Problems with a friends husband

[EM2324]

I need advice. I have this old best friend, we have been friends for 8 years. She got a boyfriend and married 3-4 years ago.

 

Me and my friend had a falling out around the same time they were dating in 2013. I felt replaced by him and I was immature back then. He only knows her side of the story. He witnessed her crying from me back then. I said sorry, we worked it out and everything was fixed between us.

 

They eventually moved out of state once married in 2014. I've only met the guy 4 times so I don't really know him. Since 2015, there have been no fights between me and the friend. I've grown up and realized my mistakes from the past, so has she. We are working on getting back to being best friends.

 

They visit here every now and then(twice a year). I told her I'd like to visit her place and she agreed. However, the husband is having a problem with it. He says he isn't comfortable with me visiting on my own and says to bring a friend. I would've liked to go by myself so it would help us become closer friends and I never see her but he still insists on bringing someone. He says he's worried I will start something with my friend due to the past(2013) even though my friend has told him I have changed.

 

Also, my friend hasn't added me on social media for over a year. She says it is because of her husband. She says he is iffy about us being close again even though both of us want to be close again. She has tried telling her husband the positives of our friendship but still nothing.

 

Thoughts about the husband's behavior and how should I handle this? I did find a friend as a last resort but it's not really something I'm happy with as it loses the main point of the trip.

Edited May 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[d0nnivain]

Go on your own but stay in a nearby hotel. Spend time with them but have a place to retreat. Give the husband a chance to see that you have changed. Perhaps do a dinner with the couple then something girly with just your friend.

[preraph]

I am surprised he's invited you into the home honestly, if he knows what all went on. But I also understand about being replaced by a bf. That is really weak of a woman to not be able to have a girlfriend and a boyfriend at the same time! So he was probably partly to blame for that, which is why I am surprised he's letting you stay there, but not sure what possible reason he thinks having another friend there will solve something.

 

I agree with Donnivain -- if you can afford it stay in a hotel. If you can't afford it, only stay a night or two and go do something out on your own to give them some alone time. It MIGHT be that he is afraid you will want them to go do everything with you and he doesn't feel like it nor feel like letting his wife go on her own (which the latter isn't right). So before you even go, tell them you plan to get out of the house and give them some space one evening when they're both home, and just go out to eat or shopping or something without anyone having to escort you.

Edited May 31, 2017 by preraph

[EM2324]

Go on your own but stay in a nearby hotel. Spend time with them but have a place to retreat. Give the husband a chance to see that you have changed. Perhaps do a dinner with the couple then something girly with just your friend.

 

I am surprised he's invited you into the home honestly, if he knows what all went on. But I also understand about being replaced by a bf. That is really weak of a woman to not be able to have a girlfriend and a boyfriend at the same time! So he was probably partly to blame for that, which is why I am surprised he's letting you stay there, but not sure what possible reason he thinks having another friend there will solve something.

 

I agree with Donnivain -- if you can afford it stay in a hotel. If you can't afford it, only stay a night or two and go do something out on your own to give them some alone time. It MIGHT be that he is afraid you will want them to go do everything with you and he doesn't feel like it nor feel like letting his wife go on her own (which the latter isn't right). So before you even go, tell them you plan to get out of the house and give them some space one evening when they're both home, and just go out to eat or shopping or something without anyone having to escort you.

 

He won't let me visit at all without a friend there, even at a hotel. My friend asked her husband if we can do 3 way video chat to talk it out last night and he said he's "not ok with" videochatting. He has no idea about me being replaced, my friend years ago wouldn't let me talk to him to tell him my side. I've literally only seen the guy 4 times in my life. Other than that, no talking to him, no hanging out with him, nothing.

 

He has told my friend he's worried something bad will happen if I'm there myself even though we've been fine for years now.

[d0nnivain]

He sounds unhinged. Championing your spouse is one thing. Demanding that you show up with a friend is just odd.

[Grumpybutfun]

Look, all I know is that any man who hurt my wife by thinking he had been replaced by me, her husband, is probably out for something more than friendship. You didn't appreciate her as a friend but felt "friend zoned" so I'm not going to allow you to create drama in my home. Regardless of your intentions, you don't get close to my sweet wife who trusts unceremoniously. He is doing the right thing by not inviting trouble into their home or marriage. In my opinion, he is being too cavalier by allowing you to come to their home at all. I don't trust just because you say you changed your intent. This is his family he is supposed to protect.

