Told her she could kiss someone.

[DurangoCircle]

I went on a 4 month trip to Europe without my girlfriend of 5 years.

 

Before I left we decided to stay together, but during the trip we spoke on the phone and I told her that she could kiss somebody as long as it was just kissing. She seemed a little confused by this, and got kind of quiet. She said that she didn’t want to, and that she just wanted me to come home to her and that she was lonely.

 

I was hoping that she would say that I could kiss other people too, but she didn’t. I know that I love this girl and want to be with her forever, but I was also was hoping that she would be ok with me having some fun on my trip. She said that she had no interest in kissing anybody else, and that she just wanted me to come home.

 

The next time I talked to her she told me about how there were a lot a guys interested in kissing her. At that point I realized that I had told her a really stupid thing and I tried to take it back. I honestly never thought she would be interested in kissing anybody else since she has always been hinting that she wants to get married to me.

 

A few days later I sent her a very mean and rude email where I said some terrible things about her family. I was totally out of line, and I really wish I hadn't sent it.

 

I guess that night she went out with friends and had a lot to drink. Her single friends had been pushing her to kiss someone since I had said she could. She told a guy about what I had said and later in the night he grabbed her and kissed her. They made out for five minutes and then she told him that she didn’t want to be doing it, stopped, and left.

 

A few days later she picked me up at the airport and told me about what happened. She seemed sorry, but also kind of acted like I got what I asked for. Ever since this happened I have been heart broken. I haven’t always been the most faithful boyfriend, and in the past I made mistakes including kissing another girl while we were together which really hurt her. I also broke up with her for a while and then asked her to get back together which she agreed to.

 

I really feel terrible and I realize that I have made a lot of mistakes. She wants to remain together and said that she thinks that I have some growing up to do. She said that she kissed the guy because she was mad at me for the rude email and that she wanted to prove to me that she can and she will. She said that she really didn’t know where we stood and wanted to make me feel like she was feeling.

 

My first reaction was to break up with her because I feel like i was cheated on, but the more introspection that I do I feel like this is all my fault. I talked to my best friend and he thinks that she is a great girl and that I should just get over it. It makes me sick thinking about her kissing that guy, and I know that he wants to date her even though she told her friend that she has no interest in him.

 

Should I forgive her? Did she cheat?

Edited May 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[duncsvoice]

You gave her permission to cheat on you, only because you wanted to get your end away and cheat on her, guilt free.

 

I think you should be on your hands and knees begging for HER forgiveness.

[d0nnivain]

She did not cheat. You made a bad decision - telling her to kiss someone. It sounds like exactly what it was -- you wanted a hall pass then got mad when you didn't get one. When you sent that rude e-mail she did exactly what you told her to do, you silly person. Now you're mad.

 

 

All in all this whole thing screams immaturity. If you want this relationship to survive, put it past you immediately. Never think about it again & never ever make "rules" like this again.

 

 

I suspect you're young because adults don't think about breaking up simply because on partner will be away temporarily.

[Space Ritual]

I went on a 4 month trip to Europe without my girlfriend of 5 years.

 

Before I left we decided to stay together, but during the trip we spoke on the phone and I told her that she could kiss somebody as long as it was just kissing. She seemed a little confused by this, and got kind of quiet. She said that she didn’t want to, and that she just wanted me to come home to her and that she was lonely.

 

I was hoping that she would say that I could kiss other people too, but she didn’t. I know that I love this girl and want to be with her forever, but I was also was hoping that she would be ok with me having some fun on my trip. She said that she had no interest in kissing anybody else, and that she just wanted me to come home.

 

The next time I talked to her she told me about how there were a lot a guys interested in kissing her. At that point I realized that I had told her a really stupid thing and I tried to take it back. I honestly never thought she would be interested in kissing anybody else since she has always been hinting that she wants to get married to me.

 

A few days later I sent her a very mean and rude email where I said some terrible things about her family. I was totally out of line, and I really wish I hadn't sent it.

 

I guess that night she went out with friends and had a lot to drink. Her single friends had been pushing her to kiss someone since I had said she could. She told a guy about what I had said and later in the night he grabbed her and kissed her. They made out for five minutes and then she told him that she didn’t want to be doing it, stopped, and left.

 

A few days later she picked me up at the airport and told me about what happened. She seemed sorry, but also kind of acted like I got what I asked for. Ever since this happened I have been heart broken. I haven’t always been the most faithful boyfriend, and in the past I made mistakes including kissing another girl while we were together which really hurt her. I also broke up with her for a while and then asked her to get back together which she agreed to.

