So my friend slept with the guy I like... What?!

[Laurenhergensen]

So, I've this one friend, who's very close to me, let's call her G.

 

She usually sleeps with any guy she likes, like, literally. Me, on the other side, I wouldn't just sleep with someone I barely met JUST BECAUSE. That's just who I am, I guess.

 

The thing is, another friend of mine told me that a friend of hers told her he'd like to meet me because I'm very pretty and all... I haven't met the guy, not personally, but I really liked the little I knew about him, which is WEIRD, since, I haven't liked ANYONE in 8 freaking months! I was supposed to meet this guy next week...

 

Yesterday, G texted me, saying 'omg I slept with xxxx' (yes, the guy I like) and I was like WTF. She told me she met the guy that day, and that she basically threw herself at him, and he obviously did not decline... WTF?! We talked about him ONCE, girl talk like 'oh, he's really hot' and that kind of stuff. I didn't tell her I was going to meet him, because at the moment, it wasn't a sure thing. Besides, I thought she was going for his friend, since she was practically all over the guy... Although at this point, I remember her saying 'oh, I'd be with any of those two...'

 

What the hell? I know I shouldn't be mad at her, and I'm not... But is just frustrating, like, she likes pretty much anyone she can put her hands on, I never like anyone, and this is the first time I've liked anyone in MONTHS and this **** happens. FML

 

What if I see the guy? (meeting him purposefully is totally off the table right now)... What if he tries to approach me? What the hell...

Edited May 29, 2017 by Laurenhergensen

[SpiralOut]

If I were you and I ran into him, I would casually mention that I'd heard good things about him from my friend G and just carry on the conversation as if everything is fine. It'd be my way of letting him know that I know. If he has any sense, he'll know that he messed up his chances with me.

 

If he doesn't take the hint and asks me out anyway, I would just tell him that I have a policy of not dating people that my friends have slept with/been involved with.

Edited May 29, 2017 by SpiralOut

[anika99]

Okay, well first of all you don't really like him. You like what you have heard about him and you like how he looks. You don't know him at all so you can't like him or dislike him at this point.

 

Since your friend seems to want to sleep with every guy she finds attractive maybe in the future you should tell her right away when you are interested in someone or planning to meet them. Hopefully she is a loyal friend who wouldn't sleep with the guy anyway

 

Just wanted to ask, did this guy know that G is a friend of yours when he bedded her. If he was making plans to meet you and knew that he was screwing your friend, well that says something about him.

Edited May 29, 2017 by anika99

[Laurenhergensen]

Okay, well first of all you don't really like him. You like what you have heard about him and you like how he looks. You don't know him at all so you can't like him or dislike him at this point.

 

Since your friend seems to want to sleep with every guy she finds attractive maybe in the future you should tell her right away when you are interested in someone or planning to meet them. Hopefully she is a loyal friend who wouldn't sleep with the guy anyway

 

Just wanted to ask, did this guy know that G is a friend of yours when he bedded her. If he was making plans to meet you and knew that he was screwing your friend, well that says something about him.

 

Yes, I know. I don't REALLY like him, I haven't personally met him. I was just interested, something that never really happens to me. I'm way too... Idk, 'selective' when it comes to guys, and that is why I was a little excited about this whole thing... Until this happened

 

yeah... She kind of does that.

 

 

About the guy... No, I'm a 100% sure he didn't know. He actually just met her yesterday. Oh well...

[preraph]

Maybe you shouldn't be real mad at her, but you also should learn the lesson not to talk to her about guys you like AT ALL and not let her meet them either because you know she will throw herself at them. This happened to me with a friend of 17 years only it was my boyfriend during an uncertain patch. She knew I was in love with him and she purposely went and did it anyway. I got rid of her after that. And this could and will happen to you if you keep this girlfriend around.

 

My friend did it because, of all things (this was confessed weeks afterward as I was kicking her out of my life) she envied me and my life. I had noticed her trying on my clothes and stuff and a vintage outfit had gone missing, in retrospect. So she was just coming behind me using me to meet people and it was messed up.

 

Now you know this friend can't be trusted at all. I mean, you know how she is. You mentioned the guy to her and I think she could infer from that you might be interested and should have not gone after him. Because friends are supposed to be loyal and not hurt each other.

 

As for what you do with him, well, I think you write him off. He's sullied. She will always feel like she has the right to sleep with him because she slept with him first, even if you two got serious.

 

I recommend you start doing the slow fade on your relationship with this friend. In the end, she will only mess up your life repeatedly.

