Can a narcissist truly love?

[immatureWife]

After 10 months of feeling suffocated and low about myself, I realize that I married a narcissist and they don't change. So I left. But I have a different question. I read that a narcissist never really truly loves you. So howcome my narc (probably soon to be ex narc) fell in love with this married mother of three children five years older than him back in 2009? He was like madly in love with her! And when she left him, he attempted suicide. If I check his timeline from 2010 to 2013 it's all about how he lost his wonderwall and the love of his life, and how he wants to write on a piece of rock "I miss you" and throw it at her so that she understands just how much it hurts to miss her. Well, after his attempt at suicide, he was rushed to the hospital by relatives, and he recovered. But even after that she went to his place once and they slept!! It was after he got mad at her for not committing and posting their pictures together on her timeline that she had the police call him up asking him to stop harassing her. He tells me that he couldn't believe he had stooped so low, and hence he finally let her go. But his pathetic posts on FB continued, and he kept writing poetry (good ones too!) until 2013-14. He really did seem to love her! How was that possible?

 

However, he pursued his first wife for 3 years and divorced her in six months with no remorse or regret. He says that was one of the best things he had done in his life. She was a bad person, a liar, manipulative, possessive, too demanding, etc etc. Some of the reasons sound hilarious as grounds for divorce.

 

Okay, going back to his extra-marital unhealthy relationship. Howcome he loved her so much? He has no regrets about his first marriage not working out, and he has no remorse about our marriage not working out either.

[Redhead14]

How was that possible? -- He is not a diagnosable narcissist. He likely became self-protective and self-involved as a result of that relationship failure. His behavior is an unmanaged consequence of that failure.

 

That being said, if he is a diagnosable narcissist, being rejected by anyone is a huge blow to their already inflated ego. She left him and likely for the same reasons all his other relationships failed. He didn't love her. He didn't attempt suicide because he loved her so much, he did that for attention and nothing but attention for his own gain.

 

He has no regrets about his first marriage not working out, and he has no remorse about our marriage not working out either. -- Whether he is a narcissist or not, he is incapable for remorse/regret, for what could be, a multitude of reasons.

 

She was a bad person, a liar, manipulative, possessive, too demanding, etc etc -- He hates her because she was just like him and/or out did/outsmarted him in those areas. They don't like to be "shown up" or embarrassed.

[mikeylo]

As far as I know, narcissist truly love themselves only.

 

Has he been diagnosed by a therapist or google? People change everyday without realizing.

 

Love makes some people do things they would'nt have thought they would ever do. He is one of them.

 

Its likely that where he is, your marriage is just a piece of paper and is actually dead.So carrying on like any other day.

[immatureWife]

Ah... I think I found the answer. It's called Obsessive Ex Syndrome. While normal breakups include the expectation to a right of privacy, obsessed and vindictive people who have full-blown narcissistic personality types simply cannot let a recovering ex move away, get on with their own life, or enjoy their rights to quiet enjoyment in life.

 

You see, his first wife was devastated by the divorce. But this married woman wasn't, never loved him, took advantage of him, and dumped him.

[cocorico]

obsessed and vindictive people who have full-blown narcissistic personality types simply cannot let a recovering ex move away, get on with their own life, or enjoy their rights to quiet enjoyment in life.

 

Wow! That certainly explains H's xW.

[preraph]

I have a diagnosed narcissistic and bipolar old friend I've just recently come to the end of the line with. I do think she loves. In fact she loves people in general. But when push comes to shove, she thinks her needs should be the center of the universe for all these people and gets highly offended and hysterical when they're not accommodated.

 

Recently she decided it might be okay to contact my most serious old ex bf who I am still friends with (who has been happily married for decades now) for whatever nefarious reason, which I suspect is boredom, sex, and money. I had happened to mention he was a VP somewhere in a past phone call. Then she started trying to get me to remind her his last name, etc., and then to justify her interest, she started trying to gaslight me and get me to believe she knew him before I did, which isn't at all true. She met him when we were roommates and I was cuddling on the couch with him because we were dating. But to justify it, she wants me to think she always knew him but just "gave" him to me.

 

 

See, her husband is terminally ill and has been struggling for years, and it would be hard on anybody, but the end of her patience rope is about four feet, so she has been having affairs under his nose while he'd bedbound. Plus she can't manage money and she's sinking in debt and probably about to run her business into the ground. So she's desperate for money and the only person I know has any is him.

