How to date someone who is grieving?

[Casper.]

My dad began a relationship with his girlfriend two months after my mom passed away. They had been married for 40 years. He didn't really grieve my mom, it was just to painful for him to deal with the loss. He distracted himself with another relationship and I thought it would never last... But, it's five years later and they are still together.

 

Not saying that it can't happen, just saying that you should do exactly what you are doing... Be respectful of her loss because this event will change her life forever, in ways that she hasn't even begun to imagine. And, proceed very slowly. Your "friendship" may well evolve over time into something much deeper.

 

There is no rush. It's unlikely that she is thinking about dating right now. So, just be her friend and give it time. If it's meant to be, it will be...

 

That's exactly what I have to believe, that we have a shot! (I'm sorry about your mum btw!)

 

Yeah?

sometimes I have a crisis of confidence over wether I'm doing the right thing and should stick with it... i.e. Not moving to fast, not putting to much pressure on a relationship and not pushing her into s commitment!

 

It's hard though because the 'relationship' we have is a bit of a weird undefined one, like we spend a lot of time together; do couplely type things, we kiss, and share a bed - though we've never had sex, were not boyfriend/girlfriend and we haven't talked about being exclusive or anything like that.

 

Sometimes I wonder if the more gentlemenly thing to do would be to tell her how I'm feeling and how seriously this is to me, how committed I am to her. I don't know if that would be good for her to hear of wether it's just going to make her feel like she has to give me the same back and therefore push her into a commitment during a vulnerable time.

[mikeylo]

Boy you are crazy in love !

 

She is in a vulnerable state , like you said , young , single ,with a little sister ,no family around and on tops , in a different country. That itself puts her as a target to the wrong kind of men. So , yeah, understand the vulnerability and fear factor. But , not all women in this situation are like this. Some would rather go around the block believing there is no one to stop her or no one is watching. You know what I mean, right ? She sounds responsible and grounded.

 

I presume your intentions being good and despite her circumstances, she does trust you on some extent , if not fully yet. It's a big decision for her.

 

That's why it's better to take slow , gives you and her time to process and progress ( or retreat ).

 

You may want to have ' the talk' after sometime. It's important for every relationship to develop into something otherwise it can become stagnant into nothing , with very lose ends and confusion.

[Casper.]

Boy you are crazy in love !

Hahah, I havent said anything like that to her, i dont want to come on to strong.

 

She is in a vulnerable state , like you said , young , single ,with a little sister ,no family around and on tops , in a different country. That itself puts her as a target to the wrong kind of men. So , yeah, understand the vulnerability and fear factor. But , not all women in this situation are like this. Some would rather go around the block believing there is no one to stop her or no one is watching. You know what I mean, right ? She sounds responsible and grounded.

You mean like.. some women don't see themselves as a target?

I don't think she seems herself as vulnerable, I don't think she really buys into her aunts warnings, I think she knows me better than that by now, if she didnt then we'd be wasting our time!

 

I presume your intentions being good and despite her circumstances, she does trust you on some extent , if not fully yet. It's a big decision for her.

Yeah, i think she does! As much as you can trust someone you've be with for a month I guess.

 

You may want to have ' the talk' after sometime. It's important for every relationship to develop into something otherwise it can become stagnant into nothing , with very lose ends and confusion.

This is kinda my dilemma! I think at some point I have to be a man and say something to escalate things even if just a little! It's not fair to wait for her to do it, and if i don't im worried the relationship will fizzle out instead of growing, but its a timing thing isnt it! Working out the best time to say something and what to say!

[mikeylo]

Yes, many women go haywire when on their own !

 

She may not see herself as vulnerable, but she is, if you come to think of it.

 

You do realize that her and her little sister are a package deal. Are you ready for the added responsibility?

 

Your best bet would be to ask her out on a formal date. You've been seeing her casually so far, so take a notch up.Be a man ( even if you are scared as a boy,lol ) and do the asking. Go to some low key , quiet place so you both can talk and if she gets emotional, there is privacy for you to handle her. And it will get emotional, so be prepared with tissues, lol.

 

Yeah, you don't want it to fizzle out something that you strongly feel about.I do agree, people meet in weirdest of circumstances. You dont know whats written in your stars!

[Casper.]

She may not see herself as vulnerable, but she is, if you come to think of it.

Yeah of course, everyones a little vulnerable when they're down on their knees.

 

You do realize that her and her little sister are a package deal. Are you ready for the added responsibility?

I know that. Hey if she can handle that responsibility on top of everything else shes dealing with then I can handle it!

I like her sister, and I like kids, I work with kids these days!

Honestly, I don't think you're ever really ready fro anything until you get out there and do it! ....I havent always been the type ready to settle down but i feel it with her, i know that sounds rushed but it's true, i feel it with her.

Her dad used to read to her little sister every night before bed, and this is something that my girl has 'mostly' tried to keep up for her sister. The night of her parents funeral she didnt feel like she could do it, so I did - i sat on the bedroom floor and i read harry potter to her kid sister - and that tells me that i am serious about making a life with this girl, settling down with this girl!

