Fidelity of new Japanese girlfriend.

[basil67]

I can easily imagine dropping a guy's hand if I felt the urge to run and do something... like.....give someone help/pat a perfect dog/run for the crossing lights/greet someone I haven't seen in ages.

 

I think it's weird to dash somewhere while still holding hands. Mind you, I would say "hey, come on!" and not leave them far behind.

 

Edited to add: how could she greet him with a hug while still holding your hand? I think it's normal to let go of someone's hand when greeting another person.

Edited May 30, 2017 by basil67

[Glennypoo]

No you do not do this. The dropped his hand because she did not want other guy to know she was in a relationship, that is what happed. She dropped it way be for she got there to hug him, she dropped it when she saw him, big difference.

 

She has a reason and it is not because she is so dedicated to OP.

 

Glennypoo - If you don't break up with her, then you are weak. You know what happened and you know how you felt when it happened.

 

You also know that you did not handle it correctly, for someone in "AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP". If you would have stepped up and asserted yourself it might be different.

 

You dump her...

 

Bluespower.. you are a very wise man thank you for your straight talk. I think I'll love the hell out of her one more time and then let her know her actions were bull**** and then turn into a ghost. Thanks everyone for the input.

[kendahke]

Bluespower.. you are a very wise man thank you for your straight talk. I think I'll love the hell out of her one more time and then let her know her actions were bull**** and then turn into a ghost. Thanks everyone for the input.

 

That's real beta there, s0n. Only cowards lie and turn tail and run.

 

Own your actions and tell her up front and quit acting like you'll never get sex again.

[BaileyB]

Bluespower.. you are a very wise man thank you for your straight talk. I think I'll love the hell out of her one more time and then let her know her actions were bull**** and then turn into a ghost. Thanks everyone for the input.

 

And yet, you seemed like such a great guy...

 

This woman may initially be upset about the fact that you have used her in the worst way a man can use a woman... But, she will realize quickly that she is a lucky woman to have learned early in the relationship what kind of a man she is dating.

 

You are not only over-reacting to something that is probably nothing, but now you plan to treat this woman in an immature and hurtful way. Stand in front of the mirror and take a good hard look at yourself. Nothing to respect about your behavior, my friend.

Edited May 31, 2017 by BaileyB

[mightycpa]

No you do not do this. The dropped his hand because she did not want other guy to know she was in a relationship, that is what happed. She dropped it way be for she got there to hug him, she dropped it when she saw him, big difference.

 

She has a reason and it is not because she is so dedicated to OP.

 

Glennypoo - If you don't break up with her, then you are weak. You know what happened and you know how you felt when it happened.

 

You also know that you did not handle it correctly, for someone in "AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP".

I agree with everything up to and including here. My situation was different, because we were not exclusive. There's a big difference, and I don't have the experience in such a situation, but that seems like a major betrayal, like way too early in the exclusive relationship.

 

If you would have stepped up and asserted yourself it might be different.

I don't know how asserting one's self might make it different, even if she had prostrated herself, confessed her love in front of this guy and everybody. Betrayal is betrayal. It happened, and there's no taking it back.

 

You dump her...

Quite right; textbook advice. That said, even though it eventually didn't work out, I did get the best girlfriend out of my entire life by being a little more forgiving about it. In the end, I dumped her, so justice delayed? I don't know, the whole exclusive thing puts a different spin on it. I think I'd be inclined to give her a chance to explain herself, at least.

[BluesPower]

And yet, you seemed like such a great guy...

 

This woman may initially be upset about the fact that you have used her in the worst way a man can use a woman... But, she will realize quickly that she is a lucky woman to have learned early in the relationship what kind of a man she is dating.

 

You are not only over-reacting to something that is probably nothing, but now you plan to treat this woman in an immature and hurtful way. Stand in front of the mirror and take a good hard look at yourself. Nothing to respect about your behavior, my friend.

 

I am not saying that he should screw her or not.

 

But some of you girls must have gotten away with this stuff before. Or maybe you just don't like strong men...

