How to date someone who is grieving?

[Casper.]

G'day!

I've never posted here, on on anything like this, before so here's a little about me - I'm 25, I've been (mostly) single for a little under three years now. I went in the army at 16, I loved the life, went to Cyprus, Belize, Afghan (briefly), and spent a lot of time in Africa. Long story short I was medically discharged a year and a half ago, which was totally devastating at the time. Anyway, I retrained and now I work at outdoor activity centre for kids and teens - so i basically get to be a big kid all the time!

Anyway that's me in a nutshell!

 

So I went for a big night out for a mates birthday, and I meet this girl. I'd clocked her earlier because i thought she was beautiful, and I clocked her again later because she was wasted, like completely gone, and she didn't seem to be with anyone and there were guys hanging around i didn't like the look of, out in the smoking garden they were hassling her a bit and I told them to back off, and then she was kinda sick on my shoes before telling me how her parents had been killed 3 days! prior in a car accident.

 

Long story short she was a hot mess, and I was honestly concerned about her, so i took her home with me (before one of these other guys did). I Had fancied her earlier, but at this point my intentions were purely genuine! (I have a twin sister, I'd hope if she was in that situation someone would do right by her!). I gave her my bed, i slept on the sofa, nothing happened!! I didnt intend for anything to ever happen.

 

I took her breakfast (and paracetamol ) In the morning. I thought that would pretty much be that, but we ended up chatting for hours!

[she's 22, she's half Greek, she's got an aunt/uncle/cousin all the way in Greece but no other family apart from her 11 year old sister, she works in her dads landscape garden/architecture business].

 

I hadn't expected it but sober, we got on so well. We clicked better than I've ever clicked with anyone!

We did obviously talk about her parents and her situation now but we also talked about everything else under the sun from hats to tectonic plates (who knew I listened in geography! ).

So we exchanged numbers, and I saw her again the next evening.....

 

1 month later:

Here's the thing right, I really like this girl. Like I reallyyyyy like her! I have never felt like this. For the first time in my whole life I feel like I am actually in the right place in the right time and by her side feels more like home than anywhere I've ever known.

 

But i don;t know how to play this! I don't have a clue!!

 

We're not boyfriend/girlfriend. I've not had sex with her. But we kiss, we talk every day and we spend a lot of time together.

 

I don't know what she really wants and I'm so scared to apply pressure because, how is that remotely fair when the only life shes ever known is in tatters!!

I'm scared that if i push this too hard then its just going to be some grief-fling-type-thing and burn out. But I'm scared that if I don't then I'm going to fall into like some friendzone. What do i do!!?

 

She asked me to go to there funeral with her, which did not please her aunt one bit. The fact is that her parents were well off, they have a beautiful family home and land, and a good business. And I come from quite a different background and i know her aunt's worried that i'm like swooping in for money or something. Which I'm not! I couldn't care less, I'm falling for the girl!

But i know that she's probably planted that seed in her head, which makes it even more complicated!

 

I don't want to give up. I feel so strongly about this that I can't not fight for it, but I don't know how to fight for it!

[Kamille]

It's hard to answer this question, because you seem to already be doing all the right things. You're respecting her pace, spending time with her, kissing her.

 

Have you thought of asking her what she wants at this time in terms of relationship? There are ways to have this conversation without putting pressure on the person. You ask, hear and accept her answer.

[BaileyB]

Just be her friend. Listen to her if she wants to talk, plan something fun if she wants to go out, and give her a hug when she needs to cry.

 

Tell her that you like her, so that she is clear that you are interested. But, tell her that you don't want to rush anything because you understand that she needs time to grieve now.

 

If it's meant to be, it will be. It will evolve, rather naturally.

[preraph]

Go to the funeral and be respectful as I know you will to everyone there. Her aunt sounds like a meddler. i hope she doesn't have much sway over your girlfriend.

 

I must have missed who died. Anyway, if she's torn up, just keep kissing her and just be there to anticapate any need she may have. offer to cook for her or take care of a handyman issue where she lives, check her tires, etc. She might be too distracted to be thinking straight.

