Fidelity of new Japanese girlfriend.

[kendahke]

To be clear she quickly pulled her hand from mine before the other guy even noticed her, implying that she didn't want him to see us as an item. This is after I made her my gf and both agreed to be monogamous. She initiated the hand holding for the first time that night.. I have always done so before. I didn't intervene because it happend so fast and had two 3 hour surf sessions just prior and hadn't eaten anything. Took me awhile to realize what just happened.

 

No, that doesn't clearly indicate this.

 

Her culture and your culture are completely different on expressions of affection, excitement, etc. You'd be well served learning how the Japanese comport themselves in social situations before condemning and punishing someone for something you dont' know a dag-on thing about.

 

It could have been her excitement to see someone she hadn't seen in a long time and it had nothing to do with how she felt about you.

[Glennypoo]

She was trying to avoid him, he noticed her and called out to her. I was there I know what exactly what she did.

Edited May 31, 2017 by Glennypoo

[Glennypoo]

No, that doesn't clearly indicate this.

 

Her culture and your culture are completely different on expressions of affection, excitement, etc. You'd be well served learning how the Japanese comport themselves in social situations before condemning and punishing someone for something you dont' know a dag-on thing about.

 

It could have been her excitement to see someone she hadn't seen in a long time and it had nothing to do with how she felt about you.

 

Your know what happens when you assume right? While I'm no expert I've read volumes on Japanese culture.

[Bastile]

I think I'll break up with her but leave the door open and see how much she wants me. If she tries really hard to win me back I may give a second chance.

 

Has this been literally the only time a faux-pas has happened?

 

Because the "grass is greener syndrome" types usually have a fair few "red-flags".

 

As I say though, doing that in front of you would be really crap.

 

Some people need a constant challenge. Then, when they get something decent and supposedly committed, they start wanting what they don't have instead. So, challenge her a bit more and have her invest to keep what she has, or break up with her if you want something really committed.

 

But do consider other "red flags". Multiple guy friends? Lots of girls nights out? Overly promiscuous? Dodgy social media activity? etc.

 

As for culture, I've been out with Japanese women, and never had noticeable cultural problems with simple PDA. In fact, their culture is fairly western for the young women, and some of them have been very bold.

[mightycpa]

I discern that a girl whom he has been dating exclusively for one month (I've ate pizza older than that) ran to friend whom she surfs with to greet him, then explained her relationship as a friend to him.

Yes, that's exactly what I said about your perspective. Thank you.

Honestly, what factual evidence is there that she let go of his hand for any reason other than greeting another person?

How is a first-hand, contemporaneous account of the incident? Good enough for you?

To be clear she quickly pulled her hand from mine before the other guy even noticed her, implying that she didn't want him to see us as an item. This is after I made her my gf and both agreed to be monogamous. She initiated the hand holding for the first time that night.. I have always done so before. I didn't intervene because it happend so fast and had two 3 hour surf sessions just prior and hadn't eaten anything. Took me awhile to realize what just happened. ... She was trying to avoid him, he noticed her and called out to her. I was there I know what exactly what she did.

Now, I've been there. Having experience in the matter, I immediately recognized what was going on, even from the distance of my computer screen. In addition, I've always counseled that he should describe what he saw to her, ask her about it and see if there is some reasonable explanation. But even if her face betrays that she's been caught, that will never pass the standard of "factual evidence" that you proposed. I would counter that your threshhold of evidence is so high that he could be played by her simply denying the charge. I can't imagine that this comes as a surprise to you, but you can tell a lot of things on just a gut feeling. It doesn't matter what my gut feeling is, or yours. What matters is what he experienced.

Moving on....

I see from recent posts that you have had this happen to you so perhaps you are projecting your emotional responses onto your perception of this situation. I doubt in all my many years of dating I would have noticed such a thing because I'm a catch and if the lady wants someone else she can just go.

1) you're right, it did happen to me (the lack of factual evidence notwithstanding) 2) I have now three times admitted that I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. 3)because your dating experience is limited such that that this never happened to you, then I can see how you might miss it.

 

you're so :mad:.

