Boyfriend wants friendship with a recent ex girlfriend? Red flag?

[Ms.Jazzy]

So I'll try to make a long story short and I need opinions because I'm confused. So I've been talking this this guy (We'll Just call him Brandon) for about a year and some months. When I first met him he recently had gotten out of a relationship with a girl he was seeing for 3 years. He basically found out his girlfriend cheated on him and he was hurt and dumped her with no contact 5 months prior to when we met. Me and Brandon started out as friends and for months we were cool and just kicking it together. Things slowly got heavier between us and we started dating. We actually made things official with each other back in February and things have been fine. He stopped bringing up his ex earlier when we first started talking and I felt he was finally getting over her.

 

I started a new job a couple of weeks ago and I work weekends which was the only time we really got to see one another. I've been trying to work around my time so we could hang out more. Brandon and I are friends on facebook. So this Saturday while I was working Brandon decided to go to a jazz festival with this same ex girlfriend. I know because she tagged him in pictures of them at the festival together. He recently added her as a friend on facebook. I know what she looks like because he's shown me pics of her when we first started talking. So I confronted Brandon about it and he basically told me that he wants to be friends with his ex. He tried to assure me that his feelings for her are no longer there and that things are strictly platonic between them. That they have history together and she was basically his best friend even though they fought a lot they mesh better together as friends as he put it. I tried to play it cool about his decision.

 

He's been a good boyfriend this far and he never gave me a reason to doubt him but I'm very insecure about this. I really don't like the fact of them spending time together even if he's being honest because so many different scenarios are running through my mind about what happened Saturday night. Who's to say if he's lying and trying to get back with her? Maybe he's telling the truth.? Maybe things are innocent now and maybe a romance will rekindle between them down the line? I don't know his ex's motives either, I don't know if she knows about me or is trying to get back with him? This is going to drive me crazy honestly. I also feel like I can't compete with his ex, they shared so much history and time together. They even had shared a baby that she miscarried together so they have a lot of baggage together. I don't know if I should cut my loses now before I get too deep because I feel deep down I may get hurt!

[Zahara]

I'm not sure why you had to find out through FB. You both are in a relationship -- why the lack of transparency in that you had no clue he was going to a concert and you had no clue he was going with an ex?

 

She cheated on him. And she's his best friend? BS. I have to wonder if there are still unresolved feelings there as he can't see through what could possibly still be an emotional fog to still view her as someone of that much value to him.

 

I'd be on guard. I don't think this is going to bode well for you. The fact that he never even talked to you about it is a red flag.

[mightycpa]

So this Saturday while I was working Brandon decided to go to a jazz festival with this same ex girlfriend. I know because she tagged him in pictures of them at the festival together.

You make it sound like it was a spur-of-the-moment decision. You sure about that? Or was it a date?

 

Did he see you later that day (night) and he didn't mention it? Or did you see it on FB and confront him?

 

If he didn't mention this to you, it feels shady, unless you're the totally unreasonable, jealous type, and if that's the case, maybe he just wanted to spare himself the drama and he thought he could get away with it.

 

Either way, it does seem like an issue, but if I were you, I'd want to know which issue I was dealing with.

[d0nnivain]

This isn't a red flag -- it's the black & white checkered flag -- this is over.

 

 

Adding an EX who miscarried your baby on FB now, while you are in a new relationship, is not cool. I would tell him to make a choice you or her. Know he's going to pick her & walk away. You were the rebound, sorry.

[smackie9]

I would just pack my tent up and move on.

 

Me personally would never date someone who had that kind of mindset. What he did is selfish and totally disrespectful. I give him an Fail.

[Space Ritual]

Sorry OP,

 

They were out of contact, then she came back into the picture and now is giving you the "Platonic" spiel?

 

And on top of it she miscarried a baby with him? AND you found about all of this on Facebook and you are not even sure if she knows about you?

 

Oh dear...

 

Look, people around here will tell you I am a cretin of Master Class conducting level and even I wouldn't do that to somebody I was dating.

 

The sentimental vomit these two have to spend time waxing poetically about at a Festival is bad enough. Presenting this to you as a Fait Accompli in which it has already been decided without your knowledge or input is actually a blessing in disguise and I'll tell you why.

 

1. He is full of crap. he never got over her, and they are ex lovers and not best friends. You don't bang your best friends...ever. So that's lie 1.

2. He is showing you EXACTLY who he is. He is the kind to ask for forgiveness rather than permission...and people like that are NOT to ever be trusted..Ever..Ever..Ever

3. The summer is just starting....You'll be working weekends,and she'll just happen to be around when you aren't so they can do the newfound "Bestie" thing of going to other having "Endless Summer" festivals and rolls in the hay while you are at work...and he has a ready excuse..."Well, you were working, and she is my best friend...so..."

 

Now you know why you gotta bail on the Doofus.

 

I am very sorry if I am coming off as harsh, but stories like this anger me to no end, and frankly I am angry FOR YOU.

 

I am trying to impress upon you that this guy is so full of crap his teeth are floating and this girl is riding a Unicorn on a rainbow and farting fairy dust and you will soon be cast aside physically just as much as you have been emotionally.