 

Your best bet would be to ask her out on a formal date. You've been seeing her casually so far, so take a notch up.Be a man ( even if you are scared as a boy,lol ) and do the asking. Go to some low key , quiet place so you both can talk and if she gets emotional, there is privacy for you to handle her. And it will get emotional, so be prepared with tissues, lol.

What do you class as a formal date though? Like how do i obviously escalate it to that from what we normally do?

I say like every since we met weve spoken daily, and weve spent a lot of time together. I've spent a lot of time at her house and i've slept over there and that but we have also gone out and done stuff - pub lunch, dinner at the local curry house, rowing on the lake nearby, she came kite surfing with me, we went bowling and i even went with her to her parents funeral. So, like, how do i raise it to a formal date?

 

eah, you don't want it to fizzle out something that you strongly feel about.I do agree, people meet in weirdest of circumstances. You dont know whats written in your stars!

VEry true!

[mikeylo]

What do you class as a formal date though? Like how do i obviously escalate it to that from what we normally do?

I say like every since we met weve spoken daily, and weve spent a lot of time together. I've spent a lot of time at her house and i've slept over there and that but we have also gone out and done stuff - pub lunch, dinner at the local curry house, rowing on the lake nearby, she came kite surfing with me, we went bowling and i even went with her to her parents funeral. So, like, how do i raise it to a formal date?

 

Well, since you've done the above that could have said to be a formal date, go for coffee or ice cream in a quiet place and don't start out goofy ! Of course keep it light in the beginning so that she is comfortable and then steer the direction to what you want to say. Like you are serious about her , hold her hand , look in her eyes and speak. Be clear so that nothing is left to doubt.

 

Since there might be a reaction as she is in emotional state , that's why I recommend going to where she feels comfortable, safe and a bit quiet so that if she gets emotional, she doesn't feel awkward in front of people. Most likely it will happen , so be prepared for that.

 

I always feel that there are certain things that your heart knows and you have believe it. I married my wife within the first year. Many people called us mad. We didn't even have sex before marriage. Here we are, married for 24 years.

 

My wife's mother married her second husband within a year of having her divorce getting final and the old man adopted my wife when she was 16 and she called him dad ,even before that ! He is still alive and I love him too!

 

Take a leap but this one is loaded with delicate feelings that you will have to be a bit cautious in the beginning. It's likely she feels the same but it's important to bring things on the table to not leave anything in doubt. Be on same page.

[Gaeta]

Casper: You will end up the big loser here. You need to understand you are taking a huge risk with your heart and this will probably crash and burn soon.

 

My daughter's dad died unexpedetedly when she was 27. I am not totally clueles on that matter. This young lady is incapable of 'loving' at this time. She is on auto-pilot or survival mode if you prefer. She can't love at this time even if she tried. You are a distraction from her terrible loss. Of course she can't verbalize it and probably isn't aware of it yet, but it is what it is.

[dishwater]

G'day!

I've never posted here, on on anything like this, before so here's a little about me - I'm 25, I've been (mostly) single for a little under three years now. I went in the army at 16, I loved the life, went to Cyprus, Belize, Afghan (briefly), and spent a lot of time in Africa. Long story short I was medically discharged a year and a half ago, which was totally devastating at the time. Anyway, I retrained and now I work at outdoor activity centre for kids and teens - so i basically get to be a big kid all the time!

Anyway that's me in a nutshell!

 

So I went for a big night out for a mates birthday, and I meet this girl. I'd clocked her earlier because i thought she was beautiful, and I clocked her again later because she was wasted, like completely gone, and she didn't seem to be with anyone and there were guys hanging around i didn't like the look of, out in the smoking garden they were hassling her a bit and I told them to back off, and then she was kinda sick on my shoes before telling me how her parents had been killed 3 days! prior in a car accident.

 

Long story short she was a hot mess, and I was honestly concerned about her, so i took her home with me (before one of these other guys did). I Had fancied her earlier, but at this point my intentions were purely genuine! (I have a twin sister, I'd hope if she was in that situation someone would do right by her!). I gave her my bed, i slept on the sofa, nothing happened!! I didnt intend for anything to ever happen.

 

I took her breakfast (and paracetamol ) In the morning. I thought that would pretty much be that, but we ended up chatting for hours!

[she's 22, she's half Greek, she's got an aunt/uncle/cousin all the way in Greece but no other family apart from her 11 year old sister, she works in her dads landscape garden/architecture business].

 

I hadn't expected it but sober, we got on so well. We clicked better than I've ever clicked with anyone!

We did obviously talk about her parents and her situation now but we also talked about everything else under the sun from hats to tectonic plates (who knew I listened in geography! ).

So we exchanged numbers, and I saw her again the next evening.....

 

1 month later:

Here's the thing right, I really like this girl. Like I reallyyyyy like her! I have never felt like this. For the first time in my whole life I feel like I am actually in the right place in the right time and by her side feels more like home than anywhere I've ever known.

 

But i don;t know how to play this! I don't have a clue!!

 

We're not boyfriend/girlfriend. I've not had sex with her. But we kiss, we talk every day and we spend a lot of time together.

 

I don't know what she really wants and I'm so scared to apply pressure because, how is that remotely fair when the only life shes ever known is in tatters!!

I'm scared that if i push this too hard then its just going to be some grief-fling-type-thing and burn out. But I'm scared that if I don't then I'm going to fall into like some friendzone. What do i do!!?

