Glennypoo Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 (edited) Hi, I have been dating this Japanese girl for a month and recently made it official to be in a exclusive relationship. She invited me over for dinner this Memorial Day and we had sex for the first time and everything seemed great, but last night we went to a social event and her actions made me question her fidelity. We were holding hands and walking to the event.. people everywhere. We were getting close to the main area when she dropped my hand suddenly and seconds later ran into this guy that was happy to see her.. she seemed rushed but said hi to him and we went on are way then told me that was her friend she sometimes surfed with and presided to act like everything was normal. I didn't say anything because I wasnt sure what to do. I really like this girl but I don't want to be beta with here. Can you guys please offer advice on what I should do? Thanks! Edited May 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to CFJ Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 (edited) Well, it would seem that she didn't want to be seen holding her hand. But, whether he is nobody, she is dating him, wants to be dating him, or has dated him in the past, etc... is a question only she can answer. Don't assume the worst. Just ask. Edited May 30, 2017 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 (edited) Ah, that story takes me back... I had a very similar experience. I'd just started dating this girl, we had sex for the first time the night before, and we were holding hands, walking into the grocery store to get something for lunch. A friend of hers walked out, and my hand was ejected from hers faster than a Navy pilot from a jet plane that's breaking up in the sky. I didn't say anything until after the friend left, and I don't even remember what she said, but I remember not really understanding from her answer if she was seeing another guy, or if she was just embarrassed to be seen holding hands in front of this friend (for whatever reason). As it turns out, she was seeing another guy too. I didn't push it, because I didn't care, I wasn't that into her at the time, but we ended up dating for about 3 years, and she was the best girlfriend I ever had. It took six months before she stopped seeing other guys. Now, in your case, this guy she saw might actually be just a friend, but knows another guy that she's seeing, or maybe he's the friend of a recent ex. The two difficulties that you have are 1) she didn't give you a clear explanation and 2) that you are "officially exclusive", whereas we were not. That afforded me the freedom to be aloof, but I don't know that you can be so cavalier about her reaction. The only alpha thing you can do is to tell her that because of what she did, you want to take a step back, and you feel like the exclusivity agreement may have been a little rushed. Emphasize that you're not upset with her, but rather that you think that she should take however long she needs to close out her other dating interests before discussing exclusivity again. If she resists you, then you should calmly explain that you cannot have a girlfriend who does not want people to know that you're her boyfriend. Describe what you saw, explain that the only reasonable answer for that behavior is because she didn't want that guy to know you were with her, and that the only reasonable explanation for that is because he knows somebody who she does not want know that she's with you. Then ask her point blank: What else could it be? btw, mine wasn't Japanese, so I'm not sure that factors in. Edited May 30, 2017 by mightycpa 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Next time just kindly ask her to introduce you to her friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 I agree with Smackie. If you aren't a beta, why didn't you just walk over to where they were, wait until the hug ended hold out your hand for a shake saying, "I'm Glennypoo, [girl]'s BF"? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 (edited) So she said hi to a guy she knows? That's it? Nothing else? And you went on your way...I don't see that she was out of line. If she's attractive, you're likely going to come across this scenario a time or two. Some people of the opposite sex just like each other even if it's not romantic in nature, so they'll be glad to see someone they know and like. Try and relax because worrying about it won't do one bit of good. I have male co-workers who most always glad to see me. We have a good rapport. One of them is old enough to be my dad almost. One is young enough to be my nephew. And the other is a happily married man with 6 kids and one on the way. They like me not because of anything romantic. They just like and respect me as a co-worker and I'm fun to work with. That's it. Edited May 30, 2017 by MountainGirl111 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glennypoo Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 Thanks mightycpa that was very helpful. She's been here in USA for 14 years so I don't think it matters much that she Japanese. I'm going to follow your advice. I think it we build her attraction to me if I do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Having read the ladies' perspective, maybe I jumped the gun... that was your point, right, not that she hugged some guy, but that she ditched your hand as if it was something he should not see and then didn't explain it to you? That was my presumption, but it I could be biased by my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glennypoo Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 (edited) I agree with Smackie. If you aren't a beta, why didn't you just walk over to where they were, wait until the hug ended hold out your hand for a shake saying, "I'm Glennypoo, [girl]'s BF"? In hindsight I should have done that working on my alphaness. Edited May 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Having read the ladies' perspective, maybe I jumped the gun... that was your point, right, not that she hugged some guy, but that she ditched your hand as if it was something he should not see and then didn't explain it to you? That was my presumption, but it I could be biased by my experience. No mightycpa I assumed the same thing. However I was more troubled by the fact that the girl did not introduce the guy to her friend that she hugged. But also because the OP said he didn't want to be a "beta" I didn't understand why he failed to perform a classic alpha greeting -- the handshake -- with the other man. Had the OP not raised that particular concern I may have simply assumed he wasn't the type to push his way into a situation where he wasn't sure if he was wanted. Most alpha's don't think like that. They lay claim to what is theirs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glennypoo Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 It's that we had a heart to heart talk and really connected emotionally, and also agreed to be exclusive. I'm a mechanical engineer so she may be after me for a better life. When she dropped my hand it pretty much destroyed the connection I had with her. I may just give her the it's me not you speech and start dating someone more worthy. If I wanted to keep her for a hook up what would be the best approach? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 It's that we had a heart to heart talk and really connected emotionally, and also agreed to be exclusive. I'm a mechanical engineer so she may be after me for a better life. When she dropped my hand it pretty much destroyed the connection I had with her. I may just give her the it's me not you speech and start dating someone more worthy. If I wanted to keep her for a hook up what would be the best approach? Are you kidding? You are going to drop her over this? For heaven's sake, just talk to her. If you think this was break up worthy, you are going to have trouble connecting with anyone. People are not like engineering problems. There isn't a logic to it. Moreover if you are truly trying to be more alpha running at the first sign of trouble, rather than staying & fighting is a classic beta move. There is no right way to say to somebody I've decided I just want to use you for sex. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 It's that we had a heart to heart talk and really connected emotionally, and also agreed to be exclusive. I'm a mechanical engineer so she may be after me for a better life. When she dropped my hand it pretty much destroyed the connection I had with her. I may just give her the it's me not you speech and start dating someone more worthy. If I wanted to keep her for a hook up what would be the best approach? Seriously? At this point, you are making an assumption that this girl did not want to hold your hand/be seen wih you/knew this guy. You have absolutely no idea who he is and whether there is anything between them... But, rather than do the mature thing and ask her about it, you are going to give her a lame-a$$ excuse and walk away. All this talk about whether you will be perceived as an alpha or beta man... What we should be discussing is how to be a good man and a good boyfriend. Forget this other nonscense. To make an assumption and walk away from a relationship without any reason to do so is just a stupid thing to do. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Bring it up ! If it becomes an issue then break it off... If you are a mechanical engineer because I have many clients typically most engineers are very structured if you're very structured it's gonna be a little difficult to find another girl to click with I would give it a chance before breaking up but that's just me Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 . I'm a mechanical engineer so she may be after me for a better life. If she's been here for 14 years, then it sounds like she's been on the better life path for over a decade. I may just give her the it's me not you speech and start dating someone more worthy. If I wanted to keep her for a hook up what would be the best approach? You're ready to dump and run just because she went and said hello to someone she knows and you didn't have the confidence in who you are step up and introduce yourself? Then you need to go on and go and stop even dealing with her altogether. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 (edited) No mightycpa I assumed the same thing. However I was more troubled by the fact that the girl did not introduce the guy to her friend that she hugged. But also because the OP said he didn't want to be a "beta" I didn't understand why he failed to perform a classic alpha greeting -- the handshake -- with the other man. Had the OP not raised that particular concern I may have simply assumed he wasn't the type to push his way into a situation where he wasn't sure if he was wanted. Most alpha's don't think like that. They lay claim to what is theirs.I can tell you from experience, the deliberate and unexpected hand drop (read: ejection) leaves you a little unsure of what to do next. It has the same feeling as a breakup that comes out of the blue, except of course, it's much less severe. Especially in OP's case. Interesting how women see not introducing the friend as the major offense. To me, it was just another log to add to the fire. The big deal was the public rejection implied by the hand drop. As for laying claim to what is theirs, this wasn't the guy rushing in to take her from him. I think the point is the woman was sending the message "I'm not yours." And does the alpha always respond with drama? I'm not sure about that either. When it happened to me, I remember being at somewhat of a loss until I thought it over and talked to her about it, right there in the grocery store. If it ever happened to me again, I'd be a lot better prepared to handle it like Rico Suave. Edited May 30, 2017 by mightycpa 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 No OP is right to question... She did the hand drop for the reasons stated. And you are acting beta. What you should have done is shake the guys hand and said, "Hi I am Joe Blow and until she dropped my hand when she saw you, she was my new girl friend. But, you are welcome to her now." Then, you should have walked away and left her there, and not spoken a word to her. That would have been the way to handle it... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glennypoo Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 No OP is right to question... She did the hand drop for the reasons stated. And you are acting beta. What you should have done is shake the guys hand and said, "Hi I am Joe Blow and until she dropped my hand when she saw you, she was my new girl friend. But, you are welcome to her now." Then, you should have walked away and left her there, and not spoken a word to her. That would have been the way to handle it... Bluespower.. what would you do now in my situation? You hit the nail on the head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glennypoo Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 No OP is right to question... She did the hand drop for the reasons stated. And you are acting beta. What you should have done is shake the guys hand and said, "Hi I am Joe Blow and until she dropped my hand when she saw you, she was my new girl friend. But, you are welcome to her now." Then, you should have walked away and left her there, and not spoken a word to her. That would have been the way to handle it... I can tell you from experience, the deliberate and unexpected hand drop (read: ejection) leaves you a little unsure of what to do next. It has the same feeling as a breakup that comes out of the blue, except of course, it's much less severe. Especially in OP's case. Interesting how women see not introducing the friend as the major offense. To me, it was just another log to add to the fire. The big deal was the public rejection implied by the hand drop. As for laying claim to what is theirs, this wasn't the guy rushing in to take her from him. I think the point is the woman was sending the message "I'm not yours." And does the alpha always respond with drama? I'm not sure about that either. When it happened to me, I remember being at somewhat of a loss until I thought it over and talked to her about it, right there in the grocery store. If it ever happened to me again, I'd be a lot better prepared to handle it like Rico Suave. Exactly how I felt thanks for you two cents! Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Dump her, yesterday. And move on. You sound pretty young, but here is the deal. If I was ever, ever with a woman that did this to me, she would have to UBER it home. When you are with a woman that is into you, she wants to show you off. She wants everyone to know. For women, when they find someone that they are in love with it is a really big deal for them. My new GF, and lots of others, can't stop showing me off. It is a little over the top, but I am the same way with her. We are in love and we want everyone to know it. And frankly it keeps other women away and I don't need any temptation. You ghost her and move on. You can tell her why if you want. She is going to give you some BS line about it and it will totally be a lie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glennypoo Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 Dump her, yesterday. And move on. You sound pretty young, but here is the deal. If I was ever, ever with a woman that did this to me, she would have to UBER it home. When you are with a woman that is into you, she wants to show you off. She wants everyone to know. For women, when they find someone that they are in love with it is a really big deal for them. My new GF, and lots of others, can't stop showing me off. It is a little over the top, but I am the same way with her. We are in love and we want everyone to know it. And frankly it keeps other women away and I don't need any temptation. You ghost her and move on. You can tell her why if you want. She is going to give you some BS line about it and it will totally be a lie. Your right 100% but damn I really like her, that's going to be difficult. If I give her a second chance how do I deal with the guy in question? Make her call him and explain she has a boyfriend? I know this guy at least is interested in her from what I observed. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Mightycpa -- I was not advocating drama but confidence. A simple handshake. Yes there would have been overarching subtext but not drama. Glennypoo -- you say you want to be less beta. So if you had it to do again, what would be different? She won't be the last woman to drop your hand. I have let go of my husband more than once to hug somebody. You can't do both. If he doesn't know the person I introduce them & take his hand back which I guess is the big difference from what your lady did. But for you to turn tale & break up that is not the answer. Talk to her. Find out why she did what she did. If the answer isn't satisfactory then break up with her but don't start by retreating. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Mightycpa Glennypoo -- you say you want to be less beta. So if you had it to do again, what would be different? She won't be the last woman to drop your hand. I have let go of my husband more than once to hug somebody. You can't do both. If he doesn't know the person I introduce them & take his hand back which I guess is the big difference from what your lady did. But for you to turn tale & break up that is not the answer. Talk to her. Find out why she did what she did. If the answer isn't satisfactory then break up with her but don't start by retreating. No you do not do this. The dropped his hand because she did not want other guy to know she was in a relationship, that is what happed. She dropped it way be for she got there to hug him, she dropped it when she saw him, big difference. She has a reason and it is not because she is so dedicated to OP. Glennypoo - If you don't break up with her, then you are weak. You know what happened and you know how you felt when it happened. You also know that you did not handle it correctly, for someone in "AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP". If you would have stepped up and asserted yourself it might be different. You dump her... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Your right 100% but damn I really like her, that's going to be difficult. If I give her a second chance how do I deal with the guy in question? Make her call him and explain she has a boyfriend? I know this guy at least is interested in her from what I observed. Or, you could talk to her and tell her how you felt about the situation. See what she says before you over-react and make a fool of yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Did you two ever agree to put the boyfriend and girlfriend label on this relationship? Or did you just agree to exclusive dating? There can be a difference (although sometimes people just assume the label). Have you two introduced each other to your respective friends? Is this the first time you've almost met one of her friends? Maybe she's not ready to introduce you to her friends yet because she isn't quite ready to label the relationship yet? In any case, what she did isn't a good sign... Link to post Share on other sites
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