 

I urge you to refuse to accept such treatment and release your boyfriend to his summer of smelling fairy dust farts and make him insignificant. You simply cannot compete with their shared past, and it is even more sad that you had no idea you were supposed to. I'm very sorry, but run from this jackwagon as fast as you can, don't look back and begin to heal.

 

No one and I mean NO ONE deserves to be treated the way you are being treated...He is showing you exactly who he is. Believe him and Run Girl...RUN!!!

 

Please take care of Numero Uno...you:)

[ExpatInItaly]

Welp, you've just discovered your boyfriend still has feelings for his ex. And he didn't even have the stones to tell you himself he "decided" to attend a festival with his ex - he lied by omission so you could find out through social media. How lovely.

 

It's over. If you don't end it, sooner or late he will. They're almost surely on the track to "trying again."

[lericenciel]

It's sad. You helped him grieve and get over his ex. His eyes and focus should all be on only you. He is compromising your relationship and disrespecting you. He cannot have both if it makes you feel bad. He needs to prioritise you in this situation and listen to why it makes you feel terrible. He needs to make it right.

 

If he values his past more than the present he shares with you now, it is time for you to let him go. Often people don't know why they do certain things until they've done them and reflected. Maybe I think that your boyfriend hasn't been able to keep his emotions in check.

 

I've had a very similar problem that I wrote about. I got very good advice from the posters here. Give it a read.

[misspalmy]

you just need to trust him, it would be a red flag to me

[Rach_and_roll]

So I'll try to make a long story short and I need opinions because I'm confused. So I've been talking this this guy (We'll Just call him Brandon) for about a year and some months. When I first met him he recently had gotten out of a relationship with a girl he was seeing for 3 years. He basically found out his girlfriend cheated on him and he was hurt and dumped her with no contact 5 months prior to when we met. Me and Brandon started out as friends and for months we were cool and just kicking it together. Things slowly got heavier between us and we started dating. We actually made things official with each other back in February and things have been fine. He stopped bringing up his ex earlier when we first started talking and I felt he was finally getting over her.

 

I started a new job a couple of weeks ago and I work weekends which was the only time we really got to see one another. I've been trying to work around my time so we could hang out more. Brandon and I are friends on facebook. So this Saturday while I was working Brandon decided to go to a jazz festival with this same ex girlfriend. I know because she tagged him in pictures of them at the festival together. He recently added her as a friend on facebook. I know what she looks like because he's shown me pics of her when we first started talking. So I confronted Brandon about it and he basically told me that he wants to be friends with his ex. He tried to assure me that his feelings for her are no longer there and that things are strictly platonic between them. That they have history together and she was basically his best friend even though they fought a lot they mesh better together as friends as he put it. I tried to play it cool about his decision.

 

He's been a good boyfriend this far and he never gave me a reason to doubt him but I'm very insecure about this. I really don't like the fact of them spending time together even if he's being honest because so many different scenarios are running through my mind about what happened Saturday night. Who's to say if he's lying and trying to get back with her? Maybe he's telling the truth.? Maybe things are innocent now and maybe a romance will rekindle between them down the line? I don't know his ex's motives either, I don't know if she knows about me or is trying to get back with him? This is going to drive me crazy honestly. I also feel like I can't compete with his ex, they shared so much history and time together. They even had shared a baby that she miscarried together so they have a lot of baggage together. I don't know if I should cut my loses now before I get too deep because I feel deep down I may get hurt!

 

Thats a dificult situation, im glad he was transparent but wish it wasnt after the fact. If he would have told you before the festival and you didnt find out through FB it wouldnt be that big of an issue and you guys could have had a long talk. This is a your decision kind of deal, i dont see a clear anwser but the question i think to ask is what are the red flags, what are the possible outcomes, how much do you like him and how much are you willing to risk potential issues in this area. good luck. im rooting for ya.

[LedHead21]

you said you've been talking for a year and some months, are you guys serious? If you don't love this man, I would move on for your sanity. There's enough attachment there to be dishonest from the get go, you'll only suffer more at the hands on their dysfunction.

[PegNosePete]

I would dump him so fast, I'd have to FedEx his own shadow back to him.

 

If he wanted to be platonic friends with his ex then he should have brought it up with you BEFORE going on this, well for lack of a better word, date with her.

 

And she should be a friend of both of you, not just his secret friend that he goes off to visit without telling you.

 

So NO, this would NOT be OK with me and it's such a huge disrespect and red flag that it is an insta dumping offence. Do not pass go, do not collect £200.

[Friskyone4u]

This isn't a red flag -- it's the black & white checkered flag -- this is over.

 

 

Adding an EX who miscarried your baby on FB now, while you are in a new relationship, is not cool. I would tell him to make a choice you or her. Know he's going to pick her & walk away. You were the rebound, sorry.

 

Time to forget the name "Brandon" and get a new boyfriend. Wonder how "Brandon" would feel about you hanging out alone and going places while he was at work with you last sex partner.

 

This red flag is worthy of being displayed at a bull fight. Get rid of this idiot.

[central]

Well, the lack of openness and transparency upfront is certainly a cautionary flag. On the other hand, I remained friends with some formerly serious lovers, and so has my wife, so it's certainly possible without there having to be issues. I won't speculate on their motivations in your situation - you'll have to decide for yourself.

[Maggie4]

No, this is not ok. It is not cool, so don't be a part of this stupid arrangement.