When you have to hold onto each other like prisoners because of vast insecurities, you don't have much of a chance. Honestly, I would think any woman who held onto me all the time because she is jealous or even worried about me dropping her hand because she is insecure to be tedious at best.

<sigh> I'm trying to figure out which logical fallacy that one is. Personal incredulity? tu quoque?

I was just giving him something to consider. Immature and insecure people don't always master their emotions- sometimes when people feel these things there are reasons they need to explore if they want to have healthy personal relationships.

ah, the old ad hominem. of course he would be immature and insecure to pick up this particular vibe. I think his measured response and his crowdsourcing of advice for the incident shows a great deal of thoughtfulness. He's gotten a range of opinions here.

I stand by not thinking punishing her by sex first to be a great idea.

G

yeah, I don't think that's right either, even if she is 100% guilty. I could see downgrading her to a FWB though. Why limit yourself to just once?

 

OP, sorry for the TJ

I think it was a good discussion. Maybe he'll give her a fair hearing as a result.

[GemmaUK]

This is the funniest thread I've ever seen on here!

 

You're going to break up because she dropped your hand to go say hello to a guy she knows and give him a hug.

To be honest with that amount of insecurity that you hold (and seemingly nurture) she is better off without you and finding someone with a tad of confidence in himself.

 

This by far is the funniest though - you don't even have the courage of your convictions!:

I think I'll break up with her but leave the door open and see how much she wants me. If she tries really hard to win me back I may give a second chance.

 

Be a man one way or the other - deal with your own issues and get help with them or break up with her and mean it.

 

Good grief!

[BluesPower]

Girls, could we be a little unbiased???

 

Look, OP gave a first hand account of what happened and how it happened.

 

There is no other viable explanation for her actions except that she did not want hot guy to know she was in a relationship with anybody.

 

This is OP's first hand, on the spot account of what happened.

 

Why are you girls and some of the males trying to make excuses for this girl. Is it because she is a girl? You girls want a man that would put up with this type of behavior, maybe you do????

 

OP, dump and move on. If she asked why, tell her, and do not listen to her response because it will be a lie.

 

Good grief...

[Glennypoo]

Has this been literally the only time a faux-pas has happened?

 

Because the "grass is greener syndrome" types usually have a fair few "red-flags".

 

As I say though, doing that in front of you would be really crap.

 

Some people need a constant challenge. Then, when they get something decent and supposedly committed, they start wanting what they don't have instead. So, challenge her a bit more and have her invest to keep what she has, or break up with her if you want something really committed.

 

But do consider other "red flags". Multiple guy friends? Lots of girls nights out? Overly promiscuous? Dodgy social media activity? etc.

 

As for culture, I've been out with Japanese women, and never had noticeable cultural problems with simple PDA. In fact, their culture is fairly western for the young women, and some of them have been very bold.

 

Only other issue was here rubber necking some guys walking by but not that big deal to me. It seams she loves attention from opposite sex. When I first met her she caught me looking at her butt while we were paddling on our surf boards and pulled her bathing suit up to show off more of her ass. I love here character/personality and she's very skilled at creating sexual tension. She's been here for 14 years and is westernized. Still trying to figure out if she's been with a lot of guys time will tell.

[William]

Topic check:

 

The topic is about a newly exclusive relationship and potential flirting or cheating by the relationship partner. Let's stay focused on that and share advice and opinion on what information is shared by the thread starter and always remain civil and respectful in our discourse. Thanks!

[Glennypoo]

Girls, could we be a little unbiased???

 

Look, OP gave a first hand account of what happened and how it happened.

 

There is no other viable explanation for her actions except that she did not want hot guy to know she was in a relationship with anybody.

 

This is OP's first hand, on the spot account of what happened.

 

Why are you girls and some of the males trying to make excuses for this girl. Is it because she is a girl? You girls want a man that would put up with this type of behavior, maybe you do????

 

OP, dump and move on. If she asked why, tell her, and do not listen to her response because it will be a lie.

 

Good grief...

 

I'm going to tell her that I want to take a step back and see what happens. I know your right but if she fights to get me back I may forgive and put her on probation.. no more second chances. Still trying to figure exactly what to do though.

[Glennypoo]

If I do wind up staying with here what do I do about the other guy? Say she can't see him?

