Finding inner peace and self appreciation

[Blackened Heart]

This is something I hear a lot but has always been something, I guess impossible? The last two years of my life have been a real roller coaster, of going from one relationship to the next, almost like latching onto them without even realizing it.

 

What I have learned (and been told countless times by my close friend ha!) is I get too focused on depending on others for happiness and self worth. And it actually isn't just with relationship either. It's in work, classes I take, just in everything. Whenever I get told I do a good job at something, or given a positive comment or compliment about how I am, I get that good feeling inside of me. But than it just leads to me thinking I have to keep doing more and more to just get that appreciation, to somehow "prove" my worth to others. And it's not a healthy thing, I realize it but I am stuck in it, as its been my world for most of my life.

 

One of the things my friend preaches a lot to me is finding my inner peace, and self love for myself, not from others. Tells me to meditate and just see the good in me. While yes it all sounds good in theory, I'm a complete idiot when it comes to that . So I'm looking for any kind of sage advice on how to find this "inner peace" and be genuinely happy with myself, because it sucks being a sad mess

[sam light]

In my case, with maturity I became less dependent on the approval of others. I'm not saying you're immature, I'm saying I was.

 

 

I think life comes with periods of contentment, pain, blah, and ok. It never stays the same.

 

 

Some people enjoy bouts of solitude, others hate it. Perhaps you're a people person who needs to be with others

[Ieris]

I guess when we were young we usually seek approval from our parents, our teachers and friends so never really learnt to do that for ourselves. You end up doing what other people want, not what you want because you're too busy seeking validation from others.

 

I think it'll be a good idea to take some time out, often some people are too busy focusing on relationships with other people that they stop developing the relationship they have with themselves. There is a book called I Heart Me : The Science of Self-Love by David Hamilton, which I have bought for a few friends who had low confidence/self esteem.

[SpiralOut]

I used to seek validation from others all the time. I still do to a certain extent, but I don't feel nearly as needy as I used to.

 

I find it helpful to do things for the pure enjoyment of doing them. When I felt truly awful, gardening made me feel so happy that I didn't care what anyone else thought. Find something you enjoy and do it for YOU, not for the sake of impressing anyone else. I also found yoga really helpful, as it encourages self-acceptance and self-love.

 

Mind you, I also went through a fair amount of counseling, as my low self-esteem had/has deep roots.

[Justanaverageguy]

I don't think you should feel bad about appreciating positive feedback and compliments from others. That's normal and healthy - so long as its balanced by healthy love for yourself and self worth. That way your not chasing them .... they just come naturally to you

 

I had always been a very confident person but after the break down of my marriage I went through some really difficult times and for a period my self worth took a hit. I went on a bit of a journey of self discovery and have come out the other side much stronger and with a much more balanced and honest love for myself. Also with a real conscious understanding of my own self talk and a toolkit of things to make sure I'm operating at a high level with positive energy. To be honest self love comes from appreciating yourself and you appreciate yourself when you feel good, when you are achieving things you want to. You need to get your mindset in the right place so that you individually can actively go out and be confident you can live the life you want to live .... and the lack of self love and "neediness" just magically dissapears

 

So getting your energy and your mindset right are critical. I tried a whole bunch of different things - and to be honest I think you should do the same. Different things work differently for different people so always follow your own intuitions and passions with the below recommendations.

 

1. First thing on the list is physical activity. I count this as the place you must start to help reduce negative energy and bring positive energy into your body. You need to move - run - play sport - hike - climb. Something to get the blood pumping. And yes I know this is obvious - but that doesn't mean people do it and when you are down and feeling flat your motivation goes out the window. Make yourself exercise!!! - get a PT if you must to make sure you do it. Start with this - it makes everything else easier.

 

2. That leads me to number 2 - Motivation. When your self worth is down you need a kick in the bumb to get going and to help alter your mindset. We can't all afford our own personal cheer leader but thankfully this is where youtube comes in. There is a plethora of uplifting positive motivating video montages to get you switched into the "I can do it" mindset. Speakers I love are Les Brown and Eric Thomas because there is so much passion and energy in their speeches you can't help but be infected with it. Here are some to get you started. Listen to them Every morning and when ever you need a boost. Emerse yourself in positive books, audio and video. Bombard yourself with it. When you wake up - when you go to bed. When you are on the train, when you are at the gym, when you are at lunch.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fviFNrWKzZ8&t=4s

 

3. Becoming conscious of your thoughts words and energy and learning to move it to a positive space. This is probably - no definitely - the MOST important one. The first 2 should be what you start with to get you some momentum before you get to this. What you say - to yourself and out loud creates your feelings and your reality. I'd recommend reading a book like law of attraction or similar books and also using positive affirmations like those from Louise Hay to begin with (again youtube videos available). These will teach you the basics of training your mind to start using positive words - which affect your feelings - which affects your behavior and health - which affects how you project yourself and interact with people.

