Affair dilemma

[QuietDan]

Interesting comment.

 

To be fair I don't know why the sex stop. I didn't stop it on purpose, just didn't feel comfortable with him touching me anymore and he didn't really ask why. I didn't feel attractive anymore, I felt old and fat and that there is no point to try to look good anymore. I started turning down my husband and he stopped trying to have sex with me.

 

I can see now that we should have addressed this way back, but we never did.

 

I am not saying that this was the reason for my A, it definitely wasn't. I actually fell for this guy emotionally, but I think that it was easy to fall for someone who made me feel desirable and beautiful as I was craving this kind of attention for a long time.

I find myself wondering if you started exercising, going to a gym, lost some weight, felt better about yourself... Then responded to the attention from a younger man... If you felt too old and fat to accept your husbands sexual desires, what changed in that part of the equation with the other man?

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by squirrel99

 

 

To be fair I don't know why the sex stop. I didn't stop it on purpose, just didn't feel comfortable with him touching me anymore and he didn't really ask why. I didn't feel attractive anymore, I felt old and fat and that there is no point to try to look good anymore. I started turning down my husband and he stopped trying to have sex with me.

 

I can see now that we should have addressed this way back, but we never did.

 

I am not saying that this was the reason for my A, it definitely wasn't. I actually fell for this guy emotionally, but I think that it was easy to fall for someone who made me feel desirable and beautiful as I was craving this kind of attention for a long time.

 

Squirrel

Your problem is within yourself and nobody can get that a lot better except you with the right help…

 

You fell for the guy emotionally because you look to other people to fix what only you can fix for yourself…You are looking to the wrong people and you are making the wrong decisions for yourself….My suggestion is for you to concentrate on you getting much more satisfied with yourself; so what professional help are you getting so you can get stronger?

 

Right now in your weaken state you cannot help your husband much and are a weight around his neck. Help yourself so that you can maybe help others someday.

[GoldenR]

I'm a little confused here....

 

Your H desired you. But you felt old and fat until OM wanted you.

 

Sounds like you fell out of love with your H a long time ago. Are you sure this wasn't an exit A, only now you're scared to go thru with it?

[wmacbride]

SEX is not LOVE. Many people have sex with people without loving them, or love people without having sex with them.

 

If your partner is having sex with another man without your consent, she is at the very least behaving in a thoughtless manner towards you. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you at all. Many people do thoughtless and unloving things at some point in their lives, sometimes that hurt their loved ones deeply. It doesn't mean there is no love at all.

 

However, it may be very true that if your partner is cheating on you she doesn't love you enough for your needs, and you're certainly within your rights to say that the relationship is over at that point.

 

 

 

 

To answer the other person who asked why the immediate rush to "YOU SHOULD DIVORCE RIGHT NOW" is dangerous? Well, people in affairs are already not thinking clearly and making stupid decisions without understanding the long-term consequences to themselves or to others. Because they're vulnerable and have poor judgment, they might be easily pushed to do exactly that... But if a wayward spouse moves out of the house instantly, files divorce papers, and shows up at the doorstep of their affair partner, do you think that's actually going to lead to a helpful outcome for anyone involved? Anyone at all?

 

It feels like people sometimes yell "GET A DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY!" in the hopes of either shocking and upsetting the WS, or in the hopes that they'll actually do it and have things go horribly wrong. Which makes it feel like encouraging a vulnerable person to hurt themselves.

 

On the other hand I agree that the BS has a right to know what is going on, so people who yell CONFESS IMMEDIATELY, I'm okay with.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with this first statement.

 

For some of us, sex does equate with love. We don't separate the two, and can't, even if we try.

 

Just talking for myself, but if I was to reach a point where I was going to have sex with another man, I would have to not have any feelings left for my husband at all.

 

Some people are like me. Some separate sex and love, many lie somewhere between the two. The ws has had all the time in the world to sort through their feelings and to make peace with them. The bs has not had that opportunity, and even if they had, for some, whether there was love or not is not relevant. The cheating was enough.

[squirrel99]

What do you intend to do at this point? You know you cannot have both men.... and it isn't fair to your husband for you to pretend everything is ok on the home front while you love someone else.

 

Sure that can change... and maybe you are coming to your senses... maybe you now need to feel safe instead of being the center of attention. So will you tell your husband what you have done and let him decide what is best for him?

 

I have gone NC with the OM and I strongly feel this is the right choice.

 

My husband has started therapy and I am starting it too on Monday.

 

I am ashamed to say this, but I am not ready to tell my husband that I continued talking to OM after I told him that it's over.

 

I know I'm a coward and I know this is bad. I just don't have a heart to tell my husband that I broke his trust again.

