Affair dilemma

[squirrel99]

Hi Squirrel, let me guess. You are from India as is your AP. However, you are from different religions. I am basing my guess on something's that you mentioned in your post and also on your

I do not know how old you and your husband are but I would guess late twenties or early thirties.

 

We are not from India, but I don't think that matters anyway...

 

Yes, me and my husband got martied because we were in love, I was still quite young though. I never really wanted to get marry young, but it just felt right at the time so we did.

[squirrel99]

But, reading your story you don't seem to belong to either category. You are not vilifying your husband. Neither are you talking about how important it is for you to do the right thing and save your marriage. You have spoken only about the benefits you will gain by being with your husband and the loss you will face by cutting off your boyfriend. Nothing about your internal dilemma. I felt like reading some sort of a SWOT analysis.

 

 

If you want any real advice here, rather than presenting your thoughts on what you gain and what you lose, you should present your internal dilemma and your human side, if you have one. Else, you will sound like a troll. And also, why isn't your husband tracking you? Are you sure he doesn't know that you still talk to the AP? What were his actions/demands to set things right?

 

My husband hasn't done anything wrong. I guess we were busy and stressed for the past year due financial stuff, didn't really pay a lot of attention to each other. By the time I went to my business trip I felt like we were more like roommates than husband and wife. I care for him and he is my family, but I guess I started feeling lonely and craved that attention no one gave me for a long time.

 

I know I'd like to fix what me and my husband had, get back what we had long before the affair. At the same time I don't know if that's still possible - this is what keeps me torn.

 

He just keeps asking me not to hurt him again. He says he wants to trust me and doesn't want to check me. He wants things to be back to normal

[squirrel99]

First off, to the OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. Long timers here know what I'm going to say, but, I'm hoping this helps you to hear from a guy's point of view.

 

Thank you for taking your time to comment.

 

Some of the things you said...they were already on the back of my mind.. i guess they feel more real now... That the OM just wanted to have fun and I fell for him like a teenage girl

[BluesPower]

Yes sugar you did...

 

You fell for a player and he knew what he was doing all along. You are the side chick and his ego boost.

 

While I am not a creep like I used to be, I have taken many a married woman for a ride just like he did.

 

Frankly, lonely married woman like you are just so easy to get in the sack. If I was still this guy, which I am not, right this minute there are about 10 married, lonely women I know that I could take advantage of if I wanted to.

 

There is no love here, and there never was. Whether you divorce your husband like you should so he can find a real wife, that is your decision. You really should for his sake.

 

But without a doubt, you need to leave OM alone unless it turns you on to be used sexually by him, who knows, maybe it does.

 

Please stop all of this teenage stuff and start living an adult life...

[Bryanp]

Just curious but how would you feel if your husband was doing to you behind your back what you have been doing to him?

[QuietDan]

You are stealing from the relationship you have with your husband. A marriage based on lies and deception. Instead of confronting the problems and dealing with the issues in your marraige, you chose to look outside of the marraige. So, now you are using your husband. What do you think will happen if/when your husband finds out? What is the point in keeping this marriage? What do you want to happen in your marriage? What sort of future relationship do you plan on having with your husband? Is the status quo good enough for both of you? Are you trying to end your marraige? Are you working on getting your husband to end the marraige so he is the bad guy? Instead of investing in your future relationship with your husband, you are investing your time, and emotional energy into someone else. This really appears to be a half hearted attempt at creating a future with your husband. Why?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Squirrel, I'm sorry to say this but I think you never really fell in love with your husband. It was more like teen age infatuation. Infatuation wears off after some time and this seems to have happened in your case. At a young(read tender) age one is not really ready for long lasting love although it can happen in some cases but that is rare. One's maturity level is not adequate to be able to even begin to comprehend what love is. However infatuation, which feels like love is a common occurrence. I don't know how old you were when you got married but you say you were too young. So somewhere in the back of your mind you acknowledge that you probably made a mistake and what you thought was true love was something fickle, like infatuation.

