How I went from being the MM to the OM...

[Syre17]

I’ve been a lurker for a while now and find it therapeutic to read a lot of what’s on here and to share my own story of how I became the OM…

 

Five years ago this month, I was a MM and met a MW and we began having an affair. Things were immediately pretty amazing…the attraction, sex and chemistry was way beyond off the charts. This aside from many commonalities we shared in our respective lines of work, tastes…everything really.

Feelings began developing very quickly and I will never forget the evening she professed her love for me…I was elated and reciprocated those/my feelings that were very deep. We ultimately become so close, that my AP met my mother (had lunch with her one occasion) and my sister and her husband (my family knew the dynamics and whole story of us and are not judgemental people). She, my AP, also joined us on a brief vacation once.

 

We carried on for some time, about 15 months, until DDay when my spouse discovered text messages from my AP. Leading up to this, my affair partner and I had seriously discussed leaving our spouses for one another on numerous occasions. I knew I wanted out of my marriage (prior to engaging in the affair) and although my spouse was willing to try to work things out, I saw it as my out. Similarly, my AP had described in great detail how she actually knew the day she got married, some 17 years prior, that he wasn’t the right person. I should state at this point that I understood and knew the risk in that my AP might not leave, but based in part on her words, I thought for sure she would at some point.

 

The second bomb was that about two weeks after leaving my spouse when I lost my job. My AP did not work where I did so it wasn’t a work related romance, however, I was let go for being gone for extended periods of time (I’m an exempt employee) think long lunches which were to see my AP as she her work and home life (controlling, previously abusive husband) didn’t permit a lot of flexibility on her part, especially evenings, weekends, etc.

 

My divorce continued and was relatively fast, not ugly or overly stressful. I never once gave a thought to “going back” to my wife and was sticking to my guns to become divorced which I was always very clear about with AP. My affair continued throughout this period of time. My AP continued to say she was "working on getting out" of her marriage.

 

It took me the better part of a year to find a job as the economy was still in the doldrums a bit back then, but eventually, I did find work and thought I was finally beginning to dig out of a pretty big hole.

 

My AP and I had our ups and downs, but mostly minor downs with a lot of ups until one day about 2 ½ years ago. We had plans to meet for lunch and around that time, I had noticed she had been breaking plans more than usual, seemed a little more distant at times and wasn’t always as engaged as she had been. The excuses always seemed to be the same story, her H was working from home that day, and they were working on cleaning the garage (for the 3rd or 4th time).

I am pretty intuitive, possess pretty strong gut feelings, and am a “pattern” type thinker which is both a blessing and a curse. I had my suspicions that day that I was being lied too; I know, ironic when two people are in a relationship based on lies. I drove by her house to confirm my suspicions and discovered that he was indeed not home. I should add, I had been to their house on many occasions at her request while he was out of town on business, often staying multiple

nights with her which is how/why I knew where she lived. I texted he a benign message when I discovered this to the effect of “I’m bummed we didn’t get to have lunch today and see each other today…” No response for several hours and I am growing anxious… She finally responds and I confront her which turns into an argument, but we patch things up. I will add, I think that was somewhat of the beginning of the end for us, that day… In my mind, I had been single now for about a year and a half, and was growing quite suspect of whether or not she would actually leave. We would have discussions, and I would usually be told in exact words “I’m going to make all of this up to you very soon baby…I promise…” and “I know I can’t be without you…I need you in my life…”

 

A few more months passed with no progress on her end. Up to that point, I had been mostly patient and understanding. We get into an argument one evening (another I’ll never forget) and my frustration had been growing… I explain to her that I am going to begin dating single women since I am now a single man and since I see absolutely no progress or effort on her part to change her situation.

 

We begin a cycle of on again, off again but I follow through with my plans to see other women. Sometimes my AP knew about it and sometimes she didn’t. Another ironic thing is that following the day I caught her lying about where she was, supposedly at home with her H, I didn’t feel overly compelled to always share my doings. In a strange sense however, dating other women seemed to confirm my deep desire and feelings for my AP…it also seemed like no one I dated measured up to her. I also didn't want to blatantly rub every date I went on in her face. Looking back, I recognize that I probably wasn’t completely opening myself up to them emotionally, plus all the other mixed feelings that one carries when going through all of this.