 

She asked me to go to there funeral with her, which did not please her aunt one bit. The fact is that her parents were well off, they have a beautiful family home and land, and a good business. And I come from quite a different background and i know her aunt's worried that i'm like swooping in for money or something. Which I'm not! I couldn't care less, I'm falling for the girl!

But i know that she's probably planted that seed in her head, which makes it even more complicated!

 

I don't want to give up. I feel so strongly about this that I can't not fight for it, but I don't know how to fight for it!

Be her best friend--the best friend she could ever have. If the attraction is there for her, once she comes out of her shock and grief, you'll naturally be the one she turns to. It might take a year or two, but however long it takes it shouldn't matter.

[Casper.]

Like you are serious about her , hold her hand , look in her eyes and speak. Be clear so that nothing is left to doubt.

Yeah maybe I will say something to that effect. I'd like her to know how serious i am and how much i care. I just don't want her to think I'm coming on too strong or to feel pressured to say it back or anything!

 

I always feel that there are certain things that your heart knows and you have believe it. I married my wife within the first year. Many people called us mad. We didn't even have sex before marriage. Here we are, married for 24 years.

 

My wife's mother married her second husband within a year of having her divorce getting final and the old man adopted my wife when she was 16 and she called him dad ,even before that ! He is still alive and I love him too

Yeah yeah! Thanks mate!! I know it doesnt look strong on paper but what i feel in my heart tells me it's right!!

[Casper.]

Casper: You will end up the big loser here. You need to understand you are taking a huge risk with your heart and this will probably crash and burn soon.

 

My daughter's dad died unexpedetedly when she was 27. I am not totally clueles on that matter. This young lady is incapable of 'loving' at this time. She is on auto-pilot or survival mode if you prefer. She can't love at this time even if she tried. You are a distraction from her terrible loss. Of course she can't verbalize it and probably isn't aware of it yet, but it is what it is.

 

I do understand its a risk, I'm not blind to that! But i don't see i have any choice but to take it! To walk away now would break my heart and leave me with a million what ifs, so what choice do I have..

 

I'm sorry! You're right, of course she is, thats why i dont want to ask anything huge of her now, or pressure her into any commitment. But my happy ending would be if we could 'survive' this period of her life - together - and we can have a future together as a couple!

 

___________________________________________________________

 

Be her best friend--the best friend she could ever have. If the attraction is there for her, once she comes out of her shock and grief, you'll naturally be the one she turns to. It might take a year or two, but however long it takes it shouldn't matter.

Yeah I hear you!

I believe the attraction genuinely there by the way she is and also by the things she says.

We went to my sisters for dinner the other night, because my sisters opinion is so important to me, her and my nephew are everything to me! The whole reason i ended up in the army was because my sister was single, pregnant, & broke, so i went straight down my local office and signed up so he could have a better upbringing than we did!! If she really thought i was in the wrong relationship then I might of listened. But she didn't, she liked her and she thought we were good together!

And during the evening, she actually said to my sister that I am more 'her type' than anyone she's ever dated! Which i take as a pretty positive remark!

[mikeylo]

You feel strongly in your heart. Go for it. Do all you want , lost time doesn't come back.

 

Don't move in together till her emotions have settled. That's all I would advise to not do.

[GemmaUK]

I have been avoiding this thread as it brought back so many memories for me.

 

I got into a similar situation with a guy very soon after my Mum passed away.

 

OP, I strongly recommend that you need to drop any romantic ideas you have over her. Just be a supportive friend and mean it.

Or be upfront as soon as possible about your intentions and give her the opportunity to think about things.

 

If you do end up getting together then you should beware that this could be the worst level of 'rebound' type situation - worse than a rebound from another guy.

[Casper.]

I have been avoiding this thread as it brought back so many memories for me.

I'm sorry!

 

OP, I strongly recommend that you need to drop any romantic ideas you have over her. Just be a supportive friend and mean it.

And if it's too late? I'm not being a jerk but.. like i'm falling for the girl, more than that even. Maybe I should be able to just turn that off on the flick of a switch but i can't!

I could drop all the romantic stuff, I would drop it if that was what was best, but i figure that she'd find that odd anyway, we have, up till now, been somewhat couplely. We'll flirt a bit, we'll kiss, we'll cuddle in bed, I'll text her in the mornings, I got her to dance with me in the kitchen when 'Thinking out loud' came on the radio when were cooking fajitas!

 

Or be upfront as soon as possible about your intentions and give her the opportunity to think about things.

Verbally?

I kinda thought I was being pretty upfront, if not verbally. I was just trying to avoid putting too much pressure on her!

 

If you do end up getting together then you should beware that this could be the worst level of 'rebound' type situation - worse than a rebound from another guy.

That's why i'm trying not to move it too fast. I don't want to push her into anything if its not what she honestly wants...

Edited June 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to deleted post ~T

[BaileyB]

I have previously posted to say: be her friend, go slow, it is possible that things may evolve into a relationship.

 

But, as I read your responses, it becomes more and more apparent that you are like a puppy with a bone... You are pushing this girl - to kiss you, sleep with you, dance with you, etc... I'm starting to feel like you are taking advantage of this girl in her very vulnerable state.