 

When a girl pulls what she did, which is not "Nothing at all", a man that would stay with her is a fool. Because, she is using him for a place holder until she can get with whatever guy she really wants. Whether it is this guy at the mall or his buddy.

 

Men do not let women treat them that way. There are just as many available men as there are available women. Why spend time with one that is not really into you???

[mightycpa]

I can easily imagine dropping a guy's hand if I felt the urge to run and do something... like.....give someone help/pat a perfect dog/run for the crossing lights/greet someone I haven't seen in ages.

 

I think it's weird to dash somewhere while still holding hands. Mind you, I would say "hey, come on!" and not leave them far behind.

 

Edited to add: how could she greet him with a hug while still holding your hand? I think it's normal to let go of someone's hand when greeting another person.

Having experienced both, if I get the OP correctly, there's a difference. One is a reaction to seeing the wrong person. You get the vibe immediately. The other, the one you describe, is something else entirely.

 

That's why I used the word ejected in my description. It's much different than "let go of".

 

OP will have to distinguish the two things if we are to know for sure, but I think I understand exactly what happened to him.

[BaileyB]

Betrayal is betrayal.

 

You don't even know who this man is or what kind of relationship they share - if any. You are all assuming this woman is guilty of something, without any information to back up your assertion.

 

In an earlier post, I said that you should have a conversation with this woman before you do something that makes you look foolish... Well, I should have said you are a fool.

 

By all means, break up with this woman so that she can find a more mature man who will not jump to conclusions and act like an ape. And don't sleep wih her, if you plan to break up with her or ghost.

[BaileyB]

But some of you girls must have gotten away with this stuff before. Or maybe you just don't like strong men...

 

Men do not let women treat them that way.

 

I LOVE a strong man. I love him even more if he's smart, respectful, and communicates with me when he has a concern...

 

With all due respect, women don't let men treat them this way either...

[coolheadal]

Hi, I have been dating this Japanese girl for a month and recently made it official to be in a exclusive relationship. She invited me over for dinner this Memorial Day and we had sex for the first time and everything seemed great, but last night we went to a social event and her actions made me question her fidelity. We were holding hands and walking to the event.. people everywhere. We were getting close to the main area when she dropped my hand suddenly and seconds later ran into this guy that was happy to see her.. she seemed rushed but said hi to him and we went on are way then told me that was her friend she sometimes surfed with and presided to act like everything was normal. I didn't say anything because I wasnt sure what to do. I really like this girl but I don't want to be beta with here. Can you guys please offer advice on what I should do? Thanks!

 

That happens a lot, but you can't control her actions. You are not engaged. She seen someone she knows and might have dated in the past. No one really knows about you. Holding hands just act of love or romance. So she rejected your hand and ran to say hi to the guy friend. That's not problem would you rather be hand to hand while she talks to this guy. No so she did the right thing. Just have pull in your gut and expect this from her. Your not the only guy she been with. You need to commentate effectively with her to make sure you two are on the same page her.

[mightycpa]

You don't even know who this man is or what kind of relationship they share - if any. You are all assuming this woman is guilty of something, without any information to back up your assertion.

I dunno. They had just agreed to date exclusively. So, while I can admit that there is no standard set of rules regarding exclusivity, and everybody has their own idea of what that entails, I have to believe that when, in the minute before the new girlfriend sees a friend, she's perfectly happy to walk hand in hand with her new boyfriend, the moment she tries to hide it because she saw said friend, there is some betrayal going on. What is the nature of that betrayal? Is it because she saw her brother-in-law? Well, that would be something, wouldn't it? Is it because her parents have forbidden her to date? That's one level that you might understand. Is it because Man X knows the other guy you're dating, and you haven't told him yet? That's something else entirely. My impression is that it is the latter. I could be wrong, but the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.

 

In an earlier post, I said that you should have a conversation with this woman before you do something that makes you look foolish... Well, I should have said you are a fool.

Honestly, I think I'd be open to an explanation, but I can see how somebody would not.

