Affair dilemma

[wmacbride]

But it really does mean that. Bc at that time that they do allow it to actually happen, they don't. They may eventually come back to reality and realize that they were merely convincing themselves otherwise to justify their affair.

 

Or they may tell themselves the entire time that what H won't know won't hurt him, that they'll still be a good W to him even though they're in an A. And if that's the case, then they obviously have no clue what love is.

 

Either way, while the A is actually happening, they don't love their spouses, regardless of what they think. And they certainly don't love their spouses:

 

A - as much as their spouse loves them, or

 

B - as much as their spouse thought they loved them

 

And for reason B above, I will most always advocate D, bc I don't think most WWs can handle their H never looking at them the same way again, and bc the BHs deserve to have a W that they can look at that way. People may say they've healed, they're fine, better than ever, and whether the BS ever says it out loud or not, for the rest of his life, and this can happen anywhere, anytime --- kids' sporting events, family vacation, at the supermarket, on the couch while watching tv -- the BH will have that moment where he remembers what the WW did, and a wave of sadness overtakes him, as he again is hit with reality that he will always be the one that loved more that his WW did, that she didn't love him enough to stay faithful. And he'll wonder if he chose correctly in staying.

 

No one should live with that.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but that can happen whether there has been a divorce or a couple stays together.

 

 

OP,

If you are planning to stay with you husband, you will need to develop an understanding of the depth of the pain you have caused him. I don;t know if you can. I'm not saying that to be mean, but because many ws don't get it. Some do, but most pay lip service to it.

 

The decision of whether to stay or go may not even be in your hands. Your bs may decide he no longer wants to keep trying. Are you prepared for that?

 

 

In the end, the continuation of your marriage may well be out of your hands. That's the reality. To give you the best shot at successfully reconciling with him, I would play close attention to posts from men who have been in your husband's shoes. While each situation is different, they might be able to provide some insight into what your husband is going through, and can offer helpful advice.

 

Keep you head down, eyes up and be prepared to fight for your marriage. Show your husband by your actions ( not just words) that he really does matter. You've got an uphill climb, but it can work if you both want it to.

[GoldenR]

Did I miss something? Did she confess?

[somanymistakes]

 

Love is a VERB, not a noun. If my partner is having sex with another man, then she doesn't love me.

 

SEX is not LOVE. Many people have sex with people without loving them, or love people without having sex with them.

 

If your partner is having sex with another man without your consent, she is at the very least behaving in a thoughtless manner towards you. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you at all. Many people do thoughtless and unloving things at some point in their lives, sometimes that hurt their loved ones deeply. It doesn't mean there is no love at all.

 

However, it may be very true that if your partner is cheating on you she doesn't love you enough for your needs, and you're certainly within your rights to say that the relationship is over at that point.

 

 

 

 

To answer the other person who asked why the immediate rush to "YOU SHOULD DIVORCE RIGHT NOW" is dangerous? Well, people in affairs are already not thinking clearly and making stupid decisions without understanding the long-term consequences to themselves or to others. Because they're vulnerable and have poor judgment, they might be easily pushed to do exactly that... But if a wayward spouse moves out of the house instantly, files divorce papers, and shows up at the doorstep of their affair partner, do you think that's actually going to lead to a helpful outcome for anyone involved? Anyone at all?

 

It feels like people sometimes yell "GET A DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY!" in the hopes of either shocking and upsetting the WS, or in the hopes that they'll actually do it and have things go horribly wrong. Which makes it feel like encouraging a vulnerable person to hurt themselves.

 

On the other hand I agree that the BS has a right to know what is going on, so people who yell CONFESS IMMEDIATELY, I'm okay with.

[harrybrown]

You did this because you are selfish.

 

You do this knowing how much it hurts another person.

 

So tell your H.

 

 

And then let him file for D. He will heal faster if he is not reminded of your horrible actions all the time, every time he sees you.

 

It will help him to be away from you and find someone new. You found someone new, not let him, but do let him know you were selfish again.

 

Hope you get some counseling, you do not sound like marriage material.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There are many betrayed spouses who after finding out...find a lawyer...file divorce papers and are done.

