How I went from being the MM to the OM...

[ice3784]

I'm the OW. Become the 'Wife' when she choose to leave, they decided to separate after she found out about me. 2 years later, she decided to take him back. i become the OW again. He give me lame excuses. Its all for the sake of the children. Its terrible. He never ask me to leave. No matter how bad things was, i accidentally ruin their reconciliation by posting some of my pictures with his family members, but he never leaves me. Not sure what he wants. We are still staying together. They are still separated. But once the children visitation happends, they were together like a perfect family. The wife brag to me that they had fully reconcile and slept together. Im confused....

[Starswillshine]

I am just going to put this out there, but as a mom, if someone (especially a man who supposedly loves me) is fussing about the time I spent with my chikd, he would get kicked to the curb faster than he can blink.

 

I agree that having a child centered home isn't healthy for a marriage. BUT as a mother... Especially a mother who may (or may not) be ending a marriage with the father, my child would be my FIRST priority.

[Syre17]

I am just going to put this out there, but as a mom, if someone (especially a man who supposedly loves me) is fussing about the time I spent with my chikd, he would get kicked to the curb faster than he can blink.

 

I agree that having a child centered home isn't healthy for a marriage. BUT as a mother... Especially a mother who may (or may not) be ending a marriage with the father, my child would be my FIRST priority.

 

I'm not sure which post or comment you're referencing?!?!

 

Several things however...

 

I was "fussing" about her spending time (overnight) with her daughter BACK at her home and under the same roof as her H, who she was supposedly leaving/divorcing and not at the apartment (with her daughter) that she rented. That would have been welcomed.

 

During my A, it's safe to say that 98% of the time, I adjusted so that the daughter would NOT be impacted as far as my APs "time with" her as a result of our relationship. Meaning, we mostly saw each other during times the daughter was in school for example, or times when the daughter had an evening music lesson.

 

Try Googling "should kids come first?" and see/read what you find. I'd challenge you to find one credible, researched or fact based scholarly article or journal that supports "putting kids first." The only reason you buy into this thinking is because you want to be seen by others as a "good mommy" since most think that this is what defines one...constantly putting kids "first." It's a societal thing and nothing more...and likely where the term "helicopter parent" came from.

 

I was a product of divorce, and it was just me and my mom for many of my formative years. I remember not always being placed "first." She had to work, often evening hours, since she had only a high school education and not a lot of work experience. She took time for herself, dated, spent time with friends and on hobbies. So no, I wasn't always first, and you know something!?!? It shaped me in some profound, positive ways. I had extremely close relationships with my grandparents who would watch me and some incredible experiences with them. It taught me to think and function independently...it taught me to be resilient and resourceful. It gave me a basis of confidence at a very young age that I carry to this day. She eventually met my stepdad, who was a great man and a huge positive influence in my life. I'm so glad I wasnt always placed first...as she may have never met him...

Edited June 7, 2017 by Syre17
Syntax

[ice3784]

I am also still investing in my MM. we are both married. Luckily my H does not want a divorce yet and still holding on despite he knows i am still with MM. MM in the other hand was caught, and since then live separately with his W. They are re-conciling recently and he was trying to have both of us. Im havent leave this A and i also not sure where i stand. During the years they were separated, everyone knows and accept me. Im confuse either to invest more love or to lose and back to square one...

[sophinla]

I caution any man to not judge how or when a women should give herself to her children. There have been a lot of studies done on remarriage of women with children, it is a complex issue. For example, just to give you an idea of how different these situations are, do you know that single mothers of sons are more likely to remarry than single mothers of girls?

 

Think about that.

 

https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB105242529532017200

 

Again, my point is not to discredit your decision or your experience, but simply to state that you have no base to judge or decide other women's decision on such matters. Btw, I've seen a lot of devoted mothers that are in no way helicopter mothers. Devotion does not equate obsession.

[Syre17]

I caution any man to not judge how or when a women should give herself to her children. There have been a lot of studies done on remarriage of women with children, it is a complex issue. For example, just to give you an idea of how different these situations are, do you know that single mothers of sons are more likely to remarry than single mothers of girls?

 

Think about that.

 

https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB105242529532017200

 

Again, my point is not to discredit your decision or your experience, but simply to state that you have no base to judge or decide other women's decision on such matters. Btw, I've seen a lot of devoted mothers that are in no way helicopter mothers. Devotion does not equate obsession.

 

Why is that!?!? Is it because men in large part might be "portrayed" or "perceived" as less of a caregiver than women!?!? Or perhaps not as good of a caregiver!?!?

 

So correct me if I'm wrong, but you're suggesting that men should just yield to women's parenting styles, whims and choices!?!? That makes absolutely no sense...

 

I'm struggling to comprehend that you believe what you've written above. Are you currently in a relationship? If so, does your man just sit back and allow you to dictate everything with your kid(s)? If you're not investing time and attention in your spouse or partner and vice versa...then what's the point of having one!?!?

[Starswillshine]

I'm not sure which post or comment you're referencing?!?!

 

Several things however...

 

I was "fussing" about her spending time (overnight) with her daughter BACK at her home and under the same roof as her H, who she was supposedly leaving/divorcing and not at the apartment (with her daughter) that she rented. That would have been welcomed.

 

During my A, it's safe to say that 98% of the time, I adjusted so that the daughter would NOT be impacted as far as my APs "time with" her as a result of our relationship. Meaning, we mostly saw each other during times the daughter was in school for example, or times when the daughter had an evening music lesson.

