What Has Happened to Me?

[Logo]

I got out of a relationship a few months back. I loved her, but she went and cheated. It was a tough road to recovery. I picked up the pieces, focused on myself and tried to move on. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, but in the last couple of months my feelings have stabilized.

 

The problem is that immediately after the breakup I had a lot of hope and courage and self confidence. But I didn't feel I was ready for a relationship, although I still tried to go out on dates and went on a few.

 

 

Now that I'm emotionally ready to get back in a relationship I'm getting rejected left and right and my self esteem has taken a hit. I find myself not knowing what to say to a woman, how to strike up a conversation. That inner voice has become very critical: "No that sounds cheesy. No that's not going to work. No that's boring and old fashioned.....".

 

 

I feel like my conversation skills have also taken a hit. Even around my friends I'm quiter than usual and I feel like I'm in a rut. This past week, for example, things got so bad that I kept telling myself that I don't see myself ever falling in love again with another person. And that phrase echoes in my head when I'm out to meet people.

 

 

I had higher self worth after the break than I do now. Being alone for a long time after the breakup ended up being a bad idea. It seems.

[planb1973]

Sounds like you haven't gotten 100% over your ex and are still in the grieving process. It takes time, give it the time it needs. Keep going on dates, you will get back to your old self in no time.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sounds like you haven't gotten 100% over your ex and are still in the grieving process. It takes time, give it the time it needs. Keep going on dates, you will get back to your old self in no time.

 

This compounded by rejections makes it much worse. Your approach to recent dates likely revealed much more than you recognized that you were/are not ready to date yet.

[Ieris]

@Logo ~ It doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship yet, you are proceeding with caution as you have been burnt but it seems like you are overthinking things. This way it can seem like you are "trying" too hard rather than being your natural self.

[Logo]

It's not so much the getting over my ex part as it is going back to being that introverted guy that I used to be years ago.

 

After this last breakup I took time off from dating to the point that I withdrew into a shell and now feel like I lost my social skills. I used to have confidence, swagger. Now I hesitate to approach women. It really makes me sad that I got to this point. I feel like I took the 'grieving' part a little too far.

[Lobouspo]

OP, instead of having this mindset, like..." Ok I'm over my ex. I'm ready and want to be with someone now". Just enjoy single life. Be yourself, have fun with your friends, workout, read, focus on hobbies, and work on yourself becoming better in all facets of life. You do that and the self esteem and confidence will come back and will eventually attract a quality SO. The circumstances involving the demise of your last relationship sucks but it's not uncommon unfortunately. Take it day to day and focus on the things you can control, and relationship/dating stuff will fall into place.

[mightycpa]

Stop trying to get back into relationships. People can smell that a mile away, and it reeks of desperation, because it is desperate.

 

You're putting the cart before the horse.

 

FIRST, you meet a girl. The law of large numbers says that the likelihood that of any given girl you meet, that your'e going to like her enough to want something more with her. What you "want" is rare. It follows then, that you can't get that with most people. This is what you are experiencing. People date you, but they don't get THAT from you. It's not personal, it's not even a reflection on you. It's math. This is the "kiss a lot of frogs" stage of dating.

 

SECOND, you decide that one of these girls is different and interesting enough that you'd like to see her more. So you ask her out, and you hope she feels the same way. LOLN (above) says chances of that are slim.

 

THIRD, lightning strikes! Not only are you both interested, but after you hang out together more and more, your interest grows! This is extraordinarily rare between two people, but it happens every day. That's why you shouldn't sell yourself short in steps one and two.

 

FOURTH, the relationship. You're trying to cram this into step one, and if you do, I guarantee you'll be disappointed.

 

The "relationship" is all about the person, not about being committed to the next one that comes along.

[preraph]

I think you're just a little depressed.

[Logo]

Here's how I feel:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/615186-how-you-coping-today-491.html#post7325328

 

 

And I think this is what I'm trying to do:

 

 

 

I'm trying to find someone like her as soon as possible.

 

I want to contact her, but my self respect and dignity won't let me.

Edited May 30, 2017 by Logo

[preraph]

There is no one like her so what will happen is you will pretend someone is like her and hurt that woman in the end. You probably need help getting through this, some counseling, talking it out.

