Because we let them?

[mortensorchid]

I have asked this question before and will post it again : Why do men treat women so badly?

 

I ask this question because I've been treated badly in the past by men, as have many women friends past and present. And the answer I always seem to get on the forum is "Because women let them treat them badly."

 

Please forgive my ignorance, but what does that mean?

[Blanco]

It means they don't disengage after a man has treated them poorly.

 

This is not exclusive to one gender, by the way.

[basil67]

Complex answer. And I will start by correcting your opening statement. It should be "why do some people treat their partners so badly?" It's not all men and it's not specific to one gender.

 

If you are asking why a person treats everyone they date badly, then the answer would be a combination of nature, nurture and mental health.

 

*The worst behaved person I knew relationship wise had a mental illness and was not compliant with meds. Keep reading posts and you'll recognise mental health issues.

 

* You'll find that children who come from homes where poor behaviour is modelled will copy that when they become adults. Likewise, if they see a parent accepting appalling behaviour, they are more likely to hang around and accept it themselves.

 

* Things like low self esteem: A person puts their partner down in order to raise themselves up.

 

* Poor conflict resolution skills: Probably hasn't been taught how to deal with conflict.

 

To sum it up, if I knew a person who came from a family which involved much conflict, I would think long and hard before dating them. I would not commit to them until I had been around long enough to be confident that they weren't like their parents. And if after all of that, they started exhibiting unacceptable behaviour, I would leave immediately.

[todreaminblue]

Because they choose too...

 

the men choose to behave badly...and the women choose to stay....speaking as a woman who chose to stay...but now...chooses not to go back.....deb

[Eternal Sunshine]

I had an argument about this with a friend recently. She is always placing all the blame on guys who are a-holes and are behaving badly. I pointed out that she is to blame to some extent: she sticks around after being treated poorly, she rewards their bad behavior by trying harder to please them. She got defensive and said that's like blaming a victim for wearing a short skirt after the victim is raped. I didn't see the 2 situations comparable at all.

 

Anyway, the main issue is people's desperation to be in a relationship coupled with attraction to superficial qualities (looks, excitement, social popularity, money..).

 

If you ignore extreme situations such as domestic abuse (even there I see many grey areas), nobody can treat you badly without your consent. I stopped giving consent a long time ago.

[basil67]

I have asked this question before and will post it again : Why do men treat women so badly?

 

I ask this question because I've been treated badly in the past by men, as have many women friends past and present. And the answer I always seem to get on the forum is "Because women let them treat them badly."

 

Please forgive my ignorance, but what does that mean?

 

I too, see posters saying "because you let them" or "because you stay" and that answers the question "why does he keep treating me badly?". But I think you're wanting to understand the pathology behind his behaviour in the first place.

 

I would leave the first time a guy cusses me out or throws stuff at the wall...but why would he think it was OK to treat me like that the first time? This is the question, yes?

Edited May 30, 2017 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

We do teach people how they can treat us.

 

 

I had a friend lament that men never hold doors open for her. Men open doors for me all that time. It requires a slight hesitation on my part. I have to let the guy get the door instead of barging ahead of him to "prove" my equality. Of course I can open a door myself but if you want to be treated like a lady, you have act like one.

 

 

If your guy does something you don't like, call him on it. If he continues, dump him. It really is that simple.

[SpiralOut]

I too, see posters saying "because you let them" or "because you stay" and that answers the question "why does he keep treating me badly?". But I think you're wanting to understand the pathology behind his behaviour in the first place.

 

I would leave the first time a guy cusses me out or throws stuff at the wall...but why would he think it was OK to treat me like that the first time? This is the question, yes?

 

He probably dated other women who put up with his behaviour. So when he dates someone new, he does the same thing and expects her to be okay with it too.

 

As for why he started acting that way in the first place, who knows. Maybe he grew up with crappy role models, or maybe he learned about PUA tactics and decided that was the best way to pick up women.

Edited May 30, 2017 by SpiralOut

[RecentChange]

This may sound crazy, but I am hard pressed to think of examples of times men have treated me poorly.