[squirrel99]

So.... your husband initiated sex, you would reject him over and over... to the point where he stopped initiating (being rejected over and over destroys self worth)...but your perception is that you were the one craving attention/desirability...and that is why you had an affair. This is a classic case of rewriting maritial history.

 

It was you....yes you....who was day by day, slight by slight, rejection by rejection making your HUSBAND vulnerable to an affair.

 

I am not saying it was his fault. I am saying we went cold a long time ago. He stopped trying and I didn't try to fix this. We never spoke of it and just lived as it was normal. If he cheated on me and told me it was because of lack of sex then yes, I would agree that he is right and would agree that it was my fault.

 

How much does your husband know of this affair? Does he know it was physical? That it is currently still active?

 

It is no longer active, I cut it off. My husband knows everything else, I answered all his questions. He didn't want too much detail, he had specific questions and saw part of my chat history. I felt that he doesn't get how serious this was - I told him clearly it was both physical and emotional and that I cared for this OM.

 

As far as love....how can anyone say you treat those we love like this. Does love deny intimacy? Does love reject? Does love give to others what our "loved one" wants? Does love continue to hurt, humiliate, disrespect?

 

We never spoke about lack of intimacy, I don't think we ever though about this as being actual problem. i.e. we kind of thought it was normal. I spoke to my husband about this yesterday. He said he didn't think it was an issue, he said he was always flexible and doesn't mind if we have sex very often or rarely. He said he accepted the fact that I get tired and don't feel in the mood for sex.

 

 

Comments above

[GoldenR]

I am ashamed to say this, but I am not ready to tell my husband that I continued talking to OM after I told him that it's over.

 

I know I'm a coward and I know this is bad. I just don't have a heart to tell my husband that I broke his trust again.

 

The sooner you tell him the better. The longer it takes for him to find out, the more he will feel like a fool, the more chance of D.

 

Would you want to know if the roles were reversed? Be honest.

[squirrel99]

Did your husband say or do cruel things to you to try to convey a message to you that he thought or felt that you were not attractive to him? Or, did he learn to live with your rejection and respected your decisions and found alternative interests and ways to deal with the rejection?

There is a chance that his true desire for being intimate with you never really changed. He just learned to live with keeping his hurt and frustration to himself.

 

He didn't do anything bad. I guess I just stopped wanting sex with him, but he didn't really try to ask me why or push me to do it.

 

I spoke to him yesterday and he said he doesn't really mind how often do we have sex, he is flexible with whatever I'm comfortable with and didn't ever think that we have problems.

[squirrel99]

I find myself wondering if you started exercising, going to a gym, lost some weight, felt better about yourself... Then responded to the attention from a younger man... If you felt too old and fat to accept your husbands sexual desires, what changed in that part of the equation with the other man?

 

My husband is not big with compliments or affection. He is good, loving man who will do anything he needs to do for his wife - not necessarily compliment me or notice what I wear, how I changed my hair, etc.

 

I have quite low self-ensteem, was bullied as a 'fat' kid my all childhood and adolesence. I am not overweight anymore, but I always feel 'fat' and unatractive even though I put a lot of effort in my appearance.

 

The new guy - he noticed me. He noticed what I wore, he noticed my features, he sounded genuinely interested in my opinions etc. I just felt boost of confidence (which is probably quite common in affairs so not a surprise here...)

[squirrel99]

Squirrel

Your problem is within yourself and nobody can get that a lot better except you with the right help…

 

You fell for the guy emotionally because you look to other people to fix what only you can fix for yourself…You are looking to the wrong people and you are making the wrong decisions for yourself….My suggestion is for you to concentrate on you getting much more satisfied with yourself; so what professional help are you getting so you can get stronger?

 

Right now in your weaken state you cannot help your husband much and are a weight around his neck. Help yourself so that you can maybe help others someday.

 

I get this now. I have therapy session booked on Monday - hopefully I can keep this up to help myself to resolve my personal problems and to understand why I got myself into this mess in a first place.

 

My husband started therapy already, hopefully we can attend some sessions together as well.

[Buckeye2]

Throughout our relationship, my husband was my best friend, we were like siblings, but no longer lovers, and I think I craved that affection so much.

 

This is common in a long term marriage. You become family and aspects of this are even desirable. You would donate a kidney to your spouse but they no longer give you “butterflies.”

 

Do a search for the TED talk by Helen Fishier: Why We Cheat, Why We Love.

[Superchicken]

 

The new guy - he noticed me. He noticed what I wore, he noticed my features, he sounded genuinely interested in my opinions etc. I just felt boost of confidence (which is probably quite common in affairs so not a surprise here...)

 

I have a surprise for you.