 

At any rate even those who started out with infatuation can finally fall in love sometimes if they get to know each other well enough and learn to appreciate the characteristics and traits of their SO and respect them for it. However, by your actions and the test that life posed for you, namely some financial difficulty, you proved that you did not respect your husband enough to maintain your boundaries when you were not with him. Your AP being a player picked up on the cues you left for him to notice and he homed in for the kill. For him you were just a plaything, a sex doll if you will. The only reason he had kept contact with you is because he hopes in the future he will get another opportunity with you. You on the other hand fell for him and had an EA which turned into a PA because that is how a woman rewards the man who she has feelings for and whose continued love, affection and validation she craves.

 

Now that you know where you stand with respect to your AP you have to decide what is the best and honourable thing for you to do. If you think you cannot ever love your husband and he is just a safety net for you then the honourable thing to do is to divorce him and let him find a woman worthy of his love. You should then undertake time to introspect as to what your weakness of character was that let you do something so horrible to hurt your husband. You have to correct those faults and eliminate those weaknesses that let you down so badly before you venture into another relationship. If you want to make use of the chance that your husband is giving you to reconcile then do the hard work necessary to build his trust and help him heal without considering your own pain and discomfort. It is a long and hard road and you should only undertake it if you are all in. Warm wishes.

[whichwayisup]

We went back to our homes, kept communicating on the phone until my husband found out. He was devastated and hurt and I felt awful for hurting him.

 

I told my husband that I'll end it with the other man. But I never really did.

 

It's obvious you're not in love with your husband nor do you truly care about him.

 

Divorce your husband and then go be with the OM. No point in continuing to betray and hurt your husband.

[GoldenR]

It only got physical on the last few days we were on the trip, to me it's emotional. I got to know him and started craving to know more abou him, became intrigued about his views and life experiences... He said he fell in love with me and I felt the same

 

You had a PA. Don't try to minimize it.

 

And you can't fall in love, not REALLY fall in love in a month. You were infatuated.

[Mr Blunt]

My husband hasn't done anything wrong. I guess we were busy and stressed for the past year due financial stuff, didn't really pay a lot of attention to each other. By the time I went to my business trip I felt like we were more like roommates than husband and wife. I care for him and he is my family, but I guess I started feeling lonely and craved that attention no one gave me for a long time.

 

I know I'd like to fix what me and my husband had, get back what we had long before the affair. At the same time I don't know if that's still possible - this is what keeps me torn.

 

He just keeps asking me not to hurt him again. He says he wants to trust me and doesn't want to check me. He wants things to be back to normal

 

Your story reminds me of a shallow teenage girl that lacks loyalty and integrity…You have hurt your husband deeply because you love to have your emotions/ego spiked…You think that real love can be achieved in a month by having your ego/sexual organs and emotions stroked by someone you have never lived with… I doubt that you are going to get over your exciting betrayal so how about you get your husband to come to this thread so the mature and experienced posters can talk with him? Your husband is probably desperate and is compromising because you have devastated him and could use some advice from experienced and mature people that have dealt with such betrayals.

[squirrel99]

Just curious but how would you feel if your husband was doing to you behind your back what you have been doing to him?

 

Of course I wouldn't feel good, what can I say...

 

I've been cheated on by someone many years ago, it crushed me. I thought I could never hurt anyone like this, but here you go...

[Just a Guy]

So are you going to leave it at "Here you go" or are you going to be proactive about righting the wrong you've done your husband by helping him heal or divorcing him so that he can find some one else? You cannot realistically maintain status quo. Something to think about.

[squirrel99]

Thank you all for your comments.

 

I felt many of them were really harsh (and I deserved them).

 

I thought a lot about what you all said, it really helped me to clear my head about what happened and why.

 

I have made a decision to cut off the contact with OM and feel content that this is now over. I still have mixed feelings, but I know that this was the right decision - whether it works out between me and my husband or not.

 

My husband has started therapy and I have a session booked next week. Hopefully this will help us to work through our relationship and to see if there is anything left between us. I know he loves me a lot - probably more than I deserve (as many of you noted). I know that we were really good together - long time ago. I agree with you all who said that no one should be anyones second choice and I don't want to make him my second choice. I want to dedicate myself to our relationship now and give my 100% and see if we can fix it or not. I just want to be sure about us being together - it will never work if me (or both of us) are not sure.