 

But as it feels natural, progress with the kissing and cuddling until it starts to feel like you both are pulling toward wanting sex, but use a condom when you do and then talk about birth control if you haven't already.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm going to be honest here.

 

This is not an ideal way to meet someone and hope for an honest, recriprocated exchange of feelings. She is in a very vulnerable and emotional state and what and how she is feeling has to be greatly colored by the loss of her parents.

 

I have no reason to believe that she is not using you as an emotional teddy bear. Someone for support. I wonder if she will have genuine, ROMANTIC feelings for you or if and once she is out of her tragic loss and cloud that she will not come back to her senses and simply ask for friendship only.

 

Kissing you, in her state, doesn't mean that she is romantically interested. It may be a way for her to keep you interested enough to stay around as support until she comes out of it.

 

My best advice is not to have romantic hopes....not now. Continue to being a stalwart of support and friend, but keep your romantic hopes in check. It is unpredictable knowing exactly what a person in such grief is actually feeling and thinking. I know all too well as a person who was in a similar place as she was/is.

 

Good luck.

[Erik30]

I would skip the funeral. I can understand why her aunt doesn't want you there. I don't think it's about the money, it's a very private setting and you're basically still just some guy she recently met at a party. You can be there for her when she gets back.

 

She might not be ready to date anyone at all right now,. I guess it's also nice for her having you around to take her mind off of things, which is understandable for someone in her situation.

[BaileyB]

Her aunt sounds like a meddler.

 

I must have missed who died.

 

It's sounds like she has a caring aunt who is trying to be protective of her young niece, given the tragic loss of both parents in a car accident. And rightfully so, considering that this girl has suffered a tragic loss at such a young age.

 

It is not uncommon for aunties and other extended family members to be very close and very involved in Greek family.

 

Her aunt is probably wise enough to realize that now is not the time for this girl to begin a new relationship. It is quite possible that she really does have her best interest at heart.

Edited May 28, 2017 by BaileyB

[Casper.]

It's hard to answer this question, because you seem to already be doing all the right things. You're respecting her pace, spending time with her, kissing her.

 

Have you thought of asking her what she wants at this time in terms of relationship? There are ways to have this conversation without putting pressure on the person. You ask, hear and accept her answer.

Thank you I am trying to do the right things, i wouldn't normally second guess myself so much in a relationship but Its such difficult timing and i really don't want to screw up.

 

I don't know, like, I'm so conscious that her lifes upside down, she's trying to run her dads business, she's got to be a guardian to her little sister, plus she's grieving for her parents, I know she feels like she's being pulled in lots of different directions, and i want to help, i want to support her. So i'm conscious of being like 'hey, so what about me? what about us' because i don't want to add more pressure, does that make sense?

I don't know how to pitch it, because i know if i ask shes not going to be in any doubt of the answer i want to hear, and i don't know if that is fair of me or not!

 

 

Just be her friend. Listen to her if she wants to talk, plan something fun if she wants to go out, and give her a hug when she needs to cry.

 

Tell her that you like her, so that she is clear that you are interested. But, tell her that you don't want to rush anything because you understand that she needs time to grieve now.

 

If it's meant to be, it will be. It will evolve, rather naturally.

Yeah i hear you! Like I'm good at all that stuff, at being her friend, and to an extent it has evolved naturally, quite quickly. We're only talking a month ago she was just a girl at a bar and I wasn't even contemplating settling down, and now, i find myself looking up greek recipes so I can 'attempt' to cook her favourite, I sat and watched bladdy One Direction's film with her little sister, and when she laughs I swear the world spins around her. Like I'm falling for the girl!

 

BUT.. If I tell her how i feel, if i tell her even half of how i feel then isn't that putting this massive pressure on her to say it back. And if she says it back then thats a commitment. And i dont know if its fair to make her commit to something, to me, when shes grieving, when she's struggling.. I don't wanna be that guy thats too pushy. I don't want anything more from her than - her!