 

You can be her friend and support her - without kissing her, sleeping with her, dancing with her, etc... Give the poor girl some time, she has suffered a terrible loss. She is probably not thinking about dating at all now. But, if she has any interest in dating you, she will date you in a year or two.

 

I know that you are not trying to be pushy, and I respect your intentions. But, you are too eager to be with this girl and I think, you need to let her grieve. If you push too much, it will not end well for you. Sorry.

[Casper.]

I have previously posted to say: be her friend, go slow, it is possible that things may evolve into a relationship.

 

But, as I read your responses, it becomes more and more apparent that you are like a puppy with a bone... You are pushing this girl - to kiss you, sleep with you, dance with you, etc... I'm starting to feel like you are taking advantage of this girl in her very vulnerable state.

 

You can be her friend and support her - without kissing her, sleeping with her, dancing with her, etc... Give the poor girl some time, she has suffered a terrible loss. She is probably not thinking about dating at all now. But, if she has any interest in dating you, she will date you in a year or two.

 

I know that you are not trying to be pushy, and I respect your intentions. But, you are too eager to be with this girl and I think, you need to let her grieve. If you push too much, it will not end well for you. Sorry.

 

I just don't get it, I don't understand what I'm doing so wrong. I'm trying to be as aware of what she's going through as i possibley can be, i really havent asked anything of her that i feel is taking advantage of her...

I kiss her yeah, but she kisses me too. I've slept over yeah but only ever when shes wanted it, I slept in the spare room until she asked me to stay with her, and even then i've never escalated it, i've never taken it in a remotely sexual direction because i dont want to take advantage of her. I pushed her to dance with me yes, but jokey, only because i thought it would make her laugh, and it did, i dont understand why that's bad.

 

I don't understand what i should do? Push her away when she tries to kiss me? Tell her 'no' the time she woke me up at 1.30am by texting me to see if i was awake and asking if id go over to watch homeland with her, because she didn't want to talk to anyone but she wanted a hug. Not be myself and mess around with her, dance with her, spray her with the hose...

 

Like is that really better? Because ive been trying just to follow what feels right and that doesn't. But it's not my personality to half commit to anything, i'm normally either all in or not in at all... i'm not saying i wouldnt take a different approach if a different approach was what it takes to make this work, but back off from a girl i care about so much when she wants me there makes be feel like a massive d!ck!

[BaileyB]

I just don't get it, I don't understand what I'm doing so wrong. I'm trying to be as aware of what she's going through as i possibley can be, i really havent asked anything of her that i feel is taking advantage of her...

I kiss her yeah, but she kisses me too. I've slept over yeah but only ever when shes wanted it, I slept in the spare room until she asked me to stay with her, and even then i've never escalated it, i've never taken it in a remotely sexual direction because i dont want to take advantage of her. I pushed her to dance with me yes, but jokey, only because i thought it would make her laugh, and it did, i dont understand why that's bad.

 

I don't understand what i should do? Push her away when she tries to kiss me? Tell her 'no' the time she woke me up at 1.30am by texting me to see if i was awake and asking if id go over to watch homeland with her, because she didn't want to talk to anyone but she wanted a hug. Not be myself and mess around with her, dance with her, spray her with the hose...

 

Like is that really better? Because ive been trying just to follow what feels right and that doesn't. But it's not my personality to half commit to anything, i'm normally either all in or not in at all... i'm not saying i wouldnt take a different approach if a different approach was what it takes to make this work, but back off from a girl i care about so much when she wants me there makes be feel like a massive d!ck!

 

The truth is, only you know this girl and only you will know what is right. I wouldn't say that you've done anything inappropriate, but it's clear that you have an agenda. Just be aware, you could be little more than a comforting distraction right now. Don't get ahead of yourself with this because, she has absolutely no idea where life will take her in the coming years and there are bound to be so many ups and downs... be careful, with both your hearts.

[mikeylo]

The truth is, only you know this girl and only you will know what is right. I wouldn't say that you've done anything inappropriate, but it's clear that you have an agenda. Just be aware, you could be little more than a comforting distraction right now. Don't get ahead of yourself with this because, she has absolutely no idea where life will take her in the coming years and there are bound to be so many ups and downs... be careful, with both your hearts.

 

Honestly, I feel like standing up for this guy ! What agenda does he have ? I don't see it.

 

He has fallen for her and for the first time in his life he feels like ' home' next to her. THAT is a big thing to feel. I never said that to my wife in 24 years and I'm happily married.

[BaileyB]

Honestly, I feel like standing up for this guy ! What agenda does he have ? I don't see it.

 

He has fallen for her and for the first time in his life he feels like ' home' next to her. THAT is a big thing to feel. I never said that to my wife in 24 years and I'm happily married.

 

He wants to date her, he's waiting and hoping to progress the relationship. She is probably trying to get through the day and only beginning to grieve her parents.

 

I agree, the feeling that you are home with someone is wonderful. But, it's only been a month and it's been a month during which she has suffered a significant trauma.

 

As I have said before, my father distracted himself from grief in this way. It's not that it can't happen. But, as one who has lost a parent, I can't imagine her pain. Just be cautious...

[Casper.]

I don't get why is OP being flamed here.

