My mother-in-law is doing my head in!

[Chardonnay Renée]

Hi all!

 

First of all, let me preface this post with a very brief "about me" to give some context to my situation. I'm a 34-year-old mother of twin boys aged eleven months.

 

My husband works long hours, so I am on my own for the majority of the day, right up until sometimes 8.00pm. Oft-times he won't see our boys from one day to the next as he gets home too late.

 

So, anyway, the situation with my MIL is this; I find her rude, abrupt, condescending and overbearing. I have always identified elements of this sort of behaviour, but it hasn't really been as intolerable until we had our boys.

 

In times gone by, I would only see the in-laws on weekends. This would occasionally coincide with miscellaneous family events where the extended family would be present. These particular circumstances were great as I could put some separation between myself and the MIL when she became particularly grating.

 

The problem is, now that we have the boys, she takes it upon herself to come around, whenever she feels like it, totally univited. It doesn't matter what I'm doing - if I'm home she expects me to just let her in and hang around like a bad smell until she is ready to leave.

 

If I didn't find her so off putting it wouldn't be such a problem. However, I feel that her lack of empathy towards others, i.e. her inability to notice or even care if she's putting somone else out, is part of why she behaves this way.

 

Don't get me wrong; when I'm exhausted after having had very little sleep for days on end, a little respite wouldn't go astray. The problem is, I can't exactly rely on my MIL for that. Her presence around her grandkids is everything to do with her and nothing to do with me.

 

My MIL is constantly criticising me about things. I believe that she is mildly OCD when it comes to cleanliness. If anything is out of place, even very temporarily, she looks visibly irritated.

 

She will make snide remarks aloud about things being "out of order", or worse; she will talk to my boys when in an earshot of me, with condescending remarks, said in a passive-aggressive manner.

 

She will opine with things like "don't worry, Mummy hasn't actually forgotten to clean your high chair tables, she's just proactively challenged" if she hears me preparing food out in the kitchen. Mikd you, we're talking about a couple of bread crumbs - not dried sloppy food!

 

The constant put-downs, the condescension, the passive-aggressiveness... it's an extra element on top of having so many other things to do which I just don't need. I feel I need support, yet, all I seem to get in reality is even more unconstructive criticism.

 

I've tried talking to my hubby and he isn't interested. He says his mother is welcome over to see her grandchildren "whenever she wants, for however long she wants". He puts it back on to me often and asks, rather sarcastically "what sort of a son would deny his mother access to his children"?

 

My husband has always played down or glossed over issues between my MIL and myself. He's often siding with her, blaming me for being closed off to her. I've tried telling him that every time I opened up to her in the past she has been either rude or demeaning. His response is usually along the lines of "grow a thicker skin", or something to that effect.

 

Honestly, I'm over her and the situation. It's made worse by the fact that I'm a country girl who grew up two hours from the city, so when my parents come over it's usually only for a day on the weekend. On the flipside, I see my MIL almost every day.

 

My parents don't like my MIL; my Dad told my Mum after the four parents first met that "she's a right piece of work". I heard that later from my Mum. So, they're sympathetic - although they have no idea how overbearing she's been recently.

 

Sometimes, between the lack of sleep, my MIL and my husband, who has become less and less empathetic to me recently, I've had a gutful. Sometimes I just want to pack my boys in the car and head for my parents' farm where I feel at peace and with support around me.

 

I am a bit stuck and don't really know what to do. Any other ladies (or men) had issues with their in-laws, or specifically the MIL, which has been further complicated by having kids? Seriously, I feel I'm at the end of my tether!

Edited May 31, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[BettyDraper]

Marriage counseling is needed. Your husband should be taking your side and caring about your feelings.

It's very problematic that he doesn't set boundaries with his mom; he is thinking like a son and not a husband.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Marriage counseling is needed. Your husband should be taking your side and caring about your feelings.

It's very problematic that he doesn't set boundaries with his mom; he is thinking like a son and not a husband.

 

Marriage counseling for an issue like this? Look, my hubby and I do have a few additional issues (like any marriage) which, if left unattended could develop into bigger problems.