 

But you're right, i want to be sure that she does know im interested!

[Casper.]

I'm going to be honest here.

 

This is not an ideal way to meet someone and hope for an honest, recriprocated exchange of feelings. She is in a very vulnerable and emotional state and what and how she is feeling has to be greatly colored by the loss of her parents.

 

I have no reason to believe that she is not using you as an emotional teddy bear. Someone for support. I wonder if she will have genuine, ROMANTIC feelings for you or if and once she is out of her tragic loss and cloud that she will not come back to her senses and simply ask for friendship only.

 

Kissing you, in her state, doesn't mean that she is romantically interested. It may be a way for her to keep you interested enough to stay around as support until she comes out of it.

 

My best advice is not to have romantic hopes....not now. Continue to being a stalwart of support and friend, but keep your romantic hopes in check. It is unpredictable knowing exactly what a person in such grief is actually feeling and thinking. I know all too well as a person who was in a similar place as she was/is.

 

Good luck.

 

I know that, i absolutely know that. It's a long way from ideal and that's exactly what scares me! I want to be the exception to the rule, i want us to be the exception to the rule.

I do understand what you're saying, but I'm in too deep, i have romantic hopes, my feelings arent in check, and i feel like I have to go all in and try, because i dont know what else to do, i have to try, i just dont know the best way to do it!

[Casper.]

Go to the funeral and be respectful as I know you will to everyone there. Her aunt sounds like a meddler. i hope she doesn't have much sway over your girlfriend.

 

I must have missed who died. Anyway, if she's torn up, just keep kissing her and just be there to anticapate any need she may have. offer to cook for her or take care of a handyman issue where she lives, check her tires, etc. She might be too distracted to be thinking straight.

 

But as it feels natural, progress with the kissing and cuddling until it starts to feel like you both are pulling toward wanting sex, but use a condom when you do and then talk about birth control if you haven't already.

 

I did go to the funeral, after deliberation. I can understand her aunts concern, she's vulnerable right now and potentially in a position where another man could work himself into a position to gain from that! But im not that guy! All i want is her. But theres no quick way to prove that - to her or her aunt.

 

Her parents.

Thats pretty much the kinda stuff ive been doing thus far, within reason because i dont want to smother her.

Regarding sex.. I've slept over hers though weve never actually had sex, i still get the vibe that if i pushed in that direction i'm 75% thinking that it would happen..........but its hard to know what the right thing to do is, i dont want to take advantage or do anything that she might come to see as taking advantage and i dont want to push to hard to fast and turn the whole thing into a grief-fling.

 

 

It's sounds like she has a caring aunt who is trying to be protective of her young niece, given the tragic loss of both parents in a car accident. And rightfully so, considering that this girl has suffered a tragic loss at such a young age.

 

It is not uncommon for aunties and other extended family members to be very close and very involved in Greek family.

 

Her aunt is probably wise enough to realize that now is not the time for this girl to begin a new relationship. It is quite possible that she really does have her best interest at heart.

I can understand it from her point of view, i don't think shes saying what shes saying out of malice, my girls little sister is only 11 so of course they are wanting to protect her too. But they are a long way away in another country and from my point of view like its hard to prove good intentions.

 

I know the timing of us meeting is s***, i wish we could of crossed paths sooner, we should have crossed paths sooner.. but i really believe this could be something! I feel like im where i should be!

[amaysngrace]

If you believe you're in the right place at the right time trust it then. Don't overthink what your next move should be.

 

Reach out to her to see how she's doing just because you care and to let her know you're still interested in her as a person. Ask her how she is and how her day has been.

 

Take your time but mostly keep it real.