 

By all means, break up with this woman so that she can find a more mature man who will not jump to conclusions and act like an ape. And don't sleep wih her, if you plan to break up with her or ghost.

Well, that's just completely unfair.

 

Listen, I've lived through the experience he's talking about. Have you? You try holding hands with someone you think you're in a romance with, and see what it feels like when they suddenly and unexpectedly try to deny it in front of somebody they know. Then you can talk to me about jumping to conclusions.

Edited May 31, 2017 by mightycpa

[Grumpybutfun]

I think this is much ado about nothing, but consider a few things before you make an emotional response without logically thinking of why you jump to the worst conclusion possible, and then ask yourself why the cruelest response came to you when you were validated by another poster?

If a male is insecure enough, he will see his fears manifest themselves in gfs actions. Go ahead and dump her but there was no clear diss here. Why don't you assess her character based on facts rather than your perception. Dropping your hand because she is greeting someone else seems obscure and unimportant unless you are susceptible to PUA fodder...betas, alphas....immaturity that really does nothing more than assert faux dominance by boys who have no idea how to be men.

Instead, work on seeing her as a person who you want to get to know. Do not, under any circumstances, decide to lace your insecurities on her then punish her for them by sleeping with her.

Grumps

[mightycpa]

I think this is much ado about nothing, but consider a few things before you make an emotional response without logically thinking of why you jump to the worst conclusion possible, and then ask yourself why the cruelest response came to you when you were validated by another poster?

If a male is insecure enough, he will see his fears manifest themselves in gfs actions. Go ahead and dump her but there was no clear diss here. Why don't you assess her character based on facts rather than your perception. Dropping your hand because she is greeting someone else seems obscure and unimportant unless you are susceptible to PUA fodder...betas, alphas....immaturity that really does nothing more than assert faux dominance by boys who have no idea how to be men.

Instead, work on seeing her as a person who you want to get to know. Do not, under any circumstances, decide to lace your insecurities on her then punish her for them by sleeping with her.

Grumps

:mad:

 

funny.

 

Anyway, I think there is a fundamental difference between dropping a hand-hold so that one can sweetly greet a friend and dropping a hand-hold in a maneuver to hide the fact that the hand-holding ever occurred.

 

Either we interpreted the same text differently, and one of us is wrong, or you cannot discern the difference. Either way, one of us is wrong about what happened.

[BluesPower]

I LOVE a strong man. I love him even more if he's smart, respectful, and communicates with me when he has a concern...

 

With all due respect, women don't let men treat them this way either...

 

Here is the reality of the situation. B & G holding hands, being affectionate, going to be exclusive. Cool.

 

G sees hot guy or hot guys friend from a distance, and DROPS B's hand as to not look like she is in a RELATIONSHIP with B. NOT COOL AT ALL.

 

B should have left her standing there and left.

 

Do you not see what was going on? Would you be ok with your BF back in the day, with his arm around you at the mall, and he sees hot chick a 100 yards away and quickly disentangles from you so he can look unattached? Then hugs hot chick.

 

This is what she did... Like I said, any man that would put up with that is a fool.

[BaileyB]

Think about why you jump to the worst conclusion possible, and then ask yourself why the cruelest response came to you when you were validated by another poster?

 

If a male is insecure enough, he will see his fears manifest themselves. Why don't you assess her character based on facts rather than your perception. Dropping your hand because she is greeting someone else seems obscure and unimportant unless you are susceptible to PUA fodder...betas, alphas....immaturity that really does nothing more than assert faux dominance by boys who have no idea how to be men.

 

Do not, under any circumstances, decide to lace your insecurities on her then punish her for them by sleeping with her.

 

Well said.

[BaileyB]

Here is the reality of the situation. B & G holding hands, being affectionate, going to be exclusive. Cool.

 

G sees hot guy or hot guys friend from a distance, and DROPS B's hand as to not look like she is in a RELATIONSHIP with B. NOT COOL AT ALL.

 

B should have left her standing there and left.

 

Do you not see what was going on? Would you be ok with your BF back in the day, with his arm around you at the mall, and he sees hot chick a 100 yards away and quickly disentangles from you so he can look unattached? Then hugs hot chick.