 

I really feel terrible and I realize that I have made a lot of mistakes. She wants to remain together and said that she thinks that I have some growing up to do. She said that she kissed the guy because she was mad at me for the rude email and that she wanted to prove to me that she can and she will. She said that she really didn’t know where we stood and wanted to make me feel like she was feeling.

 

My first reaction was to break up with her because I feel like i was cheated on, but the more introspection that I do I feel like this is all my fault. I talked to my best friend and he thinks that she is a great girl and that I should just get over it. It makes me sick thinking about her kissing that guy, and I know that he wants to date her even though she told her friend that she has no interest in him.

 

Should I forgive her? Did she cheat?

 

 

Nope, there is nothing to forgive because you relationship is over. She technically didn't cheat because you encouraged her yourself to undertake such a foolhardy course of action so you could do the same. So whether you consider infidelity or not is now a moot point. Sending mixed signals yield mixed results

 

Just like a fool an his money...a fool and his girlfriend will soon be parted.

 

Hopefully you will have learned a valuable lesson that there is always a consequence for our words and actions. You were angered after she called your bluff. Then don't call bluffs if you don't know what cards are in your own hand. I hope you don't take up Poker anytime soon, you'll get cleaned out.

[Tribble]

Wow, you're only now beginning to realise this is your fault? You said she could kiss someone, assuming (wrongly it turns out) she never would do it, just so she would return the favour that you could kiss someone, which she didn't. You tried to manipulate her into letting you have your fun, guilt free. You've cheated in the past, which hurt her, why would she agree to let you do it again??

 

Where did the email come from? Did you say horrible things about her family because you wanted to cheat and she wouldn't let you? What was your motivation for hurting her?

 

This relationship should be over. It should be her doing the dumping.

[Space Ritual]

I haven’t always been the most faithful boyfriend, and in the past I made mistakes including kissing another girl while we were together which really hurt her.

 

No, again....

 

Mistakes are making long lane changes to picking up White Bread at the store when you wanted to get Whole Wheat. Kissing other women is no mistake. It is a conscious choice you made in the past. You get no Sympathy points when you are paid back in you own currency.

[Davey L]

It looks to me as though she is the one that has behaved with maturity and integrity. Count yourself lucky that she still wants to continue the relationship and try to work on your own maturity and behaviours.

[Chi townD]

Your fault dude. You told her you would be okay with it. She was taken aback. Dude, a fantasy is a fantasy but when you bring a third person into your relationship, then someone usually ends up getting hurt. Plus, what are you telling her? In her mind, it probably told her that you don't care enough of love her enough if you were okay with handing her off to other guys.

 

Oh, and do you think kissing only happened? Doubt it. Cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as it was. Kissing was probably a full make out session with a lot of hands and groping and heavy petting if not worse. Yeah, a little bit more than a kiss don't you think? Her friends were egging her on! She could have had sex with a guy on the middle of the dance floor and there would be no way that they would tell you.

 

So, of course, she was angry and wanted to get back at you. And blameshifts everything to make it your fault. But, she's not innocent in this either. She had the power to say "no". That she was going to hold onto her self respect and not go down the revenge road. And then doesn't even really own up to what she's done.

 

I don't know, dude. I think too much damage has been done. But, that's just me.

[smackie9]

Tit for tat I say....now you had a taste of your own medicine and man o man it's very bitter ain't it. You lack empathy. You still can't see the damage you have really done to this relationship. I like how you can sluff it off that you cheated on her in the past like it shouldn't matter. YOU should be taking this to heart on how much it really hurt her, and how much it hurt her when you to told her she can go messin around.....she got quiet because she knew it wasn't about her...you wanted to mess around. Just think about that....it gutted her...you hurt her so bad, it's no wonder she got angry....she never had any desire to kiss someone else, but the sorry fact is that YOU do have a desire to. How dare you say you care for her very much when you want to go out and "have a little fun." You sir do not deserve to be with this lovely girl. You sir are mean, narcissistic, and a hypocrite. and your first reaction was to breakup with her?.....wow just wow.

[Grumpybutfun]

I think your questions have been answered. However, I think you should reflect on the fact that your instinct when apart is to be with other women. Perhaps you aren't ready for a committed relationship. There is no way in a million hells I would ever want another man touching my beautiful girl. Not enough cheap thrills in the universe for that gut punch. You find her replaceable so let her go.

Best of luck,

G

[DurangoCircle]

Thank you for all of the replies. I got a lashing and unfortunately I guess I totally deserve it. I really don't know what I was thinking. I was so focused on what I wanted and just completely took her love for granted because it had always been there.

 

Right now I have told her that I don't know if I can be with her because of what she did. We have been having a lot of long talks, and she says that she will do anything to make it work. She has been crying a lot during our long talks and she says that she is disgusted with herself for what she did. She said that she will prove to me in the future that something like this would never happen again.