[MountainGirl111]

Let it evolve and be patient. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

 

We don't choose when/how we cross paths with people in many cases...we just cross paths, for better or for worse. She will likely look back on this time and how you've been a great support to her without any regret. In other words: while you are fretting about wishing you'd met her at a "better time", she may not be fretting about it at all, but maybe she is just thankful you crossed her path when you DID! People meet one another under some of the most interesting and perplexing circumstances. People have different needs at different times. That's just how life unfolds. Go with it....Don't over think this and try not to future trip. That could freeze you up. Be yourself.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I know that, i absolutely know that. It's a long way from ideal and that's exactly what scares me! I want to be the exception to the rule, i want us to be the exception to the rule.

I do understand what you're saying, but I'm in too deep, i have romantic hopes, my feelings arent in check, and i feel like I have to go all in and try, because i dont know what else to do, i have to try, i just dont know the best way to do it!

 

You have your heart set on trying, so can't stop you. Nor am I trying to 'stop' you, rather, be prepared and take things cautiously.

[Sara1989]

You sound lovely and I am sure her parents would be pleased to know she has someone caring for her the way you are.

 

It has only been a month, I think you are playing it right...taking it slow.

[mikeylo]

Take it slow, don't rush. Let it build up. Grief can last a long time especially if its parents or close loved ones.

[Casper.]

If you believe you're in the right place at the right time trust it then. Don't overthink what your next move should be.

 

Reach out to her to see how she's doing just because you care and to let her know you're still interested in her as a person. Ask her how she is and how her day has been.

 

Take your time but mostly keep it real.

True, true. Its weird, I would never normally overthink a relationship, particularly not such a new relationship but I don't know, I guess she's got me good haha!

 

Yeah.. I'm pretty sure we've spoken everyday since we met, which is crazy in itself, I've never felt like that! We had a nice pub lunch today and I'm going to hers tomorrow night.

 

Let it evolve and be patient. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

 

We don't choose when/how we cross paths with people in many cases...we just cross paths, for better or for worse. She will likely look back on this time and how you've been a great support to her without any regret. In other words: while you are fretting about wishing you'd met her at a "better time", she may not be fretting about it at all, but maybe she is just thankful you crossed her path when you DID! People meet one another under some of the most interesting and perplexing circumstances. People have different needs at different times. That's just how life unfolds. Go with it....Don't over think this and try not to future trip. That could freeze you up. Be yourself.

 

Yeah you're right, I mean people meet under all sorts of circumstances and situations don't they! I guess its just from my point of view i wouldn't think twice about how to behave in a relationship or progress a relationship if the circumstances werent as they are

 

You have your heart set on trying, so can't stop you. Nor am I trying to 'stop' you, rather, be prepared and take things cautiously.

Yeah yeah. It's funny actually, because ive never taken a relationship close to this slowly physically, nor this fast emotionally. And yet I feel so much stronger and more invested in this relationship than I have before!

[Casper.]

You sound lovely and I am sure her parents would be pleased to know she has someone caring for her the way you are.

 

It has only been a month, I think you are playing it right...taking it slow.

That's nice, thank you

She said to me a little while ago that she wished I could of met her parents, she thought they would have liked me, I told her like in some ways I feel like I already met them, because they raised her and they live on in everything that she is, you know?

 

Take it slow, don't rush. Let it build up. Grief can last a long time especially if its parents or close loved ones.

I know, I get that. And sometimes I can see its heavy on her mind - not all the time, sometimes its just like her and me are the only things in the world, but othertimes I can see shes present physically but her head is elsewhere.

[mikeylo]

Dude, you seem to either have good observation or all you do is look at her

 

Anyway, you are seeing her at her worse emotional state and probably in appearance ( people don't take care of themselves in sadness), so if you like her now, you will like her more when she is better , that is if you don't ruin before that or get friend zoned!

 

Deep down maybe you wanted emotional connection but didn't know !

 

Good luck

[jjgitties]

Interesting story. As others have stated. People going through grief or loss of parents may not be thinking like themselves. Be who you are and be respectful and don't force nothing and don't allow yourself to get into it too deeply (just in case!). Once she is over grieving (you will know and she will know) you can take it up and see where and how it goes.

[Arieswoman]

Casper,

 

How to date someone who is grieving?