[amaysngrace]

If you don't just sleep with anyone then you should expect the same in a boyfriend otherwise you aren't on the same page.

[Laurenhergensen]

Maybe you shouldn't be real mad at her, but you also should learn the lesson not to talk to her about guys you like AT ALL and not let her meet them either because you know she will throw herself at them. This happened to me with a friend of 17 years only it was my boyfriend during an uncertain patch. She knew I was in love with him and she purposely went and did it anyway. I got rid of her after that. And this could and will happen to you if you keep this girlfriend around.

 

My friend did it because, of all things (this was confessed weeks afterward as I was kicking her out of my life) she envied me and my life. I had noticed her trying on my clothes and stuff and a vintage outfit had gone missing, in retrospect. So she was just coming behind me using me to meet people and it was messed up.

 

Now you know this friend can't be trusted at all. I mean, you know how she is. You mentioned the guy to her and I think she could infer from that you might be interested and should have not gone after him. Because friends are supposed to be loyal and not hurt each other.

 

As for what you do with him, well, I think you write him off. He's sullied. She will always feel like she has the right to sleep with him because she slept with him first, even if you two got serious.

 

I recommend you start doing the slow fade on your relationship with this friend. In the end, she will only mess up your life repeatedly.

 

 

I'm not really mad at HER. But at the situation. As I previously highlighted, it's so hard for me to even look at someone, and when I finally do, BAM... And wow, your friend wasn't really your friend, if she did that... Ugh.

 

I don't know if she just doesn't care, I mean, I know she and another friend of hers slept with the same guy on different occasions... It's weird to me, but they don't really seem to care.

 

Damn... And after writing that, I think I'm starting to get mad at her I know I shouldn't, but it is happening and I really don't want to. Great

[Laurenhergensen]

If you don't just sleep with anyone then you should expect the same in a boyfriend otherwise you aren't on the same page.

 

I don't really mind about other people's business. I mean, I don't sleep with just anyone because, well, quoting Cher from clueless: "You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet." lol

 

But if other people do it, it's really none of my business. I wouldn't judge because of that.

[preraph]

See, you've come to think this is normal, but good friends, you should be able to tell them about a guy you think is interesting without them going out and propositioning them! Then if nothing ever happens between you and the guy in a reasonable amount of time, they should be fair game. Like if you meet him but nothing develops and it isn't going anywhere, then fine, you let your friends know you're moving on. But if you had a relationship or have an active interest such as this case, that guy is hands off. I mean, do you think that if you had a date with this guy lined up, she still would have slept with him? Because I do.

 

Another thing is like in college, we passed men around like cookies, but not the ones any one of us was truly seriously crushing on or developing a friendship with. It got so everyone was after certain guys so we actually had an "auction" which forced us all to make our choices which one or ones we were really more serious about pursuing. Then our rule was whoever you "won," everyone else stood down until you took your shot and you only had 3 weeks. Crazy? Yes, but jeez, dormatories, you know? It gave a little order to the chaos. PS, none of those unions lasted, but at least I got my shot.

Edited May 29, 2017 by preraph

[Laurenhergensen]

See, you've come to think this is normal, but good friends, you should be able to tell them about a guy you think is interesting without them going out and propositioning them! Then if nothing ever happens between you and the guy in a reasonable amount of time, they should be fair game. Like if you meet him but nothing develops and it isn't going anywhere, then fine, you let your friends know you're moving on. But if you had a relationship or have an active interest such as this case, that guy is hands off. I mean, do you think that if you had a date with this guy lined up, she still would have slept with him? Because I do.

 

I told her about this guy five days ago. FIVE. And we were joking and saying how handsome he is and all that kind of stuff.

 

She's a really supportive friend and all... But we've never had these kind of problems, and now I'm wondering the same thing... What if I started going out with him? Oh god...

[Laurenhergensen]

See, you've come to think this is normal, but good friends, you should be able to tell them about a guy you think is interesting without them going out and propositioning them! Then if nothing ever happens between you and the guy in a reasonable amount of time, they should be fair game. Like if you meet him but nothing develops and it isn't going anywhere, then fine, you let your friends know you're moving on. But if you had a relationship or have an active interest such as this case, that guy is hands off. I mean, do you think that if you had a date with this guy lined up, she still would have slept with him? Because I do.

 

Another thing is like in college, we passed men around like cookies, but not the ones any one of us was truly seriously crushing on or developing a friendship with. It got so everyone was after certain guys so we actually had an "auction" which forced us all to make our choices which one or ones we were really more serious about pursuing. Then our rule was whoever you "won," everyone else stood down until you took your shot and you only had 3 weeks. Crazy? Yes, but jeez, dormatories, you know? It gave a little order to the chaos. PS, none of those unions lasted, but at least I got my shot.