 

Sometimes...the infidelity is just too much...it is just way over their line and there is just nothing left to reconcile. Even in this case...often the betrayed spouse still loves the wayward...but they know they are just not capable nor do they want to "get over it".

 

So if a betrayed immediately makes the decision to file...they are doing what is best for them...and why shouldn't they? It is the risk you take when you decide to have an affair.

 

I am sure there are also waywards...who do not want to reconcile. When their affair has been discovered...they file for divorce.

 

There are couples who try reconciliation first...and after a period of time realize...the best thing is to divorce.

 

There are couples that live together..but never really reconcile the relationship.

 

and there are couples who successfully reconcile...and that can mean different things to different couples. It may take many years to acheive remorse and forgiveness...but they finally get there.

 

It is difficult on a forum becasue we only get one perspective of a realtionship...and sometimes we interpret what the op says one way...and they reallly mean it another way.

 

I am for reconciliation....but i also know first how how hard it is and what it takes to acheive it. If i read a story...and i dont see certain wording or feelings expressed or attitude....I am going to tell the person what i see.

 

The main thing i see here is that many folks want to WILL their betrayed to reconcile....and quite frankly...you cant. If both people are not in 100% it will likely fail.

 

I do think it is possible to love your betrayed and still make the choice to cheat. You dont love them like you should. I truly never stopped loving john, There are those who will argue with me...but i was there.I know what i was feeling.

 

one of the things john says to me often when we discuss infidelity. I know you loved me...but you did not love me as much as i thought you did.

[Vincentstreet]

@Mrs John Adams ...

 

One could argue that what you felt was in fact NOT love.

Love, as it was once put to me, is selfless. wanting to be with someone not because of how they make you fell but about making him/her feel special, wanted and needed.

Love as we know it (modern society) is all about us. I want to feel special... why am I with her? cos she makes ME feel good. I get it ... its difficult to have one side without the other...

 

So perhaps your "love" was not really love.. but rather obligation!

If love is respect... how would you argue that by cheating you had even some semblance of respect? If love is unselfish... what then? if love puts the others interest above yours.. what then? get my point? We all look at life through the window of how it will best suit us.. I get that to, but pls don' hide behind a contradiction.. the moment when a women chooses to let some guy touch her that way.... does she still love? is she even thinking about poor old hubby then? (by the way same goes for a man cheater) I think not... so my humble opinion.. its impossible to truly love while you cheat... even if you would like believe otherwise. harsh.. yes... but it is what it is!

 

P.S. I am glad you found R with your husband. You are a lucky lady indeed!

Edited May 31, 2017 by Vincentstreet

[purplesorrow]

SEX is not LOVE. Many people have sex with people without loving them, or love people without having sex with them.

 

If your partner is having sex with another man without your consent, she is at the very least behaving in a thoughtless manner towards you. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you at all. Many people do thoughtless and unloving things at some point in their lives, sometimes that hurt their loved ones deeply. It doesn't mean there is no love at all.

 

However, it may be very true that if your partner is cheating on you she doesn't love you enough for your needs, and you're certainly within your rights to say that the relationship is over at that point.

 

 

 

 

To answer the other person who asked why the immediate rush to "YOU SHOULD DIVORCE RIGHT NOW" is dangerous? Well, people in affairs are already not thinking clearly and making stupid decisions without understanding the long-term consequences to themselves or to others. Because they're vulnerable and have poor judgment, they might be easily pushed to do exactly that... But if a wayward spouse moves out of the house instantly, files divorce papers, and shows up at the doorstep of their affair partner, do you think that's actually going to lead to a helpful outcome for anyone involved? Anyone at all?

 

It feels like people sometimes yell "GET A DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY!" in the hopes of either shocking and upsetting the WS, or in the hopes that they'll actually do it and have things go horribly wrong. Which makes it feel like encouraging a vulnerable person to hurt themselves.

 

On the other hand I agree that the BS has a right to know what is going on, so people who yell CONFESS IMMEDIATELY, I'm okay with.