 

For starters as a simple example - your name on this site and the image you have used Blackened Heart has a certain energy about it. It is the label you have put on yourself and your situation and it automatically projects and creates certain negative emotions in you and those you talk to on the site. Get rid of it. Change it to something positive. Resilient heart - Bent but not broken - something far more positive. And start the process of learning to do the same with EVERYTHING you say about yourself. You create your reality based on how you think about yourself and you should use the moto - fake it till you make it. Positive thought bring positive emotions.

 

4. Meditation\Yoga\Qi Gong\Tai Chi - Find one that works for you and work it into you ritual. They help to still the mind, balance you and your thoughts and put them into a positive place. It also makes it far easier to alter your thoughts as it helps to slow and calm them. If your not into meditation Yoga or another form of body work are great at doing this too.

 

For me these 4 things provided more benefit then anything else I have come across including therapy.

 

Good luck - your heart is still bright vibrant and open to love - I can tell by your post

Edited May 30, 2017 by Justanaverageguy

[Blackened Heart]

Thanks Justanaverageguy, this is exactly what I needed and really hit me directly in the head. For the past week I've been telling myself to just go running to prepare for a run in a few months, but kept dodging it due to feeling "down". After reading this post I made myself go run at the gym and it felt great having done it.

 

Listened to one of the youtube videos before going and definitely feel a bit better right now. As far as my user name, haha, I don't think I can change it, and I'm okay with that. Not sure what kind of profile pic to change to though.....

 

Thank you again

Edited May 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted quote of an entire previous post. ~JC

[penelopeanne]

i really needed to hear all of this as i have been struggling big time with self worth, motivation and trying to stop obsessive/negative thinking.

very helpful post! thank you.

[whichwayisup]

This is something I hear a lot but has always been something, I guess impossible? The last two years of my life have been a real roller coaster, of going from one relationship to the next, almost like latching onto them without even realizing it.

 

What I have learned (and been told countless times by my close friend ha!) is I get too focused on depending on others for happiness and self worth. And it actually isn't just with relationship either. It's in work, classes I take, just in everything. Whenever I get told I do a good job at something, or given a positive comment or compliment about how I am, I get that good feeling inside of me. But than it just leads to me thinking I have to keep doing more and more to just get that appreciation, to somehow "prove" my worth to others. And it's not a healthy thing, I realize it but I am stuck in it, as its been my world for most of my life.

 

One of the things my friend preaches a lot to me is finding my inner peace, and self love for myself, not from others. Tells me to meditate and just see the good in me. While yes it all sounds good in theory, I'm a complete idiot when it comes to that . So I'm looking for any kind of sage advice on how to find this "inner peace" and be genuinely happy with myself, because it sucks being a sad mess

 

Can you trace back to your childhood? Maybe a parent and not getting their approval or needing something from them that they couldn't provide?

 

My suggestion, do yoga. Really makes a difference in your mental health and brings a peace of mind. Being mindful and be aware of all the good in your life. Even make a daily list of all the people you appreciate in your life, things you have earned, things you've accomplished, your health etc.. A good meal. Make a BIG DEAL of the little things that bring you happiness.

 

Stay away from negative thoughts. Yes easier said than done but being negative IS a habit that can be changed. You can untrain your brain and you can learn how to throw in humour, being more positive (stopping negative thoughts as soon as you're aware of them and changing it to positive).

 

Write lists about what you love about yourself. Ask trusted friend and family to list the things they love and appreciate about you. It'll make you feel good to read that list! And build upon your confidence too.

 

Enjoy being alone. Take a hot bath with magnesium salts, put on music and dance. Pamper yourself!

[Blackened Heart]

Can you trace back to your childhood? Maybe a parent and not getting their approval or needing something from them that they couldn't provide?