 

Throughout our relationship, my husband was my best friend, we were like siblings, but no longer lovers, and I think I craved that affection so much. I think I just got used to being 'old married couple' at age of 27, I felt like this was our life. I didn't see any problems that could be fixed (i.e. that I didn't want sex with him anymore, even though I have high libido. we slept like once a month and I just wanted it to be over) and that was a problem itself. It was just so easy to fell for someone who came along with all the attention and affection.

 

I have always followed dysfunctional relationship patterns with men - except my husband - and I think that was another thing that attracted my to OM.

 

OM had a lot of problems - including low self-esteem, diagnosed anxiety disorder, issues with previous partner who broke it off with him and he never forgot her. I guess both of us were damaged in many ways and this was something that made it easy for me to relate to him. I felt like I knew him - and how he felt - and that I felt the same - and that we can fix each other.

 

Did he want to take advantage of me?

Maybe. He always knew I was of different religion (it's obvious) and he always knew his family would have difficulties to accept me. But he didn't tell me this until the end, by when I was already head over heals for him.

 

On the last day on the trip though, he told me that he will fight for us, he spoke to his siblings right away, introduced me to them over facetime and was excited that they seemed to accept the idea that he was crazy about someone from a different religious background. He told me they said it didn't matter, but he was worried he might have to fight for me with his parents. But he said he will - even told me the date when he was planning to do it (that was the date when I actually told him that I have chosen my husband. He reminded me that he was planning to speak to his parents on the day, but I told him it's better if he doesn't). He told about me his best friend and his friend told him 'he has to marry me as we seem perfect for each other'.

 

But when we got back to the real world thiongs changed. I guess I already felt that OM started doubting the whole idea of 'us'. Or maybe he got tired, or got back to reality and realised that he doesn't want to be a part of a mess of trying to work it out with a married woman from a different religious background. Or maybe... he was just keeping me around hoping he will be able to use me for casual sex again. His messages and calls were becoming rare and I knew he doesn't care as much as he did.

 

Anyhow, I basiclly fell for a wrong guy for the wrong reasons at a wrong time, without considering any morals or my husband's feelings. And then continued contact with hm as I was already addicted to our communication. We actually live 45 minutes apart (even though we met abroad) and I was worried that if I continue contact with him we might start meeting up which would be even more messy and hurtful for my husband once he finds out.

 

I know I can't change what I have done and it was unfair to my husband. I know I care about him - you may doubt whether I love him. I don't know if I love him as a partner/husband but I want to give our marriage a chance. I want to see if we can be happy together again.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Squirrel, good to know that you have done some introspection. You seem to be coming back to land with both feet on the ground. What you have described about your sex life and the nature of your relationship with your husband bodes ill for the future. Why is it that if you have a strong libido , you have sex just once a month? Is it because you do not find your husband attractive or does he suffer from sexual limitations or is it just that you have fallen out of love with him.

 

The fact is that the way you have written seems singularly unenthusiastic about re energizing your marriage and reconciling with your husband. Unless you are all in and and fully committed to helping your husband heal, there is no point in dragging things on. You must have heard of the adage "Flogging a dead horse". Well if your marriage is like that dead horse then just accept that fact and move on. You will be doing yourself and your husband a big favour. Warm wishes.

[Vincentstreet]

@ Mrs John Adams. Just a wee response to your comment and some insight into my line of thought... You are correct that it is his decision... but Can I not get frustrated with what I see as an injustice? Reconciliation does involve compromise to a degree... but let me explain what compromise is to me. (albeit old school, antiquated ... )

Imagine the most dreadful poison concealed as the sweetest fruit... (we will equate this to infidelity) being force-fed a mouthfull will kill you.... similarly, 1 teaspoon will kill you. (or leave you permanently dis-functional) This is not compromise its death either way. More especially when one has been cheated on by a calculating WS... They always know the consequences... regardless of what they say.. but CHOOSE to do it anyways.

