Kcame30 Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) How would you handle a verbally abusive partner? Three*strikes and*you're out? Counseling? What if the abuse escalated to physical abuse?* My ex wants me to come back to make it work between us. He said he will start counseling this week at a local church to make it work. His verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse. I ended up in a domestic abusive situation and I ended it a.s.a.p. He believes I should forgive him because he showers me with gifts, attention and kindness. If there is a disagreement, if I do something wrong or behave in a way that he dislikes. He criticizes and belittle me. Sometimes call me names out of anger. He would compare to an ex or ex's*who will never behave the way I do. He thinks I'm overreacting when I defend myself or when I demand respect. * He calls me crazy for not wanting to be with him because he spoils me and smothers me with kindness. For a year I've dealt with this roller coaster of a ride relationship. For those of you who had similar experiences or who*have known people dealing with this. What do you think is the next best step?* Does he deserve a clean slate? Or no? * * Edited June 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 No, he does NOT! No amount of attention and gifts can possibly make up for any abusive behavior. His attempt to manipulate you to go back to him is another form of abuse. Run, don't walk away as fast as possible. It would benefit you to get counseling for yourself so you'll never find yourself questioning if you should be in that kind of relationship again. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 How would you handle a verbally abusive partner? Three*strikes and*you're out? Counseling? What if the abuse escalated to physical abuse?* Zero tolerance. Why on earth are you even considering taking back a verbally and physically abusive ex? What are you thinking??? You should delete and BLOCK him from your life in every way possible. YOU need counselling to find out why you have so little self respect and self esteem, that you would in a million years consider taking back someone who treats you like this! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 No, he does not deserve a damn thing. You need counselling, OP. You need help in understanding why you don't value yourself enough to walk away and stay gone, forever. I say that without judgment, but in the sincere hope you find the help you clearly need to extricate yourself from your abuser. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 If it had only been verbal abuse & he had already been IN counseling for a significant time, I might consider taking him back. Physical abuse -- it's ONE strike & you are out. The minute he hit you, all bets were off. The cops should have been involved & you should never be speaking to him again. The gift giving is classic. It's a way to keep the cycle going. I promise if you are dumb enough to take him back there will be no counseling & you will end up in the ER. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 When it comes to verbal or physical abuse, ONE strike and you're out is my rule. Do not take him back. Do not allow any further contact with him. You should not be accepting gifts. And lastly, I wouldn't give the time of day to church counselling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 He believes you should forgive because he showers you with gifts, attention and kindness? What a joke! Typical abuser. Verbal or physical -- I'm out. I'm not sure why you're even asking. People like him don't change. And phooey on the church counseling. Move on and block this guy from your life. Start focusing on rebuilding your self-esteem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Every one of these posters have it right! Link to post Share on other sites
happyonislands Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Time will tell. Everyone deserves forgiveness and a second chance especially if he is seeking counseling. Do you have to take him back right away? Of course not. However, have you considered speaking with a counselor or local pastor that can provide some advice and insight? Good luck! I wish you all the best Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 You need to stay away, not only for your own health and happiness but that of your 11 yo son who has no doubt been negatively affected by your bf abusing you, his mother. Your bf may learn in therapy to be a better person and be a better partner for someone else, but if you return to this relationship, it is very likely the same old patterns of behaviour will return. Do you really want to wait until he starts abusing your son too? Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 No. No no no no no. And real verbal abuse frequently escalates to physical-- which is why you need to leave at the first sign of either. You can't fix his problems or expect him to change because he's showing deep rooted classic abuser tendencies. His gifts and apologies aren't real. He doesn't care about you or what you want, only that you respond in the way he desires. If that weren't the case, he wouldn't need to buy you gifts, he'd have gotten help for the abuse in the first place and never hurt you again. He also wouldn't express anger/annoyance that you're not accepting the gifts and automatically taking him back. KEEP UP THESE BOUNDARIES! His lack of complete control over you / you having boundaries is why he's complaining. I'm not sure how helpful telling you you need counseling for low self esteem is. It is likely true, and I don't at all disagree with any of the other posters here... but first it may be more helpful to recognize that you're in a toxic and probably addictive cycle before getting into the underlying reasons why you accepted that kind of situation. Either finding a counselor to help you recognize that or going once you accept it may put you in a more receptive place for healing therapy. Good luck and DON'T GO BACK. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) It's good that he's seeking help, but in my experience very few abusers ever really understand why their behaviour is so offensive, often only getting counselling when they've been cornered into it, (like when you end the relationship and they can see you mean it). An abuser is always emotionally immature and lacking in empathy for other people, and also often will have other social issues. They tend to choose kind and caring people as their partners/victims, (because only kind people will put up with their crap and keep forgiving them). I don't believe any relationship which has been abusive can ever be really repaired, and I speak from experience here, because even though you may forgive the abusers behaviour, you can't ever forget it. All abusers essentially have a weak character, bullying is always driven by feelings of inferiority and fear, and you need to ask yourself if that's what you want in a partner. Do you want a real man who will protect you, or a little boy in a man's body who you need to be protected from? I say encourage him to keep up the counselling, but drive that lesson home and flick him off. You deserve much better than an emotional retard who beats women up. PS: Abusers often shower a partner with gifts, etc, because they know that material things are all they have to offer. Don't sell out your self respect for a few gifts - I bet he won't pay for your surgery when he breaks your bones.......because the cops will be after him and he'll be too busy hiding under a bed, shaking like a leaf and pooping his pants like the sniveling little coward that he is. Edited June 1, 2017 by MsJayne 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 Don't take him back. He is offering to get counselling only to get you to go back to him. Once you go back he'll decide he doesn't need counselling anymore and go back to blaming his bad behaviour on you. Besides, men like him need at least a couple of years of counselling and sometimes they get worse before they get better but usually they just abandon counselling altogether, especially if their victim is willing to stay. It's also very typical of abusers to swing between being extremely kind, caring and generous, to being mean and abusive. The sweet behaviour is a combination of manipulation and guilty feelings, mostly it's manipulation. As the prior poster said, abusers are immature, they are severely emotionally stunted so they don't ever fully grasp the damage they do to their victims. They might get that their victim doesn't like it and will leave but they don't experience true empathy. This is evident in the way your abuser calls you crazy for not wanting to be with him anymore since he is so nice and kind to you between his episodes of abuse. He doesn't get it and that's your proof. If he had really seen the light and changed he wouldn't say such a thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
1fish2fish Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 The fact that he's telling you what you should and shouldn't do and feel shows that he still thinks he can control you. He *says* he will start counseling this week. Has he? And is the church counselor an actual licensed counselor? Having experienced church counseling firsthand, my guess is no. This isn't like pre-marital counseling, which most churches offer. This is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE which needs a professional therapy - probably for years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Counseling at a Church is laughable. He will need years of professional counselling. He may get it eventually but do you hav 20 years in front of you? The attention he's giving you is part of the cycle of abuse. Please read this webpage on the cycle of abuse. The Cycle of Domestic Violence? I spent 15 years with an abusive man and ended up 4 times in a shelter before leaving him. Like I said how many years you have to waste? After my 15 years with him he remarried and his new wife called me crying once because he was abusive, yelling, calling her names, locking her outside, taking her car away etc. He was doing it to me at 30 and there he was doing it to another woman at 50. These men don't change. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 When it comes to physical violence, it's one strike and you are out. There is no way that I would go back with this guy. I would rather live alone for the rest of my life than stay in a verbally or physically abusive relationship. Do you see a theme developing in these responses... Link to post Share on other sites
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