 

I don't see him pushing her or taking advantage of the girl.He is aware of her emotional state but at the same time is falling hard for her. Taking advantage would be : sleeping with her right away then dumping her, making vacation plans on the pretext of changing her mood ( using her money ), but he is not doing that and is rather very careful not to.

 

Yes, he excited to have met her.So what? Maybe he sees his soulmate in her? Why not? He is willing to take the risk. Yes, he wants her. Isnt that love all about? Wanting, not needing ? Yes, she needs him at this point. She met him at this low point in her life.Maybe thats how they were meant to meet and not through the hassles of a dating website.

This is it! I do 'want' her, but not out of any secretive agenda or anything. I'm crazy about her, that's all!

And i don't know quite how she feels but i'm okay with her not feeling the same right now because i completely understand that her emotions and head must be all of the place.

 

Honestly, I feel like standing up for this guy ! What agenda does he have ? I don't see it.

 

He has fallen for her and for the first time in his life he feels like ' home' next to her. THAT is a big thing to feel. I never said that to my wife in 24 years and I'm happily married.

Thanks man!!

[mikeylo]

Im sure things will align soon.

 

Not to romanticize here but if you look at it from the outside , you guys are bonded by pain , both in their own way. I would stick and let it unfold the way it's meant to be.

 

You are right in not asking her the standard dating website questions. Sometimes, somethings are better left unsaid.

 

Good luck.

[William]

Folks, it looks like things got a bit heated here so now that the thread is cleaned up and has had a chance to cool down I'll reopen it to replies.

 

As always let's keep our guidelines regarding civility and respect in mind when formulating our replies. ~T

[Casper.]

Im sure things will align soon.

 

Not to romanticize here but if you look at it from the outside , you guys are bonded by pain , both in their own way. I would stick and let it unfold the way it's meant to be.

 

You are right in not asking her the standard dating website questions. Sometimes, somethings are better left unsaid.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks mate!!

 

Yeah, I mean in. I way do I compare the stuff I e been through to what she's going through! They were like the perfect family, so she had more to lose than I ever did! But, I do know what it's like to feel like your worlds falling apart around you. I can relate to that!

 

Thanks man!

[Casper.]

I'm kinda worried I might have screwed up a bit!

 

We were in the garden and she was going through some of the paper work for her dads business.

She told me some fella she dated briefly a few years ago, who did a bit of work for the business came out the woodwork the other week and reached out to her over her parents and offered to help with the business. And how she thought it was..basically taking advantage, and that she'd shut him down and in this conversation she used the words 'I'm seeing someone'

So....

 

Me: "oh your seeing someone are you"

Her: *playful* "yeah just this guy"

Me: "He must be pretty great"

Her: "yeah he's pretty hot, he's got a neat little beard and killer abs, I mean personality wise he's pretty annoying and his jokes are kinda lame but you can't have everything right"

Me: *laughing* "oh right!! Well I see how it is then"

Her: "that's how it is ....I just don't really know how he feels about me though"

Me: "you don't!!?"

Her: *serious* "it's really fast but I can't imagine not having him in my life. I'm not in a good place right now, and I'm not able to give as much of myself as I normally would to a relationship, and yet he's still here, but he doesn't say what he wants so I don't know if he sees us as a long term potential or if he just feels sorry for me or what."

 

And I said.. dun dun dun durhhh:

"Darling I love you!!"

 

I don't know why I said that! I don't know why! The words were out of my mouth before I even heard them, and then I was like what are you saying you class A idiot!

I was with my last girlfriend 7 months and I didn't say I love you, and this has been like, I dunno, 6.5 weeks!?

She looked surprised! I tried to save it! I was like "s***! Let's pretend I didn't say that! Say what you said again and I'll re answer"

Her: *laughing* "I don't know what I said"

Me: "yeah you do, you said, I don't know what he wants, and then I said.. I really really really like you *she laughed*, and I do see a long term future with you, I feel like this is where I am supposed to be! But I don't want to pressure you by telling you the way I feel when your dealing with so much right now. So you don't have to say anything at all back to me, just know that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere be it a year, be it 5 years, I'm here."

Her: "do you mean it?"

Me: "which bit?"

Her: "All of it?"

Me: "yeah"

 

She got up and kissed me and said about how she's never believe in fate but that she thinks she was meant to meet me that night!

 

So I guess she took it pretty well, but I still feel like a class A f*** up for saying I love her! That was way too soon, and literally goes against everything I've been trying to do of playing it cool!

[GemmaUK]

I'm sorry!

 

And if it's too late? I'm not being a jerk but.. like i'm falling for the girl, more than that even. Maybe I should be able to just turn that off on the flick of a switch but i can't!

I could drop all the romantic stuff, I would drop it if that was what was best, but i figure that she'd find that odd anyway, we have, up till now, been somewhat couplely. We'll flirt a bit, we'll kiss, we'll cuddle in bed, I'll text her in the mornings, I got her to dance with me in the kitchen when 'Thinking out loud' came on the radio when were cooking fajitas!

 

Verbally?

I kinda thought I was being pretty upfront, if not verbally. I was just trying to avoid putting too much pressure on her!

 

That's why i'm trying not to move it too fast. I don't want to push her into anything if its not what she honestly wants...