 

This is what she did... Like I said, any man that would put up with that is a fool.

 

Is it possible that she is the sister of a former boyfriend. Or, someone she knows from work. Or, perhaps they worked together at summer camp when they were 15. You just don't know who she is, because you never really asked...

 

None of us really know what happened. It's circumstantial evidence, at best.

 

But, we do know that this experience has raised insecurities, OP has jumped to the worst conclusion possible, and now because some have told him to "be a man," he says that he is going to treat this woman worse than anyone deserves to be treated, especially when you consider her "crime." That's not cool.

Edited May 31, 2017 by BaileyB

[Grumpybutfun]

:mad:

 

funny.

 

Anyway, I think there is a fundamental difference between dropping a hand-hold so that one can sweetly greet a friend and dropping a hand-hold in a maneuver to hide the fact that the hand-holding ever occurred.

 

Either we interpreted the same text differently, and one of us is wrong, or you cannot discern the difference. Either way, one of us is wrong about what happened.

 

I discern that a girl whom he has been dating exclusively for one month (I've ate pizza older than that) ran to friend whom she surfs with to greet him, then explained her relationship as a friend to him. Honestly, what factual evidence is there that she let go of his hand for any reason other than greeting another person?

I see from recent posts that you have had this happen to you so perhaps you are projecting your emotional responses onto your perception of this situation. I doubt in all my many years of dating I would have noticed such a thing because I'm a catch and if the lady wants someone else she can just go.

When you have to hold onto each other like prisoners because of vast insecurities, you don't have much of a chance. Honestly, I would think any woman who held onto me all the time because she is jealous or even worried about me dropping her hand because she is insecure to be tedious at best.

I was just giving him something to consider. Immature and insecure people don't always master their emotions- sometimes when people feel these things there are reasons they need to explore if they want to have healthy personal relationships.

I stand by not thinking punishing her by sex first to be a great idea.

G

 

OP, sorry for the TJ

Edited May 31, 2017 by Grumpybutfun

[Bastile]

I have to strongly disagree with those who encourage the gentleman impose in the form of a handshake and telling this other man "she's my girlfriend".

 

These sorts of actions are great when a man invades your date. When another man is disrespecting your boundaries.

 

It's a completely different story when your girlfriend is the one doing the initiating with other men in front of you.

 

And I can't remember a single time in my life when my gut was wrong about this either. I'm not sure if I can apply that standard to others, but I think it's probably that way too.

 

In which case, I would leave her to it. Walk off, and start enjoying my evening without her. Discussing it doesn't work, because it will always be turned around in a gaslighting fashion of "it's all in your head".

 

The action to take is to leave her to it. Let her catch you up and work back into your good books.

 

The problem with these types is that they aren't grateful for what they currently have. In which case, you make them work harder to keep what they have, rather than use you as security whilst they look at the next option.

 

She needs a heavy dose of dread, methinks. She needs to understand that what is here today can be gone tomorrow.

Edited May 31, 2017 by Bastile

[JuneL]

Besides the hand-dropping thing, I think she's a little rude to not introduce you guys to each other.

[Poutrew]

This happened to me, twice. The first time it was so fast that there was hardly any time for me to react between the time she saw the other guy and when her hand flew out of mine as if it had rocket engines hooked to it. Heck, she put distance between us and never even introduced me to the other guy. Now, I was young, and inexperienced, so I stayed quiet while it was happening figuring it was the polite thing to do. After the guy had left, she came back to me and tried to pick up where she had left off, but I refused to hold her hand. I felt very strange, almost like I was embarrassed and angry at he same time. I simply asked her "who was your boyfriend, hun?" She brushed off my comment. Luckily, the date was over, and by the time I got her back home, I had written her off.

 

The other time was many, many years later. This time, the girl never left my side, and introduced me to her friend, and went to great lengths to include me in their conversation. The difference between the first girl and this one was light years, and I felt it. Her hand never left mine. Her intentions were unmistakable. She wanted the world to know we were an item... we are still good friends and see each other to this day.