 

My main issue with him, besides rarely or if ever backing me up against his mother, is his diminishing emotional support. I feel like I need more since having the boys, yet he's actually scaling back in that department.

 

In terms of counselling for this issue; I know what I'm going to get told: "you're being ridiculous". If I push it, I'll end up getting upset and then be labeled "hysterical" or something. Even if he agreed we needed help, he'd say "I don't have time for that *****".

[FastHands]

I read it and I'm intrigued- do you consider yourself a good parent? IMHO maybe take it as constructive criticism or better communication? I don't know the specifics of your situation as some family members are not so nice.

 

Imho- On another unrelated note maybe contrasting. I've known good mils, fils, grandparents that are absolute dreams with their children's children and yet they are treated badly for helping and caring. In the past children were brought up how past generations of mothers cared for children. In today's world parents do internet searches on how to care and directions for child care. They don't nurture their children by restricting their diets and letting them cry to sleep.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I read it and I'm intrigued- do you consider yourself a good parent? IMHO maybe take it as constructive criticism or better communication? I don't know the specifics of your situation as some family members are not so nice.

 

Imho- On another unrelated note maybe contrasting. I've known good mils, fils, grandparents that are absolute dreams with their children's children and yet they are treated badly for helping and caring. In the past children were brought up how past generations of mothers cared for children. In today's world parents do internet searches on how to care and directions for child care. They don't nurture their children by restricting their diets and letting them cry to sleep.

 

That's a hard question for someone to answer without coming across as lacking in humility. Firstly, not many people are going to say, or not least admit, that they don't rate themselves as good parents.

 

Look, I'll put it this way; I have a background in occupational therapy, having worked predominantly with special needs children - many of whom having an ASD. So, it's my belief that I, at very least, have significant experience dealing with challenging children.

 

I can assure you that I'd be happy to have my MIL help out if she was a more pleasant person. But she can't help herself and seems to have no filter between her brain and her mouth. She doesn't analyse situations well and behave appropriately.

 

A big issue I have is that I'm feeling like I want to go back to work. My MIL and my hubby both oppose this. My MIL is very conservative and not very progressive. She doesn't believe in childcare. She still thinks that women should retire after they get married.

 

You'd think that if my MIL wanted to spend as much time with her grandkids as she does, she'd be happy to let me work part-time and she would substitute childcare? Noooo... we couldn't have that! Funny, hey? She won't have a bar of autonomous time with the kids. The mere suggestion is enough for her to accuse me of wanting to "palm the kids off at any opportunity". Hmmm... really?

 

I understand that it's perhaps hard to guage what's really going on as it's a complex situation and you're only hearing one side of the story. All I can say is that it's hard feeling like I am not taken seriously, even though I know I'm right in many situations.

 

But it's not just about being right; it's about how I'm made to feel. Being ignored doesn't make me feel valued. And I know that my needs aren't being met when I'm treated like I deserve nothing more than sanctimony.

 

Dare I act with a modicum of diffidence and actually seek assistance for something which would logically belie the level of competence to which I'm held, I open myself up to further ridicule. It's no wonder I am becoming more guarded. I feel as though I'm on a hiding to nothing no matter what way I go.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[todreaminblue]

you are in a really hard situation .....have you ever spoken to the mother in law about how you feel when she says certain things.....like if she were to say

don't worry mummy has not cleaned your high chair yet she is challenged.

..so you hear her.....deal with it then and there...dont hold it in.......say you know what......i am struggling..i am challenged.... i don't seem to have enough time in the day ....i am not sleeping well..and when you say to my kids i am challenged it actually gets me down...because i feel it.....so i would be grateful if you didnt joke about me being challenged anymore..........

 

so instead of distancing yourself from your mother in law draw her in.....by being open with her....and honest....about your trials....then say .....it would really help me if you could help me a bit and clean the highchair while i make lunch for us and the kids..i would appreciate your help ........

 

being vulnerable is not weakness....because one of two things will happen she will feel needed by you..... important.....validated.....and step up adn be useful...or she will say something mean and inappropriate.....

 

if the latter is the mean and unnecessary( this is where i say vulnerability isnt weakness)....say ok that you have decided to take the kids on an outing and get some lunch and some quality time together and some vitamin d.....tell her thank you for coming and then inform her you would appreciate if she calls next time so that you may have the house in order before she comes......if your husband says anything say.... yes this is me developing thicker skin.....now can we see a marriage counsellor...i feel we need one.....