 

 

Well, I'm pretty sure that right now if I did the same thing to her, she'd be mad. Or at least confused.

[preraph]

I bet she'd get aggressive if you did that to her. Trouble is if you get on her about this deal, she'll just tell the guy and make him think you're nuts. That's one of the big problems with it -- they are in a position to turn the guy against you when they shouldn't even be talking in private to him.

 

There are a fair amount of women friends who will mostly go after guys their friends have "endorsed" by taking an interest in. I think it's an envy thing part of the time and a competitive thing part of the time and a lack of self-identity part of the time.

 

A younger friend of mine has always been this way since she was a teen. I didn't take it too seriously because she was younger than me so I was cutting her some slack, but she never stopped doing it. I mean, every guy either me or my best friend, which at the time back then was her best friend, dated or had something going with, she would just come right in behind us and start flirting with him.

 

Now it's 35 years later, and she's still doing it, but because of it, I have stopped responding to her trying to contact me. A couple of years ago, my best friend found out this woman, now fully grown, had moved in with my best friend's first husband and they started trying to contact her as if they wanted to all be buds and stuff. My best friend doesn't ever want to deal with her ex again or hear about him or get in the middle of it. And then the woman started trying to reach out to me for the first time in years I'm sure to gossip about that situation. I just ignored her and blocked her from my Twitter feed. They don't stop. They just keep doing it. Eventually it will cause a serious problem even if it hasn't on this more minor thing.

[amaysngrace]

I don't really mind about other people's business. I mean, I don't sleep with just anyone because, well, quoting Cher from clueless: "You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet." lol

 

But if other people do it, it's really none of my business. I wouldn't judge because of that.

 

If you're picky then be picky.

 

Don't just quote a movie about how picky you are then bed a man who goes for whoever is the most easy.

 

Whoever he slept with you'll sleep with too and you'll also be sleeping with whoever he slept with has slept with which in this case would be whoever your friend has slept with too.

 

Doesn't really sound all that picky to me.....

[Laurenhergensen]

If you're picky then be picky.

 

Don't just quote a movie about how picky you are then bed a man who goes for whoever is the most easy.

 

Whoever he slept with you'll sleep with too and you'll also be sleeping with whoever he slept with has slept with which in this case would be whoever your friend has slept with too.

 

Doesn't really sound all that picky to me.....

 

What? I don't think you understand.

 

When I say I'm picky, I'm not talking about the person's 'sex history'. How would I know about that when I just met someone? I'm talking about physical appearance and what's in the mind. Yes, sex history is important if the person has been extremely promiscuous, but how would you know how many partners the other person had?

[healing light]

I believe you about being picky, even if you do go on to date this guy. Don't worry about defending any kind of honor on here. Just because your friend chooses to sleep with men like it's nothing more than scratching an itch doesn't suddenly make your standards less because you decided to go forward with a pre-scheduled date after your friend pre-empted you. I can appreciate how off-putting and awkward this must have made things for you. I'm like you in that I rarely meet guys that I'm romantically interested in.

 

I can think of two women that were friends of mine who were very casual with sex. One actively went after a guy that had previously liked her for a while but she continuously rejected over the course of a year or two. Wasn't attracted to him at all apparently. So she and a mutual friend decided to set him up with me. We hit it off, and after a week or so of getting to know each other over dates and some making out, I come over to my friend's nearby dorm to say hello. Only to be warned by our mutual friend that the guy was currently in her bed. I guess when she found out we were hitting it off, she took it upon herself to seduce him after our date the night before because she suddenly wasn't getting his attention any more and was jealous (her own words). When I went to talk to her about it, suddenly I was the one comforting her during her meltdown and the guy who was now threatening suicide! The drama! Thank goodness I only had a mild crush and wasn't completely infatuated or I would have been really hurt.

 

When I started liking another guy a year later (who she claimed was too way too short and not attractive to her, etc.), she came up to him at a party and started pulling her leg up to her forehead (wearing a skirt) claiming how flexible she was, dancing provocatively. She admitted to me in private that she needed the sexual validation of every man in the room whether she was interested in him or not. So there are women and "friends" like this.