All of a sudden BS becomes the no.1? Its just self preservation. There is no compromise here... Compromise is like ..." I really dont want to talk about this today.. i am tired and not in the mood.. but i will do anyway because I value her.. and I will do it to the best of my ability... " or " I really want to enjoy my wifes body now.. but she is not feeling well so I will read to her instead "

 

I do advocate forgiveness, but it doesn't mean I can forget the selfish ambition of my cheating partner? They made the choice for you with their actions. All the rest is at best self preservation and holding onto what they think they could lose. That calculation should have been done the moment before they gave into their lusts. I am not belittling anyone. If anything I wish for them to snap out of the cycle they find themselves in.

I know I don't come across well... but the world we live in is full of excuses.. reasons why i am like I am etc etc. even in the medical professions new behaviors are labelled and given scientific foundation and low and behold... another excuse is born. When simply good old family values and structure, parental role models, honor etc etc.. would go a long way to restoring peoples self respect and virtues..

[wmacbride]

How about she confesses to her husband...tell him everything she said here...and then let HIM make the decision best for him? Isn't that really what is fair?

 

Why should she get to make all the decisions? She obviously makes bad choices.

 

My advice was based on what she said....She wants both men...and neither one for the right reason.

 

I really believe there is more going on here than meets the eye.

 

The op has met, fallen in love with and is ready to chuck her marriage for a guy she realistically barely knows. A few stolen moments during a working trip and some chatting on face time doesn't mean she really knows him.

 

Frankly, I think this is far more about her own thought process than anything else. I'm not recommending divorce just yet, but I really believe there is more going on here.

 

OP, with all due respect, if you are going to stay married ( and even if you aren't) I would suggest some counseling for you try and figure out why all this happened.

[Cephalopod]

My husband hasn't done anything wrong. I guess we were busy and stressed for the past year due financial stuff, didn't really pay a lot of attention to each other. By the time I went to my business trip I felt like we were more like roommates than husband and wife. I care for him and he is my family, but I guess I started feeling lonely and craved that attention no one gave me for a long time.

 

I know I'd like to fix what me and my husband had, get back what we had long before the affair. At the same time I don't know if that's still possible - this is what keeps me torn.

 

He just keeps asking me not to hurt him again. He says he wants to trust me and doesn't want to check me. He wants things to be back to normal

 

The bolded part tells us that you have detached from your husband and no longer really love him. He is not your brother. He is not just family. He is the man you vowed to love and honor and cherish for the rest of your life.

 

And just so you know, if you felt lonely and unloved during the last year of your marriage, I can pretty much guarantee your husband felt the same way. The disconnect between you two was shared fault between the two of you. You are as responsible for the diminished relationship as your husband was.

 

What you feel for the other man is not love. It is limerance...infatuation. It is not real, and you are throwing away your life and marriage for a fantasy.

[wmacbride]

It only got physical on the last few days we were on the trip, to me it's emotional. I got to know him and started craving to know more abou him, became intrigued about his views and life experiences... He said he fell in love with me and I felt the same

 

No, you don;t love each other. You love who you think he is, and he loves who he thinks you are...but neither of you loves who the other really is.

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but it's the truth. You love a fantasy and what you think he is and also what you are projecting on to him.

 

I understand the feeling. I've been married for twenty years to a guy who I got "engaged" to a couple of days after I met him. This being said, we spent a lot of time getting to know one another before we got married. I didn't make any huge life changes until I knew for sure he was worth it.

 

As it stands right now, there are a few facts about this other man that you do know that stand in your way

 

- his family's religious background may keep them from being able to accept you ( not to mention that your relationship started as an A)

 

- you know he doesn't really have a problem with affairs, as if he did, he wouldn't be having one. how long do you think it's going to take him to turn to cheating should you and he get together and get in a fight or aren't getting along?

 

- right now, you are int he same boat as he is in the point above. will cheating become your "go to" solution if you are bored, angry, sad etc.?

 

- he lives in another country- long distance relationships are one thing. All fun and fantasy. Reality can be very different.

 

- Really, you barely know him.

 

Is it really worth destroying your life over?

 

If you want to leave your marriage because you are not happy, that's one thing. If you leave for this mm, it may well blow up in your face, and you'll be left broken hearted, and your husband destroyed.