 

honestly i think marriage counselling would help ...because when a woman says i want to run away and take the kids to my mums and be on the farm..reminds me of a friend of mine she lived next door to me..... who used to do just that when she had had enough of her husband and his attitude...that is...until her husband and her divorced he ended up in affair.....as did she actually...huge mess.....they couldnt communicate..it is an issue you want to run......and you shouldnt have to feel that way.i feel you would really benefit from a compassionate mediator and counsellor.....i wish you well....and a boat load of peace......deb......

[mikeylo]

A new baby does bring a lot of work with it and you have twins. Can you actually speak to your MIL in a way that she ends up being a helping hand? She did bring up the guy you married , so she does know how to.

[anika99]

Marriage counseling for an issue like this? Look, my hubby and I do have a few additional issues (like any marriage) which, if left unattended could develop into bigger problems.

 

My main issue with him, besides rarely or if ever backing me up against his mother, is his diminishing emotional support. I feel like I need more since having the boys, yet he's actually scaling back in that department.

 

In terms of counselling for this issue; I know what I'm going to get told: "you're being ridiculous". If I push it, I'll end up getting upset and then be labeled "hysterical" or something. Even if he agreed we needed help, he'd say "I don't have time for that *****".

 

It really is a marital issue because I don't see how this situation will change without your husband fully supporting you and on your side.

 

I know exactly what you are talking about it because I've seen similar behavior first hand between my mother and her mother-in-law. She was a piece of work too. When I was still living at home she would come for visits and treat my mother like garbage. She was condescending, critical and downright rude. She was hard on me too (I was the step child, not her biological grandchild) but she treated my mom the worst. My stepfather never stood up for my mom either. Partly because he never saw how outrageously disrespectful she was to my mom. She would wait until my stepfather was out of earshot or not home and then she would let loose and become a b*tch on wheels. The only saving grace was that she lived an 8 hour drive away so she only visited every 3 or 4 months but on her visits she would stay for a week at our place and drive us all crazy with her demands and her put downs. If my mom had to put up with that every single day I'm sure her and my step father would have divorced much sooner than they did.

 

You are in a very tough spot because if you stand up to her all that will happen is that both she and your husband will be angry at you and you will made to feel even more miserable. Without your husband's support I can't see this getting resolved in any way that is in your favor. You really should consider marriage counselling, not just for this problem but for any other issues you may have in your marriage. Just tell your husband you want to nip the problems in the bud before they become huge issues.

[BettyDraper]

Marriage counseling for an issue like this? Look, my hubby and I do have a few additional issues (like any marriage) which, if left unattended could develop into bigger problems.

 

My main issue with him, besides rarely or if ever backing me up against his mother, is his diminishing emotional support. I feel like I need more since having the boys, yet he's actually scaling back in that department.

 

In terms of counselling for this issue; I know what I'm going to get told: "you're being ridiculous". If I push it, I'll end up getting upset and then be labeled "hysterical" or something. Even if he agreed we needed help, he'd say "I don't have time for that *****".

 

Issues with an in law can ruin a marriage. That's why I suggested counseling. If you have other problems, that's all the more reason to seek help. Your husband has not become individuated from this mother.

 

What made you decide to marry a man who doesn't care about your feelings? I couldn't be with a man who was that callous and dismissive. I also don't understand why you married a man with such drastically different values. If you wanted to go back to work after becoming a mother, that should have been agreed upon before marriage and children.

Edited June 1, 2017 by BettyDraper

[Chardonnay Renée]

you are in a really hard situation .....have you ever spoken to the mother in law about how you feel when she says certain things.....like if she were to say ..so you hear her.....deal with it then and there...dont hold it in.......say you know what......i am struggling..i am challenged.... i don't seem to have enough time in the day ....i am not sleeping well..and when you say to my kids i am challenged it actually gets me down...because i feel it.....so i would be grateful if you didnt joke about me being challenged anymore..........

