Past relationship has turned me relationship phobic

[NotASkunk]

I have been seeing one particular man for the last three months. My ex relationship was 10 years long and ended horribly. I don't miss the relationship but I still miss him terribly. He lied to me, cheated on and me abuse me physically but other than that it was great, ha ha. To be completely fair, I have not developed the tools that are needed to maintain a relationship. When I was confronted with his jealous nature I had anger tantrums and abused him verbally. when he accuse me of doing things I hadn't done I would flip out in anger. So it was a completely dysfunctional relationship on many levels but after 10 years I still miss the good parts. We didn't fight often and we had a great friendship. I am learning in therapy that I adapted my personality to suit his jealousies. And of course that's not good. But I still miss him, the real him, the man that I fell in love with. But it's over now. He won't be in contact with me and I guess that's for the best. I have been dating this wonderful guy and before we were romantic he was a support system to me with everything I was going through during the very final days of my ending my old relationship. I had had a lot of hardships during that time. I lost my job, I broke my arm, etc. So he knows that I am basically just seeing him but that exclusivity is not a topic for discussion because I am just not into it

 

Things have been going pretty good, I enjoy him tremendously. He Kinda has it all. Divorced, established, creative, incredibly intelligent, engaging, romantic. He has a tween and a teenager so he definitely has other focuses in his life than just finding a woman. Things have been going pretty good. The sex is amazing, i mean, seriously. I have learned a lot of things about my sexuality even at this late age because of him and I'm grateful!

 

And then he saw that I was having a conversation on ****ing Facebook with one of his friends. Talking about Mundane things like pets and leisure time and really nothing. But I do admit that the man was expressing interest in me, and wanting to know more about me. My new friend question me about it and I told him that I would never want to see somebody who was friends with him because I really enjoy and respect my relationship with him but that it totally freaks me out that he was even asking me about it. My ex had delusional jealousy and was absolutely paranoid about things and it was really damaging to my psyche to be with him. I had to change so much about myself just to accommodate his needs because of his fears and insecurities and his trust issues from his childhood. I am not judging him, so much trauma from childhood I get it. I am at a loss. I am keeping this new man at arms length, I told him to not even ask me about other men. I told him that it's not even a topic for discussion. And the ridiculous part of all of this is that I have no interest in being physical with any other man but I also don't want to feel I am controlled by another man ever again and it makes me not want to be in a relationship. I am 53 years old. It is so tiring being this damaged from what happened to me. Thank you for letting me talk about it and listening.

 

 

 

And most confusing of all of this… I still miss my ex. Not the relationship. But I miss his friendship.and sex was nice with him. Comfortable. Despite his damage and inability to see what was really true and his need to pin all kinds of labels on me to make his behavior OK, I still miss him. If my current guy knew that I would still get together with my ex, Because I miss his friendship he would go berserk. He has seen the pictures of the beating my ex gave me and I have had to assure him that it's over. But God help me, I would still see my ex because I miss his soul, I understand his damage and I still love the person who he is despite all of his flaws. He did not have an easy time growing up either. He suffered abuse both physical and psychological at the hands of his parents and sisters. My current guy, as rational and intelligent as he hqs to control himself when he thinks of the Physical harm my ex did to me and I have made him promise not to try to approach him or cause him any harm. God what a ****ing mess life can be. Thank you for listening

Edited May 28, 2017 by NotASkunk
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[preraph]

I think you swung a little too far in the direction of now allowing this new man to even question you about other men. This is a friend of his hitting on you. You have done a lot of work on yourself and that is great. I hope it really pays off for you. But when it comes to letting a friend of a man you're with flirt with you, you are wrong to expect him to be silent about that. That is a double whammy for him. That becomes you being a bit abusive and unfair to him.

 

So in my opinion, what needs to happen with this person on Facebook is you need to block him and tell your man you blocked him because you were not sure what he was up to. And ask your man not to take you around this friend. This will show him that you are mindful of this sort of thing. It worries me that you found that appropriate at all and makes me question your boundaries, but I know you're working on all that. Listen, social media is NOT worth losing a person over or making a person miserable over. There is a happy middle ground between a man controlling and a man being justifiably worried that he may lose a friend AND you because of lines crossed.

