SteelyPhil Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Hi, My wife and I have been married for a little over 5 years (we are in our 30's), no kids. Things have not been going well for the past few years, we argue nearly everyday and have had some pretty bad blow outs (swearing at each other, calling each other every name in the book...). We have tried to work things out by talking them out and are fine for about a day before we are back at it. The years of bad arguing have hurt the way we look at one another and it's difficult to ever move things forward. There's a few big issues with the marriage. For one, my wife is now nearly 100lbs overweight and refuses to lose weight. I'm very nervous to start a family with her being as overweight as she is (along with the arguing) and I'm now just not attracted to her between her weight and arguing. Pretty much any discussion about her weight results in me being yelled at. I've tried talking nicely about it and being encouraging but ultimately she needs to be the one to take action and doesn't. At the same time my wife is upset about us not having a family yet and says I'm using her weight and our arguing as a way to prevent us from having kids. Now when family asks us about when we are having kids I'm often tossed under the bus as the reason why there are none... Due to my wifes weight and our near daily arguing there is pretty much no sex life, we've had sex probably less than 10 times in the past 6 months... There are a lot of other things that have caused a rift between us, religious differences, the ways we are motivated about life and what we want out of it, etc. I feel obligated to stay with my wife because so many things are now intertwined with our families. I look at our wedding pictures and think "how are our families going to look at us if we get a divorce" and "her family is going to despise me". We also have family get togethers planned out for the year and I feel like I'm trapped in the marriage because of them. I honestly feel like I'm staying in the marriage for everyone elses happiness but my own. As more time goes on in this situation I'm feeling closer to just filing for divorce, moving on with my life and finding someone I would be happier with. Has anyone else felt this way? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Man if you want to have a miserable life that's up to you. No one cares but I sure wouldn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Your families don't have to live in a miserable sham of a marriage, so their opinion doesn't matter . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Sounds like you're trying really hard to find an excuse to stay in this. If so you'll find one. Why? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 (edited) Its up to you if you want to live this way the rest of your life. Do you want to be this way at 40? at 50? at 60? No one can tell you what to do. Your family isnt living your life; its yours, and only yours. But its the only one you get; Id suggest making sure you can be the happiest you can be. It doesnt last forever. You posted this 2 months ago. Its obvious you've been thinking about this for some time. What will it take for you to make a decision to better your life? Edited May 29, 2017 by Whodatdog 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Okay, youve actually started posting this back in February. Im sure its been on your mind for longer than that. Make yourself a list....what do you gain by staying married, what do you gain by getting divorced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SteelyPhil Posted May 29, 2017 Author Share Posted May 29, 2017 Okay, youve actually started posting this back in February. Im sure its been on your mind for longer than that. Make yourself a list....what do you gain by staying married, what do you gain by getting divorced. Yes and nothing has really changed. We've tried communicating better but the arguments and disagreements keep occurring. That's a good idea about the list, I'll do that. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 What do you lose if you divorce??? Your pride? You don't have children, why wait until you do to leave? It sounds like you two married for the wrong reasons. I mean, your outlook on life, religion, motivation and her inexplicable weight gain is all crazy! Is she depressed? When did the weight gain begin? Forget the weight gain...how did you two avoid the talk about religion, outlook, life goals before getting married??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SteelyPhil Posted May 29, 2017 Author Share Posted May 29, 2017 Its up to you if you want to live this way the rest of your life. Do you want to be this way at 40? at 50? at 60? No one can tell you what to do. Your family isnt living your life; its yours, and only yours. But its the only one you get; Id suggest making sure you can be the happiest you can be. It doesnt last forever. You posted this 2 months ago. Its obvious you've been thinking about this for some time. What will it take for you to make a decision to better your life? Thinking of feeling this way at 40, 50, 60 is an eye opener. I absolutely do not want to feel this way a year from now let alone 10 or 20. Mustering up the courage to ask for a divorce is just difficult for me, I feel like I'm failing my friends and family. However, I need to keep the question you asked in mind when I start feeling this way and realize I'm not living my life for everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 You arent failing your friends and family, you are failing yourself. I cant believe your friends and family would want you to be miserable the rest of your life. And if they do? Maybe you better pick better friends. Your family is not living your life, you are. But first things first. I really think before you do anything you should make an appointment with a divorce lawyer to find out exactly what you should do and what you will be liable for. You dont want to finally ask for a divorce without have a plan in place. A divorce will set you free, but it will also set your wife free. Its painfully obvious she's miserable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SteelyPhil Posted May 29, 2017 Author Share Posted May 29, 2017 What do you lose if you divorce??? Your pride? You don't have children, why wait until you do to leave? It sounds like you two married for the wrong