 

so instead of distancing yourself from your mother in law draw her in.....by being open with her....and honest....about your trials....then say .....it would really help me if you could help me a bit and clean the highchair while i make lunch for us and the kids..i would appreciate your help ........

 

being vulnerable is not weakness....because one of two things will happen she will feel needed by you..... important.....validated.....and step up adn be useful...or she will say something mean and inappropriate.....

 

if the latter is the mean and unnecessary( this is where i say vulnerability isnt weakness)....say ok that you have decided to take the kids on an outing and get some lunch and some quality time together and some vitamin d.....tell her thank you for coming and then inform her you would appreciate if she calls next time so that you may have the house in order before she comes......if your husband says anything say.... yes this is me developing thicker skin.....now can we see a marriage counsellor...i feel we need one.....

 

honestly i think marriage counselling would help ...because when a woman says i want to run away and take the kids to my mums and be on the farm..reminds me of a friend of mine she lived next door to me..... who used to do just that when she had had enough of her husband and his attitude...that is...until her husband and her divorced he ended up in affair.....as did she actually...huge mess.....they couldnt communicate..it is an issue you want to run......and you shouldnt have to feel that way.i feel you would really benefit from a compassionate mediator and counsellor.....i wish you well....and a boat load of peace......deb......

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I find the very thought of confrontation stressful and overwhelming. Like a dog who can smell the scent of fear, my MIL would pick my anxiety the moment I started to stand up for myself.

 

I literally start getting knots in my stomach and feel short of breath when confronting someone about issues when I know that the person I'm confronting will not listen to the words and will instead just respond agressively. My MIL thrives on confrontation. The naster it is, the more she's in her element.

 

She treats her own husband like a door mat. He puts up with it because he has always worked on off-shore oil rigs where he's been away for months at a time. His ability to escape has been what's saved their marriage. I shudder to think what will happen when he retires! He's actually a lovely man who has stood up for me before when he's seen me upset.

[Chardonnay Renée]

A new baby does bring a lot of work with it and you have twins. Can you actually speak to your MIL in a way that she ends up being a helping hand? She did bring up the guy you married , so she does know how to.

 

Refer to my reply above. If I want to tackle my MIL head-on, I'll have ti be prepared to take it all the way. And I don't have the strength or energy to do that currently. I'll have more luck convincing my husband to have my back - although that's looking more challenging at this stage, too.

[mikeylo]

Do you by any chance have PPD ? Look into it.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Do you by any chance have PPD ? Look into it.

 

No, I don't. My uncle is actually a GP and I've spoken to him about this issue. I don't feel depressed and have never had depression before. I am purely frustrated!

[CC12]

He says his mother is welcome over to see her grandchildren "whenever she wants, for however long she wants".

 

No, that's not how it works. No one else has the right to barge in whenever they want, especially if they treat you like **** when they show up. Your husband shouldn't get to single-handedly dictate what goes on in the household. You get to have input. And when you're the only one in the house, you're the boss.

 

He puts it back on to me often and asks, rather sarcastically "what sort of a son would deny his mother access to his children"?

 

What sort of a husband doesn't care about something that's hurting his wife? And it wouldn't be denying access, it would be setting boundaries for behavior when she does get to visit and see the kids, like most normal people do.

 

I do wonder exactly how often she comes over. Is it every day, every two days, once a week? Ideally, with her current behavior, how often do you think you would like for her to come over?

 

What if somehow she magically started being nice to you? Would you be okay with the current frequency of her visits if she could just be nicer to you?

 

Think about what you want, and maybe present it to your husband that way, as a solution. I would like to think that he actually does care about your feelings, he just doesn't know what to do with them and it's easier to bury his head and put it on you instead of having to deal with his nightmare of a mother.

 

I mean, he does care about your feelings, right? He's acting like he doesn't. You should tell him that and ask him if he cares about your feelings. He doesn't have to understand or agree with your feelings, but he does have to care and try to do anything he can to help.

 

Right now, the biggest problem is your husband appearing that he doesn't care. His mother is also a problem, but to solve that problem, you need your husband on your side.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Issues with an in law can ruin a marriage. That's why I suggested counseling. If you have other problems, that's all the more reason to seek help. Your husband has not become individuated from this mother.

