onehalfmunky Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 (edited) I am dealing with the ongoing nightmare--the fact my husband cheated 5 years ago and just recently admitted his affair to me (when he felt we are the strongest we have ever been in our 11 years as a couple--financially anyway). I chose to vent in this forum because I know he's tired of me trying to fill in the blanks of the story of his affair by asking him questions about the details of the affair. I am still in disbelief he went so low as to run around with the company he did when he chose to cheat. More than anything, i want to move on and close this horrible chapter of the book we have written together. His excuse to cheat on me was an imagined and extremely impossible relationship between me and an ex-boyfriend from my college years. At the time of my husband and my relationship implosion, I had recently gone back to work gradually full-time from taking off 3 months maternity leave with our son. I nursed my baby exclusively for almost 5 months as that was my son's preference. I also am a step mother to my husband's daughter, who was 8 at that time. I was and still am the one who makes sure she does her homework, goes to bed, and gets up for school. She spends summers with her mother. During my maternity leave and gradual reentry to the workforce, my husband worked a lot of hours at his employer as he felt he needed to contribute more since I want making as much as what we were used to. During this time(mid 2011), he met a young (9yrs his junior), cute, petite (which I am not) long-haired brunette (I was pixie cut-Platinum blonde at the time) co-worker. This girl was 5 years younger than me. She wasn't tied down to the family life as he was. She had no children and was a weekend partier. She was completely unlike myself in every way (including personality). I never partied on the weekends. I graduated from college with a degree of study that I was employed in. I have never smoked marijuana, but that was this girl's vice: she had to have it and would do just about anything to get it. On Thanksgiving of that year, my husband chose to ask for a separation to help us "sort things out." He said that we won't know what we have unless it's gone. Before he slept with his PYT from work, he invited her to his family's Christmas party which he told me to not attend that year (our son's 1st Christmas). While there, she attended his family's "safety meeting," which is something neither my husband it I participate in. He even admitted she smoked more than once while she was there (attended multiple safety meetings). She showed him her true colors and I guess he still felt she was better than me in every way he could imagine. He admitted to me that he hung out with her in New Year's Eve 2012 because neither of them had anywhere else to go. I stayed home alone with my our son who had just turned 1. My step daughter was visiting her mother in a different state. While my baby and I called it a night after the ball dropped to ring in the new year, my husband was dropping the ball on our relationship by having sex with his coworker instead. I will not go into all the details of what all they did, but he continued his sexual relationship with her for about 3 months. He even bought her flowers for Valentine's Day, while I, the mother of his only son, was paying half his bills--including the car he drove her around in. While he would usually worked weekends to make more money, she would go out with friends and party. He did admit he got tired of her behavior if they were to continue to be "a couple" and finally quit physical contact/sexual relations with her. He approached me in April of that year, close to our 4th wedding anniversary, asking for both of us to put our past behind us and start dating each other again (I had no "past" as I never slept around on him, which he still tried to convince himself of until his admission in the recent months). I agreed as I didn't want to lose the ability to care for his daughter and I wanted my son to have his father in his life. We agreed to work on the future as a family together (I, the optimistic one, stayed in the dark about most of the details of his affair until recently). I truly took a leap of faith & don't think I would have agreed to be with him had I known he did stray from our marriage bed. Fast forwarding from then to now, I am haunted by my desire to know WHY. I battle the realities of this recent information and struggle to keep it to myself. I ask him many questions. He gets frustrated with me and my questions and thinks I can't let get over it. I just want to know everything now so nothing of detail pops up in the future as a surprise. I'm wanting to bury the hatchet, but why did he hate everything that made me ME so much as to do this to me? Now, he constantly brags about how hardworking of a woman i am, and how great of a wife I am to him. He thinks I am a great mother to our children too. Is he just now realizing this? Why would he chose a woman who was completely opposite of everything I am and stand for? What was he trying to prove? I still feel he is withholding information. We are about to have a long drive together (6+hrs) in the next week as we drop his daughter off with his ex wife. Should I bring up my questions to him to try finalize my understanding of the affair or leave it alone and wait until he is ready to reveal more? Edited December 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 I think you would be best to book an appointment with a couple's counselor so there is someone to moderate the discussion. If he's getting tired of going over the details, it's unlikely that saving all the questions for a 6-hour drive is going to be very productive. It likely won't finalize your understanding of his affair, either. It will provide more context but I don't think you'll gain a sense of closure from this one talk - that will be an ongoing process, requiring effort from both you and your husband. However, I do think you need to find out if he is still in contact with his Other Woman in any way. Also, I would question why he is telling you this now, 5 years later. Yes, it's important that you know about it - but I would be wondering what triggered him to confess, exactly. Maybe she's been in touch and threatened to expose him. Maybe it's been an ongoing affair that ended more recently than he's claiming. It seems a bit suspect that he kept this hidden for years and now has decided to come clean. Try to get to the bottom of that too. Just out of my own curiosity, what is a "safety meeting"? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 Just out of my own curiosity, what is a "safety meeting"? Urban Dictionary: safety meeting 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 Urban Dictionary: safety meeting I learn something new every day! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 He is doing what many cheaters do, he is rug sweeping. He knows that you are going nowhere, so he sees no point in discussing it, as far as he is concerned you just need to grow up and get over it and stop bothering him. But that is not really how it works, in order to mend your marriage completely you need to hear and see remorse from him and if you don't, then you will harbour understandable resentment, he will get angry too and withdraw, and before you know it he will be back seeing the OW or someone else and you will be miserable. ExpatinItaly is right you need to get to the bottom of this. Get professional help here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 Elaine is right. Your husband has done nothing to help you heal. He needs to tell you everything you want to know...he needs to become completely transparent and give you all of his passwords to all of his accounts...social and financial. He needs to shore up his bopundaries according to what YOU are comfortable with. You both need individual therapy first...then move to couples therapy. He is rug sweeping...gas lighting....and trickle truthing with the best of the cheaters. You cannot possibly heal if he doesn't help you heal.He has to do his part. I suggest you both read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. You can download it. It is free and only 95 pages. I would also suggest you see a lawyer to find out all of your rights and how to approach them...just in case your husband is blowing smoke about this reconciliation. You cannot reconcile alone....he has to do his part. That means confessing and doing everything he can to make you feel safe. You may never know WHY....but this i can tell you. It was not you...it was him. He wanted to...so he did. He became selfish and self entitled and was wiling to lose everything for some feel good moments. He took away your voice and power by cheating on you withput asking your permission.....it is up to you now to take back your power and let him know...you will now be calling the shots in this relationship. If he doesn't agree to it... show him your divorce papers. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. He has done neither. I am really sorry you are here. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 Urban Dictionary: safety meeting We have OSHA mandated safety meetings at work and, trust me, they're not nearly that much fun. Las month's topic - "ladder usage and safety" ... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 I thought it was something out of the OH&S manual! I too, learnt something today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author onehalfmunky Posted May 29, 2017 Author Share Posted May 29, 2017 Thank you all for your support and input! The smoking of pot was really the true confusion factor for me and I know he has never and never plans on doing it himself. That is one of our commonalities. My thoughts are either he knew he would never take his relationship with her that far because he knew she wasn't ultimately what he wanted or he was just wanting to experience something new. I will discuss my personal struggles with digesting this information and suggest counseling on our long road trip. The most he has done to let me know he resents it is tell me he has nightmares about it, cries about it (although, I've never witnessed it), and told his grandfather about it. To counseling we must go... Link to post Share on other sites
Author onehalfmunky Posted May 29, 2017 Author Share Posted May 29, 2017 And I am not sure if he has contact with her or not. He did tell me he saw her on the freeway with a baby in the backseat of her car. Supposedly this was 2 years after we got back together. He seemed to know several details about her so I'm sure he has kept somewhat of contact. When he told me she had a baby I laughed and said he could have been just another sperm donor, that maybe that's all he wanted. I know it probably hurt his feeling but I don't care. He acted the way he did when our only child together was a 1 yr old. Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted June 3, 2017 Share Posted June 3, 2017 My thoughts are either he knew he would never take his relationship with her that far because he knew she wasn't ultimately what he wanted or he was just wanting to experience something new. ... Smack on right !. Of course he just wanted to play around with her. He had a wife, but didn't have the "Excitement". She was young, fresh, different. I mean, what guy doesn't want to leave his "Station wagon" at home, and drive a Lexus sedan for a few weeks. Problem is, the Lexus is expensive to maintain, and requires premium fuel to keep it running. Resale value is crappy to boot. However, the old station wagon, seats all the family, holds that extra bit a crap in the back, and just runs for ever. Time for you to get him to pay for some "Premium" on you. You need all your questions answered. Maybe print out some doc's about things the betrayed needs answered.. There's a few of these on this site. Get him to read it, and maybe, his heart starts pumping blood again. Don't stop the push for these answers, as without it, you will not be able to proceed forward. Ted (Lexus Owner ) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Unforseen Posted June 3, 2017 Share Posted June 3, 2017 There is absolutely no way that you can be expected to just get over it. As a consequence of his actions, your husband needs to be accountable to you for what he did and really understand how his betrayal affects you. I'm sure that he is both embarrassed and ashamed of what he did, especially if he is serious about making big positive changes for your marriage. Well he's had 5 years to process things and come to terms with it and there's no way you can be expected to in a few weeks without any of the information. My W spent about a year and a half keeping me mostly in the dark about the full nature of her EA. She was very much ashamed and embarrassed by what she had done and had no desire to relive it just to give me peace of mind. Even though some aspects of our relationship did improve that need to know what I was supposed to be getting over was quickly driving me bonkers. Through this forum I was introduced to something called Joseph's letter. Reading that and then writing my W my own version helped her to see the importance of fully confessing everything and answering any questions that I had was to the process of reconciliation. It might be worth a look for you. SurvivingInfidelity.com - Joseph's Letter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author onehalfmunky Posted June 4, 2017 Author Share Posted June 4, 2017 Thanks guys! I know I'm no Lexus, maybe not even a newer Ford or Chevy! I always knew I was more if the motherly sort although I have been know to do some pretty explorative things in the bedroom. Maybe I'm like a kind of beat-up El Camino as I have no true physical properties (beauty) that sets me apart from other women in a positive light. I do have lots of scars from a car accident I was involved in as a teen. This includes as the hospital records state "disfiguring scaring on the face." That would be more of a negative quality that most women do not have. My H always seemed to admire my scars and my confidence in my differences that set me apart from everyone else. I am proud of my dents as they are a reminder of how lucky I am to be alive. When it all boils down, I am simply a rusty, dented & over-used car is simply not at all that enticing to keep. As much as I would love to hang on to my youth, I am in my 30's and my body has started to sag. I've recently gotten into weightlifting to get my mind off of the mess of his affair I don't want to think about. I feel healthier and that my body is in better shape than when my H & I first met. But he has hardly noticed. Tomorrow is our "alone time" on the road and I'm still unsure of bringing the affair up. I get these ridiculous thoughts and questions that pop up when we are alone like "what brand of condoms did you use with her?" "Where did you get the condoms? or "what did she sound like when you made her cum?" He claims he never came in her but I have my doubts. He also has always loved the sounds I make compared to his past lovers and this "new yet old" info just makes me curious. Was there anything she did that he liked better with her than me? I do thank you for your letter to read. It helps me feel better about my curiosities that will not go away. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 I understand that you feel this way... But what you need to understand is that your husbands affair has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is about him, his selfishness, his low character, his issues. It has nothing to do with you being pretty enough or good enough in bed or any of that. His affair is about him. I know it makes you feel like you were not good enough, but it is not that. So putting yourself down and thinking negative thoughts is just silly. And he should answer all of the questions that you have, that will help you heal. And he should be the one helping you heal... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author onehalfmunky Posted June 4, 2017 Author Share Posted June 4, 2017 Thanks, I just can't help but feel there was a physical component due to my appearance. I know he was struggling with being overworked in a low paying job. I agree with you on the fact he was selfish in his actions. The way he let our family brought me to the brink of calling an attorney. I just knew if we divorced, I would have no connection to his daughter, who I had help raise since she was 3. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author onehalfmunky Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 We did talk a bit about it towards the end of the trip as we were traveling through the town where the affair mess occurred. He admitted his self esteem was very low and he felt undeserving of me and the kids. He said he searched for the wrong type of attention (that I couldn't give because I was always with the kids) and he wishes he could get rid of those memories as every time he was with her he was thinking of me. I told him if he does it again, we obviously weren't meant to be and it will be over. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 I told him if he does it again, we obviously weren't meant to be and it will be over. That was a good idea. If he does it again, he can't say you didn't warn him. Link to post Share on other sites
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