reasons. I mean, your outlook on life, religion, motivation and her inexplicable weight gain is all crazy! Is she depressed? When did the weight gain begin? Forget the weight gain...how did you two avoid the talk about religion, outlook, life goals before getting married??? The wait gain started shortly after we got married. I gained weight as well but lost 50lbs. I tried to be encouraging and asked her to exercise with me, join classes, etc but nothing sticks with her and I'm ultimately blamed by her for the reason she's gained weight, her happiness with the marriage. We talked about religion, life goals and more before we got married but not enough. I feel like I've changed a lot from who I was 5 years ago and now can't really provide a lot of good reasons as to why we got married in the first place. We had some bad arguments right before the wedding that I should have taken as warning signs but we went through with the wedding anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SteelyPhil Posted May 29, 2017 Author Share Posted May 29, 2017 You arent failing your friends and family, you are failing yourself. I cant believe your friends and family would want you to be miserable the rest of your life. And if they do? Maybe you better pick better friends. Your family is not living your life, you are. But first things first. I really think before you do anything you should make an appointment with a divorce lawyer to find out exactly what you should do and what you will be liable for. You dont want to finally ask for a divorce without have a plan in place. A divorce will set you free, but it will also set your wife free. Its painfully obvious she's miserable. Those are very good points. We have talked about divorce a couple times and when its been brought up she says she wants nothing from me other then our dog and some furniture. I honestly think we could have an amicable divorce but I know that would change if stay together longer, have kids and then decide it doesn't work out and get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Thats fine if you think you can divide up property with no issues, but you still need a lawyer to file the papers for you. It doesnt cost much, a couple hundred dollars. When divorces get expensive is when the 2 involved cant agree on division of property. Sounds like that wouldnt be an issue. Go talk to a lawyer. Until you do, you'll keep posting the same threads on here month after month. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Thats fine if you think you can divide up property with no issues, but you still need a lawyer to file the papers for you. It doesnt cost much, a couple hundred dollars. When divorces get expensive is when the 2 involved cant agree on division of property. Sounds like that wouldnt be an issue. Go talk to a lawyer. Until you do, you'll keep posting the same threads on here month after month. I don't know what state you're in, but it may not be true that you NEED a lawyer. You simply need guidance as to what needs to be done and many people, in hind-sight (personal experience), realize that they could have completed the divorce w/o hiring a lawyer. ESPECIALLY if it is an uncontested divorce! But, for peace of mind, most get lawyers. NOw is the time to do it. Not when things get more complicated. You two have talked about divorce on a number of occasions already. Your relationship is ripe for divorce proceedings. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 I don't know what state you're in, but it may not be true that you NEED a lawyer. You simply need guidance as to what needs to be done and many people, in hind-sight (personal experience), realize that they could have completed the divorce w/o hiring a lawyer. ESPECIALLY if it is an uncontested divorce! But, for peace of mind, most get lawyers. NOw is the time to do it. Not when things get more complicated. You two have talked about divorce on a number of occasions already. Your relationship is ripe for divorce proceedings. My divorce was completed for a little under $300 including parking fees. In many counties across the US the necessary paperwork is available on the county website for a small fee. Once downloaded and printed out the spouse seeking divorce and can go down to the courthouse, pay the filing fee, and file the papers. Some counties will allow spouses seeking a divorce to file entirely online. If finances are an issue, some counties will waive the filing fee upon being provided with proof of financial hardship such as a paycheck stub or any state or government aid card. In our county an uncontested divorce takes about 3 months to complete. Imagine being free in 3 months.... Seriously, it's best to do this now rather than later when there is a kid or two falling apart at the seams because Mommy and Daddy can't live together anymore and their lives are changing, there are assets and debts to fight over along with the alimony, child support, and visitation you'll be arguing over for years on end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 My divorce was completed for a little under $300 including parking fees. In many counties across the US the necessary paperwork is available on the county website for a small fee. Once downloaded and printed out the spouse seeking divorce and can go down to the courthouse, pay the filing fee, and file the papers. Some counties will allow spouses seeking a divorce to file entirely online. If finances are an issue, some counties will waive the filing fee upon being provided with proof of financial hardship such as a paycheck stub or any state or government aid card. In our county an uncontested divorce takes about 3 months to complete. Imagine being free in 3 months.... Seriously, it's best to do this now rather than later when there is a kid or two falling apart at the seams because Mommy and Daddy can't live together anymore and their lives are changing, there are assets and debts to fight over along with the alimony, child support, and visitation you'll be arguing over for years on end. That's exactly how my divorce happened . I filed myself no lawyers and it cost under $300. Took 3 months until it was final . I think you should go ahead and do it. You'll be happy you did, why stay in this marriage. Chalk it up to a youthful mistake and find someone better suited. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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