Put a pair of boobs on anything, and ALL men will take notice.

 

 

Your not special, and so don't see yourself in his eyes as that.

Blues said it best.

You did get played, and he used "Text Book" procedures and followed through perfectly.

 

 

I keep rolling my eyes when I read cheater saying how much they love their spouse, and wish they can take it back.

For Pete's sake, you knew exactly what it would do to your marriage and H.

You only thought of yourself, and took a big chance. But, you didn't count on getting caught.

I have some compassion for cheaters that confess BEFORE being busted.

But, once busted, there's no going back. Because, I feel they have no conscience, and I cant be with someone like that.

You are that type of person. Your not alone, there's many out there.

So please get a conscience, and act on it.

You need to come clean, as when he finds out (And he will one day) that you continued to talk to the OM, it may be the last nail in the coffin.

 

 

Tell him now, and he will just get a little angrier, but the fact that you did actually do a NC this time round, will shown him, at least now you really are interested in getting back into your relationship 100%.

 

 

 

 

Ted (The boob watcher)

[Buckeye2]

The new guy - he noticed me. He noticed what I wore, he noticed my features, he sounded genuinely interested in my opinions etc. I just felt boost of confidence (which is probably quite common in affairs so not a surprise here...)

 

WRITTEN BY A PLAYER:

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

 

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage.

 

If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

 

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

 

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

 

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

 

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

 

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

 

 

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

 

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

 

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

 

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

 

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

[QuietDan]

Comments above

 

I noticed, he accepted and respected the message that you clearly communicated. Notice how he said that "you" were the one that was too tired and not interested in sex. He just didn't, appearantly still, doesn't realize that its with just him that you are too tired and not in the mood for sex with. Other men are welcomed to try. You are interested and not to tired if it is with someone who isn't your husband.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I noticed, he accepted and respected the message that you clearly communicated. Notice how he said that "you" were the one that was too tired and not interested in sex. He just didn't, appearantly still, doesn't realize that its with just him that you are too tired and not in the mood for sex with. Other men are welcomed to try. You are interested and not to tired if it is with someone who isn't your husband.

 

Yeah, it isn't lost on me either....this illogical logic that OP is trying to pass off.

 

OP set up the dynamic of no intimacy/affection..then states the lack of affection from her husband as causation.

 

Nor is it lost on me that as good as a husband he is....there will always be something else that he wasn't too good at. Quite the "standard" that this husband has to maintain. I wonder how high of a measuring stick was used.

 

Unrealistic expectations from ones partner is our own short-comings being highlighted.....not theirs.

[Try]

I guess I just stopped wanting sex with him, but he didn't really try to ask me why or push me to do it.

 

I spoke to him yesterday and he said he doesn't really mind how often do we have sex.

Have you heard of the expression "7 year itch"? It is more than just a coincidence that you have been together for 7 years, and that you are not sexually attracted to your husband anymore. Apparently, with your husband saying that "he doesn't really mind how often" you have sex, he feels the same way about you. This is based on the fact that there is a new relationship brain drug that interacts with you in a way similar to cocaine. This brain drug is strongest early in every romantic relationship and fades until it is gone in about 6 years. Your affair partner has this brain drug flowing for you again, and you are addicted to it. Serial cheaters go from one affair to another seeking this high out.

 

There are good and bad when you are in a monogamous relationship, where you are trading some level of excitement for security. Similarly, there are good and bad when you are in an open relationship, where you trade security for the excitement of new. When you cheat, you are seeking both the security of having a monogamous loyal spouse, and the excitement of being in an open marriage. This comes at the expense of your spouse getting neither the security of a monogamous spouse or the excitement of an open relationship. This only works by the cheater being committed to lying to their spouse to maintain this unfair imbalance. Even worse, since the cheater now has exciting sex with this new person, they value sex with their spouse even less than they normally would, with the cheated on spouse getting less sexually than they would with a loyal spouse.

[QuietDan]

You are only 27? You talk about being an old fat married couple. But, when quizzed about this as it relates to the affair and the other man, your answer seems to indicate you are not fat...

What you say about your husband, is a bit all over the place.

One thing that come across is that you seem to have very little real passion for your husband. You say you feel bad that your husband is faced with dealing with the consequences of your affair, but, they come across as fairly flat, with out much real heart behind them. I have read, a lot of posts by waywards, you sort of come across, pretty much like, feeling bad, but not really feeling bad.

I could go in much more detail... or... pick through your posts at some of the troubling aspects that I noticed about this.... Don't think I really need to though... you are somewhat transparent about your lack of energy, desire, passion when it comes to your comments about your husbands.