 

Apologies, your quote here doesn't look quite right without the parts you quoted of mine.

 

Perhaps in some way, therapeutically this has really opened such an extreme mass of memories and emotions for me.

I've sat here for 3 hours this morning thinking of nothing else and it's been the toughest day I've had so far for a long while. 3 more hours later and I am editing and finishing my post to you.

 

First off I would appreciate if you would bear in mind a couple of things - what happened to me was 30 years ago an I was brought up pretty traditionally, I was just 17/18 when this happened to me which really is not terribly far away from GG's (I'll call her GG for Greek Girl) age - especially in that Greek's are generally quite a traditional culture.

I lost my Mum after a long illness, many years later I lost my Dad following a long illness too - I cannot therefore begin to imagine how GG is feeling with a sudden loss of both her Mum and Dad. When my Dad died my stomach shut down almost entirely. I found help with acupuncture. I only had 7 years of a parent being well in my life. To lose both so quickly - so shockingly - I have no words.

 

I don't know if GG has dated much or had many relationships but I had, prior to this only dated one guy for 3 weeks around 8 months before my Mum passed away. I really didn't know about relationships, I was still a virgin and that 3 weeks only involved kisses ,hugs and one sleepover, no real intimacy - no fumbling, no nakedness - I was way too naïve for any of that.

Due to that traditionality in me some of what I am about to write could well sound nuts and I could well be attacked for that.

 

I can't really answer your question without telling you my story - it's too complex.

So here is my story, maybe it might give you some further insight.

 

I was 17 when my Mum passed away, my Brother was 25. Me, Mum and Dad lived in the family home, my Brother, up until my Mum died lived away from home. My Brother then came back home for several months to be with us.

 

I was working my first real job - a great little company and I had made a lot of friends there.

 

Mum died on the Wednesday and at 4pm there was a call and I was driven home and found out once I got there.

The following 2 days I took off work, as did my Dad, my Brother could not get back until the Friday.

On the Friday afternoon I went into work - I had to be back at work on the following Monday and I felt that I didn't want to attempt to face a day of work surrounded by people I knew would want to offer condolences - so I went to see them to kinda get that out of the way before I properly went back for a working day.

When I returned home my Brother had come home.

On the Monday I went back to work and I was pretty normal - it was a normal day but around lunchtime my folks arrived and we went to the chapel of rest to see Mum - I can't begin to describe and didn't envisage how much my frame of mind had to change in the seconds from walking for the door to work to the few steps it took to get to the car - I just wasn't prepared - not at all. As much as anyone can say I had put what had happened out of my mind to the Nth degree.

 

There was a girl at work around my age who I had sort of become friends with and she was a big support to me right after Mum died. I invited her to the funeral but in hindsight I really wish I hadn't to be honest. She hadn't known Mum, my Dad and Brother didn't know her. I wasn't thinking straight.

In hindsight me inviting her was for me to have support which I felt I needed but in reality it was totally disrespectful to my family and to my Mum too. I feel utter shame that I did it and an enormous amount of pain and sorrow for doing it towards especially my Dad and my brother.. The tears are flowing now as I type.

In my defence though my long time friendship with a school friend was breaking down badly - right from the point I told her Mum had died.

This friend from school - she just didn't know what to do - she had no idea how to support me - she was scared of me I think more than anything else so close support outside of my family which I thought I could rely on just wasn't there. I don't blame her for any of this. So many people just don't know what to say when a close loved one dies no matter what age the one who is grieving is.

My school friends including her attended the funeral but largely kept a big distance.

 

My 18th birthday was fast approaching - just 10 days after my Mum's funeral and back in the previous summer Mum and Dad had asked what I wanted - a big 18th birthday present or a party. I chose a party. There was a little venue which was very popular at the time. Like a cosy little nightclub and lots of my friends had had their parties there.

 

At the time we organised it Mum and Dad had planned to pop in at the beginning to make an appearance, my Brother wasn't going to come. It was to be a me and my friends thing.

After Mum died that plan changed - my Brother plus his friends wanted to come - my Dad still said he would just make an appearance.

Dad stayed for the entire night

We all needed this party - which we realised in hindsight - we had all been silently dreading it. We had a ball!

 

Back at work a week and a weekend had passed and I found out that a work colleague/friend's car had been badly damaged in the car park the night of the party. The colleague's name was Paul. Paul worked in a separate building just 10 minutes walk away but both buildings interacted a lot and we saw each other most days. He was a lovely guy, a good laugh and easy to talk to.

 

I asked Paul about his car the next day when I saw him and since the party he had been in touch with the venue - been back there too and through talking to the staff had found out there was a couple of witnesses to the incident with his car. The staff had reported it to the police too but initially only had the registration number of the car which did the damage.

Now they could put the other piece together.

The lad who had caused the damage basically ran away before the police arrived at the house he lived with with his Mum.

The police had no success in finding him - but we had a name to put to the registration number.

I felt somewhat responsible for what had happened as it had happened at my party.

Eventually and several weeks later that name proved to be useful - it just so happened that I was out one night about a month after the party with my friends and there were some people around who I didn't know. but we were all talking about my party and I overheard a conversation and it was a guy not much older than me bragging about having got away with causing a lot of damage to a car when he drove away drunk.

