Should I give up on a 15 year relationship?

[ReallyConfused]

Hi all,

 

I'm really glad I found this place because I'm all alone right now and I don't know what to do. This is a pretty long and involved story, but please take the time to read it and help me if you can.

 

I have been married for 5 years and have known my wife for 15 years - since high school. I am a very shy person and have always had trouble meeting girls, so when I met her it was a dream come true. We had a lot of similar interests and our personalities were very similar. We dated through high school and college. During college we lived together and everything seemed fine. The only problems I can remember revolved around our lack of money. But deep down inside I also knew a problem I faced was that she always felt more like my best friend than a girlfriend.

 

After college we got married. I debated marriage for a long time. This will sound really terrible, but when I thought about marriage I thought that perhaps this was my only chance and even if at that time she only felt like a best friend that things would get better over time. I thought, I'm a very shy person, I may never meet anyone better, my family really loves her a lot, and it all seemed to fall into place.

 

Now 5 years have gone by. She has become incredibly dependent on me - both financially and emotionally. I feel like I'm trapped. I love her like a best friend, I love her like a sister, I worry about her night and day - but she isn't what I imagined a wife would be.

 

I tried to talk to her about this, and she broke down crying and just kept saying "please don't leave me, I'll do anything, just don't leave me". I felt horrible - I know without me she's going to be lost. Psychologically she is a wreck (and that is another reason I feel trapped - I provide her with 24 hour emotional support and it takes it's toll on me) - she's attempted suicide before, she is on antidepressents and antianxiety medication.

 

When I sit and think to myself "this is what your life will be like for the rest of your life" it just crushes me. I never wanted a life like this.

 

On one hand I feel like I made a contract her (marriage) and it is my obligation to stay with her and honor that contract. But on the other hand I feel like I am over 30 years old and if I ever want to make a change, I need to make it soon.

 

I am so confused. Is it wrong for me to put my own feelings/wants/desires ahead of hers? What do I do?

 

Thanks everyone

[Goose]

Well, you have entered the contract of marriage whereby you are obligated to honor her keep her and love her no matter what, but hey, have you ever heard of divorce? 47% of people get divorced because of one reason or another, noone has to be in a marriage or a relationship where he/she is not happy. Now, if you do love her and care for her a lot, and just the idea of leaving her makes you feel uneasy, that is your call, but if you think this marriage is damaging your life, then I really believe you should end it.

 

If she does not live up to your expectation of what a wife supposed to be, you should seek someone else. I love my sister and friends too, but some people are not going to be my wives just because I love them.

 

If you feel sorry for her, I understand. But this is your life, if it is ruining your life and making your unfortunate, you really do not have to put up with this.

 

Hi all, I'm really glad I found this place because I'm all alone right now and I don't know what to do. This is a pretty long and involved story, but please take the time to read it and help me if you can. I have been married for 5 years and have known my wife for 15 years - since high school. I am a very shy person and have always had trouble meeting girls, so when I met her it was a dream come true. We had a lot of similar interests and our personalities were very similar. We dated through high school and college. During college we lived together and everything seemed fine. The only problems I can remember revolved around our lack of money. But deep down inside I also knew a problem I faced was that she always felt more like my best friend than a girlfriend. After college we got married. I debated marriage for a long time. This will sound really terrible, but when I thought about marriage I thought that perhaps this was my only chance and even if at that time she only felt like a best friend that things would get better over time. I thought, I'm a very shy person, I may never meet anyone better, my family really loves her a lot, and it all seemed to fall into place. Now 5 years have gone by. She has become incredibly dependent on me - both financially and emotionally. I feel like I'm trapped. I love her like a best friend, I love her like a sister, I worry about her night and day - but she isn't what I imagined a wife would be. I tried to talk to her about this, and she broke down crying and just kept saying "please don't leave me, I'll do anything, just don't leave me". I felt horrible - I know without me she's going to be lost. Psychologically she is a wreck (and that is another reason I feel trapped - I provide her with 24 hour emotional support and it takes it's toll on me) - she's attempted suicide before, she is on antidepressents and antianxiety medication. When I sit and think to myself "this is what your life will be like for the rest of your life" it just crushes me. I never wanted a life like this. On one hand I feel like I made a contract her (marriage) and it is my obligation to stay with her and honor that contract. But on the other hand I feel like I am over 30 years old and if I ever want to make a change, I need to make it soon. I am so confused. Is it wrong for me to put my own feelings/wants/desires ahead of hers? What do I do? Thanks everyone

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Is it wrong for me to put my own feelings/wants/desires ahead of hers? What do I do?"