I think the early question regarding is you are from India, is from the somewhat similar sounding vibe some of the arranged marriage spouses seem to project about they're feelings about their spouses.

Keeping a loving passionate marriage together and the passion alive and active, requires being intentional about it.

Sort of like, keeping a garden. Just because you dig up the dirt and plant some seeds, doesn't mean the garden is going to flourish. If it does for a little while, you need to maintain it and keep the weeds out and the plants watered and fertilized if you want to keep it going and producing well.

I get the sense...I think the word that comes to mind here is,

Apathy....

That is not something that is good for a relationship. It isn't good in the short term or long term relationships. In long term relationship, apathy is usually very deadly for a relationship.

I suppose, I might ask you, do you remember when you felt love and desire and passion for your marriage and your husband?

You are still so very young.

Yah, you are older than 17 now, but, you are a lot younger than 57. The picture you keep trying to paint with your words is that you are some sort of couple in your 50's or 60's.

You really do a lot of mental editing.... I suspect you may have a tendency to ignore, discount, forget, or fail to mention in these post of yours, some of your husbands interests and efforts to flirt with you or try to keep the intimacy in your marriage alive.

I number of the other posts have inquired or mentioned that this really sounds like an exit affair.

You mentioned that you are planning on sort of making and effort to try to evaluate if there is anything between the two of you that is left to save.

It really comes across as sort of going down a check off list of things a person should do if they were a nice person in this situation. However, it doesn't really sound like you have any real motivation or desire to try to really make this work out or succeed....

What do you really want?

What are you trying to save?

Is this a marriage or relationship that you really want to save?

Do you have children with your husband?

I don't think you mentioned if you two had children.

[FoundMyStrength]

I'm speaking from the other side of this as the fOW to a MM. Like you, we had a brief, several months long intense affair, mostly emotional. He lived many thousands of miles away and returned home to his wife at the end of our work assignment. We tried to keep it going via text, then secret email. We believed we'd fallen so deeply in love. The whole fated to meet, him feeling like he had met the second deep love of his life. Me talking about meeting my missing puzzle piece. Difficult to part, tears, angst, finding ways to keep it going. Still, I couldn't stand the realness (and more apparent and obvious wrongness) of the affair once he returned home, so ended it very quickly thereafter. No DDay.

 

Trust me, having gone through this, you are still in the infatuation stage. I haven't spoke with my xMM in 10 months and right now, I wonder if that thing I felt back then was even love at all. Did I really know this man? I never saw him in his home life, with his friends, with his family. Never saw how he argues or how he gets on a bad day when he's grumpy. I never got to know his quirks and pet peeves and frustrations. I never had to make a difficult relationship decision with him.

 

The fact is, a month or two or three is enough to know you like someone and are romantically in love. But a relationship? Partnership? Marriage? Who knows. At this point in time, I wish him all the happiness in the world -- with his wife. I feel like I dodged a MM bullet, however.

[ahmed8xm]

Read some stories of other cheating wives

 

Your are in affair fog you know why because

 

Your lover is not your husband

 

If you leave your husband and be with this other man your will feel the same about your lover just what you are feeling for your husband

 

Your life will be the same when your will be your husband or maybe worse

 

I feel cheaters need a big slap to get rid of affair fog

 

Here's the one

 

Cheaters cheat not because they are not getting enough

 

Cheaters cheat because they are are not giving enough

 

There are alot of women who stay faithful in difficult situations becausr they know these situations are temporary

 

You can never find a man with whom you can share your life with this happy mindset

 

We can never be happy in our lives

 

Their is a void in life that can never be fulfilled(believe it or not)

 

I think you should confess about your still in contact truth

[Oberfeldwebel]

If he tries to initiate sex and you usually turn him down, after awhile you quit asking. No one wants pity sex, you are only doing it cause you think you have to occasionally. You know your insecurities has more to do with you then him. He probably thought that he was being understanding of you not wanting to have sex. The communication in this relationship is broke and needs fixing by both of you. He is not psychic, you need to tell him what you want, think, etc.

 

Self esteem has nothing to do with a woman's weight or size anymore than it does a man. I have seen many men that are nothing special looks wise that date lots of nice looking women and all the men are shaking there heads trying to figure out why. I has more to do with confidence, the same is true with you. When you thought low of yourself there were many that found you attractive. You should dress nice because it makes you feel good about you.

 

Naturally, none of this is important what any of these men think or feel. You promised to love, honor, cherish and forsake ALL OTHERS for your husband. The decision to stay in the marriage is between you two, but always end one relationship before you start another.

Edited June 11, 2017 by Oberfeldwebel

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I guess it's a GIGS and "Having your cake and eating it too" situation. Poor husband. He does'nt know he is in an open marriage. Happy times.