Mom lying for teenage sister in risky situation

[SameMistakes]

I'm looking for some insight and thoughts on a complicated parent-sibling-sibling relationship that I'm worried is headed down a destructive path.

 

I'm the oldest of four children: myself, 31, sister, 29, brother, 21, and youngest sister who is 17, who we can call G. With the age gap, my relationship with my youngest two siblings has always been in flux and I'm often somewhere between being a parent and being a sibling. Us older two often joke about the younger two being "our kids" and my parents often relied on the two of us growing up for A LOT of babysitting and other responsibilities. Over the years, some of the "softer" parenting skills have also fallen to us – things like giving advice, lending a shoulder to cry on, taking them on vacations, buying school clothes – sometimes we have taken on these roles in place of, rather than beside of, my parents. It certainly has blurred the lines and complicated the family dynamic. The youngest two often listen to and respect me more than my parents, who have become more and more lax in their discipline and expectation of even a baseline level of respect.

 

Recently, the relationship between my mother and G has taken a strange turn. My mother has absolutely no ability to say no to her and my dad defers to my mom in all things in order to not rock the boat. This is not a sibling rivalry, "when I was your age" kind of thing. My mom cannot even say no to G putting herself into highly inappropriate, even dangerous situations. She lies for G to my dad and to the rest of the siblings to cover up for things like G going to visit her college-age ex-boyfriend and his brother alone in a city three hours away. And it's not just that she covers for her...she actively makes up lies to tell the rest of us on G's behalf. It feels like she is not just allowing but purposely putting G into these situations, of which there have been several, often involving the opposite sex.

 

Both of my parents come from abusive childhoods – my dad from a physically abusive one and my mom was sexually abused by family members throughout her adolescent years. I cannot describe how confused and at a loss I am for these behaviors now, especially since it seems like the two of them should know better than most. It honestly feels like my mother is purposely putting G into risky situations just to see what happens.

 

My question is, what can I do? I tried to railroad a similar situation this past weekend when I was home with my parents. G wanted to go to the beach to meet up with a couple of (guy) friends from high school. After much arguing (and interfering on my part), my parents agreed to let her go with the caveat that she'd stay overnight with my uncle, who was close by. I learned the next morning that at some point my mom (behind even my dad's back) gave G permission to stay with her friends instead. I can't prove it entirely, but have a strong suspicion that my mother actually orchestrated the whole thing by calling my uncle and changing the plans, unsolicited by G.

 

I know that my parents have the ultimate say, but I am really struggling with whether I should let this go and, if I should, how to let it go. I can't help but imagine something terrible happening and knowing that I could have done something and didn't do everything I could. At the same time, it is emotionally exhausting and my strong, stubborn stance doesn't seem to have made an ounce of difference, as this past weekend shows. I would really appreciate any thoughts or insights on this one, LS.

[d0nnivain]

You are the sibling, not the parent. If it's not serious enough to merit interference by child protective services, let it go. Defer to your parents' judgment (or lack thereof) As one last ditch effort you might talk to mom alone about your concerns but I think this ship has sailed & G will continue to do whatever her little teenaged heart wants.

[basil67]

My daughter is the same age as your sister and frequently stays overnight with mixed gender friends or with her boyfriend. Yes, there might be a bit of alcohol or weed, but I really don't think it's at all unusual for her age.

 

Unless there's stuff about these friends you've neglected to tell us, I think you're being over protective of her.

[salparadise]

Yea, as others have said, there probably isn't anything you can do. You should remove yourself from the equation as much as possible and preserve the family structure. Don't try to undermine or usurp your parents. Be a good daughter, be a good sister.

 

G is only months away from the age of majority, and mostly beyond the point of being controllable by edict. Whatever she hasn't learned thus far through effective parenting, whatever values haven't been instilled, are things she will have to learn the hard way by suffering consequences. That's just how life works.

 

I appreciate that you're concerned, but trying to step into the middle and change everything is just going to create a lot of drama and destabilize relationships. You will be able to help G more by being her sister-friend-confidant than trying to mother her. Be the person she can turn to and rely on, and support her other relationships (don't bad-mouth mother). This is the best you can do. If you can't deal with it, move farther away and focus on making a life for yourself.

[amaysngrace]

I think you need to let it go. Is she going off to college next year? Even if she's not she is at the age to.

 

You may have an unhealthy attachment to your sister because you feel as though you raised her. You aren't her parent though.

 

Why the need to lie? Could it be your reaction that they're hiding the truth from?

[SameMistakes]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I do realize that part of my struggle is in letting go – not letting go of control, which I honestly have no desire to have, but letting go of the fear that something bad will happen and I won't be able to live with the consequences. I have voiced my concerns to my parents and let my sister know that she can talk to me about anything judgment-free.

 

I don't mean to come across as a prude or to suggest that my teenage sister not have male friends or drink or party or any number of "typical teenage" activities. But I am having trouble reconciling my views about parental responsibilities with the behaviors I see from my parents, specifically my mother's lying.

 

"Why the need to lie?" I think that was rhetorical, but it's genuinely something that I don't understand. My mother is a compulsive liar and her lies started (or I became aware of them) when G was still a toddler. Lying on behalf of G to the rest of the family has been an ongoing trend since G was at least 12 – unsolicited, unnecessary lies to cover up questionable parenting decisions – long before I ever started trying to butt in.

 

If my mother had put her foot down and truthfully made her decision, I would respect that (believe it or not). These aren't lies to spare a confrontation, they are lies for the sake of lying – for the sake of deceit and conspiring and pulling one over on the rest of the family.