[harrybrown]

Life is too short to be her police.

 

If she wants him, let her have him.

 

Tell her if she chooses him, you are not an option.

 

Do not play the pick me dance.

 

She either choose you or she does not have you as an option.

 

And she can do the same to you.

 

Good luck. Hope you get some good answers.

[Glennypoo]

Me- ?*♂️not so bad today being Tuesday lol. need to talk to you after work today.

 

 

Her- What's happen?? ???

Anything wrong?

 

Me- Super busy.. better to talk in person, nobody dying yet.

 

Me- When you dropped my hand yesterday after noticing that guy it now makes me question your fidelity towards me.

 

Me- I'm not mad just took me by surprise when it happened I was unsure how to deal with it because I thought I had found my soulmate and it kinda shocked me.

 

Her- Oh, no..:

He is just my friend who used to live my neighbor & photographer I was almost work with. We never ever done anything you worry... I was just shocked to see someone I knew there,, lol I get shock even my coworkers lol..

 

Her- I even thought he is gay ? ( probably not.. he has son..)

[Space Ritual]

If I do wind up staying with here what do I do about the other guy? Say she can't see him?

 

What a mind numbing thread.

 

William must have anticipated me being online on my day off as he sent out the Storm warning about remaining on point before I even got through the thread. LOL

 

Nobody is worth this much headache after sex 1 time. Tell her to hit the road and grab a 12 pack of Sapporo and down it like it was Super Terrific Happy Hour You'll be fine.

[Glennypoo]

Above is copy and paste of are conversation. I think she's lying thru her teeth but she does still want me and is blowing up my phone. I need to dump her to many women where I'm at. It's like she has a spell on me though lol

Edited May 31, 2017 by Glennypoo

[William]

William must have anticipated me being online on my day off as he sent out the Storm warning about remaining on point before I even got through the thread. LOL

 

Yes, after doing due diligence on the thread starter I posted a directive to gently nudge the thread back to the topic at hand instead of taking pokes at the thread starter personally and baiting into off-topic areas, a time-honored tradition here. That way when I remove member's posting privileges there was plenty of notice. I trust people will choose to post to the topic because that's the way discussions proceed on Loveshack.org.

 

With that out of the way and some further excellent input from the thread starter, I leave it in your capable hands!

[Glennypoo]

Yes, after doing due diligence on the thread starter I posted a directive to gently nudge the thread back to the topic at hand instead of taking pokes at the thread starter personally and baiting into off-topic areas, a time-honored tradition here. That way when I remove member's posting privileges there was plenty of notice. I trust people will choose to post to the topic because that's the way discussions proceed on Loveshack.org.

 

With that out of the way and some further excellent input from the thread starter, I leave it in your capable hands!

 

This is a great resource I never thought I would get this much feedback.

Thanks again everybody for your help!

[Space Ritual]

This is a great resource I never thought I would get this much feedback.

Thanks again everybody for your help!

 

Just remember that although we on the board rarely agree on much of anything when it comes to dispensing of advice, all of us do so based on our experiences in the realm of the heart. So while there may be something you may not agree with or a particular poster that that you may feel is out to lunch or has totally terrible advice, you'll come to know if you stick around here long enough that every one of us actually do care about what happens to people when they come here, and that for better or worse, our intentions are noble. Hence why we have a knack for sidebars and wide disagreement on issues that pertain to this subforum in particular but our collective goal never changes.

[mightycpa]

If I do wind up staying with here what do I do about the other guy? Say she can't see him?

I think you either stop seeing her, which seems extreme, or just demote her back to non-exclusive and start shopping around again.

 

Tell her she can see whoever she wants.

[Grumpybutfun]

Just remember that although we on the board rarely agree on much of anything when it comes to dispensing of advice, all of us do so based on our experiences in the realm of the heart. So while there may be something you may not agree with or a particular poster that that you may feel is out to lunch or has totally terrible advice, you'll come to know if you stick around here long enough that every one of us actually do care about what happens to people when they come here, and that for better or worse, our intentions are noble. Hence why we have a knack for sidebars and wide disagreement on issues that pertain to this subforum in particular but our collective goal never changes.