 

What made you decide to marry a man who doesn't care about your feelings? I couldn't be with a man who was that callous and dismissive. I also don't understand why you married a man with such drastically different values. If you wanted to go back to work after becoming a mother, that should have been agreed upon before marriage and children.

It's not that simple, really. My husband is a very handsome and charismatic man (if I do say so myself). He knows how to make people feel good after interacting with them. It's why he's a successful business man; he knows how to close a deal.

 

The problem is, knowing how to do something and being sufficiently motivated to do something are two entirely different things. We met at a mutual friend's 30th birthday party seven years ago. He came up to me and we got talking. The rest is history.

 

When we started dating, he put so much effort into my happiness. He was fun, exciting and really took me out of my comfort zone. He knew how to make me feel alive and special all at the same time. Everything was going so well in the first few years.

 

To top it off, his business was going from strength to strength, so his ability to provide and support a family was more than sufficient. I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world as I had a guy who was the best of both worlds. Fun and exciting, charming but also intelligent, responsible and an incredible work ethic.

 

When he proposed three years later, I could not say "yes" quickly enough. My parents love him as he's always been so nice to them. So convincing in his convictions that he's a genuine, sincere and caring person. He is still, sort of. But I am seeing a different side to him come out recently.

 

When we spoke about kids he spoke about how it's important to have a house "in order" when creating a family. He stressed the importance of stability for the kids and how it is his duty to provide for his family and ensure that everything from a financial perspective was sorted. He always said that it's inappropriate for a wife to "have to" return to work.

 

I was having a few issues at work leading up to and during my pregnancy. My husband was comfortably providing so I could leave before I finished my second trimester. I haven't worked in eighteen months and up until recently, I'd been happy as a stay at home mum. I had broached the topic of returning to work, to which he responded "we'll see".

 

Recently a former work colleague got a job and said that this place needs a couple of people with my experience. I spoke to my husband who, upon hearing of it being a full-time role, said that it was not appropriate for me to work full-time. I can sort of understand as I'm not sure about full-time at this stage, either.

 

However, when my MIL got wind of it, she couldn't help having veiled shots at me about it. She implied that I'm sending a message that I'm unappreciative of my husband's efforts to provide. The thing is, while I'm so grateful for what my husband provides, unlike her I don't just take it for granted and happily leech of whomever is willing to provide a lifestyle.

 

I'm made to feel like I am being selfish and putting myself first when thinking of going back to work. I do question whether I am, but I feel I have more to offer society than to just be a housewife, living comfortably off someone else - even if that someone else is my husband.I think the problem with hubby is that he gets bored quickly. His business is his passion, and while he's a great father who spends quality time with his kids on the weekend, he's always looking for the "next big thing" in life.

 

He's extremely proactive when it comes to pursuing what he wants; but he can be reactive when it comes to maintaining the assets which he has.Sometimes I feel like an asset, like his property. He employs people to maintain his assets in his business, whilst freeing him up to pursue the next deal.

 

Unfortunately for me, I do feel like he's neglecting me, especially since I require additional emotional support after having the boys. I think it would take me throwing a big wobbly for him to take more notice of me. Currently I am an acquired asset to him which he's partly moved on from to concentrate on pursuing other goals. I feel as though he thinks that a combination of having a placid temperament and throwing money at me is enough to keep my happy.

 

Sometimes I'm just confused and unsure within myself. I think of other women and how they have had to go back to work. I think of how they struggle financially where I don't. I think of the women in third world countries and the awful circumstances in which they live. I feel guilty and confused. Am I a spoilt brat complaining about first world problems? Or is my empathy clouding my ability to see what's really going on as I'm using the positives to mask real, pressing issues which need to be resolved?

 

I'm not sure, but I do know that since my emotional needs are being neglected, so too are his sexual needs. I'm not withholding sex to punish him, but I am not in the mood as I am a combination of exhausted, frustrated and feeling neglected. That hasn't gone down well AT ALL, but that's a different topic entirely.

Edited June 2, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[Curdie]

I am also a mother of two with in law issues and a husband that often works long hours. Fortunately for me that is where the similarities in our stories end. I'll give you my story so that you can compare your husband's behavior with my husband's behavior.