 

Ask yourself this. Would you be wanting to leave if not for the mm? If the answer is "no" or " I don't know", then you would be leaving for the wrong reasons, and there is a high chnace it won;t work out.

 

In my opinion, your first step should be to sit down with your husband and have a long and honest discussion with him. Tell him what has been going on, and ask him what he wants to do. Put him in the driver's seat for now. If you are going to stay together, he is going to need a lot of time to heal. Marriage counseling can be helpful, and if you are the same religion, there may even be faith based counseling available at your place of worship.

 

Whatever you decide, you should try and make it with as clear a mind as possible. Is there some way you can take a couple of days, maybe a weekend, to travel somewhere alone to think? Leave you phone and laptop at home, ( leave a contact number if case of emergency) and spend the time really considering what you want to do. If you have a trusted friend you can talk to, bring her along too to talk to and help you work through all of this.

 

If you do choose to reconcile, keep in mind that you likely won't be able to dump any of your grief at losing your om on your husband. That is incredibly unfair to him. Reconciling is a long and sometimes difficult road, and you have to be 100 percent in for it to work. It can also be a very humbling experience, and you may well end up completely razing your marriage and having to build it up all over again and work very hard at regaining your h's trust. You may seem him broken and despondent, very very angry or even absolutely crushed. Can you handle that? It's going to be 100 percent about him ( at least at first), which is as it should be. Again, is that something you can handle?

 

I'm not saying any of this because I think you are a bad person or to scare you. Honestly, I think you're simply a human being who messed up.The problem is that the one who will pay the biggest price is your husband.

[Southern Sun]

How about she confesses to her husband...tell him everything she said here...and then let HIM make the decision best for him? Isn't that really what is fair?

 

Why should she get to make all the decisions? She obviously makes bad choices.

 

My advice was based on what she said....She wants both men...and neither one for the right reason.

 

There's been three pages of posts since I last came here, but just to point out, that was exactly my advice to the OP: give her husband the ability to make the choice. But I certainly don't agree that this means she doesn't love him and she should head straight for divorce.

[Southern Sun]

As a BW, I wish someone would have given my ex the advice to just leave. That would have given me back the two years of my life he was wasting while in his affair. His cheating absolutely meant he didn't love me.

 

I do agree that a person has no right to maintain both relationships. Absolutely, choose a lane. And tell your spouse, so THEY can choose to leave if they want. I think one of the most selfish acts is trying to keep both and maintain control of the situation. But I think it's wrong of people to come on these boards and tell women that getting themselves into an affair *MUST MEAN* they don't love their husbands and by its very act indicates they should leave. It's dangerous advice. Women who cheat already have to convince themselves of this, because it is usually against their personal value system. Unfortunately, given a little time, they will typically realize what a disastrous thought process that really was. And yet, if they will just make some good decisions - end the stupid affair, recommit to their marriage, rather than take the advice I see so often here, they just might have a chance to reclaim their brains and hearts before it's too late.

[Unforseen]

There's been three pages of posts since I last came here, but just to point out, that was exactly my advice to the OP: give her husband the ability to make the choice. But I certainly don't agree that this means she doesn't love him and she should head straight for divorce.

 

That's a good point Southern. I makes sense that the OP doesn't feel in love as she hasn't been practicing and nurturing that love. In some of my homework for my own IC I ran across this quote from Brene Brown:

 

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

 

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

 

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare."

 

It seems like it would be possible for the OP and her BS to rebuild a love between them, but it will take effort and time from both of them to make that happen. They will have to see if that is something they want to or can do.

[Southern Sun]

Thank you all for your comments.

 

I felt many of them were really harsh (and I deserved them).

 

I thought a lot about what you all said, it really helped me to clear my head about what happened and why.

 

I have made a decision to cut off the contact with OM and feel content that this is now over. I still have mixed feelings, but I know that this was the right decision - whether it works out between me and my husband or not.

 

This is the first thing you must do, and it's the right thing. It is the only way for you to start getting clear in your mind, let go of the fantasy you have created, live in a genuine and transparent way, and begin to make a real effort to reconcile with your husband. No one can tell you what you must do in regards to confessing the ongoing contact, but you must seriously consider the best route here. I will say that it is not uncommon for APs to reach back out to each other after discovery. It doesn't make it right, but it happens (due to the addictive nature of the relationship). If you want a totally clean slate, and true accountability, you will want to tell him.