 

I entered one relationship that lasted for months and there was a period of overlap between this woman and my AP but it was minimal. I think I always held out hope that someday, she’d change course or perhaps her desire for me would be so strong, she wouldn’t want me out there and available to others and take some steps or action. Part of it was also that I found myself incredibly lonely at night, on the weekends and craving attention. This was probably worse since my marriage was in large part devoid of attention and affection.

 

One evening, after we had reconnected, we had a pretty big argument and I think a lot of my bottled up hurt, heartache, anger, and resentment came out towards my on/off again AP and I did something that I am not proud of. My emotions got the better of me (which is rare since I am usually a very even-keeled guy) and I texted her H that I was the man who had been $%#!&$! his wife…not good. She and I knew previous to that, that he knew she was having an affair based on comments he would make to her. I regret doing it to this day but I was in a silent rage and obviously wanted to do damage. It’s crazy how pragmatism goes straight out the window sometimes and I was a person that I not normally am that evening.

 

We go NC for some time, but surprisingly reengage. A lot was discussed…as mad as she was at me, she loved me too much to ever let me go, etc.

We continue on again and about a year ago, I start seeing small steps. She tells her H that she wants a divorce. Now, this is where I have to weave in some of the context of her marriage, at least based on what she had shared with me. H, as mentioned above, used to physically abuse her (she never left when it happened years ago), was extremely controlling, emotionally abusive, and very narcissistic. She also told me that more than one person had told her about an affair he had had years prior that lasted for several years. I say this because based on what I thought I knew (what she was sharing), that this, asking him for a divorce, was tantamount to asking someone to rewrite and change the Constitution. His reply was supposedly “divorce is not an option…” We had some discussion about how it wasn’t necessarily his “choice” and that she could file on her own…but that never happened. There were always a list of excuses and reasons…her extreme feelings of guilt (she was raised in a very strict Catholic home) toward both him and their daughter who is now 13, trust of men for dating women…the list goes on and on…

 

Because of the small “steps” I thought I was seeing, I stop dating anyone else. We both comment to one another that we want a real chance together. Despite that discussion and by this point, me dating other women is being thrown in my face by her when we have a disagreement and I continue hearing about how “she’s just not sure that she can trust me…” based on my dating. I find this very confusing and always remind her in said discussions that I did put her on notice that I would be dating. It came to a head one time when she snooped in my phone and saw contacts of women who I had dated one time or another.

 

About January of this year, she says she needs to separate from him to gain clarity and get out from under his manipulation and for us to have a future together. I go with her to look at apartments, and she places a deposit on one on the spot. I am finally in a place where I think we are getting someplace as a couple. Two months drag on…nothing, she doesn’t move, doesn’t know when she is and I feel like we’ve regressed back two steps in light of one forward.

 

Things go south as a result and we have NC for a good month or two, about the end of February, and we run into each other (we were both alone) at a local restaurant which isn't uncommon since we live in a smaller city and tend to frequent the same establishments…here we go again…

 

She starts taking some action, literally moves things into the apartment and I spend the first few nights there with her.

I feel like this is it…its really happening and then things become strange again… I am however terribly concerned about the daughter and the extreme codependency that my AP (admittedly) has with her daughter and her inability to set boundaries with her.

 

My anxiety begins growing as within days, my AP goes back and stays the night at her old house with her daughter while the H is there. I suppress a lot of this, and think “it’s just temporary…be patient…” all the while thinking I’ve been pretty patient for a very long time. On average, we are spending one, maybe two nights a week together at the apartment alone. Sometimes it zero nights as she would cave into her daughter "begging" her to stay at the old house despite us having plans. Bear in mind, I have two kids as well, and I never expected us to be together every night, but I had never imagined her daughter having so much control and influence over my AP. This aside from it would made me much more comfortable if the daughter was staying with her at the apartment on the off nights (sporadic) versus my AP staying at her old house.

 

A few weeks later, Spring Break rolls around and my AP tells me that the daughter wants to take a trip (meaning including the H) since all of her friends are getting to go somewhere and she isn’t. I feel like it’s another blow and that I’m in a quandary… On the one hand, I’m trying to be supportive, but on the other, at just some weeks after her “leaving” I think why on earth would she do this…everything is still too new and raw and ahebtruly hasn't really seperated herself from the situation at home with the H. I voice my opposition, but say, I will be supportive. Oddly, my AP and her H (and I) are relatively affluent people and they've taken the daughter many places during our affair and so it wasn't like this was some huge vacation the daughter would ne missing out on as she gets everything she wants from them, material and otherwise.