 

For me, no he didn't love me if he was cheating. I truly believe that and divorced because of it. For two years, he lied and deceived. So for over 700+ days he was vulnerable to dumb decisions? Yet he was fully capable of lying and hiding and meeting the ow for sex? It doesn't add up.

[somanymistakes]

Yeah, a long-term intentional deception is probably different. Of course, he probably wasn't confused and posting for help, either.

[Mrs. John Adams]

@Mrs John Adams ...

 

One could argue that what you felt was in fact NOT love.

Love, as it was once put to me, is selfless. wanting to be with someone not because of how they make you fell but about making him/her feel special, wanted and needed.

Love as we know it (modern society) is all about us. I want to feel special... why am I with her? cos she makes ME feel good. I get it ... its difficult to have one side without the other...

 

So perhaps your "love" was not really love.. but rather obligation!

If love is respect... how would you argue that by cheating you had even some semblance of respect? If love is unselfish... what then? if love puts the others interest above yours.. what then? get my point? We all look at life through the window of how it will best suit us.. I get that to, but pls don' hide behind a contradiction.. the moment when a women chooses to let some guy touch her that way.... does she still love? is she even thinking about poor old hubby then? (by the way same goes for a man cheater) I think not... so my humble opinion.. its impossible to truly love while you cheat... even if you would like believe otherwise. harsh.. yes... but it is what it is!

 

P.S. I am glad you found R with your husband. You are a lucky lady indeed!

 

yes i am very lucky....and so is he...because i have been a very good wife.

 

my love was not obligation....but thank you for sharing that possibility. I am not hiding behind anything....but then you have no idea who i am or what i have done.

 

You see...if i beleive I was in love...then i was. If he believes I loved him...i did. We are 33 years in reconciliation and married 45 years. We dont need fixing. We are doing quite well.

 

Reconciliaiton is not one size fits all.

 

We can participate on forums....we can read books....we can go to therapy.

All of those things provides for us a guideline in how to acheive healing from infidelity. But rarely if ever...does every affair and every reconciliation follow the text book. For one thing...we are all different...and for another we all make mistakes in how we approach it. Sometimes it is hit and miss. What might work for me may not work for you.

 

John and i made a lot of mistakes in our journey these last 33 years. But we have made the journey together and grown together in our understanding of each other....

 

We come to loveshack to try to help others....our advice which may or may not be applicable to others is free. It is up to them to listen or ignore it. We hope that by sharing the things we did wrong...they can do things better.

 

We do not preach reconciliation for every story. Sometimes divorce is indeed the right answer.

 

The wonderful thing about the adams is that both of us are here together...so you get both opinions.

 

The other helpful thing is that we both have been betrayed and we both have been wayward...so we have a perspective of what it feels like from both sides of the equation.

 

Since you are new here you may not have known this about us....and i wanted to clarify.

 

Now back to the op....

[Imajerk17]

SEX is not LOVE. Many people have sex with people without loving them, or love people without having sex with them.

 

If your partner is having sex with another man without your consent, she is at the very least behaving in a thoughtless manner towards you. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you at all. Many people do thoughtless and unloving things at some point in their lives, sometimes that hurt their loved ones deeply. It doesn't mean there is no love at all.

 

However, it may be very true that if your partner is cheating on you she doesn't love you enough for your needs, and you're certainly within your rights to say that the relationship is over at that point.

 

I don't think you are understanding. Our wife "behaving thoughtlessly" is forgetting to call to tell us she will be late or forgetting to pick up the milk or fill up the car with gas when it is near E, something like that. Our wife having sex with another man is not just "behaving thoughtlessly", she is instead actually BETRAYING us, whether she loves the other man or not. If nothing else, even if she doesn't love the other guy, she is putting her carnal needs over our masculinity itself. It's an extremely serious breach on her part--betrayal, which means that she doesn't love us. Sexual infidelity might not seem like mortal betrayal to you, but it does to most men.