 

Exactly! We come at it from different life experiences so take what you can use and leave the rest. I may seem grumpy at times, but I'm sincere in wanting the best possible outcome for you.

If you feel so strongly about her lack of character, time to move on from her.

Good luck,

G

[mightycpa]

Me- ?*♂️not so bad today being Tuesday lol. need to talk to you after work today.

 

 

Her- What's happen?? ???

Anything wrong?

 

Me- Super busy.. better to talk in person, nobody dying yet.

 

Me- When you dropped my hand yesterday after noticing that guy it now makes me question your fidelity towards me.

 

Me- I'm not mad just took me by surprise when it happened I was unsure how to deal with it because I thought I had found my soulmate and it kinda shocked me.

 

Her- Oh, no..:

He is just my friend who used to live my neighbor & photographer I was almost work with. We never ever done anything you worry... I was just shocked to see someone I knew there,, lol I get shock even my coworkers lol..

 

Her- I even thought he is gay ? ( probably not.. he has son..)

First, Mr. Alpha, you showed your hand early. What you wanted to see was how much she'd sputter when caught unaware. Now, you may get a rehearsed answer, if one was really needed. Hard to tell.

 

Second, I have no doubt he is just a friend, maybe gay too, who knows? Who cares? It's who he knows that would interest me.

 

Third, soulmate? Whoa, Nellie!

 

Ok, so now, I'm not sure what to say except for good luck to you!

[lolablue17]

I LOVE a strong man. I love him even more if he's smart, respectful, and communicates with me when he has a concern..

 

This is what YOU love. He (and me) just doesn't love an exclusive new gf who drops his hand, and doesn't have the slightest dignity to notice that it might hurt him, and does not apologize right after that.

 

And after he texts her that it bothered him, telling her he was in shock, she is still trying to dismiss it, ignoring his feelings, thinking about herself. The other guy is not so important . The important thing is her hurtful behavior, and her inability to be attentive, and caring for the guy she should have feelings for.

 

Before the texts I thought that you should talk to her first, before making decisions, to give her the chance to regret, to understand her behavior is unacceptable, and to apologize. Now after her reaction, I'm not so sure. It seems she doesn't get it by herself, and you certainly do not want to educate her.

[d0nnivain]

If I do wind up staying with here what do I do about the other guy? Say she can't see him?

 

 

You certainly can't do that. She's a grown adult. You are not her father or her jailer. You can't tell her who she can & can't interact with.

 

 

You told her what was bothering you. She gave you an explanation. I agree with whoever said this discussion would have been better in person so you could have observed her body language. I'm a bit concerned that she didn't say she was sorry or say that it wasn't meant to upset you. I suppose that could be implied.

 

 

You are getting a lot of advice about playing power games. Those don't help anything. That advice seems to be what you want to hear though

 

 

This alpha / beta nonsense is just another form of power game. Had you been a confident man to begin with, this wouldn't have bothered you so much & you would have addressed it in the moment.

 

 

You are also dithering & vacillating about your stated intention to dump your GF. You went from saying you were going to use her sexually, then bail, to saying breaking up would be punishment enough & now to wondering how to stay together. I see that as your anger calming down & your rational side taking over but the fact remains: frank conversation & a promise on her part to be more cognizant of how her actions affect your feelings would be a good start.

 

 

While I wasn't as bothered by her action -- having done a version of it myself -- being excited to see the other person not embarrassed of the guy I was holding hand with which is what I saw here -- the cries of dump her shocked even me. Unless you caught her in flagrante delicto very few early relationship missteps warrant immediate termination of the relationship.

[BluesPower]

You guys can call it power games or whatever...

 

The way that OP saw it from the beginning was correct.

 

She lied to him, and it was complete BS. If that were the case why did she not pick back up his hand and introduce him?

 

Power games???? No, let's call it not allowing yourself to be treated with disrespect and lied to.

 

She did not even think he was smart enough to notice what she did. So SHE is the one that is used to playing these games.

 

Ghost her...

[BaileyB]

I sincerely suggest that you tell her that it's not going to work and end it.

 

You have made up your mind, and you do not trust her anymore. Let her go so that she is free to find someone else to date.