 

Haha oh easily, from both parents in fact. My mother when I was young use to beat me a lot, and by the age of 10 exited out of my life. My father was a drunk for quite a long period, and I was left to essentially feed myself all through middle and high school.

 

Something that I've talked about to a therapist quite extensively. His opinion was that my psych is suffering from abandonment from my mother, and never really having a mother figure in my life, which is why I tend to flock to a woman with no regard of my own self worth. I go through hell essentially doing anything I can to please them.

 

My suggestion, do yoga. Really makes a difference in your mental health and brings a peace of mind. Being mindful and be aware of all the good in your life. Even make a daily list of all the people you appreciate in your life, things you have earned, things you've accomplished, your health etc.. A good meal. Make a BIG DEAL of the little things that bring you happiness.

 

Stay away from negative thoughts. Yes easier said than done but being negative IS a habit that can be changed. You can untrain your brain and you can learn how to throw in humour, being more positive (stopping negative thoughts as soon as you're aware of them and changing it to positive).

 

Write lists about what you love about yourself. Ask trusted friend and family to list the things they love and appreciate about you. It'll make you feel good to read that list! And build upon your confidence too.

 

Enjoy being alone. Take a hot bath with magnesium salts, put on music and dance. Pamper yourself!

 

The negative thoughts is definitely the killer, and I am so aware of it. I realize it as I am doing it but have such a hard time stopping it. I try to keep myself busy as much as I can just so that I don't seep back down into those bad thoughts.

 

I've been thinking more and more to take up yoga, but I have to give up something else I do to make room and time for it. That or win the lottery so that I can quit working

[Justanaverageguy]

Haha oh easily, from both parents in fact. My mother when I was young use to beat me a lot, and by the age of 10 exited out of my life. My father was a drunk for quite a long period, and I was left to essentially feed myself all through middle and high school.

 

Something that I've talked about to a therapist quite extensively. His opinion was that my psych is suffering from abandonment from my mother, and never really having a mother figure in my life, which is why I tend to flock to a woman with no regard of my own self worth. I go through hell essentially doing anything I can to please them.

 

So obviously you have very real and serious reasons for the current issues. Its understandable that your having to deal with rebuilding your self worth as a result. Its good that your able to acknowledge it and trace the foundation ..... but did the extensive talks about the cause with a therapist actually help ?

 

I ask because for most people it really doesn't - focusing on the cause (assuming it has been removed and is not a current abusive relationship) doesn't provide you with the solution. It can give you an understanding of why you feel and act the way you do - and also an initial release to let out the emotions associated with it and acknowledge them. But after that from my experience extensively focusing on the negative cause from the past and placing negative labels like abandonment disorder on to ones self does very little to resolve issues and in actual fact can make them worse. It creates a victim mentality which is something you want to avoid.

 

If I could provide a metaphor its like if someone burst a water main on the street and water started gushing out everywhere. Does running around trying to find out who burst the water main actually fix it ? Does extensively focusing on why the water main is broken and how terrible and stupid it was for someone to have done that fix it. No it doesn't - and while you run around trying to find the culprit or talk about how bad it was water keeps gushing out. Fix the water main

 

Sure you can blame your parents and point to them (it does sound like they were pretty ****ty and I'm sorry you had to go through that) but in reality laying the blame game doesn't give you back your self worth. One of the lines I really like from Les Brown is:

 

It doesn't matter what happened to you. What matters is - What are you going to do about it ?!?

 

The negative thoughts is definitely the killer, and I am so aware of it. I realize it as I am doing it but have such a hard time stopping it. I try to keep myself busy as much as I can just so that I don't seep back down into those bad thoughts.

 

^^^This is the problem^^^. Having acknowledged it and understood it you are half way to resolving it. Now its understandable where it came from based on your background. Your parents treated you poorly and likely repeatedly said negative things to you which you eventually took on internally and made a habit. Habits are hard to break. When you do something frequently enough your mind essentially hard wires it into your neurons as a "default" setting. You have to break that cycle and the way to do it is constant repetition of positive affirming words (Like your parents should have done) . This is why as I said above bombarding yourself with positive affirmations, motivational and self help audio, video and books are critical. You basically need to reprogram your subconscious. If you continuously do this by listening to audio as soon as you wake up, while your going to work, before you go to sleep mixing it with positive activities and exercise - you will find your about to interrupt the negative self took and the "default" setting gradually changes and a new habit of positive self talk takes over. And to be honest it really doesn't take that long .... if you do it consistently for a week you will notice a significant change. It will take a little longer to fully stick - but you will see pretty instant results if done consistently.