 

She returns and we are back on the same schedule, maybe a night with her at the apartment, me going there to meet her during lunch a few days a week (when she’s off work and the daughter is in school) but it seems as though things are getting worse. I am trying to be supportive and so, am giving her more space to deal with things with her daughter which I explain to her. This is also what she said she needed to do and we have discussions about how it’s just temporary.

 

Her emotions seem to be all over the place. One day she is the incredibly loving, affectionate woman I’ve known for years and the next, she is cold, distant and disengaged with me. I chalk it up to her relationship with her daughter and her trying to work through that.

 

Things finally came to a head again just about two weeks ago… Out of the blue, it’s more “she doesn’t think she can trust me…” which is like a broken record at this point aside from all sorts of other stuff which was inaccurate. I bring up that I noticed her H had a new Facebook page and that they are “friends” on FB and ask her why on earth would she do that in light of everything?!?! Her reply is that because his (H's) cousin asked her why they weren’t friends and she cares what people think….what the heck??? You could have knocked me over with a feather! I say…so you care about a cousin of his that you barely interact with thinks…but not what I might think?!?!!? Perhaps petty of me…but…given the nature of everything, I just don’t understand it…

 

We’ve gone NC now nearing two weeks and it’s just all so crazy to me… To think that just a month or so ago, I thought we were getting somewhere… Part of me of course misses her so incredibly much, but part of me thinks it’s really time to move on from all of this… As hard as it is, I’m trying to focus my time and attention elsewhere as it seems that the heartache and challenges began to overpower any of the good and loving times by a huge margin and has been that way for some time. I do wish things were different…we both often professed how we each knew we would never find anyone else like each other…with the bond and love we had for one another…

[anika99]

It's time to face reality. Your MW is right where she wants to be. It doesn't take years and years on end to end a marriage. Once someone makes up their mind then it's just a matter of doing the work and working out the details. Time for you to stop blaming her "controlling" husband and her "needy" daughter. She is an adult who has been stringing you and her husband along for years.

 

Does she even live in her apartment? Or does she just stay there when she is meeting up with you? How much more of your life do you intend to waste on this dead end? Like so many cheaters, they don't trust other cheaters. Your MW says she can't trust you because you have dated other women but I suspect she really doesn't trust you because she watched you cheat on your wife. Does that make her a hypocrite? Only if she thinks she's morally superior to you. Otherwise you both have very little regard for honesty and boundaries.

 

You barely even mentioned your own kids. Perhaps you should step away from this dead end affair and refocus on your kids. Make sure they are okay and that you are being a fully present (mentally, emotionally, and physically) and available parent to them. There is obviously not going to be an happily ever after to your affair. Even if she left her husband for good she isn't likely to end up with you. It's just a matter of how much more time you are going to waste.

[Syre17]

It's time to face reality. Your MW is right where she wants to be. It doesn't take years and years on end to end a marriage. Once someone makes up their mind then it's just a matter of doing the work and working out the details. Time for you to stop blaming her "controlling" husband and her "needy" daughter. She is an adult who has been stringing you and her husband along for years.

 

Does she even live in her apartment? Or does she just stay there when she is meeting up with you? How much more of your life do you intend to waste on this dead end? Like so many cheaters, they don't trust other cheaters. Your MW says she can't trust you because you have dated other women but I suspect she really doesn't trust you because she watched you cheat on your wife. Does that make her a hypocrite? Only if she thinks she's morally superior to you. Otherwise you both have very little regard for honesty and boundaries.

 

You barely even mentioned your own kids. Perhaps you should step away from this dead end affair and refocus on your kids. Make sure they are okay and that you are being a fully present (mentally, emotionally, and physically) and available parent to them. There is obviously not going to be an happily ever after to your affair. Even if she left her husband for good she isn't likely to end up with you. It's just a matter of how much more time you are going to waste.

 

I appreciate your comments. I've always been forever the optimist...to a fault. That with being one to never give up...but it seems well beyond time to give up on her, this, us.

 

I don't think I'm necessarily blaming her husband or daughter, but rather, trying to paint a picture of the dynamics that have been far reaching. I do blame myself and her for all of this.

 

She would stay in the apartment with me, on occasion, and on occasion with her daughter, but was spending as many, if not more nights at her house.