 

You don't.

 

They aren't emotionally stable or grounded.

 

This girl needs about 6 months at least to process what has happened, maybe longer.

[BaileyB]

My goodness, it's been a month since she lost both parents in a tragic accident. Her sister is only 11 years old. This poor girl is still likely in shock of what has happened.

 

She is at the beginning of her grief journey. She has not even begun to comprehend the grief of this loss. When I lost my mom, I didn't date for two years. It breaks my heart to even imagine what she will feel in the coming months and years.

[Casper.]

Dude, you seem to either have good observation or all you do is look at her

Hahah I'll leave that ambiguous!

 

Anyway, you are seeing her at her worse emotional state and probably in appearance ( people don't take care of themselves in sadness), so if you like her now, you will like her more when she is better , that is if you don't ruin before that or get friend zoned!

 

Deep down maybe you wanted emotional connection but didn't know !

I'm crazy about her now! I know its a really really tough time but I can handle that, as long as she wants me around I dont see myself going anywhere!

Aye thats the tightrope I walk

 

If im honest i never realised i didnt have it with past girls ive been with until I met her, now i know i didnt have it with them! Because this feels so different!

[Casper.]

Casper,

You don't.

 

They aren't emotionally stable or grounded.

 

This girl needs about 6 months at least to process what has happened, maybe longer.

But i haven't met her 6 months down the line, i've met her now! I'm with her now! So what do i do, walk away like 'sorry kid, hit me up another 5 months if you wanna' ....what kinda person would that make me? I am falling in love with her (to put it mildly)! And she wants me here, she wants me around. And im terrified that it wont walk out, that she might not feel the same but I can't just quit, I can't just walk away, being scared isnt a reason not to try right!?

I just want to do everything i can to go about it in the right way! Thats why Im here!

[BaileyB]

But i haven't met her 6 months down the line, i've met her now! I'm with her now! So what do i do, walk away like 'sorry kid, hit me up another 5 months if you wanna' ....what kinda person would that make me? I am falling in love with her (to put it mildly)! And she wants me here, she wants me around. And im terrified that it wont walk out, that she might not feel the same but I can't just quit, I can't just walk away, being scared isnt a reason not to try right!?

I just want to do everything i can to go about it in the right way! Thats why Im here!

 

My dad began a relationship with his girlfriend two months after my mom passed away. They had been married for 40 years. He didn't really grieve my mom, it was just to painful for him to deal with the loss. He distracted himself with another relationship and I thought it would never last... But, it's five years later and they are still together.

 

Not saying that it can't happen, just saying that you should do exactly what you are doing... Be respectful of her loss because this event will change her life forever, in ways that she hasn't even begun to imagine. And, proceed very slowly. Your "friendship" may well evolve over time into something much deeper.

 

There is no rush. It's unlikely that she is thinking about dating right now. So, just be her friend and give it time. If it's meant to be, it will be...

[Casper.]

My goodness, it's been a month since she lost both parents in a tragic accident. Her sister is only 11 years old. This poor girl is still likely in shock of what has happened.

 

She is at the beginning of her grief journey. She has not even begun to comprehend the grief of this loss. When I lost my mom, I didn't date for two years. It breaks my heart to even imagine what she will feel in the coming months and years.

 

I know, I know! It's incredibly hard for her, she's become the guardian of an 11 year old, a business owner and the head of a household over night, and on top of that she's a young women who's lost her parents! That's heavy!

I've seen hard things in my hard life but honestly, I've watched her cry in her sleep, like not wake up, just cry and that is heart wrenching! It's not something that I can fix or even make better really, and i know it's something that will effect her always, and certainly for a long time!

 

But that doesn't scare me off, that's life right, its not all cartoons it's highs and lows and I know that!

I enjoy her company, even if shes having a really hard time at the moment, and I want to be here, I want to be cooking, and taking the bins out, and cuddling her at night. I want to be here!

 

But its not really something you can practice is it! I only get the one shot at handling this right!