 

One of his sisters made nasty comments about our wedding being shotgun and me being a gold digger. His mother also made some nasty comments. He took a year long break from her and demanded that she apologize to me. We did not attend family functions until the situation was resolved and they missed his basic training graduation. His mother tried to overrule our decisions regarding our oldest. She also tried to physically take our baby out of my arms. I hip checked her and left. He took yet another break from them and made it absolutely clear that we were the parents, not her. In a naieve move we decided to stay with them immediately before an international move. His family managed to make the move even more stressful by expecting me to help care for our toddler nephew on top of our own toddler and baby, trying to sabotage visits with my side of the family and our friends, trash talking me behind our backs, and in a wonderfully/horribly dramatic move throwing his uniform out on the back porch. That was the last straw for him. Since moving across the globe he has messaged his father once. His sisters and mother get no pictures, no phone calls, no updates. They will miss out on a relationship with our incredible kids because they are incapable of respecting our family unit.

 

Your mother in law also refuses to respect you as an adult and a parent. She violates your privacy, openly trash talks you to your young impressionable children, and put you at increased risk for ppd/ppa by constantly belittling you and criticizing your mothering. In response to this your husband has endorsed her behavior. He has doubled down and told you that your time and your privacy don't matter. He has told you that you should just endure constant put downs and attempted parental alienation. Are these the actions of a good husband? More importantly are they the actions of a good father? No, they are not.

 

This is a serious issue and it will only get worse. Think it's awful listening to your mother in law passive aggressively insult you to your toddlers? Imagine what it'll feel like when one of your teenagers starts screaming those same insults that grandma has fed them all their lives at you. It's awful and damaging for both parent and child. I know this firsthand because I was once that child. To this day my dad and I are still repairing some of the damage done by my mother's awful family. And what's worse is my mother didn't even know it was going on. Had she known she would have cut them all off. Imagine how much worse it will be with your husband's attitude.

 

You need to take this seriously for both your and your kids' sakes. Demand both marital and individual counseling. Retain a lawyer just in case. Document every nasty thing she ever says and does. If it's legal in your area install a camera wherever she typically interacts with the kids. And stop opening the door when she shows up unannounced! She doesn't own you, your children, or your time.

Edited June 2, 2017 by Curdie
Corrected ever to every

[stillafool]

You mentioned that you have a lack of sleep. Why is that?

[Chardonnay Renée]

I am also a mother of two with in law issues and a husband that often works long hours. Fortunately for me that is where the similarities in our stories end. I'll give you my story so that you can compare your husband's behavior with my husband's behavior.

 

One of his sisters made nasty comments about our wedding being shotgun and me being a gold digger. His mother also made some nasty comments. He took a year long break from her and demanded that she apologize to me. We did not attend family functions until the situation was resolved and they missed his basic training graduation. His mother tried to overrule our decisions regarding our oldest. She also tried to physically take our baby out of my arms. I hip checked her and left. He took yet another break from them and made it absolutely clear that we were the parents, not her. In a naieve move we decided to stay with them immediately before an international move. His family managed to make the move even more stressful by expecting me to help care for our toddler nephew on top of our own toddler and baby, trying to sabotage visits with my side of the family and our friends, trash talking me behind our backs, and in a wonderfully/horribly dramatic move throwing his uniform out on the back porch. That was the last straw for him. Since moving across the globe he has messaged his father once. His sisters and mother get no pictures, no phone calls, no updates. They will miss out on a relationship with our incredible kids because they are incapable of respecting our family unit.

 

Your mother in law also refuses to respect you as an adult and a parent. She violates your privacy, openly trash talks you to your young impressionable children, and put you at increased risk for ppd/ppa by constantly belittling you and criticizing your mothering. In response to this your husband has endorsed her behavior. He has doubled down and told you that your time and your privacy don't matter. He has told you that you should just endure constant put downs and attempted parental alienation. Are these the actions of a good husband? More importantly are they the actions of a good father? No, they are not.