 

I think you're right about her issues of not trusting me; she mentioned that once. Of "what I had done to my wife" even though she was a party to it.

 

As far as my kids, I have remained very active and engaged with them. They've been the one piece of serenity in this storm.

Edited May 29, 2017 by Syre17

[ztmymmy]

So... you only have her word that the husband was physically abusive and a cheater himself.

 

Obviously, he is not so terrible if your AP refuses to divorce him.Word of advice, cheaters don't lie just to their spouses.

[Syre17]

So... you only have her word that the husband was physically abusive and a cheater himself.

 

Obviously, he is not so terrible if your AP refuses to divorce him.Word of advice, cheaters don't lie just to their spouses.

 

I've often thought about that...that there's two sides to every story and wondered what he would say, or tell others about her.

 

Unfortunately, love, whether real or imagined, sometimes clouds all pragmatic thinking. It can be easy to become a slave to ones feelings and emotions.

[ztmymmy]

I've often thought about that...that there's two sides to every story and wondered what he would say, or tell others about her.

 

Unfortunately, love, whether real or imagined, sometimes clouds all pragmatic thinking. It can be easy to become a slave to ones feelings and emotions.

 

Did he ever try to contact you after the text message you sent?If he's just the wronged party, i hope he has the whole story and the wife isn't playing both of you for fools.

[Syre17]

Did he ever try to contact you after the text message you sent?If he's just the wronged party, i hope he has the whole story and the wife isn't playing both of you for fools.

 

He tried once, unsuccessfully.

 

He also followed, or had her followed, back around January and confronted us at a restaurant we were at together.

[Bittersweetie]

I think there's a phenomenon with people in that the more they invest in something, the more they will waste waiting for it to pan out. Like, a person will spend hours waiting for a bus, and keep waiting because dang it, that bus will come eventually and I will be on it! Instead of taking a train or a taxi or whatever and not wasting time. It's the same with money investments, or jobs, or relationships.

 

You've invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship that is going nowhere. It is time to look for another mode of transportation. I'm sorry, I know it is difficult. But you need to invest your time and effort in yourself and your healing and your children. Those investments will provide gains...MW will not. Good luck.

[minimariah]

OK.

 

i'll be honest with you - you've been VERY lucky so far... you were extremely reckless with this A and you got away with a LOT! having a VERY public A... your divorce was insanely amicable, if i understood well. no ugly custody battles, no stress, nothing like that. you sent a text to her abusive husband which could have ended up in him beating the crap out of her - but it didn't. right now... you're repeating the same thing, expecting a different result every single time.

 

finally - not really sure what is your custody arrangement like...? i will assume that the kids live with you at least 50% or that you see them regularly. so let me ask you this. imagine that she gets divorced. and she brings her daughter with her - can you tell me how do you think you'd function (with the 2 kids) with her and HER daughter? how will the daughter function with your kids in one house, with you? how will you blend the families?

[HereNorThere]

I think there's a phenomenon with people in that the more they invest in something, the more they will waste waiting for it to pan out. Like, a person will spend hours waiting for a bus, and keep waiting because dang it, that bus will come eventually and I will be on it! Instead of taking a train or a taxi or whatever and not wasting time. It's the same with money investments, or jobs, or relationships.

 

You've invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship that is going nowhere. It is time to look for another mode of transportation. I'm sorry, I know it is difficult. But you need to invest your time and effort in yourself and your healing and your children. Those investments will provide gains...MW will not. Good luck.

 

What you have described is the "sunk cost fallacy." It's something we all do.

[Syre17]

I think there's a phenomenon with people in that the more they invest in something, the more they will waste waiting for it to pan out. Like, a person will spend hours waiting for a bus, and keep waiting because dang it, that bus will come eventually and I will be on it! Instead of taking a train or a taxi or whatever and not wasting time. It's the same with money investments, or jobs, or relationships.

 

You've invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship that is going nowhere. It is time to look for another mode of transportation. I'm sorry, I know it is difficult. But you need to invest your time and effort in yourself and your healing and your children. Those investments will provide gains...MW will not. Good luck.

 

So true...that combined with my eternally optimistic personality created a real issue with all of this. I always say look how many people stay in miserable jobs (or marriages) for that matter. I suppose it's like the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome or result...