 

I do agree with you on the "confess immediately" though.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Imajerk17

[somanymistakes]

I don't think you are understanding. Our wife "behaving thoughtlessly" is forgetting to call to tell us she will be late or forgetting to pick up the milk or fill up the car with gas when it is near E, something like that. Our wife having sex with another man is not just "behaving thoughtlessly", she is instead actually BETRAYING us, whether she loves the other man or not. If nothing else, even if she doesn't love the other guy, she is putting her carnal needs over our masculinity itself. It's an extremely serious breach on her part--betrayal, which means that she doesn't love us. Sexual infidelity might not seem like mortal betrayal to you, but it does to most men.

 

I understand that you feel it's unforgivable, and you have the right to feel that way.

 

But just as the wayward wife can't control how the betrayed spouse feels, cannot force him to forgive and forget, can't tell him that he doesn't REALLY feel that much pain...

 

... in the same way, you can't control how the wayward feels. You can't just say "you don't love me" and make that the truth.

 

Many wayward spouses do love their partners, at least to some degree. An awful lot of them choose to stay with their betrayed spouses and try to make up for what they've done. Whether that's a good idea or not? Well, that's a different question entirely.

[Southern Sun]

Why is it dangerous?

 

It is dangerous because it is perpetuating black and white thinking. Black and white thinking is not based on logic. Telling a woman involved in an affair, or especially one trying to get out of an affair, that she simply must not love her husband enough because she had the affair in the first place, thus she must go and divorce him, is looking at things catastrophically. It may cause her to go and seek a divorce because of her wrong behavior, not because of how she actually feels, or will feel, in the longer term.

 

I don't often read the same advice to men - divorce your wife immediately! You can't love her! Unless he is determined to continue the affair.

 

To the men saying that betrayed men are just too hurt to stay married, then I understand; that is their prerogative. But I just can't in good conscience tell the OP to go divorce her husband. I think she should cut off the OM, confess to her H, and give her HUSBAND the choice. Who knows - maybe a marriage could be saved. I know not all of them can or should be, but she could at least give it a chance.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Southern Sun

[mightycpa]

I understand that you feel it's unforgivable, and you have the right to feel that way.

 

But just as the wayward wife can't control how the betrayed spouse feels, cannot force him to forgive and forget, can't tell him that he doesn't REALLY feel that much pain...

 

... in the same way, you can't control how the wayward feels. You can't just say "you don't love me" and make that the truth.

 

Many wayward spouses do love their partners, at least to some degree. An awful lot of them choose to stay with their betrayed spouses and try to make up for what they've done. Whether that's a good idea or not? Well, that's a different question entirely.

I guess that depends on how you define love, right?

 

I think you can love someone, but not be IN LOVE with them, and at the same time, be IN LOVE with someone else that you don't really love.

 

I'll buy that interpretation.

[GoldenR]

It is dangerous because it is perpetuating black and white thinking. Black and white thinking is not based on logic. Telling a woman involved in an affair, or especially one trying to get out of an affair, that she simply must not love her husband enough because she had the affair in the first place, thus she must go and divorce him, is looking at things catastrophically. It may cause her to go and seek a divorce because of her wrong behavior, not because of how she actually feels, or will feel, in the longer term.

 

I don't often read the same advice to men - divorce your wife immediately! You can't love her! Unless he is determined to continue the affair.

 

To the men saying that betrayed men are just too hurt to stay married, then I understand; that is their prerogative. But I just can't in good conscience tell the OP to go divorce her husband. I think she should cut off the OM, confess to her H, and give her HUSBAND the choice. Who knows - maybe a marriage could be saved. I know not all of them can or should be, but she could at least give it a chance.

 

The OP in this case has said she wants to stay with her H bc he's safe. He's her security blanket. If it's not bc she's in love with him, how is that fair to him? And if she stays bc he's safe, isn't that just asking for it to happen again?

[Unforseen]

The OP in this case has said she wants to stay with her H bc he's safe. He's her security blanket. If it's not bc she's in love with him, how is that fair to him? And if she stays bc he's safe, isn't that just asking for it to happen again?