[Cilantro]

I think you need to keep attending therapy. Sorry to say, butI read so many things in your post that sound just so wrong. For starters, the fact that you actually excessively miss the guy who lied, cheated, and even physically abused you. If I was with a guy like that, I'd be angry and livid to no end...I wouldn't be missing him. In fact, I STILL get angry, seething, and bitter just thinking about guys from literally 10-20 years ago who did only a few of those things! I still think about how much I hate them! Also, it's obvious to me that your ex was jealous and possessive of you as a way to gaslight, deflect, and/or mask his own guilt about cheating on you. He falsely accused you of cheating in order to distract you from realizing that HE was cheating on YOU the whole time.

 

Second, the fact that you are 53 years old still thinking the way you do is also worrisome. Truthfully, don't take this the wrong way but I thought you were much much younger, like 20s when I started reading your post. You sound less mature and wise about relationships than I'd expect for someone over 30. When I read the part about your boyfriend having a child aged in the teens, I started predicting perhaps you and your boyfriend were both in your mid to late 30s, and maybe you just act immature for 30s. But yeah. I am wondering, do you even have much relationship experience before your toxic 10-year ex?

 

Do you have kids of your own like your boyfriend does? I didn't read any mention of them, only your current boyfriend's kids. Were you ever actually married to your ex of 10 years, or was he always only a boyfriend? If that's the case, whose reason was it to stay single the entire 10 years?

 

You and your therapist are correct, it's not good that you changed yourself to accommodate a lying cheater's jealousies. I am wondering, do you overaccommodate other people in other facets of your life? Or is it just in relationships? Also, how much does this current boyfriend know about your ex?

[NotASkunk]

I appreciate your opinion. I definitely am immature when it comes to relationships. I had a four year relationship when I was in my late teens in very early 20s. Other than that just minor relationships. I'm very aware that I don't really have the skills to relate to somebody on a mature level. I'm trying to do my best, I do very much enjoy my new man but I am completely scared to commit to him. I know that he would like me to be exclusive with him but he's also respectful of my past relationship, he's very protective and he doesn't want to make any big sudden moves. You are right, there's no reason why I need to have a discussion with this person who means nothing to me at the cost of my new friends feelings. I will block him and I will tell my guy that I have done that. I don't have any problem with that. Thank you for your advice! I appreciate it

 

It's interesting, your insights made me realize that I am hyper defensive. Even in my relationship that was 10 years long, my anger outbursts had to do with being very defensive. Thank you for your thoughts, I really appreciate it

[ExpatInItaly]

You aren't ready for another relationship, OP.

 

That isn't meant as a criticism. It's meant as a constructive suggestion, because it's obvious you still have a lot of emotional trauma and idealizations about the past. The abusive, cheating man is the real man your ex is. Your description of him suggests you're still in deep denial about that.

 

Your guarded nature is understandable after abuse. I have been there, too. The best thing I did was to stay single for a good while after that ex and I split up so that I could heal and learn to be happy on my own. I strongly suggest you do the same.

 

Your heart and mind aren't anywhere near ready to let someone else into your life yet. And that's okay. You need time and space on your own to unpack your past and relearn healthy habits. Diving into another relationship isn't conducive to that.

[NotASkunk]

Your advice is appreciated and not taken as criticism in the least. I am fully one and a half years out of my toxic relationship. We tried back-and-forth within the first year or so to try to make things work out and they did not. And while I have been left with a fear of relationships I definitely feel ready to enjoy men again. I very much enjoy the new man that I am seeing but I have had to make it very clear to him that I don't wish for anything more than just a comfortable good time. I am not ready to commit to him or to anybody. It doesn't mean that I want to see other people, I have always been a one man woman. I enjoyed that comfort very much. One day I will feel that I can let my guard down a little bit and let somebody into my heart once again. It just feels good to be dating again and feeling the energy and sexual comfort of somebody who is protective and kind to me. I am straight up with him about my feelings so that I do not lead him on. He is free to pursue other interest if that is what he wants to do though I think he would prefer to stick around and see how things go with me. I know that he has feelings for me.

 

Thank you for your good advice! I appreciate it