 

My husband has started therapy and I have a session booked next week. Hopefully this will help us to work through our relationship and to see if there is anything left between us. I know he loves me a lot - probably more than I deserve (as many of you noted). I know that we were really good together - long time ago. I agree with you all who said that no one should be anyones second choice and I don't want to make him my second choice. I want to dedicate myself to our relationship now and give my 100% and see if we can fix it or not. I just want to be sure about us being together - it will never work if me (or both of us) are not sure.

 

You've got nothing to lose. Now is the time to put it all on the table and also give it everything you've got. It is easy to let the relationship go on auto-pilot and stop being truly emotionally vulnerable. You may find that,

with real honesty and transparency, you are able to create a truly intimate relationship like you haven't had in many years. If, of course, he can forgive you.

 

Throughout our relationship, my husband was my best friend, we were like siblings, but no longer lovers, and I think I craved that affection so much. I think I just got used to being 'old married couple' at age of 27, I felt like this was our life. I didn't see any problems that could be fixed (i.e. that I didn't want sex with him anymore, even though I have high libido. we slept like once a month and I just wanted it to be over) and that was a problem itself. It was just so easy to fell for someone who came along with all the attention and affection.

 

With long-term relationships/marriages, we can fall into these brother/sister patterns for various reasons: we don't maintain our individuality (what pulled you to him in the first place? what was he good at?

is he still doing those things, cultivating those interests? are you?); we start doing everything together and no longer have that interesting friction;

if we don't express our real desires, it may feel like we get along really well,

but resentments may build; having a little argument or a good fight now and then is good, as long as we area able to resolve our differences, because it maintains a level of passion and shows that we aren't stuffing down our personal needs/wants (thus avoiding resentment and anger). Hopefully your counselor can get to these things.

 

I have always followed dysfunctional relationship patterns with men - except my husband - and I think that was another thing that attracted my to OM.

 

If your relationship with your husband was comfortable and safe, you may have been drawn to the chaos and excitement offered by the OM. But you have to recognize this in yourself and create better boundaries and know that this will never lead to anything good.

 

OM had a lot of problems - including low self-esteem, diagnosed anxiety disorder, issues with previous partner who broke it off with him and he never forgot her. I guess both of us were damaged in many ways and this was something that made it easy for me to relate to him. I felt like I knew him - and how he felt - and that I felt the same - and that we can fix each other.

 

Did he want to take advantage of me?

Maybe. He always knew I was of different religion (it's obvious) and he always knew his family would have difficulties to accept me. But he didn't tell me this until the end, by when I was already head over heals for him.

 

On the last day on the trip though, he told me that he will fight for us, he spoke to his siblings right away, introduced me to them over facetime and was excited that they seemed to accept the idea that he was crazy about someone from a different religious background. He told me they said it didn't matter, but he was worried he might have to fight for me with his parents. But he said he will - even told me the date when he was planning to do it (that was the date when I actually told him that I have chosen my husband. He reminded me that he was planning to speak to his parents on the day, but I told him it's better if he doesn't). He told about me his best friend and his friend told him 'he has to marry me as we seem perfect for each other'.

 

But when we got back to the real world thiongs changed. I guess I already felt that OM started doubting the whole idea of 'us'. Or maybe he got tired, or got back to reality and realised that he doesn't want to be a part of a mess of trying to work it out with a married woman from a different religious background. Or maybe... he was just keeping me around hoping he will be able to use me for casual sex again. His messages and calls were becoming rare and I knew he doesn't care as much as he did.

 

Anyhow, I basiclly fell for a wrong guy for the wrong reasons at a wrong time, without considering any morals or my husband's feelings. And then continued contact with hm as I was already addicted to our communication. We actually live 45 minutes apart (even though we met abroad) and I was worried that if I continue contact with him we might start meeting up which would be even more messy and hurtful for my husband once he finds out.

 

I know I can't change what I have done and it was unfair to my husband. I know I care about him - you may doubt whether I love him. I don't know if I love him as a partner/husband but I want to give our marriage a chance. I want to see if we can be happy together again.