Respect his boundaries,

G

Edited May 31, 2017 by Grumpybutfun

[preraph]

He doesn't trust his wife to make her own decisions and thinks you will make her do something bad, so I'm afraid you were right about him. I wouldn't even go at all. it will just be miserable for all of you. Don't go. She can't see people apparently.

[MidwestUSA]

Look, all I know is that any man who hurt my wife by thinking he had been replaced by me, her husband, is probably out for something more than friendship. You didn't appreciate her as a friend but felt "friend zoned" so I'm not going to allow you to create drama in my home. Regardless of your intentions, you don't get close to my sweet wife who trusts unceremoniously. He is doing the right thing by not inviting trouble into their home or marriage. In my opinion, he is being too cavalier by allowing you to come to their home at all. I don't trust just because you say you changed your intent. This is his family he is supposed to protect.

Respect his boundaries,

G

 

Two posters have answered as if the OP is a woman, you're posting as if he/she is a man.

 

OP, it would really help to know!

[whichwayisup]

Two posters have answered as if the OP is a woman, you're posting as if he/she is a man.

 

OP, it would really help to know!

 

If the OP is a woman then the husband needs to stay out of it and allow these two women to work it out and re bond. Also he needs to give her another chance, get to know her again, learn how to trust again and let the past be in the past.

 

If the OP is a man, forget it. That ship has sailed. Not many husband's are going to like their wives having friendships with men who hurt them and made them cry, especially if the guy had a crush or feelings involved.

[Zip Silver]

Hubby sounds a bit controlling but it's up to your friend whether she wants to abide by his wishes or not, she's a grown woman. Have you considered that perhaps it's her who doesn't want you to go alone, and she's using her husband'a view as a convenient excuse?

 

Honestly the fact that you're so against taking a friend is ringing alarm bells for me, it seems a little clingy that you are so determined to get one on one time with her. Most people visiting long term friends are happy to go catch up, see their family, involve others. It comes across a little dramatic that you see it as so essential that it's just the two of you.

 

2013 isn't that long ago, if you were concerned you were being replaced by him and had all this drama back then he saw hurting his wife I can see why he isn't keen on you. Like other posters have said though, whether you're a guy or woman really matters here. I'd think the husband was being a bit more unreasonable if you're female.

 

Either way, these are the terms of the trip your friend has set out, taking into consideration her husband's wishes. Perhaps if you go, keep it light, have a nice time etc you'll be able to demonstrate you've grown up and open the door to future visits.

[EM2324]

Hubby sounds a bit controlling but it's up to your friend whether she wants to abide by his wishes or not, she's a grown woman. Have you considered that perhaps it's her who doesn't want you to go alone, and she's using her husband'a view as a convenient excuse?

 

Honestly the fact that you're so against taking a friend is ringing alarm bells for me, it seems a little clingy that you are so determined to get one on one time with her. Most people visiting long term friends are happy to go catch up, see their family, involve others. It comes across a little dramatic that you see it as so essential that it's just the two of you.

 

2013 isn't that long ago, if you were concerned you were being replaced by him and had all this drama back then he saw hurting his wife I can see why he isn't keen on you. Like other posters have said though, whether you're a guy or woman really matters here. I'd think the husband was being a bit more unreasonable if you're female.

 

Either way, these are the terms of the trip your friend has set out, taking into consideration her husband's wishes. Perhaps if you go, keep it light, have a nice time etc you'll be able to demonstrate you've grown up and open the door to future visits.

 

I am a female. She was fine with me going myself. It was after she talked to him that she changed it to coming with a friend. Reasons why I wanted to go myself? Because we haven't had a regular one-on-one hangout in 4 years since she is so far away. I feel it's more personal than a group setting where I am quiet. If she lived here and I got to see her all the time, I wouldn't care what type of hangout it is.

 

I have asked friends to go with me and they all don't understand why I can't just go on my own and find the whole thing with him odd.

