Struggles

[Meraki435]

After being in a good working relationship for a year, my partner decided to move to his homecountry. We decided to have a LDR and after 10 months I would move in with him. We are already on month 5 now, but sadly things arent going how i want. In the beginning of the LDR we saw eachother every 3 weeks, because we had plenty of time and its only 5 hours with the train. But now he works fulltime and I have exams so we dont have that much time anymore. Also he isnt much of a caller/texter. He says he hates it, not just with me but in general. But we still manage to facetime once a week and have short calls in between, although it also happens that we dont talk for a whole day. This bothers me so much. Till last week i was fighting and discussing this with him and trying to explain that we need to communicate in order to keep connected. But i noticed that he just doesnt understand it and says that we know it works with us so we dont have to prove anything and just wait our time. So i decided to let go a bit and focus on myself instead, but i cant deny that its super frustrating, becayse i dont have the feeling that it will work out like this. Also yesterday we facetimed and talked about when we can meet eachother again, but because we are so busy, we decided not to meet in june but in july. However i suggested that although im busy, i can come for 2/3 days. So his reaction was that he doesnt want me to come because he works till 5/6 and that it stresses him knowing that im at his while he has to work and cant be there for me. Also he thinks that its his time to come because i went there for the last 2 times. He probably has good intentions while saying this but i cant help to think that he doesnt want to see me. It makes me feel that he is slowly stepping out of the ldr and when i try to communicate with him about this, he says that im obviously welcome but he thinks it would be better if we just wait and that we dont have to force it, but let it happen natural. I could see that the conversation was annoying him so i just let it go, but i wanted to know what you guys think of this, because my brain just cant understand him.

[Lobouspo]

As an LDR veteran myself, I understand your frustration. The challenge with these relationships is that it's easy for them to just eventually fade out. Have you told him what your needs and expectations are? It's good you have an endgame in sight but you don't want to get strung along for the next few months only to find out he met someone else or is just not interested in continuing for whatever reason. Him not wanting you to come out and see him is concerning. Almost as if he's hiding something. Not saying he is, but it's a possibility you can't totally dismiss.

[d0nnivain]

You want more contact then life allows. It's part of growing up. Life gets in the way & you have other obligations: Work & school.

 

 

Years ago I did an LDR. We wrote snail mail postal letters every day & spoke on the phone once per week.

 

 

Yes, daily contact would be a lovely luxury & it doesn't take that long to send a quick text or squeeze in a 5-10 minute call but he doesn't hear you asking for these. It sounds like you want to spend hours & hours on the phone with him. To me that simply sounds smothering. However, you need to talk to him & compromise. Whether that is 1 10 minute convo per day or maybe you talk longer every other day you both need to come up with something that works for you both.

 

 

Not everyone is a texter. I'm not a fan. It has it's purposes but it's no way to build a relationship.

 

 

I sense you haven't thought this through. it reads like you are in love with love. Your plan is to move to his country in 5 months. Have you worked out your immigration issues, if any? What will you do for work? Where will you live? Don't say with him because going from an LDR directly to living together is a recipe for disaster. So is moving for a man you aren't married to or at least engaged to if you didn't independently want to go there.

 

 

Best wishes. I do hope you can both come to a compromise.

[Whodatdog]

And thats exactly why LDRs just dont work. You need to listen to what he is saying and believe him. Stop reading more between the lines that may or may not be there. When you sign up for a LDR, you literally throw the reins away. Its inconvenient, one person always wants more than the other. You are both busy. Its difficult to coordinate times to talk. Lots of people just dont like to text. Dont make it easy for him to give up on the relationship. Pressuring for more time from him when he's obviously busy isnt going to help. Sometimes contact every day just doesnt work out.

[hippychick3]

I've been in LDR (180 miles apart) for 3 1/2 years now. It works because we communicate every single day to keep connected and we see each other as often as we can. We both prioritize each other and the relationship to make this work. And we do it because we both want to. If either of us didn't, it just wouldn't work.

 

You should NOT be doing all the legwork. He moved away from you. Even if it's more convenient for you to go there, you should not be giving more than you're receiving at this point. Your bf is not prioritizing the relationship and is pulling away from you. He is not missing you like he should if he were in love with you. I'd pull way back and focus on yourself and reconsider this relationship.