 

Try Googling "should kids come first?" and see/read what you find. I'd challenge you to find one credible, researched or fact based scholarly article or journal that supports "putting kids first." The only reason you buy into this thinking is because you want to be seen by others as a "good mommy" since most think that this is what defines one...constantly putting kids "first." It's a societal thing and nothing more...and likely where the term "helicopter parent" came from.

 

I was a product of divorce, and it was just me and my mom for many of my formative years. I remember not always being placed "first." She had to work, often evening hours, since she had only a high school education and not a lot of work experience. She took time for herself, dated, spent time with friends and on hobbies. So no, I wasn't always first, and you know something!?!? It shaped me in some profound, positive ways. I had extremely close relationships with my grandparents who would watch me and some incredible experiences with them. It taught me to think and function independently...it taught me to be resilient and resourceful. It gave me a basis of confidence at a very young age that I carry to this day. She eventually met my stepdad, who was a great man and a huge positive influence in my life. I'm so glad I wasnt always placed first...as she may have never met him...

 

I am saying that if I am in the middle of a divorce (or potential divorce) my children then become my first priority. Their well being. How they are coping, etc. We are not talking about some woman who has been a single mom for years. Divorce affects children. And if I were a recently single mom and some man I was seeing made some comment on how I was spending too much time with my child, he would get the boot, immediately. Bottom line.

 

Again, I stated I agree that a child centered home isn't healthy for a marriage. But we are not discussing a marraige here.

[sophinla]

Why is that!?!? Is it because men in large part might be "portrayed" or "perceived" as less of a caregiver than women!?!? Or perhaps not as good of a caregiver!?!?

 

So correct me if I'm wrong, but you're suggesting that men should just yield to women's parenting styles, whims and choices!?!? That makes absolutely no sense...

 

I'm struggling to comprehend that you believe what you've written above. Are you currently in a relationship? If so, does your man just sit back and allow you to dictate everything with your kid(s)? If you're not investing time and attention in your spouse or partner and vice versa...then what's the point of having one!?!?

 

 

 

Man IS the lesser care taker in most marriages. You can argue all you want, but that is a fact. No offense to men, they have other roles in the marriage to fulfill, but women are natural nurturers and therefore fall more easily in the care taker role.

 

Yes I expect my husband to leave me alone when I'm dealing with the kids, unless he wants to take over the primary care taker role, which he doesn't.

 

And yes, if my children is my priority, that means my husband needs to understand that I may not have the extra energy to attend to his needs, unless again, he wants to step in and take over my primary care taker responsibility.

 

A lot of marriages failed as you have pointed out, imo not because women take on the primary care taker role and ignore the husbands, but because a lot of men are just not mature enough to support that primary care taker role, or they just don't understand the energy and devotion that role demand.

 

I always tell my male friends that wants more attentions from the wife, you go marry another woman and have kids with her, you are still going to whine for attention like you do now. Raising kids is hard. Marriage is hard. Sleeping with someone on the side with no responsibilities and no strings attached? Easiest thing in the world.

[Syre17]

And if I were a recently single mom and some man I was seeing made some comment on how I was spending too much time with my child, he would get the boot, immediately. Bottom line.

 

I think you're missing my point entirely... The issue wasn't me commenting or judging "how much" time she spent with her daughter or choosing her over me. I'll say this again, the VAST majority of the time, I made it such that she didn't HAVE to be away from her daughter; I accommodated her schedule and needs to be a mother to her daughter, never complaining. My issue was that the time spent with her daughter was often back at the house, where her husband was, and overnight, in light of having an apartment where she and the daughter could go. That's the bottom line issue...

 

For what it's worth, we often turned to each other for advice about our respective kids...everything from their accomplishments, to peer issues, sports and their challenges.

[Syre17]

Man IS the lesser care taker in most marriages. You can argue all you want, but that is a fact. No offense to men, they have other roles in the marriage to fulfill, but women are natural nurturers and therefore fall more easily in the care taker role.

 

Yes I expect my husband to leave me alone when I'm dealing with the kids, unless he wants to take over the primary care taker role, which he doesn't.

 

And yes, if my children is my priority, that means my husband needs to understand that I may not have the extra energy to attend to his needs, unless again, he wants to step in and take over my primary care taker responsibility.

 

A lot of marriages failed as you have pointed out, imo not because women take on the primary care taker role and ignore the husbands, but because a lot of men are just not mature enough to support that primary care taker role, or they just don't understand the energy and devotion that role demand.

 

I always tell my male friends that wants more attentions from the wife, you go marry another woman and have kids with her, you are still going to whine for attention like you do now. Raising kids is hard. Marriage is hard. Sleeping with someone on the side with no responsibilities and no strings attached? Easiest thing in the world.

 

It sounds as though you are not in a healthy co parenting relationship. It's unfortunate that your husband doesn't take a more active role whether on his own accord or yours. Have you thought about co parenting therapy?

 

I don't see it the same way as you about men will be "whining" and aren't mature enough to support the primary care taker role. I can't think of one man in my social circle who doesn't take on a good chunk of this role. We do things as men alone with our kids and we do just fine. There are actually some of us out here who don't need a woman in the primary care taker role. I know in my case, with shared custody, I do just fine on my own and appreciate the ability to influence my kids as a male.