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

So true...that combined with my eternally optimistic personality created a real issue with all of this. I always say look how many people stay in miserable jobs (or marriages) for that matter. I suppose it's like the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome or result...

 

Except this relationship sounds more miserable and more toxic than your marriage ever was...

 

Google 'sunk cost fallacy'

 

You've wasted 5 WHOLE YEARS... Don't waste another second

[Syre17]

Except this relationship sounds more miserable and more toxic than your marriage ever was...

 

Google 'sunk cost fallacy'

 

You've wasted 5 WHOLE YEARS... Don't waste another second

 

I'm well aware of sunk cost; I taught undergraduate economics for years. Definitely trying very hard to move on...

[DKT3]

It honestly sounds like her husband tossed her and she is trying to get back. Doesn't make alot of sense that an abused woman would get out leave the child with the abuser then go on to spend most of her time at home with the abuser. I think maybe you're involved with a woman lying to everyone including herself

[Cymbeline]

You say you were shocked that she is co dependent on her daughter who is thirteen. So I guess she was 8 or 9 when the affair started. She is very young. How is any behaviour in which a mother puts her very young daughter first (at least occasionally in this case it seems) codependent?

 

And it isn't really clear how much input you have with your own children. And you lost your job over 'long lunches'. Do you think she might feel you have trouble thinking outside your own immediate desires? And that this might lead to problems worse than thise she already has?

[Doublegold]

I bring up that I noticed her H had a new Facebook page and that they are “friends” on FB and ask her why on earth would she do that in light of everything?!?! Her reply is that because his (H's) cousin asked her why they weren’t friends and she cares what people think….what the heck??? You could have knocked me over with a feather! I say…so you care about a cousin of his that you barely interact with thinks…but not what I might think?!?!!? Perhaps petty of me…but…given the nature of everything, I just don’t understand it…

 

Syre--that is why she will never leave. Typical and the reason people stay in unhappy marriages, the children, finances and the "just so" syndrome.

 

Thanks for sharing your story and take care.

[wmacbride]

If she really is being abused, then she has no business being with her husband and having her daughter be brought up in that environment.

 

btw, the "my husband is terrible to me" is one of the oldest lines int he cheating women's handbook. It instantly garners sympathy, and who will dare to not believe an abused woman?

 

She's had plenty of opportunities to be with you, and she has chosen to not do that. To me, it sounds much more like you were a diversion from an otherwise boring marriage.

[wmacbride]

I've often thought about that...that there's two sides to every story and wondered what he would say, or tell others about her.

 

Unfortunately, love, whether real or imagined, sometimes clouds all pragmatic thinking. It can be easy to become a slave to ones feelings and emotions.

 

If you want to know what is going on in her home, why not go right to the horse's mouth and ask him? I have a feeling you may not like what you hear.

[Syre17]

It honestly sounds like her husband tossed her and she is trying to get back. Doesn't make alot of sense that an abused woman would get out leave the child with the abuser then go on to spend most of her time at home with the abuser. I think maybe you're involved with a woman lying to everyone including herself

 

I'm seeing that it's hard to now know what was fact and what was fiction...

[Syre17]

You say you were shocked that she is co dependent on her daughter who is thirteen. So I guess she was 8 or 9 when the affair started. She is very young. How is any behaviour in which a mother puts her very young daughter first (at least occasionally in this case it seems) codependent?

 

And it isn't really clear how much input you have with your own children. And you lost your job over 'long lunches'. Do you think she might feel you have trouble thinking outside your own immediate desires? And that this might lead to problems worse than thise she already has?

 

Over the years, our time together rarely infringed on her time and motherly duties with her daughter. I made it very easy on/for her, bent over backwards really, to not overly encroach on that.

 

Aa far as the codependency, that's vastly different than being a parent and the usually work that goes with that. The daughter was very much an alpha figure in the home. My AP had issues with telling her daughter "no" even with simple everyday things, requests, etc., for fear of dissapointing her. There were very few boundaries for the daughter.