 

I don't date a holes, I don't give a holes my attention, and I certainly do not give them my heart.

 

I have high standards as to how I will be treated, I voice myself if I am not happy about how I am being treated, and if that doesn't work, I am gone.

 

I have a strong personality and carry myself with a lot of confidence, I swear it's an effective a hole repellent.

 

And I completely agree with the statement that we teach people how to treat us.

[mikeylo]

Complex answer. And I will start by correcting your opening statement. It should be "why do some people treat their partners so badly?" It's not all men and it's not specific to one gender.

 

If you are asking why a person treats everyone they date badly, then the answer would be a combination of nature, nurture and mental health.

 

*The worst behaved person I knew relationship wise had a mental illness and was not compliant with meds. Keep reading posts and you'll recognise mental health issues.

 

* You'll find that children who come from homes where poor behaviour is modelled will copy that when they become adults. Likewise, if they see a parent accepting appalling behaviour, they are more likely to hang around and accept it themselves.

 

* Things like low self esteem: A person puts their partner down in order to raise themselves up.

 

* Poor conflict resolution skills: Probably hasn't been taught how to deal with conflict.

 

This is so true.

 

Many people have suppressed issues which sometimes come out in love relationships and have disastrous results.

[NuevoYorko]

I have asked this question before and will post it again : Why do men treat women so badly?

 

I ask this question because I've been treated badly in the past by men, as have many women friends past and present. And the answer I always seem to get on the forum is "Because women let them treat them badly."

 

Please forgive my ignorance, but what does that mean?

 

Men don't treat women badly. Some people treat other people badly. There are situations where a person is a true victim and unable to advocate for or protect themselves. Otherwise, one who chooses to remain in a situation where they are treated badly is "letting" someone treat them badly.

[xxoo]

Some people treat people poorly. That is completely out of my control.

 

What is in my control is whether I allow them to treat me poorly. The answer is no. They'll have to find someone else to treat poorly, someone who lets them. They usually do.

 

On the other hand, men have treated me wonderfully. They have to if they want the benefit of my time and attention. It is returned.

Edited May 30, 2017 by xxoo

[mightycpa]

Is this an example of that?

 

My self esteem is really being chipped away at these days. I posted about using Bumble the other day for the first time that I met that guy at the other day. I won't hear from him again, I knew by the way he said good-bye. Well today, I was chatting with someone else there and he asked if I wanted to meet him for drinks that day. I said okay.

 

He asked to see another picture of me. (Strike 1) I said there are perfectly fine photos of me on the app. He said I was wearing a winter coat in that picture. I said "That's me". He said he didn't want to see a nude photo of me, he wanted to see me without the winter coat on. (Strike 2) I said "Alright, I don't have a recent one on my phone but I will take one." So I took an upper body shot of myself and sent it to him. It was not racy in any way, it was just me in shorts, a T shirt and flip flops. He texts back "You're not what I'm looking for." Needless to say, this is another dead end in terms of a means to meet others for the better.

 

If that's not cruel, I don't know what is.

Because you let them, that's why. Maybe you're afraid to treat them in a way that you think you would be treating them badly, like:

 

He asked to see another picture of me. (Strike 1) I said there are perfectly fine photos of me on the app. He said I was wearing a winter coat in that picture. I said "That's me". He said he didn't want to see a nude photo of me, he wanted to see me without the winter coat on. (Strike 2) I said "Up yours, pal. You want to take a look, ask me out. Better yet, forget about it. I'm out."

[LurkerXX]

Well, though some people are driven by illnesses, bad patterns, ect...many people simply do this because they want to.

 

So accepting this, expecting that it will change, when it is how a person wants to be, is futile.

[dichotomy]

Why do they pass up the nice guys ? Plenty out there.

[mercy]

H.L. Mencken

 

I ask this question because I've been treated badly in the past by men...

 

Men - that's plural.

 

Why have you allowed it more than once?

 

Sometimes we have to look within ourselves for those answers.

[Gaeta]

I think men and women repeat the cycle they grew up in.

 

Little boys learn to respect or disrespect women by watching their dad.

 

Little girls learn how to treat others, or how to let others treat them, by watching how their mom interact with men.