 

That sense of safety and security can be a good foundation to build love on. In many ways it's a better place to start than the rosy sex charged infatuation that many relationship start and falter on. But that is on the OP to be able to admit to along with what she has been doing behind his back. Then the BH can make an informed decision on if he thinks that is something they can overcome in addition to the infedelity. That is the only way it would be fair to him.

 

If he is willing to accept that risk then yes he is accepting the risk that it will happen again. There's no way for us to know if his desire to be married to the OP is worth the risk he faces in trying to continue or even grow the relationship through R.

[QuietDan]

Hormones. Sex once a month??? Let me guess. About the time you would normally be ovulating. Then the hormone kick in and you find your desire to have sex. Your husband gave up trying for sex long ago any other time of the month. Usually few years after the wife weaponises physical intimacy as a way to control and manipulate. Unfortunately, your oxytocin intimacy went away after your sex life fell below the once a week sexual orgasm encounters. The roomate, brother sister relationship usually gets started then. The whole romantic love, the hot and bothered obsessive need and want for love from a man seems to be linked to having orgasmic sex with a partner with a general frequency around a one week as a minimum interval. When that goes away... Affairs seem to follow. Oddly enough, after reading countless number of it started out as "only sex" with guys that women seem to not like or respect... they keep finding themselves impossible emotionally attached and addicted to being with a man that they are having oxytocin releasing orgasmic sex with. Usually surprised to discover that they loath and are disgusted by the romantic interest or touch of the husband they once enjoyed having infrequent sex with just a few weeks earlier. Invariably describing the husbands as good, nice, men, that did nothing wrong. A man they claim to love and respect. Just no longer in a romatic way. Does oxytocin sex equal romantic love? Something to think about. If you start to intentionally having frequent sex that leads to orgasms with your husband, will the romantic love return?

[Mr Blunt]

I feel that my husband is the right choice for me. Safe and secure and someone I know well.

 

But then this other guy is in my heart and in my thoughts and I am worried that I'll miss him a lot if I throw him out of my life...

 

My husband hasn't done anything wrong. I guess we were busy and stressed for the past year due financial stuff, didn't really pay a lot of attention to each other

I don't know if I love him as a partner/husband but I want to give our marriage a chance.

You say that the OM is in your heart and thoughts but your husband is safe and secure. Your husband did nothing wrong but you chose to betray him in a very short time with someone that you barely knew. Now that the OM is pulling away you want to give your marriage a chance but you do not know if you love your husband as a Partner/husband. You are going to plan B (husband) because your plan A (OM) is not that interested in you anymore. You even stated that you do not even know if you love your husband!

 

You proved at age 27 that your commitment, vows, and loyalty are very fickle and have not shown true remorse for your husband but you are looking for the best option for yourself. If you really want to have true remorse that includes deep empathy for your husband then listen to Mrs. JA....Also get all the help that you can besides this forum.

 

I am a man that has been cheated on and I would not R with you if you were my wife and you held to your current attitude and actions. I am not saying that you are not capable of R it is just that in your current state you do not have what it takes to R. After I got stronger and took appropriate actions my cheating wife got a lot better attitude than you have and showed that with actions for a long time. We have over 20 years of R but I would never have R with my wife if my wife had your attitude.

 

Your husband is deeply hurt and willing to compromise right now IMO… He needs to get stronger and more informed so that he can make the best decision for himself. Are you going to let him come to this forum so that he can get some advice from experienced people?

[purplesorrow]

It is dangerous because it is perpetuating black and white thinking. Black and white thinking is not based on logic. Telling a woman involved in an affair, or especially one trying to get out of an affair, that she simply must not love her husband enough because she had the affair in the first place, thus she must go and divorce him, is looking at things catastrophically. It may cause her to go and seek a divorce because of her wrong behavior, not because of how she actually feels, or will feel, in the longer term.

 

I don't often read the same advice to men - divorce your wife immediately! You can't love her! Unless he is determined to continue the affair.

 

To the men saying that betrayed men are just too hurt to stay married, then I understand; that is their prerogative. But I just can't in good conscience tell the OP to go divorce her husband. I think she should cut off the OM, confess to her H, and give her HUSBAND the choice. Who knows - maybe a marriage could be saved. I know not all of them can or should be, but she could at least give it a chance.