I asked some people closer to me what the guy's name was and it was him.

I went over, knowing already that he had done a runner, his Mum had been very cagey about where he was, the police couldn't find him but it was clear he was back at home so I basically chatted him up not telling him anything of what I knew. He didn't even know whose party it had been. He was a friend of a friend. I got him to write down his name and number saying I would call him.

I went to Paul with the information and the police too - they got him. Due to witnesses he eventually got charged with drunk driving and lost his licence. But my friend Paul then got his insurance claim filled and having paid out hundreds to get his badly damaged car fixed was reimbursed.

 

In the month following the party and for a couple of months Paul was a good friend to me.

He started to drive over to the building I worked in and would give me a lift home after work and would talk to me, let me talk about Mum and what was going on at home.

My Dad and Brother were not in a good way - going back as far as the first day my Bro came back home and whilst organising the funeral I realised I had to grow up quick and be a lot more involved in the funeral prep than I ever thought I would be.

My Dad and Bro kinda stopped in time - is the only way 'at the time' I could explain their behaviour. They became unable to deal with things or look after themselves in a lot of ways. ( I now know that they were simply grieving and after all of this that I type here happened - finally I grieved also - or began to at least) I had to step up, take care of them both, make sure they were fed. I would make sure they got up, got washed, got dressed.

This change in them happened so quickly and one of us needed to do something or we would all fall apart - so I did. I stepped up. My Mum had been ill from when I was four years old - Basically I can't really remember her being well ever and so her death was expected.

 

When I was 11/12/13 I really realised her death could be imminent. I still have a lot of love for a teacher who saw that things were not all rosy and would let me talk, keep me out of morning assembly - she really helped me when I was in school.

 

I didn't expect my Dad and Bro to fall apart - we barely talked about Mum and her condition but for years we had all been carers to her. Mum had worked but mostly when she was healthier she had been the homemaker. As she deteriorated over the years the three of us took over - mostly Dad - we were a child and a teen and Dad took on the cooking and most of the housework. As me and my Bro grew we took on more naturally. Mum was in no fit state to do any of these things.

 

Anyway, Paul stepped up to help me, right after the conversation about his car and the damage - I had no car but he would take me food shopping. All this while we would talk about random stuff, work stuff but also what was going on for me - including realising that I was losing my close friends after Mum's death. I couldn't talk with my own friends much - they would change the subject. It also became more difficult to talk to Dad and Bro too - just even funny memories would upset them so much. So very much

 

Things went fast and from lifts home and helping, listening me and Paul would go out on days and nights out together.

Amongst all of this - he was my ROCK - he made my life feel sane. He was ALWAYS there for me when I needed a hug, a serious talk or a cry as well as making life still feel like it could have fun and laughter in it.

He gave me the break that I needed from the life I was living - work, cooking, finding myself being a carer for my Dad and Brother.

 

When me and Paul would see each other (often over those 3 months) we would kiss. He initiated it in the beginning - I can't recall at what point

Hugs were a thing that a lot of folk did - they became common from a lot of folk I came into contact with who knew or discovered from me or someone else saying that my Mum had died.

Kisses too - cheek kisses became a common thing.

Hugs that lasted longer than a normal hug.

 

Paul, at some point during lifts home progressed to a kiss on the lips. At the time it felt off at first but with all that was going on it just didn't. He was my rock - a total rock when I very much needed someone just for me - and so yeah - sometimes he would initiate a kiss on the lips and sometimes I would - there didn't appear to be anything too much out of place - but my whole life was 'out of place'. I just didn't know it.

Paul would buy me flowers - I wasn't in a right headspace at all after Mum died and my memory was crap. I became prone to losing things - a lot!

Lifts home after work, days out, not on purpose but I would forget something and leave it in his car.

He would drive off home after dropping me off and come back sometime later with flowers in one hand and the thing I had left in his car in the other hand.

This was how he got to know my Dad a bit. Dad would pretty much be the one to answer the door. They would talk a little but not much.

 

After a while and while this friendship was strong Paul started talking to me about his house - I had never been there and he had never been any further into my house than in the living room and a brief chat with my Dad.

 

Paul stared talking to me about the colour of his bedroom and about his house and about 'us' and it was sorta subtle but also all very quick (I'm saying quick as this was over 2-3 months and if I had been dating him - it's quick). He talked about how far he lived away and that he could drive me to work every day.

Through all of this though he was still my rock, my support, my fun days and nights out - and the person I would kiss because it felt - I don't know how it felt but we fell into it. It was only later I realised he instigated it and I went along - for fear of losing the rock I had to cling onto.

 

I never, not once saw Paul in a romantic way - not once in all of this time - and no, not even with the kissing. It had happened and seemed like something that I could not/should not stop - if I stopped it I might lose him as my rock.

 

I had so much that I had to 'keep up' and then more I had to take on over this period that no one as young as 18 or 22 should have to that romance was TOTALLY THE LAST THING on my mind.

 

I sat for an evening with my wonderful Dad one night and we talked - about a lot of stuff. I hadn't told him much about Paul prior to this but we sat and we had some food and a couple of glasses of whiskey together and I told Dad all.

