1974mom Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 5 weeks ago my husband decided not to come home from work. He hasn't been back. He didn't take anything but the clothes on his back. He hasn't seen our kids, doesn't call them. He sends a text every other day or so telling them he loves them. They have stopped responding. He really hasn't spoken to me or if he does he blames me for everything. He won't pay any bills or any support. I have been left to deal with everything. Today he text me and said don't contact him again to have my lawyer contact his and gave me a number. I called his lawyer and he didn't seem to know who I was or what I was talking about and that he would check his notes and get back to me. This afternoon the lawyer says he still isn't sure what is going on I guess my husband had a consultation with him but that's it. He said He would call my husband and find out what's going on. A couple hours later my husband text me and says "you're a joke go call my lawyer again like he said he just won't deal with you" I am at a loss of what to do I have been left with all the responsibility, all the bills, heartbroken teenagers and my own heart broken. I can't afford a lawyer but make too much for legal aid. If he has a lawyer and I don't does that mean I speak to his lawyer? What can I do? I go from being so sad and heartbroken to so angry. Link to post Share on other sites
rushed Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Are you in the US? Look up the site for your local courthouse. It should show hours where you can go in and someone will help you fill out paperwork to get a divorce started. From what I remember, once the divorce has gone through they will use that date to determine how far back to go for child support and/or alimony. I'm sorry you're going through this. That was a really terrible thing he did you all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 What on earth is your husband thinking? Is he having an affair? Was there some enormous marital or personal problem that caused him to behave this way? I don't believe you can speak directly to his lawyer. You have to get your own attorney. I know the cost is scary but if your husband makes a lot more money than you do he may very well be required to pay your legal fees. Don't wait another minute. Set up an appointment right away for a free consultation. A lawyer will let you know better what you are facing and what you are entitled to. Your husband wants to screw you over so must get yourself a lawyer ASAP 3 Link to post Share on other sites
The_Onceler Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Wow - that is TERRIBLE. I am so sorry about what you are going through. I think that you *can* speak to his attorney directly, but any lawyer (even your husbands attorney) will probably counsel you against doing so. You can of course represent yourself, but that is probably not a good idea. I guess the first thing you need to determine is what outcome you are hoping for. You may have to take drastically different steps if you want to reconcile versus if you want to cut him loose. It sounds like you are in bad financial straits regardless, due to his having withdrawn support. I think you can go to family court and fast track a custody/child support/alimony agreement. This is going to have to happen, unless you reconcile, so you might as well go sooner rather than later. Of course, support payments are usually demanded from the date he left, so you might get the same amount in the end, but if you wait longer to start, then you wait longer for support to start rolling in. The whole episode makes me wonder if he is suffering from some psychological break. Does he have a condition? It seems unusual in the extreme to go to work one day and then simply not return. Also, there is likely another woman (or man?) in the picture. Have you considered that possibility? Most attorneys will offer a free consultation, and while the consult may not be terribly informative, it really can't hurt. I'd say, start there. Best of luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1974mom Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 I feel that it is a psychological issue. The same day his doctor told him he was suffering panic attacks (Not a heart attack like he thought). I don't think it's an affair. We have discussed numerous times that he is probably bi-polar. I am just at a loss. I don't know who he is. I am angry and hurt but still worry and love him. I do not have thousands of dollars for a lawyer . I have to figure out how to keep a roof over our kids head. And if I try myself I risk losing my kids. My kids are a mess and I try hard to be strong for them while I myself am falling apart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 There are lawyers who will work pro-Bono. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1974mom Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 Any idea on how I find one of those? I did call and schedule an appt with a lawyer late this afternoon but even that isn't free. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Google "find pro bono lawyers " + your state Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 You need to file for an emergency order of support. Not sure if you need a lawyer for that or if you can do it yourself at courthouse. Sounds mid life crisisy. What a jerk. I'm sorry this is happening to you and your kids. Be prepared, your kids may never forgive him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 I would say that it may well be a mental health crisis... Regardless, you must take care of yourself and your children. I don't have any advice to offer except to tell you that my heart breaks for you and your children. Stay strong! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 You call a family attorney and ask how to handle you needing a lawyer but him having all the money. The main issue will be if HE has enough money for a lawyer because in the settlement, if he has all the money, he will pay for both attorneys or part might come out of your settlement say if there's a home sale or whatever. But there will be a way, so call an attorney. He's being really weird acting the way he is. I'm sorry the kids are knowing too much about what is going on because this is adult business and if a judge finds out either of you is confiding in the kids about this adult business, he will fault you for that, so be careful about that type thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 File a missing person report? You at least need to put it on record somewhere that he has abandoned the family. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 File a missing person report? You at least need to put it on record somewhere that he has abandoned the family. He's in touch with the kids But this does count as abandonment as far as custody goes--it's an advantage for you. Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 I feel that it is a psychological issue. The same day his doctor told him he was suffering panic attacks (Not a heart attack like he thought).. You know him better than anyone on this forum. I wonder if it's something that will just sort itself out. Ignore him and wait for him to come home. If it's mental health issue there is no way this came out of the blue. This has been brewing for a long time. Mental health issue can get treated with meds. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 But this does count as abandonment as far as custody goes--it's an advantage for you. In my state they have to be gone a year before it qualifies as abandonment. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Did the attorney help? Do you have any relatives, parents, siblings, his parents? Grandparents are not going to let the grandkids suffer. I am sorry you are having this horrible experience, but there is help around. Hope you do have some relative to help you and your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1974mom Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 You need to file for an emergency order of support. Not sure if you need a lawyer for that or if you can do it yourself at courthouse. Sounds mid life crisisy. What a jerk. I'm sorry this is happening to you and your kids. Be prepared, your kids may never forgive him They say they won't forgive him. I do tell them they will one day he is still their dad but they are adamant. At first they begged him to come home and he told them no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1974mom Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 Did the attorney help? Do you have any relatives, parents, siblings, his parents? Grandparents are not going to let the grandkids suffer. I am sorry you are having this horrible experience, but there is help around. Hope you do have some relative to help you and your kids. Sorry I meant late yesterday afternoon I called an attorney. My appt is tomorrow. My parents have passed away years ago. My sister wants us to move in with her. My kids say they don't want to. In the fall the youngest will be a junior and the middle kid will be a senior. They are very involved in sports and school and do not want to change schools so close to graduating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1974mom Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 You call a family attorney and ask how to handle you needing a lawyer but him having all the money. The main issue will be if HE has enough money for a lawyer because in the settlement, if he has all the money, he will pay for both attorneys or part might come out of your settlement say if there's a home sale or whatever. But there will be a way, so call an attorney. He's being really weird acting the way he is. I'm sorry the kids are knowing too much about what is going on because this is adult business and if a judge finds out either of you is confiding in the kids about this adult business, he will fault you for that, so be careful about that type thing. Just wanted to say they aren't little kids they are teenagers. About to be 16 and 17 next week and oldest is 19. I know not to confide in them but they are smart kids and know more than they should. He has also sent them some horrible text with to much info and talking badly to him. They have all been printed out 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 I'm so glad you called an attorney. I do think maybe your husband has something mental going on. Maybe as his wife you can talk to the attorney about even forcing him to get evaluated and treated. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 Ugh. I'm sorry about the kids. Quick backstory. My kids are 16 and 14. When h had an affair they found out (thru friends!!! Ugh). H ended up leaving for awhile and cut off contact with everyone "to figure himself out". Whatever, he was with the Ow and they knew it . Kids were mean to him. Completely. When he did ask to see them they were like "If you want To see us then you can come live here and see us" Long story short, he's back we are 8 mos into reconciliation. Son (14) gets along with dad and things are nice but when normal teen arguments occur and H tells him he needs to respect his parents, son pulls the affair card. My 16 year old just acts like he doesn't exist . It's really sad. Just continue to hold your head high and don't let them see you break down. Don't say anything bad about him. Other than that he's on his own I hope you get it figured out Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1974mom Posted June 1, 2017 Author Share Posted June 1, 2017 Ugh. I'm sorry about the kids. Quick backstory. My kids are 16 and 14. When h had an affair they found out (thru friends!!! Ugh). H ended up leaving for awhile and cut off contact with everyone "to figure himself out". Whatever, he was with the Ow and they knew it . Kids were mean to him. Completely. When he did ask to see them they were like "If you want To see us then you can come live here and see us" Long story short, he's back we are 8 mos into reconciliation. Son (14) gets along with dad and things are nice but when normal teen arguments occur and H tells him he needs to respect his parents, son pulls the affair card. My 16 year old just acts like he doesn't exist . It's really sad. Just continue to hold your head high and don't let them see you break down. Don't say anything bad about him. Other than that he's on his own I hope you get it figured out My about to the 16 year old says that she is more stubborn then him. She has alot of jealousy with how he treats 19 year old daughter (she isn't biologically his). The 19 year has talked to him some but hasn't seen him either. And twice in the last week he let her down big time. Tonight she broke down in tears which she is not a crier . I miss him terribly but honestly don't think I even want him back. What he has done i don't know that i could forgive. And I know my house would be uncomfortable with the way the kids feel. It just sucks being lonely. Especially after 18 years. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 They say they won't forgive him. I do tell them they will one day he is still their dad but they are adamant. At first they begged him to come home and he told them no. Don't tell them they will eventually forgive him - some kids don't/won't - and that's their perogative. Where is he staying? Follow him when he leaves work. An attorney or ask at the courthouse for an emergency order from the judge! One can usually be seen in front of the judge within 24 hours if you give reasons that are pertinent. Your situation is an emergency because you need the judge to order support money to be paid immediately so the family can have housing and food. Make sure it's presented as urgent! Ask for support money to come to you directly from his employer. It can be deposited directly into your bank account on his payday - making delays less likely. The help desk at the courthouse may be a great resource you can access immediately. Go check with them. Be sure and file for spousal support as well as child support! Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1974mom Posted June 1, 2017 Author Share Posted June 1, 2017 I'm so glad you called an attorney. I do think maybe your husband has something mental going on. Maybe as his wife you can talk to the attorney about even forcing him to get evaluated and treated. He won't get treated. Even though the doctor told him he needed to see a psychiatrist and stop letting his emotions control him. He is a firm believer he can handle everything himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1974mom Posted June 1, 2017 Author Share Posted June 1, 2017 Don't tell them they will eventually forgive him - some kids don't/won't - and that's their perogative. Where is he staying? Follow him when he leaves work. An attorney or ask at the courthouse for an emergency order from the judge! One can usually be seen in front of the judge within 24 hours if you give reasons that are pertinent. Your situation is an emergency because you need the judge to order support money to be paid immediately so the family can have housing and food. Make sure it's presented as urgent! Ask for support money to come to you directly from his employer. It can be deposited directly into your bank account on his payday - making delays less likely. The help desk at the courthouse may be a great resource you can access immediately. Go check with them. Be sure and file for spousal support as well as child support! It is there prerogative. I just hate how good of a dad he was and now he is like this. No idea where he is staying. From what I hear it's couch to couch to couch wherever he ends up. He works over an hour away. I couldn't follow him. I work. Thank you for the advice I hope something can be done quickly. I see an attorney tomorrow. But I know it will be more than i can afford. Link to post Share on other sites
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