 

I'll go out on a limb here and argue that putting children first (before ones spouse/partner and own needs) is very much a reason why so many marriages fail today. All the attention goes into the kids (and their "needs" and "wants") versus the primary relationship...which is not how it should be. I'm not advocating that one abandons, ignores or neglects their kids. There are a lot of psychological and mental health journals that are describing this, the home and primary relationship revolving around kids, as of late. Let me ask you this...so let's say a parent gets divorced...some time passes and they decide to date. Should they spend every night with their child at their child's behest and deny themselves their own needs!?!! Same goes with friends...so should a parent not have relationships with friends that cause them to say take a trip with said friends and be gone for a weekend because that might upset junior!?!? As far as her daughters needs, no issues with that if they had been spending nights together at her apartment and not as many or more back at home. What kind of message does that send to a kid? A pretty confusing one if you ask me...

 

I've dated women with children who were able to balance their own time with the needs and obligations of their kids quite successfully. I do that now, as a divorced parent who's very involved with my kids. Yes, my kids are everything to me, but that doesn't mean my entire life revolves around them.

 

I never demanded the she put me before her daughter.

Edited May 30, 2017 by Syre17
Additional commentary.

[sophinla]

In most marriages today, women are still the primary care taker of the children. Just because you can detach yourself from your fatherly role once in a while and get on with your own self, doesn't mean a mother can do the same, or be expected to do the same.

 

Let's say we have an 8 years old kid, which of course still depends on the primary care taker, in most cases the mom, for everyday living needs such as meals, driving, schooling and in a lot of ways, affection. The kids will always seek out this primary care taker to fulfill their needs, and usually leave the other parent alone. There is a parenting joke that the kids asks their mom all sorts of questions during the day, and only ask one question from the dad which is, where is mom?

 

It is in my opinion that as a man and a father, you may not know the relationship between a kid and the primary care taker. You do not know how she interacts with the kid, and you cannot decide at which point is the kid asking too much, or the mom is giving too much. She decides that. If she's feeling guilty from being away from her kid to jump into bed with you, that is her guilt, you don't get to justify it for her. And if a woman wants to put her children first before herself, who are you to question her decision and tell her to live a little for herself? Maybe caring for her child is her living for herself.

 

And I'm also going to go out on a limb here and say, the primary care taker role IS the reason why most divorced single moms wait until their kids are grown before they get remarried. The statistics is that most women divorced at a later age in life(25-35), will remarried after the age of 45.

Edited May 31, 2017 by sophinla

[Syre17]

In most marriages today, women are still the primary care taker of the children. Just because you can detach yourself from your fatherly role once in a while and get on with your own self, doesn't mean a mother can do the same, or be expected to do the same.

 

Let's say we have an 8 years old kid, which of course still depends on the primary care taker, in most cases the mom, for everyday living needs such as meals, driving, schooling and in a lot of ways, affection. The kids will always seek out this primary care taker to fulfill their needs, and usually leave the other parent alone. There is a parenting joke that the kids asks their mom all sorts of questions during the day, and only ask one question from the dad which is, where is mom?

 

It is in my opinion that as a man and a father, you may not know the relationship between a kid and the primary care taker. You do not know how she interacts with the kid, and you cannot decide at which point is the kid asking too much, or the mom is giving too much. She decides that. If she's feeling guilty from being away from her kid to jump into bed with you, that is her guilt, you don't get to justify it for her. And if a woman wants to put her children first before herself, who are you to question her decision and tell her to live a little for herself? Maybe caring for her child is her living for herself.

 

And I'm also going to go out on a limb here and say, the primary care taker role IS the reason why most divorced single moms wait until their kids are grown before they get remarried. The statistics is that most women divorced at a later age in life(25-35), will remarried after the age of 45.

 

Good points and I hear you... My actions, in large part, were based on what my AP was telling me...perhaps all a fallacy... That and actions like getting an apartment "for us" but spending as much or more time back at home. I suppose I'm just really trying to understand it all.

[sandylee1]

I would agree that men by and large find it easier not to prioritise their children in this situation and they focus a lot more on their needs and desires.... Whereas women by and large would continue to live in an unhappy relationship.

 

Society views women who have affairs and leave in a more negative light than men as well. It's obvious that she cares about this, hence she friended her H on FB, following a comment from his cousin.

 

If she cares about a little thing like this, don't you see that she wouldn't want to be seen as a cheater, who has then left her H and destroyed the family home?

 

Are you 100% sure her husband had affairs, or are you taking her word for it?

 

You said she works, so it doesn't sound like she's totally financially dependent on him. In light of that, why would she tolerate his infidelity and his abuse on top of that?

 

Assuming that you believe her, don't you question her reasoning? What it demonstrates, is that she makes poor choices in relationships and doesn't have the gumption to end a bad relationship.