 

Now, she loves her husband. Been with him over 30 years. But her boredom and sexual needs outweigh everything else now. And she started reaching out for my ex, and I told her where to and what for. I told her I socialize with him and his wife, which audibly dampened her spirit, and then warned him about her, but I don't know if I found out in time or if she'd already reached him. If so, she would turn his marriage upside down because she will say she's discreet but she's not. She would show up at their kids' graduation and things like that uninvited.

 

She was a lot of fun when young, but could never be trusted. Her illnesses have gotten magnified with age, though, and I loved her like a sister, but I can't let her destroy anyone's life I'm still friends with, not to mention what she's doing to her own reputation putting her sexual needs above taking care of her loyal husband in his time of need. But the narcissist can justify anything because the worst ones really think everyone should agree their needs come first.

[aileD]

True narcissism is actually rare. Most of the people we call narcissists today, are really just regular people with narcissistic tendencies or traits

[Fair]

This is something I know about because I have close relatives who are definitely narcissists and NO THEY CANNOT LOVE. They can sustain relationships as long as they are getting value out of it and because they have a way of sniffing out the (empaths) whom they can manipulate and use for their own ends.

 

I would say the fact you are worried about how he could seemingly love this other woman indicates you still have a level of caring. You need to stop concerning yourself with him. Narc or not he is TOXIC as hell. Stay away from him. There are narcissists... who are truly evil, believe me, I know...even capable of murder if they think they can avoid any hint of implication... and then there's just a lot of really ****ty people who don't deserve us anyway.

[immatureWife]

I have a diagnosed narcissistic and bipolar old friend I've just recently come to the end of the line with. I do think she loves. In fact she loves people in general. But when push comes to shove, she thinks her needs should be the center of the universe for all these people and gets highly offended and hysterical when they're not accommodated.

 

Recently she decided it might be okay to contact my most serious old ex bf who I am still friends with (who has been happily married for decades now) for whatever nefarious reason, which I suspect is boredom, sex, and money. I had happened to mention he was a VP somewhere in a past phone call. Then she started trying to get me to remind her his last name, etc., and then to justify her interest, she started trying to gaslight me and get me to believe she knew him before I did, which isn't at all true. She met him when we were roommates and I was cuddling on the couch with him because we were dating. But to justify it, she wants me to think she always knew him but just "gave" him to me.

 

 

See, her husband is terminally ill and has been struggling for years, and it would be hard on anybody, but the end of her patience rope is about four feet, so she has been having affairs under his nose while he'd bedbound. Plus she can't manage money and she's sinking in debt and probably about to run her business into the ground. So she's desperate for money and the only person I know has any is him.

 

Now, she loves her husband. Been with him over 30 years. But her boredom and sexual needs outweigh everything else now. And she started reaching out for my ex, and I told her where to and what for. I told her I socialize with him and his wife, which audibly dampened her spirit, and then warned him about her, but I don't know if I found out in time or if she'd already reached him. If so, she would turn his marriage upside down because she will say she's discreet but she's not. She would show up at their kids' graduation and things like that uninvited.

 

She was a lot of fun when young, but could never be trusted. Her illnesses have gotten magnified with age, though, and I loved her like a sister, but I can't let her destroy anyone's life I'm still friends with, not to mention what she's doing to her own reputation putting her sexual needs above taking care of her loyal husband in his time of need. But the narcissist can justify anything because the worst ones really think everyone should agree their needs come first.

 

Sounds more like an opportunist.

 

My hubby love bombed me for about three months, then he went into criticizing me, constantly expressing his disappointment and trying to shatter my confidence, and now he gives me silent treatment - totally detaches himself emotionally. And his obsession to discipline me is suffocating. So oneday he texts that he is not going to let me go that easily because he loves me so much, the next day he texts that we are incompatible and things will probably not work out between us and that I don't give him space and overwhelm him. Few days back, I threw a big surprise party on his birthday, and he was so touched that he couldn't sleep that night and was feeling so emotional that he felt feverish. He emailed me that I was the love of his life. The next day, he just switched off. Back to his unhappy self. Man it is so difficult! And honestly, his ex-wife doesn't sound that bad to me. Rather, he seems to be the intolerant one, picking at everything. And how can you have no remorse over a failed marriage, somebody you knew since childhood, wooed for three years, eloped and got married, and in six months you completely get over her???? I feel so bad for her.

[preraph]

Nope. She is a diagnosed narcissist and bipolar.

[Fair]

Nope. She is a diagnosed narcissist and bipolar.

 

They can be wrongly diagnosed. It happens. A lot of things tend to overlap. A true narcissist can not love.

[mikeylo]

I guess you should plan on your future rather than analyzing his past. It can help you understand him a little but won't change your relationship with him. He has checked out or probably was never there in the marriage.

He gives you enough to stay for a little while for whatever reason.