[Logo]

I have tried counseling when I had a really tough breakup a while back. It was emotionally devastating compared to this last one. But, I didn't get much out of concealing. The counselor and I weren't a good fit. And I feel more comfortable talking it over with someone I know and trust.

 

I need to give this some thought.

[mightycpa]

I'm trying to find someone like her as soon as possible.

The only trouble with that is that even SHE is not like the "her" you have in your mind. You're only focusing on a sliver of her, the idea of her, and people grow and people change, and that's why you're in this mess of a mindf*ck.

[Logo]

The only trouble with that is that even SHE is not like the "her" you have in your mind. You're only focusing on a sliver of her, the idea of her, and people grow and people change, and that's why you're in this mess of a mindf*ck.

 

I don't disagree. Also, the person she became just before the breakup is not the person I knew when we met.

 

So even SHE was not the SHE I used to know.

 

I suppose I'm looking for the same feelings I felt when I first met her. That's a healthier way of thinking of it.

[mightycpa]

I suppose I'm looking for the same feelings I felt when I first met her. That's a healthier way of thinking of it.

Yeah, I did the same thing, a couple of times. It really isn't so healthy. You're looking for someone, something, to fill the void you feel. You might not even know it.

 

What happens though, is that nobody seems to be able to give those feelings. But that's not right either, because you'll see people who actually do give those feelings off, and they are adoring towards you. The only thing missing is you, the receiver. You don't value what they give off to you, and so you discard that, and you keep looking.

 

I did my fair share of damage along the way. I was selfish and callous about it, and I think that was because I really wasn't ready, but I was sick of feeling bad. The only thing that mattered to me was that I feel better, not even neutral, but better, and finding that spark was the only way I knew how to make it happen. I was one charming MF, I got a lot of girls, and the ladies loved me, but it wasn't enough. I wasn't really looking for love to be shown to me, that was relatively easy to find. I was looking for a place to put my love into, but the only problem was that it was always the wrong target. Nobody was right, nobody was good enough. It took me years to figure out what I was really doing.

 

It's funny, because once I figured it out, I stopped trying so hard, and after a few more meaningless encounters, I found love again. I think it had a lot to do with being in the right place mentally, as opposed to being "out of love" or "ready for a relationship". I've always found love when I wasn't looking. That's when love found me.

[Logo]

You don't value what they give off to you, and so you discard that, and you keep looking.

 

I'm usually not like that though. I value it a lot. And I stick to it and I adore the people that give that to me. and give a lot in return. But if it doesn't feel right, as in "I'm not ready for a relationship" right, then I usually end it after the first date.

 

If it feels right, I know it.

 

Maybe we're talking about two different things, but I think I got what you were getting at in your post.

Edited May 31, 2017 by Logo

[preraph]

I have tried counseling when I had a really tough breakup a while back. It was emotionally devastating compared to this last one. But, I didn't get much out of concealing. The counselor and I weren't a good fit. And I feel more comfortable talking it over with someone I know and trust.

 

I need to give this some thought.

 

I understand. The only counseling I sought, my friend liked her a lot and I liked her but felt her life had been so conventional and straight and narrow that she simply didn't have the life experience to counsel me, plus I know a lot about psychology and that makes a bad patient anyway.

 

But maybe try another counselor. It can be a school counselor if you're in school, or a church counselor if you're in church, or a psychologist or even maybe a spiritual healer type. OR you could get a dog.

[mikeylo]

You need time and change of space if possible. Take a vacation , go meet friends or family you havent seen in a while. You are probably stuck in the mind set and sometimes all it takes is a sudden snap! and boom ! you are out. If it doesnt, then you need to find a good counsellor.

[Logo]

You guys gave me some ideas.

 

Here's what I need to commit to: I need to find some new hobbies that involve other people, a group. That would be a great way to socialize and meet new people, preferably women.

 

And, if I have the time, I might take a few days to go away somewhere.

 

I just don't want to find myself sitting with a psychologist and telling him or her the whole story from start to finish. It would feel like a rehash of all my feelings and it might sink me deeper.

 

Ironically, what got me out of such a rut in the past, was starting a new relationship. Within a couple of weeks I put the past behind and felt like I was leading a new life as a different person. Love was the cure.