 

I've been thinking more and more to take up yoga, but I have to give up something else I do to make room and time for it. That or win the lottery so that I can quit working

 

No need to quit work or even go to the gym. Again Youtube to the rescue. Yoga with Adrienne is how I got into Yoga. https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene

 

Perfectly tailored for beginners and you can participate from the comfort of your own lounge room and requires as little as 15-20mins a day. Add it to your daily ritual

Edited June 1, 2017 by Justanaverageguy

[whichwayisup]

Haha oh easily, from both parents in fact. My mother when I was young use to beat me a lot, and by the age of 10 exited out of my life. My father was a drunk for quite a long period, and I was left to essentially feed myself all through middle and high school.

 

Something that I've talked about to a therapist quite extensively. His opinion was that my psych is suffering from abandonment from my mother, and never really having a mother figure in my life, which is why I tend to flock to a woman with no regard of my own self worth. I go through hell essentially doing anything I can to please them.

 

Have you done cognitive behavioural therapy? If not, look into it. google and read up on it as it's very helpful for those who have anxiety, depression and obsessive thoughts.

 

You know your issues so that's a big plus, now it's just about retraining and learning how to think and process things in a healthier way so you can make happier choices for yourself and learn to not need anybody's approval, especially chasing after women who aren't the right ones for you.

 

The negative thoughts is definitely the killer, and I am so aware of it. I realize it as I am doing it but have such a hard time stopping it. I try to keep myself busy as much as I can just so that I don't seep back down into those bad thoughts.

 

I've been thinking more and more to take up yoga, but I have to give up something else I do to make room and time for it. That or win the lottery so that I can quit working

 

You can do yoga at home at anytime! Though going to a class with a yoga instructor gives you more guidance and understanding. If you do it at home you can still feel relaxed and peaceful.

[Blackened Heart]

So obviously you have very real and serious reasons for the current issues. Its understandable that your having to deal with rebuilding your self worth as a result. Its good that your able to acknowledge it and trace the foundation ..... but did the extensive talks about the cause with a therapist actually help ?

 

I guess I should elaborate, by extensive talking, it took a long time for the therapist to come to that conclusion, as there was a lot of history to go through and what I was doing. However as you pointed out, realizing what was the issue didn't serve to help. He wasn't able to really provide guidance on how I could cope or change things, thus why I stopped seeing him, as I noticed it wasn't getting anywhere.

 

I ask because for most people it really doesn't - focusing on the cause (assuming it has been removed and is not a current abusive relationship) doesn't provide you with the solution. It can give you an understanding of why you feel and act the way you do - and also an initial release to let out the emotions associated with it and acknowledge them. But after that from my experience extensively focusing on the negative cause from the past and placing negative labels like abandonment disorder on to ones self does very little to resolve issues and in actual fact can make them worse. It creates a victim mentality which is something you want to avoid.

 

If I could provide a metaphor its like if someone burst a water main on the street and water started gushing out everywhere. Does running around trying to find out who burst the water main actually fix it ? Does extensively focusing on why the water main is broken and how terrible and stupid it was for someone to have done that fix it. No it doesn't - and while you run around trying to find the culprit or talk about how bad it was water keeps gushing out. Fix the water main

 

Sure you can blame your parents and point to them (it does sound like they were pretty ****ty and I'm sorry you had to go through that) but in reality laying the blame game doesn't give you back your self worth. One of the lines I really like from Les Brown is:

 

It doesn't matter what happened to you. What matters is - What are you going to do about it ?!?

 

I completely agree and I don't dwell on my childhood or ever think about it honestly. It's in the past and that doesn't fester into my head of how hard I had it. I just recognize that because of my upbringing, the byproduct result is how my mentality and conscious is, and what I want to break from and improve.

