I accommodate those? You just asked one of the $64.000 questions and there is no answer. There is no guarantee, no matter what you do, that it will never happen again. You either fight through it or you don't. And each of us has a different amount of "fight". Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Hi User, I guess it depends on the length of the affair, your spouse's degree of remorse, your own personality in that how seriously you viewed it and how inflexible your mind is, and the period of time that has elapsed since DDay. I guess if your spouse has worked his/her a.. off to regain your trust and you trust him/her to almost the level of trust before the affair then the twitch of pain in your heart will just be a quick passing phenomenon and you will barely notice it. However the points made by all the previous posters carry weight and you should heed them. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 From your previous thread I'm still surprised by how protective I feel about my marriage and my spouse. I try to be very careful about saying anything negative, not because I want to paint some picture of perfection but because complaining to others feels disrespectful and useless, for the most part. Also, as someone who, for much of adulthood, never particularly cared to be married, I'm surprised that I do feel more committed now that I'm married. How do you make space in your life for that tiny bit of doubt that will forever live in your brain and heart after reconciliation? I recognize it's potential usefulness, but what about its totally random, unprovoked appearances? How do I accommodate those? You may feel you are committed to your marriage and it may suit you to remain married, but your brain is intermittently reminding you" "Watch out lady, do not get too cosy and comfortable, this man is not to be trusted, he betrayed and hurt you, remember that." Maybe you do need a place to complain to others about your marriage and how his cheating made you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted June 3, 2017 Share Posted June 3, 2017 One thing I will add, as everyone else is on the money.. When you do get these feelings of doubt, I believe its up to your spouse to bring you back from that feeling by re assuring you, answering what ever questions you have, that had started the thought going. It wasn't your fault you got to that point. Your brain is activated by chemical reactions, and cant be controlled. So they would need to help you come back from feelings of anxiety. If they don't want to, then you have issues within the relationship. This is something that needs to be spoken about with your spouse. Its a little unfair that she's kept in the dark, as it will allow her to change her actions to accommodate your feelings. She doesn't know your feeling like this, and so something she says, or does, may make you go into deeper thoughts. Nip it, and nip it now, and every time you feel that way. Ted Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 3, 2017 Share Posted June 3, 2017 How do you make space in your life for that tiny bit of doubt that will forever live in your brain and heart after reconciliation? I recognize it's potential usefulness, but what about its totally random, unprovoked appearances? How do I accommodate those? How do you live with bad memories of any kind? It is no different. Lif is not always perfect and certainly does not end happiley ever after. My friend (oh god dont tell him i said that) superchicken is right. When my husband has triggers...and they grow fewer and fewer and impact les and less...I do my very best to remind him that i know i am the one responsible and i am so very sorry. I alway ask...can i do anything for you? I always take his hand and look in his eyes. He can see to the depth of my soul...he knows i mean it. YOur wayward need to help you...even though they cannot undo what they did...they can step up and help you cope. Doubt is diminished by actions...If i show my husband i am remorseful...it eases his doubt. If you are worried about how these things affect you...you need to discuss it with your wayward...and tell them you doubts and fears...and if they do not actively try to help you cope....something is missing in the reconcilaition Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 3, 2017 Share Posted June 3, 2017 (edited) You cant trust anyone ever 100% that's my take away late in life. Also monogamy and marriage is difficult. I would have this feeling even if I divorced my WW and started dating again. Human beings are flawed creatures - and do hurtful selfish things sometimes - even you OP. And while I don't (won't) trust anyone 100% and will ALWAYS keep an eye out for betrayal by my wife - I just stopped caring/worrying/freaking out about it much. Its like having a pet (dog, cat) you can try to find a nice one - but you have to just accept that any kind of dog/cat.. can... or will... bite you and may Pi$$ or $h!t on your bed in the future. Edited June 3, 2017 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Sometimes what helps is receiving the notice from your attorney that your divorce is final, followed by a huge sigh of relief that this crap is finally over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
donbar Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 dichotomy!!! That about sums it up.... Link to post Share on other sites
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