 

You know, cheating on your partner is a black and white issue. It is just wrong period, what's not logical? I see this same advice given to men. If someone divorces because of an open forum where anyone can post, that is another issue all together. My ex told me he still loved me countless times. I didn't believe it and I still don't, at least not the way I define love.

Edited June 1, 2017 by purplesorrow

[GoldenR]

You know, cheating on your partner is a black and white issue. It is just wrong period, what's not logical? I see this same advice given to men. If someone divorces because of an open forum where anyone can post, that is another issue all together. My ex told me he still loved me countless times. I didn't believe it and I still don't, at least not the way I define love.

 

 

This ^^^^ All of this ^^^

 

And in this case, I don't think the OP has even said that she loves her H. What's left to discuss?

[squirrel99]

Hormones. Sex once a month??? Let me guess. About the time you would normally be ovulating. Then the hormone kick in and you find your desire to have sex. Your husband gave up trying for sex long ago any other time of the month. Usually few years after the wife weaponises physical intimacy as a way to control and manipulate. Unfortunately, your oxytocin intimacy went away after your sex life fell below the once a week sexual orgasm encounters. The roomate, brother sister relationship usually gets started then. The whole romantic love, the hot and bothered obsessive need and want for love from a man seems to be linked to having orgasmic sex with a partner with a general frequency around a one week as a minimum interval. When that goes away... Affairs seem to follow. Oddly enough, after reading countless number of it started out as "only sex" with guys that women seem to not like or respect... they keep finding themselves impossible emotionally attached and addicted to being with a man that they are having oxytocin releasing orgasmic sex with. Usually surprised to discover that they loath and are disgusted by the romantic interest or touch of the husband they once enjoyed having infrequent sex with just a few weeks earlier. Invariably describing the husbands as good, nice, men, that did nothing wrong. A man they claim to love and respect. Just no longer in a romatic way. Does oxytocin sex equal romantic love? Something to think about. If you start to intentionally having frequent sex that leads to orgasms with your husband, will the romantic love return?

 

Interesting comment.

 

To be fair I don't know why the sex stop. I didn't stop it on purpose, just didn't feel comfortable with him touching me anymore and he didn't really ask why. I didn't feel attractive anymore, I felt old and fat and that there is no point to try to look good anymore. I started turning down my husband and he stopped trying to have sex with me.

 

I can see now that we should have addressed this way back, but we never did.

 

I am not saying that this was the reason for my A, it definitely wasn't. I actually fell for this guy emotionally, but I think that it was easy to fall for someone who made me feel desirable and beautiful as I was craving this kind of attention for a long time.

[Southern Sun]

The OP in this case has said she wants to stay with her H bc he's safe. He's her security blanket. If it's not bc she's in love with him, how is that fair to him? And if she stays bc he's safe, isn't that just asking for it to happen again?

 

Sorry, but this is a pretty normal thought process for a WW coming out of an affair. If the betrayed husband is not willing to work through it, I get it. They need to move on immediately because the hit to the ego is just too much. Meanwhile, the WW goes through her own process of realizations over a period of time, the gravity of it sinks in, she experiences true remorse, and at the 4 or 6 or 9 month mark, she wants nothing more than to be with her husband. He is not "safe" or a "security blanket." He is not a back-up option. But his ego was too bruised to work it through. So the marriage is done and that's that.

 

I get it. It's a potential consequence of an affair. My point is, just because the woman has an affair and has the feelings at the time of the affair (which are GOING TO BE THERE if she had an affair for any length of time), does not mean those feelings are founded in reality. They are going to go poof given time.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Interesting comment.

 

To be fair I don't know why the sex stop. I didn't stop it on purpose, just didn't feel comfortable with him touching me anymore and he didn't really ask why. I didn't feel attractive anymore, I felt old and fat and that there is no point to try to look good anymore. I started turning down my husband and he stopped trying to have sex with me.

 

I can see now that we should have addressed this way back, but we never did.

