How do I go on when all hope seems gone?

[catjudo]

I'm looking behind me now, into a past of better years. A past where I fell in love with a beautiful girl, and after eight years of dating, we married. Along the way we met lots of fun people and did many exciting things, everything from museum trips to moving off the East Coast to Colorado. Things were going well, but as things tend to do, they came crashing to an end in a train wreck of shattered dreams both professional and personal. Within a year of our marriage, she lost interest in me and just withdrew, eventually to leave altogether, not for the arms of another man, but simply because she just lost interest in me. And somehow I started over, moving to a new state, starting a new college program, and meeting someone new. It wasn't the magic of before, but I loved her and she loved me, and we were soon married and parents of a beautiful daughter. But life again kicked me in the teeth and this too ended within a few tumultuous years. This time I was left broken in body and spirit, and after she was finished with her task of cleaning me out, she remained as our daughter's primary caregiver and the scourge of my existence.

Coming back to the present, life is so different. I remain on disability, both because of my medical condition and because it provides me with a steady source of child support for my daughter. I cannot hold down steady work because of the anxiety problems I now suffer from, plus the constant pain I now find myself enduring. At 43, I have come full circle and now live with my parents again, a particular humiliation that sees no end in the immediate future. Once social and enthusiastic, I now rarely leave the house, and when I do, I feel out of place, a ghost of a man among a world of material beings. I have no close friends, a handful of shallow acquaintances, and a sense of longing that gnaws at me like some insatiable rodent that never sleeps. I dream of companionship, of friends to call my own, and perhaps even a lady who could love me as I am, broken and grotesque. I feel so much hurt, but I still have love to give. But day after day, year after year, I remain cloistered in a single room, realizing that I have nothing to give, nothing to offer. I have neither money nor independence, and even my own daughter laughs at me, taunting me with cruel musings, a girl who would love to live with me, and my parents, and our cat.

It's times like these when I question whether my best days really were behind me. In the past I had hope that was founded on realistic expectations, not the pipe dreams of an addled mind. Now the hopes I hold sing to me a potent mix, equal parts pain and anger. I wish I knew how to let go, to have the courage to let it drift away on a sunset wind, but I don't. I wish I felt nothing, so that no pain could reach me, but though I long to emulate the song I am neither a rock nor an island. All that is left is to look behind into a past filled with my best years receding, then to look forward into a future barren, kingdom of sand, and ask myself if despite the things I've done and the work I invested, my future houses nothing but a desiccated wasteland? If so, why am I still alive to face a future where the only hope proves misplaced and misguided? Why do I go on?

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. However, I'm going to give you some tough love in response.

 

The thing which strikes me most about your writing is that you appear to feel you're a victim of circumstance. Things don't "tend to" come crashing down unless bad choices have been made upon the way. Not once in all of this writing have you taken responsibility for your situation. It's exceedingly rare that marriages end because our partner was 100% wrong - and I doubt that you were perfect in both failed marriages.

 

And what kind of role model are you for your daughter, being cloistered in a single room being supported by your parents? It's no surprise she shows you little respect. Out of curiosity, how do you react when she's being disrespectful to you? And how old is she?

 

How have you been proactive in taking control of your life again? How much work have you done with your psychologist or psychiatrist regarding your state of mind? Are you getting medication and strategies to help you get back in control of your emotions?

 

What are your parents saying about all of this? They must be at the end of their tether.

[preraph]

I think the goal is to work on your anxiety and depression with a professional and get you fit to be active again emotionally. I know what that's like. You need to see a professional and see if you can get feeling some better some way. You will not be happy until you get your life-style back and become active again. In the meantime I will tell you what helped me a little when I was down and out, and that is doing volunteer work just a couple hours a week for something you're passionate about. Whether that is working to help other disabled or helping rescue animals or working at the zoo or tutoring or mentoring kids or teens, whether that is becoming active in your community Crime Watch helping law enforcement, it will give you a purpose and maybe a passion, a new perspective, and it will give you something new to talk about, as well as all those things combined will boost your crushed self-esteem. I highly recommend it. You might even make a new friend.

 

Look for organizations for other disabled people. My cousin, a Gulf War Marine, got his let taken off in a motorcycle accident several years ago and this was very rough on him. Fortunately, he worked at the VA and so there were people there to rally around him and soon disabled Marines came and worked on his home and kept him company and asked him to social events. So seek others like you and seek professional help to keep from drowning. I want you to get your head up above this downward spiral and take something back from how you used to be. FIGHT for that.

[neowulf]

If so, why am I still alive to face a future where the only hope proves misplaced and misguided? Why do I go on?

 

I'm so sorry for your situation. It sounds extremely difficult and disheartening.

As someone who's struggled with depression for many years, I can understand what it feels like to ask "Why do I bother going on?".

 

There are a couple of things that help me when I get this way;

 

1) This is your one and only chance at existence. Life is going to kill us all in the end. Don't do it any favors. Struggle every day to make it just a little better than the day before.

 

2) From little things, big things grow;

 

The small change you make today, the choices you *keep* on making, those are the ones that build your life. It's seldom the huge moments that shape a life. It's a smaller, constant choices that shape us and our direction.

 

Find the smallest thing you can change, the smallest step, and commit to it.

In your case, that small step should be finding a counselor to help you.

 

Having someone in your corner, while you drag yourself back into the world, is huge. Don't be afraid to need support. All of us stumble.

 

Please, get the help you need and get started. Every day you wait is one day further from the life you want to be living.

[Abhainn]

Hi there, Catjudo!

 

It really sounds like you feel like a ghost of yourself right now, like you feel in some ways like you're already dead. And when you say that you really feel this gnawing sense of longing that just won't stop, I'm wondering if you're feeling really abandoned and isolated?

 

Also, when you ask in your main question title, "how do I go on when all hope is gone" I'm wondering if you are thinking about killing yourself?

 

It really sounds like there is a large part of you right now that feels so hopeless, like the best years of your life are behind you and that that part of you really might be thinking of ending your life, but I also know that there is a small part of you, the part of you that posted here today, the part of you that really does that really does want to know how to keep going when it feels like all your hope is gone, that part of you does want to stay safe!

 

It sounds like between your depression, your anxiety, and the really painful relationship ends you are struggling to see what hope there is, right now and I want to let you know that I volunteer for a crisis call line and am extensively trained in listening and helping people who are considering ending their lives. If we were on the phone right now, I would listen to your story, reflect back some of the surface feelings and feelings that might be under the surface, and listen for things that give you hope that keep you connected to life that you might not even be able to see yourself, right now, but are very probably there. I would ask you some questions about whether you had a plan and the means as well, but I suspect that I am already skirting the rules by posting what I have so far (rules are definitely important to follow, but for me human life is far more important!)

 

I'm writing this to just reflect back that though it really sounds like there is a big part of you that feels so incredibly broken, grotesque and unlovable--that part of you very well might be thinking of ending your life, it also really sounds like the part of you that still feels like you have love to give, the part of you that wants to find love, companionship, and that wants to find those threads of hope to keep you going right now, that that part of you wants to stay safe!

 

If you are feeling like ending your life, I really encourage you to call the NSPL. I know it can feel really scary to call, and to talk about these feelings and thoughts that you are having, its just that I really hear that there are these two sides right now, and calling the NSPL will give you the chance to listen to both and weigh both before making a decision that you cannot ever take back.

 

The number is 1-800-273-8255.