 

Relationships with a lot of obstacles (religious differences, distance, MARRIAGES) can feel very romantic. It's the Romeo and Juliet effect. Women at their core want to feel pursued and romanced. But we need to turn to our husbands for these things. We also don't get to live entitled, spoiled lives and expect to be romanced and pursued for our whole lives, if we are in a long-term marriage. It will come and go. But you should be able to express your wants, and both you and your husband should do the best you can to meet those wants and needs within the M. And then give each other a lot of grace and forgiveness...a big key in making things work over the long haul.

[purplesorrow]

I do agree that a person has no right to maintain both relationships. Absolutely, choose a lane. And tell your spouse, so THEY can choose to leave if they want. I think one of the most selfish acts is trying to keep both and maintain control of the situation. But I think it's wrong of people to come on these boards and tell women that getting themselves into an affair *MUST MEAN* they don't love their husbands and by its very act indicates they should leave. It's dangerous advice. Women who cheat already have to convince themselves of this, because it is usually against their personal value system. Unfortunately, given a little time, they will typically realize what a disastrous thought process that really was. And yet, if they will just make some good decisions - end the stupid affair, recommit to their marriage, rather than take the advice I see so often here, they just might have a chance to reclaim their brains and hearts before it's too late.

 

Why is it dangerous?

[GoldenR]

But I think it's wrong of people to come on these boards and tell women that getting themselves into an affair *MUST MEAN* they don't love their husbands and by its very act indicates they should leave.

 

But it really does mean that. Bc at that time that they do allow it to actually happen, they don't. They may eventually come back to reality and realize that they were merely convincing themselves otherwise to justify their affair.

 

Or they may tell themselves the entire time that what H won't know won't hurt him, that they'll still be a good W to him even though they're in an A. And if that's the case, then they obviously have no clue what love is.

 

Either way, while the A is actually happening, they don't love their spouses, regardless of what they think. And they certainly don't love their spouses:

 

A - as much as their spouse loves them, or

 

B - as much as their spouse thought they loved them

 

And for reason B above, I will most always advocate D, bc I don't think most WWs can handle their H never looking at them the same way again, and bc the BHs deserve to have a W that they can look at that way. People may say they've healed, they're fine, better than ever, and whether the BS ever says it out loud or not, for the rest of his life, and this can happen anywhere, anytime --- kids' sporting events, family vacation, at the supermarket, on the couch while watching tv -- the BH will have that moment where he remembers what the WW did, and a wave of sadness overtakes him, as he again is hit with reality that he will always be the one that loved more that his WW did, that she didn't love him enough to stay faithful. And he'll wonder if he chose correctly in staying.

 

No one should live with that.

[Imajerk17]

I do agree that a person has no right to maintain both relationships. Absolutely, choose a lane. And tell your spouse, so THEY can choose to leave if they want. I think one of the most selfish acts is trying to keep both and maintain control of the situation. But I think it's wrong of people to come on these boards and tell women that getting themselves into an affair *MUST MEAN* they don't love their husbands and by its very act indicates they should leave. It's dangerous advice. Women who cheat already have to convince themselves of this, because it is usually against their personal value system. Unfortunately, given a little time, they will typically realize what a disastrous thought process that really was. And yet, if they will just make some good decisions - end the stupid affair, recommit to their marriage, rather than take the advice I see so often here, they just might have a chance to reclaim their brains and hearts before it's too late.

 

I don't agree with this either.

 

Love is a VERB, not a noun. If my partner is having sex with another man, then she doesn't love me. Furthermore, as you said yourself, if she ALREADY went through all these mental gymnastics before allowing herself to have the affair including telling herself that she doesn't really love me, isn't that grounds for divorce?

 

I also think you are looking at sexual infidelity through a woman's eyes and not a man's, and so you aren't getting the pain our gender feels when this happens to us (and we feel this pain partly because we subconsciously get what you said above--all that the woman had to do to get herself to have sex w someone else in the first place). Most men view that as the ultimate act of betrayal, so she doesn't get to stay married to us anymore.

Edited May 31, 2017 by Imajerk17