[Grumpybutfun]

Two posters have answered as if the OP is a woman, you're posting as if he/she is a man.

 

OP, it would really help to know!

 

Yes, assumed the poster was a man based on the words replace and that her husband wanted him to bring a friend to offset his wife being alone with another man.

As it is a woman, the husband needs to stay out of the drama.

G

Edited June 2, 2017 by Grumpybutfun

[preraph]

He's a controlling isolating type guy which is not good. I had a really close exroommate friend who ended up marrying a guy who was jealous of her friends and he made it miserable for her each time I came to town and wanted to see her, which was maybe once or twice a year. So it was just an ordeal for her. She'd made her choice to stay with him, so she finally just cut me completely out of her life, but how she did it was tried to find some way it was my fault, but I was the same as I'd always been. She ended up divorcing him and her dad told me when I called him since I hadn't heard from her forever that she was probably embarrassed about the divorce.

 

But the reality of visiting her was that she would end up ruining the evening by having to talk to him on the phone and then him causing enough trouble to where she would just shut it down and go home to end the carnage. It just isn't worth it. Why give them yourself to blame when things go south? It's not worth it.

[EM2324]

He's a controlling isolating type guy which is not good. I had a really close exroommate friend who ended up marrying a guy who was jealous of her friends and he made it miserable for her each time I came to town and wanted to see her, which was maybe once or twice a year. So it was just an ordeal for her. She'd made her choice to stay with him, so she finally just cut me completely out of her life, but how she did it was tried to find some way it was my fault, but I was the same as I'd always been. She ended up divorcing him and her dad told me when I called him since I hadn't heard from her forever that she was probably embarrassed about the divorce.

 

But the reality of visiting her was that she would end up ruining the evening by having to talk to him on the phone and then him causing enough trouble to where she would just shut it down and go home to end the carnage. It just isn't worth it. Why give them yourself to blame when things go south? It's not worth it.

 

This sounds similar to my situation(your exroommate) except he is fine with anyone else visiting. She's been saying I'm causing her stress about the trip when I have tried explaining it is him saying what he wants. I have said I feel he is causing a rift in our friendship and she says no he's not, that it's me causing everything. And she doesn't want to fight with him about just having me.

[CC12]

Are you a straight female? The only way his behavior makes any sense is if you have had romantic feelings for your friend. Then I could see why he wouldn't want you two spending time alone together.

 

If you've only cared for your friend in a platonic way, then his request is ridiculous and so is the fact that she's going along with it. Like if he thought you were so terrible and hurtful, why "let" her see you at all? You can still be terrible to her with another friend there. Have you been given an explanation for his demands?

[anika99]

Either her husband is a domineering control freak or you have left out a big part of the story. When you had problems in your friendship a few years ago did you go batsh*t crazy? Did you stalk her? Did you threaten her in anyway? If not and you just had some normal type of spat with her then perhaps your perception of her husband was always correct and he was trying to replace you and end your friendship all along.

 

Frankly I think I wouldn't even bother visiting her at all. It's not worth the drama and the stress. You can be distant friends who speak from time to time but if you want a best friend it can't be her because he will always be hovering over your friendship waiting to pounce on you at the first sign of trouble. If you ever have any kind of minor disagreement with her and she so much as even mentions it to her husband he will go on the attack against you and you'll be right back to square one.

[preraph]

This sounds similar to my situation(your exroommate) except he is fine with anyone else visiting. She's been saying I'm causing her stress about the trip when I have tried explaining it is him saying what he wants. I have said I feel he is causing a rift in our friendship and she says no he's not, that it's me causing everything. And she doesn't want to fight with him about just having me.

 

Well, she's just obeying his command, and I'm afraid there is no friend left to salvage her until this relationship goes boom, and I hope it does.

 

Do NOT go there. It will only be miserable and they will both blame you and it will not be fun because he is NOT going to let her go do anything or be out of his eyesight. Tell her forget it, it's not worth it.

 

If you know her parents well, I would let them know he's not allowing her to have friends, but aFTER you cancel the trip, not before where you'd have a motive for them to question. Because isolating someone like that is abuse and she's going along with it when it will probably only get worse.

Edited June 3, 2017 by preraph