 

I am not saying that this was the reason for my A, it definitely wasn't. I actually fell for this guy emotionally, but I think that it was easy to fall for someone who made me feel desirable and beautiful as I was craving this kind of attention for a long time.

 

What do you intend to do at this point? You know you cannot have both men.... and it isn't fair to your husband for you to pretend everything is ok on the home front while you love someone else.

 

Sure that can change... and maybe you are coming to your senses... maybe you now need to feel safe instead of being the center of attention. So will you tell your husband what you have done and let him decide what is best for him?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Interesting comment.

 

To be fair I don't know why the sex stop. I didn't stop it on purpose, just didn't feel comfortable with him touching me anymore and he didn't really ask why. I didn't feel attractive anymore, I felt old and fat and that there is no point to try to look good anymore. I started turning down my husband and he stopped trying to have sex with me.

 

I can see now that we should have addressed this way back, but we never did.

 

I am not saying that this was the reason for my A, it definitely wasn't. I actually fell for this guy emotionally, but I think that it was easy to fall for someone who made me feel desirable and beautiful as I was craving this kind of attention for a long time.

 

 

So.... your husband initiated sex, you would reject him over and over... to the point where he stopped initiating (being rejected over and over destroys self worth)...but your perception is that you were the one craving attention/desirability...and that is why you had an affair. This is a classic case of rewriting maritial history.

 

It was you....yes you....who was day by day, slight by slight, rejection by rejection making your HUSBAND vulnerable to an affair.

 

How much does your husband know of this affair? Does he know it was physical? That it is currently still active?

 

As far as love....how can anyone say you treat those we love like this. Does love deny intimacy? Does love reject? Does love give to others what our "loved one" wants? Does love continue to hurt, humiliate, disrespect?

 

Some might say your husbands "ego was bruised" and he might not get over it. Some might say...when someone has such little regard for your self worth...you should not tie your sense of self to someone so uncaring.

 

I can not express how terribly sad I am for your husband...emasculation is such a huge blow to a mans sense of self. An issue....that you created....that you have yet to even ponder.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sorry, but this is a pretty normal thought process for a WW coming out of an affair. If the betrayed husband is not willing to work through it, I get it. They need to move on immediately because the hit to the ego is just too much. Meanwhile, the WW goes through her own process of realizations over a period of time, the gravity of it sinks in, she experiences true remorse, and at the 4 or 6 or 9 month mark, she wants nothing more than to be with her husband. He is not "safe" or a "security blanket." He is not a back-up option. But his ego was too bruised to work it through. So the marriage is done and that's that.

 

I get it. It's a potential consequence of an affair. My point is, just because the woman has an affair and has the feelings at the time of the affair (which are GOING TO BE THERE if she had an affair for any length of time), does not mean those feelings are founded in reality. They are going to go poof given time.

 

The reality of sexually rejecting your spouse and having a sexual affair is that a WS does not have 4,6 or 9 months to figure out the gravity of the situation she created.

 

They need to figure out their position pronto and start the intense self/relationship work with gusto.

 

A "bruised ego" might make a BS walk away....it is self preservation that makes a BS run. And a WS that is unsure of themselves is a sure fire way to make a BS realize that it is a "everyone for themselves" relationship.

[QuietDan]

Interesting comment.

 

To be fair I don't know why the sex stop. I didn't stop it on purpose, just didn't feel comfortable with him touching me anymore and he didn't really ask why. I didn't feel attractive anymore, I felt old and fat and that there is no point to try to look good anymore. I started turning down my husband and he stopped trying to have sex with me.

 

I can see now that we should have addressed this way back, but we never did.

 

I am not saying that this was the reason for my A, it definitely wasn't. I actually fell for this guy emotionally, but I think that it was easy to fall for someone who made me feel desirable and beautiful as I was craving this kind of attention for a long time.

 

Did your husband say or do cruel things to you to try to convey a message to you that he thought or felt that you were not attractive to him? Or, did he learn to live with your rejection and respected your decisions and found alternative interests and ways to deal with the rejection?

There is a chance that his true desire for being intimate with you never really changed. He just learned to live with keeping his hurt and frustration to himself.