 

No sane person would want to be with someone who didn't want to be with them. Your wife is not of right mind.

 

You are in a highly codependent relationship. You cannot be kept in it by emotional blackmale. You are correct in that you only have one life to live and staying in this relationship for much longer will have serious adverse effects on your life.

 

Enlist the help of a skilled psychologist to help the both of you sever this relationship. This is what it may take for this woman to get her act together. Your unhappiness will only intensify with time and you will become bitter.

 

Without hesitation or guilt, move to correct this situation and put your life on a new path. You are responsible for nobody but yourself. That your wife would try to keep you around by making you feel guilty is proof positive that your marriage is not a healthy experience for you.

 

Be gentle with her but firm. A psychologist should be able to help both of you make a parting of ways as easy as possible in the light of her psychological problems.

[ReallyConfused]

Thanks. I agree with both responses. I guess I really worry a lot about her ability to care for herself if I'm not here. She hasn't had a job in 2 years, she's gone through a pretty bad depression, and I feel like if I leave it will just devistate her.

 

Unfortunately because I'm the only one working & my job situation is unstable at best, a psychologist may be too expensive for us. However, I will try to find one.

 

I guess the only good news of this situation is that we do not have any children. I guess I always knew this day would come and I just couldn't drag kids through something like this.

[ReallyConfused]

I guess the other reason I have for avoiding any sort of separation is that my family just adores my wife. I know that is a stupid reason to stay in this situation, but I know it will crush my mom and sister if we were to divorce. Also, not one couple in my family has ever divorced - so this honestly would be quite a scandal. Again, I know that is a really stupid reason to stay with someone, but it really is hard on me to think about what it will do to my family.

 

Thanks for all the great advice.

[Tony T]

There are many universities, government social agencies and larger churches that offer psychological services on an ability to pay basis.

 

Seek them out. There is no reason why anyone should go without counselling if it is necessary in their lives because of the lack of funds.

 

Even private practioners often give their services at a discount for persons who cannot afford the full price.

[Tony T]

Your family doesn't have to live your life, you do. You are in for a pitiful existence throughout your life if you live it to please others and for the benefit of others rather than yourself.

 

It's hard to believe a human being would put himself through so much pain for so long just out of fear of making family members a little bit uncomfortable.

 

I urge you to get counselling as soon as possible, even if you have to borrow the money.

 

If you're not going to watch out for yourself, I promise nobody else is going to do it for you.

[Natali]

Hello,

 

I've once heard the expression: "We all die alone"

 

Nobody is going to help you but yourself when you become a nervous wreck as a result of putting up with your wife.

 

I left my husband after 10 years of marriage and belive me that was not an easy decision, I still feel sorry for him because his life seem to be apart and miserable after I left him. On the other hand, I feel much more happier on my own and can give that good energy to my daughter.

 

I also know some people can live like that because they've given promise to each other and have other family obligations and ties but they still looking for happiness outside the family (having an affair). I don't think it will work for you. Think of yourself first, nobody is going to think of you.

[JustAGirl]

Hi,

 

I cannot really advise, being as young as I am ... but I just wanna say thanx - hearing your story is making me think about things i shd be thinking about thank u.

 

best of luck!

[cinsi]

Hello-

 

I am living with my bf and we have been friends since highschool (we are mid twenties now). We have been thinking about getting married and it is a really tough decision.

 

About once a month, I get really bad PMS. It causes me to have mental turmoil, such as anxiety, depression, and a strong desire to break up with my boyfriend. It lasts for about three days. I can handle the depression and anxiety, however I is a real problem for me to feel like breaking up every month. I have had this same problem with previous b/fs but in the past I would always break up. I cannot determine how to tell if I really want to break up and I only let myself beleive it when I have PMS, or if the PMS is causing me to have these destructive thoughts. The feelings I have a very different and each one is very real...I want to be able to know how to tell which are the most relevant. That way I would not be torn b/w breaking up or not because I would be able to make a decision with confidence that I am doing the best/right thing for me...

 

as of right now I could never agree to marry him because I feel so unstable, but I would like to get married someday and If he is the wrong person I would like to find out sooner than later!

 

thanks!

 

any advice will be appreciated! thanks!

[Tony T]

You have mistakenly posted the same problem twice, once here and once above under the heading "conflicting thoughts." Thought I would point this out and I offered my view in your post above.

 

If you get some good feedback, it won't matter which post it's under. But normally, one post does the trick.

 

I wish you well.