 

I really can't forgive myself for what I have done. I didn't realize that I was hurting her so much. I really never thought she would do this, I wish I could go back in time and not have told her that she could kiss other guys. I think a lot of you guys are right that I got a taste of my own medicine. It makes me want to vomit thinking about her kissing that guy.

 

I think that I am going to tell her that we can remain together, because in a lot of ways this was my fault. However, if I get even the slightest inclination that something like this might happen again we are done forever.

 

I am never going to play games like this again.

[Gemma1]

 

Right now I have told her that I don't know if I can be with her because of what she did. We have been having a lot of long talks, and she says that she will do anything to make it work. She has been crying a lot during our long talks and she says that she is disgusted with herself for what she did. She said that she will prove to me in the future that something like this would never happen again.

.

 

WHAT???? This post has possibly made me the angriest of any post here.

 

She has nothing to apologize for! You should not be making her feel this way over something that YOU did wrong! I think you really want to have the upper hand in this relationship, so you are fine with letting her believe she made the mistake, and even punishing her for it. You should be doing everything you can to reassure her that you are the one who screwed up. You put her in an awful position, you treated her like dirt, all because you wanted to manipulate her into letting you cheat. You are the disgusting one. At first I thought you understood this, but this statement that I quoted really shows your true character.

 

Stop manipulating her. Admit that it was all your fault and own your screw up. Stop being so weak and desperate to have the upper hand in this relationship.

[Guildford]

This is entirely your fault and you should forgive her unconditionally. I do not understand how a couple can date for years (five in your case) and not get married. I proposed to my wife after knowing her for nine months and we have been married for almost five decades. At this time you should do one of two things. Option one: commit yourself to be faithful in all ways and propose marriage, and make it clear that it will be a monogamous marriage. Option two: dump the girl and go no contact for her sake. She wants to be in a traditional marriage and if, after five years, you cannot give her this traditional relationship, then set her free so that she can seek it elsewhere.

[Gemma1]

This is entirely your fault and you should forgive her unconditionally. I do not understand how a couple can date for years (five in your case) and not get married. I proposed to my wife after knowing her for nine months and we have been married for almost five decades. At this time you should do one of two things. Option one: commit yourself to be faithful in all ways and propose marriage, and make it clear that it will be a monogamous marriage. Option two: dump the girl and go no contact for her sake. She wants to be in a traditional marriage and if, after five years, you cannot give her this traditional relationship, then set her free so that she can seek it elsewhere.

I agree in general but I don't think we should be encouraging him to get married. This poor girl, I just wish I could shake her and talk some sense in to her.

[Popsicle]

Unbelievable. You sound like a real piece of work. I hope she smartens up and let's you go.

[Zahara]

However, if I get even the slightest inclination that something like this might happen again we are done forever.

 

Wow.

 

This coming from the guy that 1) previously made "mistakes" and kissed another girl 2) pushed his girlfriend to kiss another guy so that he could get a pass to cheat.

 

She's sitting there shouldering all the guilt and blame while you walk around with a bruised ego. This isn't love.

 

Your sense of entitlement is astounding.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Zahara

[PegNosePete]

I was hoping that she would say that I could kiss other people too

...

I honestly never thought she would be interested in kissing anybody else

Can you see how ridiculous this sounds?

 

Basically... you wanted her permission to kiss other people but you didn't want her to do the same thing.

 

You should split up with her because you're not mature enough to be in an adult relationship.

[mikeylo]

This is the most hilarious post I've read in a while !

 

How old are you ? Certainly not mature enough .

[usa1ah]

Unreal, YOU told her to kiss someone else so you could.

 

You can't be serious about asking if she cheated. NO she didn't, you gave her permission to do this. She did after you hit her upside the head with the email.

 

Grow up. You wanted to "have fun" on your trip remember.

 

She did not cheat and honestly you are being a child about the whole thing. Sounds like she cares more for you then you her. You made this mess, now you clean it up. She is not at fault.

[usa1ah]

You just don't get it do you.

 

You pushed her into this and now you are making her feel like it is her fault. That SHE needs to prove herself. She needs to prove nothing. YOU need her forgiveness for putting her in this position.

[sandylee1]

I have to wonder why she still wants to be with you.

 

The nasty email about her family would have been the end if I was her.

 

Now you turn it round as if you're giving her the wonderful gift of reconciliation when this was all your fault.

 

You have some serious growing up to do.

[coolheadal]

I went on a 4 month trip to Europe without my girlfriend of 5 years.