 

What you don't want to do is to treat this situation as either alpha or beta. If you are a man with honor, then you know what she did was unacceptable to you, and just end it. Don't dishonor yourself by stringing her along and using her as a sex toy... keep you zipper up and your honor intact. Otherwise, you will have a rough time trying to shave without looking at yourself in the mirror...

[SoleMate]

If it's absolutely certain this was a deliberate rejection of you to appear unattached to her other friend, then it might well be a dumpable offense if not explained satisfactorily. But is there any chance the hand drop could have been innocent? OP, you could have walked up to say hi to the friend and also (attempted to) put your arm comfortably around gf's shoulders. Then you'd know for sure.

[kendahke]

[]

 

My new guy drops my hand when we run into people he knows and he greets them; and it doesn't mean he wants to go sleep with them or that he's rejecting me. That is a leap to even suggest that.

Edited May 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Glennypoo]

[]

 

My new guy drops my hand when we run into people he knows and he greets them; and it doesn't mean he wants to go sleep with them or that he's rejecting me. That is a leap to even suggest that.

 

To be clear she quickly pulled her hand from mine before the other guy even noticed her, implying that she didn't want him to see us as an item. This is after I made her my gf and both agreed to be monogamous. She initiated the hand holding for the first time that night.. I have always done so before. I didn't intervene because it happend so fast and had two 3 hour surf sessions just prior and hadn't eaten anything. Took me awhile to realize what just happened.

Edited May 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[Glennypoo]

This happened to me, twice. The first time it was so fast that there was hardly any time for me to react between the time she saw the other guy and when her hand flew out of mine as if it had rocket engines hooked to it. Heck, she put distance between us and never even introduced me to the other guy. Now, I was young, and inexperienced, so I stayed quiet while it was happening figuring it was the polite thing to do. After the guy had left, she came back to me and tried to pick up where she had left off, but I refused to hold her hand. I felt very strange, almost like I was embarrassed and angry at he same time. I simply asked her "who was your boyfriend, hun?" She brushed off my comment. Luckily, the date was over, and by the time I got her back home, I had written her off.

 

The other time was many, many years later. This time, the girl never left my side, and introduced me to her friend, and went to great lengths to include me in their conversation. The difference between the first girl and this one was light years, and I felt it. Her hand never left mine. Her intentions were unmistakable. She wanted the world to know we were an item... we are still good friends and see each other to this day.

 

What you don't want to do is to treat this situation as either alpha or beta. If you are a man with honor, then you know what she did was unacceptable to you, and just end it. Don't dishonor yourself by stringing her along and using her as a sex toy... keep you zipper up and your honor intact. Otherwise, you will have a rough time trying to shave without looking at yourself in the mirror...

 

 

This. I'm not going to do that I was angry by what she did and wanted revenge but I slept on it and I'm going to do the right thing. She does really like me and breaking up with her will be enough justice served.

[Glennypoo]

I have to strongly disagree with those who encourage the gentleman impose in the form of a handshake and telling this other man "she's my girlfriend".

 

These sorts of actions are great when a man invades your date. When another man is disrespecting your boundaries.

 

It's a completely different story when your girlfriend is the one doing the initiating with other men in front of you.

 

And I can't remember a single time in my life when my gut was wrong about this either. I'm not sure if I can apply that standard to others, but I think it's probably that way too.

 

In which case, I would leave her to it. Walk off, and start enjoying my evening without her. Discussing it doesn't work, because it will always be turned around in a gaslighting fashion of "it's all in your head".

 

The action to take is to leave her to it. Let her catch you up and work back into your good books.

 

The problem with these types is that they aren't grateful for what they currently have. In which case, you make them work harder to keep what they have, rather than use you as security whilst they look at the next option.

 

She needs a heavy dose of dread, methinks. She needs to understand that what is here today can be gone tomorrow.

 

I think I'll break up with her but leave the door open and see how much she wants me. If she tries really hard to win me back I may give a second chance.