 

She's shown that in her marriage and with you.

 

From the sounds of things, she also has poor parenting skills in setting boundaries. That applies to all areas of her life, including having an affair.

 

In order to leave her marriage, it would have to be really bad, and you'd have to be really good.

 

Add in the children... Would your kids like her, would her daughter like you, would you provide the financial comfort that her H probably does and would being with you elevate her lifestyle... Bearing in mind a percentage of your income goes to your Ex /child support.

 

In the scenario that I was ever going to leave my husband and have my kids going between two homes, it would have to be for a man that was head and shoulders above my H, that people would say... I see why you did it.

 

I'd have to think about the impact on my children and knowing that I'm headed to a known cheater... Would give me some doubt about how dependable this man is. Hypocritical? Absolutely.

 

Love on its own, just isn't enough...and who knows if she really loves you.

 

I suggest you move on and look for a relationship that you start honestly, without lies and deception.

[Syre17]

I would agree that men by and large find it easier not to prioritise their children in this situation and they focus a lot more on their needs and desires.... Whereas women by and large would continue to live in an unhappy relationship.

 

Society views women who have affairs and leave in a more negative light than men as well. It's obvious that she cares about this, hence she friended her H on FB, following a comment from his cousin.

 

If she cares about a little thing like this, don't you see that she wouldn't want to be seen as a cheater, who has then left her H and destroyed the family home?

 

Are you 100% sure her husband had affairs, or are you taking her word for it?

 

You said she works, so it doesn't sound like she's totally financially dependent on him. In light of that, why would she tolerate his infidelity and his abuse on top of that?

 

Assuming that you believe her, don't you question her reasoning? What it demonstrates, is that she makes poor choices in relationships and doesn't have the gumption to end a bad relationship.

 

She's shown that in her marriage and with you.

 

From the sounds of things, she also has poor parenting skills in setting boundaries. That applies to all areas of her life, including having an affair.

 

In order to leave her marriage, it would have to be really bad, and you'd have to be really good.

 

Add in the children... Would your kids like her, would her daughter like you, would you provide the financial comfort that her H probably does and would being with you elevate her lifestyle... Bearing in mind a percentage of your income goes to your Ex /child support.

 

In the scenario that I was ever going to leave my husband and have my kids going between two homes, it would have to be for a man that was head and shoulders above my H, that people would say... I see why you did it.

 

I'd have to think about the impact on my children and knowing that I'm headed to a known cheater... Would give me some doubt about how dependable this man is. Hypocritical? Absolutely.

 

Love on its own, just isn't enough...and who knows if she really loves you.

 

I suggest you move on and look for a relationship that you start honestly, without lies and deception.

 

All good points and thank you.

 

For what it's worth, I'm not the "stereotypical" dad. What I mean is, when I was married, and to this day as a single dad, I shoulder just as much of my kids needs (feeding, bathing, diapers, play time when they were babies) and am very engaged with them. I'll admit, I do get asked a lot, primarily by women with a surprised look on their face on trips for example, when they say "you take them out of town by yourself?!?" I can handle the two of them on my own just fine and don't require a woman's "help" with them.

 

We did talk a lot about how our "blended" family would look and function.

 

As far as providing for her, or anyone else for that matter, yes, I am well educated and a senior-level executive. My salary is well north of six figures and my home is nearly paid off, which is not common for most people in their late 40's.

[Syre17]

I did want to add this update on a separate post...

 

I actually met a single woman this past week and we really seem to be clicking and hitting it off!

 

There was a ton of irony during our second "date." Her daughter (who coincidently attends the same school as my ex AP's daughter) had made plans to stay overnight with a school friend (no, she's not friends with my ex AP's daughter). So new single gal asks me to dinner for that same evening. The next day, the day of our date, the daughter says to her mom that she doesn't really care to stay over at her friends after all. Now this is where the irony kicks in...new single gal tells daughter, "you made plans and your are going to follow through with those plans." She then shares with me that she also told her "based on your plans, I made plans for tonight and I intend to keep those plans as well." I about fell over when she shared this with me...these are boundaries, which are perfectly normal and healthy. It's really quite refreshing...

 

Lastly, please save the "need to grieve" comments as we all process and grieve things differently... It feels pretty good to be in the company of someone who can offer something substantial and their (mostly) full attention...