Not Sure

[Nellabeauty]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum so please bare with me while I explain my situation.

 

 

I have been married to my husband for 17 years. We have been together 22.

 

 

My husband comes from a very broken home. His bio father was physically/verbally/emotionally abusive to his mother.

 

 

He has always had a very short fuse and gets angry quickly.

 

 

Our issues started not long after we got married. He would identify "issues" with me that were bothersome to him and he would tell me about them. Not so much in a "lets discuss how we can sort through this" but more of a "I don't like this so fix it"

 

 

It would progress over the years with him getting angry at me for one reason or another, then giving me the silent treatment for a few days - telling me that if I'd just fix the issues he's identified, then everything would be great. It has spiraled out of control now and I don't know what to do.

 

 

without going into too much detail, does this sound like an abusive relationship?

 

 

When one of my issues comes up, he will get SO angry and slam doors, punch walls (broke the closet door on Friday night with his fist), shout and call me names. On Friday night he called me a cu*t, bit*h, free-loader, loser, crazy person. This argument started after one of my "issues" and I lost my temper when he got mad at me. These issues are not anything like cheating, addictions, nagging, being too controlling etc...they are more physical in nature.

 

 

He claims that he has told me over and over again about my issues and how I need to fix them. He claims I don't care about him b/c I choose not to fix my issues despite him telling me over and over again. I just choose not to do anything b/c it's easier for me and I don't care enough about him to change. He also claims I don't put any effort into our marriage, I never do nice things for him and he's there only the pay the bills/cut the lawn etc.

 

 

Friday night he told me to get out. Told me he is done and that he wants me out. I said no way in hell was I leaving.

 

 

He has been physical with our son. grabbing and shouting in his face. He has threatened me - in a kind of backwards way. Wrap a mop handle around my "fuc*ing fat head" things like that.

 

 

He continues to claim that if I would only fix the issues he's identified and put more effort into making him feel special and work on our marriage that it would all be fine.

 

 

I apologize for this convoluted/long message and the lack of details...

 

 

If anyone wants to comment, I guess I just need to know, thoughts???

[Zahara]

What aren't you sure about? You mention your husband comes from an abusive past, yet you're sitting there and watching him do it to your son? If you want to accept abuse then that's your choice but hopefully the wellbeing of your son will help get you out of this relationship.

 

Your husband asked you to leave. Personally, I would have left a long time ago, for my sake but most importantly for the sake of my child.

 

PS: Read up on gaslighting. And when it comes to abusers, it's always someone else's fault. It will never change no matter what you do.

Edited May 29, 2017 by Zahara

[travelbug1996]

Do you have a way to financially care for yourself? He sounds unstable.

[Nellabeauty]

that is part of the problem. My husband makes 3x what I make and leaving is very scary as I am not sure how I would manage financially - even with support.

 

 

I just feel paralyzed. Not sure how to go forward despite knowing full well I need to get out. For my son.

 

 

 

 

thanks for the replies.

[happyonislands]

Do you have anyone you can talk to, such as a pastor, counselor, trusted family member or friend? I believe anyone can change and marriages can be reconciled, but it takes work from both. However, take care of yourself and your son; make sure you are safe, mentally, physically, emotionally. Abuse can be a vicious cycle that can be passed down from generation to generation. Also, there are local, national, and non for profit abuse hotlines than can provide insight and advice and it’s confidential. Please reach out to someone.

Hang in there! I wish you all the best.

[spiderowl]

You need to separate and divorce him. He is abusive and it will only get worse. Whatever issues you have, violence and abuse is not the solution nor is it appropriate.

 

Quite honestly, I would be making every effort to get out of this situation the minute he started to intimidate my child.

 

I know these things can creep up on you but I have a friend who was where you were. Not long after, her husband hit his daughters as well as her. The girls were terrified. Police were called. He was forced to move out. She divorced him and has never looked back. Her main regrets are not dealing with him sooner and waiting until he abused her daughters.