Dad was worried. By this point in time Dad had become more than aware that I had stepped up to looking after all of us. He had been happy I was enjoying Paul's company. Dad knew I needed a break from reality.

But Dad also read what wasn't even in my mind - that there was no romance for me and that Paul to me was just a friend.

Dad knew that the way Paul was behaving and what he was saying was manipulative and a tactic to get me to depend upon him. The amount Paul was talking about his house - any visit there for me would have been imminent - heck yeah I was open to it! He lived 20 miles away so I wouldn't be getting myself home if I went there. I know for a fact that I would have ended up sleeping in the yellow painted bedroom he kept talking about.

 

Dad asked me if I wanted him to say something to Paul. I said no.

People at work had become strange around me and Paul over this time as well - as if we were an item. We weren't - at least not for me. My co-worker also became concerned once I told her what was happening. She too offered to tell Paul to back off.

 

I continued as normal with Paul for a week or so after talking to my Dad and my co-worker.

 

I ended up seeing things over that week for myself.

I came to my senses. Things were not right. Paul was on a completely different page to me and thought this was a relationship and through questions I asked I realised he was hugely in love, dead serious and thought about me sexually - not a little - a lot.

 

I felt so stupid, I felt and feel disgusted writing and thinking about this today.

Paul very gently manipulated me, he had a ulterior motive but never once said that he was after me as a girlfriend - he didn't give me enough respect to figure that I should have a choice - and that is what hurt the most.

Still, I was gutted that I had lost my rock and to me a friend I had trusted, counted on who was all and everything I needed right there, right then.

30 years later this still saddens me. I would love to be his friend but I cannot trust him.

 

This is why I said you should tell her how you feel - let her think about it and choose you if she WANTS to choose you.

It's like you have an ulterior motive or agenda just now (just like Paul did with me) as you are hiding your feelings. She might see you romantically but she might not too. Give her the respect, give her the choice.

 

In your posts you mention a 'grief-fling'. It may just be that (as I posted earlier - the worst kind of rebound) - and you need to bear this in mind for not just weeks/months but a good few years if you get properly together.

 

Edited to add: I totally collapsed after this was done and over - no one could understand me - this whole thing stopped me from grieving when I should have been. It was a fake reality.

Looking back I was I had gone under like my Dad and Bro did and not stepped up - I would likely be much less affected to this day and for the rest of my life.

Edited June 3, 2017 by GemmaUK

[mikeylo]

I'm kinda worried I might have screwed up a bit!

 

We were in the garden and she was going through some of the paper work for her dads business.

She told me some fella she dated briefly a few years ago, who did a bit of work for the business came out the woodwork the other week and reached out to her over her parents and offered to help with the business. And how she thought it was..basically taking advantage, and that she'd shut him down and in this conversation she used the words 'I'm seeing someone'

So....

 

Me: "oh your seeing someone are you"

Her: *playful* "yeah just this guy"

Me: "He must be pretty great"

Her: "yeah he's pretty hot, he's got a neat little beard and killer abs, I mean personality wise he's pretty annoying and his jokes are kinda lame but you can't have everything right"

Me: *laughing* "oh right!! Well I see how it is then"

Her: "that's how it is ....I just don't really know how he feels about me though"

Me: "you don't!!?"

Her: *serious* "it's really fast but I can't imagine not having him in my life. I'm not in a good place right now, and I'm not able to give as much of myself as I normally would to a relationship, and yet he's still here, but he doesn't say what he wants so I don't know if he sees us as a long term potential or if he just feels sorry for me or what."

 

And I said.. dun dun dun durhhh:

"Darling I love you!!"

 

I don't know why I said that! I don't know why! The words were out of my mouth before I even heard them, and then I was like what are you saying you class A idiot!

I was with my last girlfriend 7 months and I didn't say I love you, and this has been like, I dunno, 6.5 weeks!?

She looked surprised! I tried to save it! I was like "s***! Let's pretend I didn't say that! Say what you said again and I'll re answer"

Her: *laughing* "I don't know what I said"

Me: "yeah you do, you said, I don't know what he wants, and then I said.. I really really really like you *she laughed*, and I do see a long term future with you, I feel like this is where I am supposed to be! But I don't want to pressure you by telling you the way I feel when your dealing with so much right now. So you don't have to say anything at all back to me, just know that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere be it a year, be it 5 years, I'm here."

Her: "do you mean it?"

Me: "which bit?"

Her: "All of it?"

Me: "yeah"

 

She got up and kissed me and said about how she's never believe in fate but that she thinks she was meant to meet me that night!

 

So I guess she took it pretty well, but I still feel like a class A f*** up for saying I love her! That was way too soon, and literally goes against everything I've been trying to do of playing it cool!

 

:laugh:

 

If that's the way it was to be known , then so be it. Now at least you know that both of you are in same page. It can always be a good memory to tease down the lane! And you thought you were smart and mature

 

Just make sure the other guy doesn't sneak in !

 

The more positive you think about everything, better your actions will be and it result in a happy you and her !

 

If you see, you both have quite a bit of similarities. Similar parental stuff, she has a little sis , you have a little nephew, ages are appropriate. Again , not to feed your head anymore, seems like meant to be !

 

Think positively.