 

Before I left we decided to stay together, but during the trip we spoke on the phone and I told her that she could kiss somebody as long as it was just kissing. She seemed a little confused by this, and got kind of quiet. She said that she didn’t want to, and that she just wanted me to come home to her and that she was lonely.

 

I was hoping that she would say that I could kiss other people too, but she didn’t. I know that I love this girl and want to be with her forever, but I was also was hoping that she would be ok with me having some fun on my trip. She said that she had no interest in kissing anybody else, and that she just wanted me to come home.

 

The next time I talked to her she told me about how there were a lot a guys interested in kissing her. At that point I realized that I had told her a really stupid thing and I tried to take it back. I honestly never thought she would be interested in kissing anybody else since she has always been hinting that she wants to get married to me.

 

A few days later I sent her a very mean and rude email where I said some terrible things about her family. I was totally out of line, and I really wish I hadn't sent it.

 

I guess that night she went out with friends and had a lot to drink. Her single friends had been pushing her to kiss someone since I had said she could. She told a guy about what I had said and later in the night he grabbed her and kissed her. They made out for five minutes and then she told him that she didn’t want to be doing it, stopped, and left.

 

A few days later she picked me up at the airport and told me about what happened. She seemed sorry, but also kind of acted like I got what I asked for. Ever since this happened I have been heart broken. I haven’t always been the most faithful boyfriend, and in the past I made mistakes including kissing another girl while we were together which really hurt her. I also broke up with her for a while and then asked her to get back together which she agreed to.

 

I really feel terrible and I realize that I have made a lot of mistakes. She wants to remain together and said that she thinks that I have some growing up to do. She said that she kissed the guy because she was mad at me for the rude email and that she wanted to prove to me that she can and she will. She said that she really didn’t know where we stood and wanted to make me feel like she was feeling.

 

My first reaction was to break up with her because I feel like i was cheated on, but the more introspection that I do I feel like this is all my fault. I talked to my best friend and he thinks that she is a great girl and that I should just get over it. It makes me sick thinking about her kissing that guy, and I know that he wants to date her even though she told her friend that she has no interest in him.

 

Should I forgive her? Did she cheat?

 

You need to get out of this so called relationship is way to mixed up for you too. You want to kiss and be with other women as a player. She wanted to be with you only but you told her to kiss others. Why would you do that, because wanted to kiss other women. Valid point you think? Nope not really you are not the type of guy to be in any long-term relationship. You just not the kind. Stop fooling yourself and your friend there she needs to go and find a guy other than you who wants her and only wants to kiss her and be with her. You on the other hand clearly not into her that much as you think If you were wouldn't have started all of this mess. It's a mess and trust has been broken all over the floor. To bad the maid has vacuum up the trust pieces will never be mended with you again. IT'S OVER LEAVE HER ALONE!

[Rach_and_roll]

It sounds like an unhealthy relationship, id terminate.

[usa1ah]

Did anyone read his first post back in April 2010? We've been had.

[usa1ah]

New Member

 

Join Date: Apr 2010

Posts: 3

Told her she could kiss someone and she did. I didn't think she would.

I went on a 4 month trip to Europe without my girlfriend of 5 years. Before I left we decided to stay together, but during the trip we spoke on the phone and I told her that I didn't care if she kissed somebody as long as it was just a kiss. I don't know why I said this, I think I was trying to get her to say that it would be ok if I did the same. I knew that I wanted to be with her forever, but I thought that it would be cool if she let me kiss other girls. She said that she had no interest in kissing anybody else, and that she just wanted me to come home. The next time I talked to her I realized that it was a really stupid thing to do, and I tried to take it back. I'm not sure how clear I made it. A few days later I sent her a very mean and rude email where I said some very mean things about her family. I was totally out of line, and I really wish I hadn't sent it. I guess that night she went out with friends and had a lot to drink. Her single friends had been pushing her to kiss someone since I said she could. She told a guy about what I had said and later in the night he grabbed her and kissed her. She kissed him for a while and then realized she didn't want to be doing it, stopped, and left. When I came back from my trip she told me what happened. I had kissed people while we together (always stopped before anything more happened) in the past, but she had never done this to me. I have been heart broken ever since. I realize that I never should have given her the idea that this was ok. I also realize that I should have never done anything like this to her in the past. My friend thinks that I put her up to a challenge and that she did it to prove to me that I can't walk all over her. I feel like I was cheated on, but then I remember that I have done this to her in the past, and that I gave her the impression that this was ok. I also broke up with her in the past, and got we got back together. I know this hurt her a lot. I really love her. She does not want to break up, and said that she would never do this again, and only did it because I said I didn't care. After a lot of long talks she said she did it to hurt me. She says she wishes I would grow up a little bit. Should I forgive her? Did she cheat?