A thin line between making an effort and looking desperate

[Legatus]

First of all - hello everybody after a long pause:)

 

I never thought I would find myself in a situation like this but I'm curious if anybody had similar experiences and want to share them with me..

 

Last year I met this girl on a volunteer trip on the other side of the world. Despite not having had a lot of chances to talk during first week, the second one we did spend a lot of time together. Generally I was the happiest ever there - finally feeling like I'm doing the right thing at the right time with the right people. The circumstances made me connect with people on a deeper level, with her too, which would result in many great memories.

 

The people I met there made me decide to leave my job and country and travel. I will be volunteering in a specific field, in order to gain experience to work in NGO sector in the future.

 

Anyway before I start my journey (next week) I decided to come to Canada, as this is where all the people I met last year live (it was organised by Canadian organisation).

 

For the last two weeks I've been living with The girl and her family (I also met her mum on the trip and we also became good friends).

 

Before I start the actual part of the story let me tell you that unfortunately I am one of those people that overthink everything, which sometimes paralyses my whole being and alters my persona and what I act like at a particular moment...

 

I came here with no expectations, as having been a workaholic myself, I completely understand the need for people to work and go about their day as normal. I was just something "extra" and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

She works at the restaurant, mostly evening shifts, which leaves little to no room to do anything (especially if somebody sleeps 10h a day!) but I am always up to do something early in the morning especially when spring is here (+28°).

 

There is one problem. She is one of those people that can move earth and sun if they want something really badly. To achieve her goals she works all the time and doesn't have time for anybody (sometimes not even her family) apart from "bestest" of friends.

 

For almost two weeks I would casually approach her and ask if she wants to do something and even if we would make some plans she would change it, go and do something else without even inviting or informing me. I thought: "She wants to spend some time with her friends - that's okay". Time was running out though and my primary goal was to visit them, spend time with them, and they knew it. I wanted to really get to know people that changed my life including her.

She wants to be a nurse, working abroad and I know she will do great things - I have no doubt about it. I just wished that if I ever hear her name in the circles I would be able to say "I knew her" - and actually meanit. At the moment it proved to be difficult task.

 

Don't get me wrong. When somebody does something hurtful to me, anger and fighting back is not my first response. I always think what could I possibly do to upset them for them to treat me this way. The downside of this is that a lot of people have made me doubt myself in recent years. Even when I know didn't do anything wrong I'm trying to find excuses for their behaviour.

 

Anyway few days ago, while we were in a car, opportunity came up to tell her that I do understand she's busy and I know she has her priorities so I am not angry that she doesn't have time I just wish I was a little bit higher on the list, especially since I might not be able to visit Canada again due to Visa policy. She was happy that I came clean, apologised (as usual) and said I should expect from her to make time as I came to visit them etc. I felt like 10kg left my chest and felt good. The rest of the day passed in good atmosphere, we were gonna go out after her work but since it was far away and I couldn't crash at her friend's house so she went alone.

 

Unfortunately day later she did the same thing. First asked me if I wanted to do something as she's not going to the birthday bash she was invited to. I said great but somewhere in the middle she changed her mind without even telling me so I went for a walk to clear my mind. In the end she didn't go and we watched a movie together but probably because none of her friends went and for some reason I must have been removed from the shortlist of potential candidates to accompany her..

 

Note that there is a bit of an age difference here (21 v 29) so I understand that I might not be as interesting to her as I would like to be but it's not that I can't be - it's because I start overthinking what I should do, which completely changes the vibe I give away...

 

Her mum said few days ago, even if officially it wasn't related to me, that she never wanted to get married to her husband - I mean he wasn't her type, but he kept trying and trying and at one point she gave him a chance and they ended up together... I know she noticed that I have been trying to use my time wisely, as it's very limited, but to no avail. I think she wanted me to not give up and keep trying so that when I leave I know I have done everything in my power to let her know I want to spend time with her..

 

The story is longer than that but let me stop here and ask some questions. How do you deal with such type of personality? She is funny and sociable but at the same time when she really lets somebody in (as she did last year) she is even more beautiful inside than outside and that's what kept wanting me to come here. But her personality revolves almost entirely around what she wants - even though she isn't a spoiled princess as some people say she is. When she's hooked on something - there's no stopping her, that's why when it comes to her job or best friends, there is always time and effort.

 

How to keep trying without looking and sounding like a desperate loser? The difficulty is that she does want to spend time but it's like her attention span is that of a banana - she keeps forgetting and then there's apologising, which, frankly, gets boring - because I don't want her to apologise for her way of life or who she is but would like to know what I'm doing wrong..

 

Moreover it's not like I'm seeking a romantic involvement here either.. I'm leaving in couple of days and all I wanted is to get to know her better, not just the surface funny girl that everybody sees every day but the girl I met last year. When do you draw a line? How do you make sure you make an effort but not too much? It's not like I can do much now anyway - in 5 days I'm gone but I would like to read people's opinions and histories with experiences like that..

[grays]

I feel terrible saying this, but I do think you need to hear it -- she's not interested. If she was, she would absolutely not be forgetting about you. Who know why, but Id say the age difference would be enough to kill any attraction. 21 is just too young for almost any grown up woman.

 

Beyond that, I think shes probably not that nice of a person to be stringing you along and blowing you off like that. You should find a better woman.

[Legatus]

Don't feel terrible. Sometimes we know the answer but it takes to seeing it from outside for your brain to acknowledge it..

 

My first reaction was exactly the same: you always find time and space for something/someone you want and I did tell her that too

[preraph]

Her interest level is just that she doesn't dislike you. But she's not interested romantically and I know you are. She has other people she would rather see, which she has made abundantly clear. So I think you're wasting your time here unless you can get her to include you in some of these friend get-togethers where you might meet a friend of hers that is interested in you.

[jjgitties]

Dear OP. Watch out for women who are just in it for the attention. They like to find guys who like them and they get an ego boost from the attention. They have no interest or intention of being with the guy or getting into the relationship -- they just want the attention and ego boost.

[ZA Dater]

Dear OP. Watch out for women who are just in it for the attention. They like to find guys who like them and they get an ego boost from the attention. They have no interest or intention of being with the guy or getting into the relationship -- they just want the attention and ego boost.

 

This is very, very true in my experience, you need to realise EVERYONE loves attention irrespective of how they get it.

 

 

To answer the OP question, sadly I think sometimes you win and other times not, this girls sound completely uninterested, hard to face but in this case I think possibly true.

[Cookiesandough]

I suggest you get busy yourself. No offense, but just from reading your post I can tell that she is way less (if at all) interested in you and you are invested + have too much time on your hands. Sometimes it's hard to reel back our feelings for people (it just happens) so you must create a distraction. You say she is super busy. Get busy too! Get out and enjoy life and accomplishments even if it's unlocking achievements in a video game, idk, just do something fun and distracting so you're not over analyzing. It WILL look desperate and it will turn people off. If she's not responding after day or two, try again, but I said after that, just let her go. It's not meant to be. Best of luck!