 

Most boys that grew up in households with a violent father will become violent themselves.

 

If you're a little girl and grew up watching your mom getting hit, getting called names and she stayed the little girl will grow up learning it's normal for a man to treat her that way.

 

There are mental illnesses

 

There are personality disorders

 

The list goes on and on.

 

When people say a man treats you bad because you let him they mean you let him by remaining with him. You cannot control someone's behavior you can only control yours so if you don't want to let someone mistreat you - remove yourself.

Edited May 30, 2017 by Gaeta

[Fresnite]

A man will treat a woman badly for many reasons. The biggest one is because the woman lets them. By not leaving and continueing to take the abuse, no matter what form it is. It encourages the mans behavior because it reinforces what he does if the woman stays.

 

Now that's not the specific reason a man chooses to treat a woman badly and abuse her.

 

It stems from many different emotions and cognitive errors. More than likely the guy has very low self esteem and is insecure. So by instilling a fear of abuse its a form of control. So this "man" has a slight boost of false self esteem.

 

First off if you abuse a woman you are not a man. Not at all.

 

It can also be a rush of adrenaline for having this control over a woman.

 

It can be how the man copes with his crappy life.

 

It can be a way for him to feel he has obedience over the woman to make sure she doesnt cheat or leave him.

 

All This happens though because the piece of dung, is unhappy with himself and/or his life and takes it out on someone he sees as weaker and fragile then himself who will probably take the abuse and not leave. And he continues to be little his victims and lowers their self esteem until they succumb and "deal" with the pain and suffering.

 

It continues to happen because the woman allows it to happen by not leaving. Whether it's due out of her illusions that its her fault, or she has no where else to go, or fear he will find her or kill her, or that this is the best she will get and no other guy will want her, and more multitude of reasons.

 

Even some woman have a psychological problem where that's the kind of attention they subconciously want, because of their own upbringing. And hey sometimes people think negative attention is better than no attention......

 

Bottom line, if the guy does not act like a "man" you got to leave. Maybe if he hits you once it might never happen again, but that's rarely the case. If You identify abuse early on you just have to leave, as hard as that may seem.

[basil67]

>>If that's not cruel, I don't know what is<< (The guy on the dating app who didn't like your look)

 

I suggest you get a reality check on what cruelty is. This guy was certainly unpleasant, but I have heard of far more cruel behaviour than this. I understand that your self esteem is low at present, but please get a grip on what truly bad behaviour looks like before you go accusing so many men of treating you and your friends badly.

 

And yes, you opened yourself up to being hurt by this guy. It was obvious he was just about looks, so why make it easier for him to cause you hurt?

[harrybrown]

my mother while she was alive would not allow that kind of treatment to any lady.

 

So now, some of us are the worthless nice guys.

 

 

But if you have a mother or daughter, I was taught to treat them with respect and treat them the way I would want one of my relatives treated.

 

Sorry you are having this bad treatment.

 

Hope you find someone that does treat you like a lady deserves.

[todreaminblue]

Dont know if i agree with the sentiment its the womans fault a guy treats her badly if she stays with him......i can understand if its in early dating......and evident up front and center out there the guy is an ass then yeah easy to walk away..........but then ...if you are married or in a long term relationship with kids involved ...then it can be quite different.....for better or worse concept...hoping the worse goes back to better....so you ride it out..........

 

i think when a woman gets treated badly and she tries to make a long term relationship work she shouldnt be made to feel like an idiot or mentally ill for being treated badly.....

 

a lady who is always forgiving understanding resilient .gentle and kind.......doesnt equate to mental illness...nor does it equate to deserving of bad behavior

..it equates to being a target for asses of men who would take advantage of that .....and the intelligent asses of men dont do it straight up they do it .....after the woman falls for them down the track....i just love it when men are asses from the beginning ...out there and proud of it....so easy to say goodbye.....but truly abusive men...also know how to wait......and hide their true colors......until the woman believes in them being good and "nice" and shrewd asses of men commonly target softer women.... than confident assertive women........its about control..............deb

Edited May 30, 2017 by todreaminblue