 

 

 

^^^This is the problem^^^. Having acknowledged it and understood it you are half way to resolving it. Now its understandable where it came from based on your background. Your parents treated you poorly and likely repeatedly said negative things to you which you eventually took on internally and made a habit. Habits are hard to break. When you do something frequently enough your mind essentially hard wires it into your neurons as a "default" setting. You have to break that cycle and the way to do it is constant repetition of positive affirming words (Like your parents should have done) . This is why as I said above bombarding yourself with positive affirmations, motivational and self help audio, video and books are critical. You basically need to reprogram your subconscious. If you continuously do this by listening to audio as soon as you wake up, while your going to work, before you go to sleep mixing it with positive activities and exercise - you will find your about to interrupt the negative self took and the "default" setting gradually changes and a new habit of positive self talk takes over. And to be honest it really doesn't take that long .... if you do it consistently for a week you will notice a significant change. It will take a little longer to fully stick - but you will see pretty instant results if done consistently.

 

Yes you are very likely right. I have listened to some of the videos but should definitely try to just flood myself with it, as much as possible. I mean even if it doesn't work, I'm no worse off than before. There was one saying that really hit home quite a bit, from Eric Thomas that went:

 

"Don’t cry to give up, cry to keep going. Don’t cry to quit. You’re already in pain, you’re already hurt. Get a reward from it."

[Justanaverageguy]

However as you pointed out, realizing what was the issue didn't serve to help. He wasn't able to really provide guidance on how I could cope or change things, thus why I stopped seeing him, as I noticed it wasn't getting anywhere.

 

Yeah unfortunately this is quite common. There are actually some really REALLY great practical solution orientated psychologists out there - if you know how to find them. Unfortunately many of the standard traditional cookie cutter psychologists (sit on the couch and tell me your problems) tend to spend more time trying to find causes and labels to apply to things then changing the mindset of their patients.

 

Yes you are very likely right. I have listened to some of the videos but should definitely try to just flood myself with it, as much as possible. I mean even if it doesn't work, I'm no worse off than before. There was one saying that really hit home quite a bit, from Eric Thomas that went:

 

"Don’t cry to give up, cry to keep going. Don’t cry to quit. You’re already in pain, you’re already hurt. Get a reward from it."

 

Great quote - and one of the most powerful things you often find is people that go through hard times like you did and push through it come out stronger then the rest of the people who didn't. Use it as leverage - rather then a weight that holds you down.

 

And seriously keep flooding yourself with it, every day! Keep exercising every day. I guarantee it will help. Make doing positive affirmations just a constant part of your routine. Just tell yourself how Fing awesome you are. At first doing self affirmations (I am happy, I am healthy, I am attractive etc etc) can feel kind of weird a little unnatural and forced. But as you start to make progress - as your mood improves ever so slightly day by day - as your exercise routine starts to become something you enjoy - they will suddenly start to ring true. When you feel better - you ARE better. You will start believing them. Then the magic happens - other people will suddenly start saying them to you. Wow! You look great have you been working out ? Why are you so full of energy etc ? You look really happy what is up with you ? etc etc. Believe me it will happen if you stick to this.

 

Last recommendation I will give you which is a little off beat and alternative. Something called Tension and Trauma Release Exercises or TRE. Something I learned through my experiences is that the body and nervous system holds onto tension, stress, trauma. Excercise and of course yoga and other type of body work is one great way to help release this tension from the muscles. But over long periods and particularly for people who have gone through significant negative physical and emotional experiences this can really build up and be quite difficult to remove. I came across a technique .... by a weird kind of coincidence and it worked wonders for me.

 

Its a bit weird but basically its a technique that produces and involuntary tremor in your body. Called a neurogenic tremor. Basically your body shakes without you consciously telling it to. Humans and other animals actually do this naturally when they go into "shock" after a trauma experience .... thats why people shake after say a car crash (you often see people put a blanket around them because they think they are cold). Its actually the body attempting to release the stress of the experience. This technique allows you to induce this state deliberately to achieve the same thing. Release stress and tension that has accumulated in your system over time.

 

Sounds weird and it is a bit - but for me it was like a miracle cure to release a lot of negative pent up stress\anger\negativity. It was like getting the best massage I have ever gotten in my entire life x 100. Seriously that good. There are practitioners who often double as practical psychiatrists or counselors located in most major cities around the globe and again youtube videos that explain it online. I recommend it to everyone - even people who don't think they have any issues because of how much it helped me. You can look up practitioners here who you can book sessions with to teach you -> Tension, Stress and Trauma Release : TRE® ? TRE® Provider List

 

And get some extra info online about the process here I warn you the shaking looks a little bizarre

 

Edited June 2, 2017 by Justanaverageguy