 

Another friend of mine can't keep any female friends and she doesn't know why. She has slept with literally 100's of men, to the point where she has to think when you've asked her if she's bedded someone. All of her female friend's boyfriends during "breaks" are up for grabs in her mind. She has no qualms hooking up with them a day after a break up or rough patch, etc. Sex isn't a big deal to her so she doesn't understand why these women end up angry and want nothing to do with her afterward.

 

Around women like this--not saying they are like your friend or aren't, that's for you to decide--you have to be careful about how much you reveal in terms of interest. Somehow, it seems to put a target on their back.

[SpiralOut]

I told her about this guy five days ago. FIVE. And we were joking and saying how handsome he is and all that kind of stuff.

 

She's a really supportive friend and all... But we've never had these kind of problems, and now I'm wondering the same thing... What if I started going out with him? Oh god...

 

She didn't know you were going to meet up with him, and this is the first time this has happened. I wouldn't worry too much unless this becomes a pattern where she does it over and over again. I once had a promiscuous friend. She stayed away from her friend's crushes, boyfriends, etc. She only ever dated one guy that she knew I was interested in, but she asked me (repeatedly!) if I was okay with her going for him. I lost interest in him pretty quickly (not because of her), so I told her to go for it.

 

Try talking to your friend and see what she says.

Edited May 30, 2017 by SpiralOut

[mightycpa]

Now you know. Next time around, pull her aside, tell her to keep her mitts off of "that one" until you tell her she can have him.

[Laurenhergensen]

She didn't know you were going to meet up with him, and this is the first time this has happened. I wouldn't worry too much unless this becomes a pattern where she does it over and over again. I once had a promiscuous friend. She stayed away from her friend's crushes, boyfriends, etc. She only ever dated one guy that she knew I was interested in, but she asked me (repeatedly!) if I was okay with her going for him. I lost interest in him pretty quickly (not because of her), so I told her to go for it.

 

Try talking to your friend and see what she says.

 

I don't think she's doing it on purpose... I think that it is just normal for her, you know, to do these kind of stuff.

[preraph]

^ Right, which doesn't make the results any better. She has crap ethics. She wasted no time going right after him as soon as you mentioned him -- and she does know what you mentioning him means....

[SpiralOut]

I don't think she's doing it on purpose... I think that it is just normal for her, you know, to do these kind of stuff.

 

Exactly. You'll need to be more upfront with her and tell her when you like a guy and don't want her going after him. If she's a good friend, she'll respect that.

[Laurenhergensen]

^ Right, which doesn't make the results any better. She has crap ethics. She wasted no time going right after him as soon as you mentioned him -- and she does know what you mentioning him means....

 

I know. That's exactly how I felt... It sucks, but I can't blame her either, since she's like that...

[preraph]

It's her own fault she has crap ethics, so yes, you can blame her for being that way. I suggest you just move on from her though. Everyone is responsible for how they behave, no matter what.

[anduina]

I told her about this guy five days ago. FIVE. And we were joking and saying how handsome he is and all that kind of stuff.

 

She's a really supportive friend and all... But we've never had these kind of problems, and now I'm wondering the same thing... What if I started going out with him? Oh god...

At first I wondered if it was a coincidence but now that you've explained it, it sounds like your friend is being competitive with you. This is why I don't have many female friends, this awful frenemy dynamic that's prevalent among many women. Thankfully, not all of them.

 

You've now learned not to trust her so if you wish to keep her as a friend, you can either keep your crushes to yourself or ask her why she slept with a guy that you had confidentially expressed an interest in. She will likely deny it all and make it your problem, that you don't own the guy which is true. That said, this isn't how BFFs behave since they respect each other's feelings.

[kendahke]

At first I wondered if it was a coincidence but now that you've explained it, it sounds like your friend is being competitive with you.

 

Anduina is right on this point: she's in competition not only with you, but with every woman out there. All she has to offer is sex too soon. Tell me, how long is she able to keep any of these guys she has sex with? Does she have any long term relationships?

 

She has no boundaries and she counts on you turning your head to how she behaves.

 

It was all cool with you until you told her about this guy, then she went and found him to stake her claim on him. That's not what friends do. Frenemies? Yes. This is what they do. They smile in your face while planting a knife in your back.

 

Even if she was promiscuous, if she was your true friend, after hearing that you said that you liked him, she would have steered clear and not make it her policy to seek him out and have sex with him. She doesn't get any cookies just because she called you and told you. At any point in all of this, the thought of you, your friendship and your feelings did not matter to her. To me, that was intentional and a shot across your bow and you're too quick to deny what this truly was: her showing you how she actually feels about you, because as my tag line states:

 

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Edited June 12, 2017 by kendahke