 

This is a serious issue and it will only get worse. Think it's awful listening to your mother in law passive aggressively insult you to your toddlers? Imagine what it'll feel like when one of your teenagers starts screaming those same insults that grandma has fed them all their lives at you. It's awful and damaging for both parent and child. I know this firsthand because I was once that child. To this day my dad and I are still repairing some of the damage done by my mother's awful family. And what's worse is my mother didn't even know it was going on. Had she known she would have cut them all off. Imagine how much worse it will be with your husband's attitude.

 

You need to take this seriously for both your and your kids' sakes. Demand both marital and individual counseling. Retain a lawyer just in case. Document every nasty thing she ever says and does. If it's legal in your area install a camera wherever she typically interacts with the kids. And stop opening the door when she shows up unannounced! She doesn't own you, your children, or your time.

 

I was nearly in tears reading this. So many emotions were stirred here, which has made me think. Thank you, honey. I really appreciate the support I've received here so far.

[Chardonnay Renée]

You mentioned that you have a lack of sleep. Why is that?

 

The boys are often restless. I do not otherwise have a sleeping problem. I can't expect my husband to sort them out during the night when he has to be up at five o'clock in the morning for work.

[BettyDraper]

I am also a mother of two with in law issues and a husband that often works long hours. Fortunately for me that is where the similarities in our stories end. I'll give you my story so that you can compare your husband's behavior with my husband's behavior.

 

One of his sisters made nasty comments about our wedding being shotgun and me being a gold digger. His mother also made some nasty comments. He took a year long break from her and demanded that she apologize to me. We did not attend family functions until the situation was resolved and they missed his basic training graduation. His mother tried to overrule our decisions regarding our oldest. She also tried to physically take our baby out of my arms. I hip checked her and left. He took yet another break from them and made it absolutely clear that we were the parents, not her. In a naieve move we decided to stay with them immediately before an international move. His family managed to make the move even more stressful by expecting me to help care for our toddler nephew on top of our own toddler and baby, trying to sabotage visits with my side of the family and our friends, trash talking me behind our backs, and in a wonderfully/horribly dramatic move throwing his uniform out on the back porch. That was the last straw for him. Since moving across the globe he has messaged his father once. His sisters and mother get no pictures, no phone calls, no updates. They will miss out on a relationship with our incredible kids because they are incapable of respecting our family unit.

 

Your mother in law also refuses to respect you as an adult and a parent. She violates your privacy, openly trash talks you to your young impressionable children, and put you at increased risk for ppd/ppa by constantly belittling you and criticizing your mothering. In response to this your husband has endorsed her behavior. He has doubled down and told you that your time and your privacy don't matter. He has told you that you should just endure constant put downs and attempted parental alienation. Are these the actions of a good husband? More importantly are they the actions of a good father? No, they are not.

 

This is a serious issue and it will only get worse. Think it's awful listening to your mother in law passive aggressively insult you to your toddlers? Imagine what it'll feel like when one of your teenagers starts screaming those same insults that grandma has fed them all their lives at you. It's awful and damaging for both parent and child. I know this firsthand because I was once that child. To this day my dad and I are still repairing some of the damage done by my mother's awful family. And what's worse is my mother didn't even know it was going on. Had she known she would have cut them all off. Imagine how much worse it will be with your husband's attitude.

 

You need to take this seriously for both your and your kids' sakes. Demand both marital and individual counseling. Retain a lawyer just in case. Document every nasty thing she ever says and does. If it's legal in your area install a camera wherever she typically interacts with the kids. And stop opening the door when she shows up unannounced! She doesn't own you, your children, or your time.

 

What a terrible ordeal! I'm glad that your husband is supportive.

The OP's husband needs to treat her with far more respect and stand up for her. If not, I don't see how this marriage will be successful. That's why I suggested counseling.

 

My MIL has commented on my weight and the fact that I snore. I lost weight but I still snore. My husband stood up to her and she told him she wished he was never born. My in laws live far away so we just haven't been back to visit. We will be staying in a hotel the next time and though my MIL will be angry, my husband isn't going to tolerate his mother taking shots at his wife. Luckily, my FIL is a kind and easygoing man. I love him.

 

Some MILs are so narcissistic that they can't fathom their sons putting their wives ahead of them. They think that they should be the queen of their son's hearts forever, so when their sons get married they make life hell for the wives. I have a cousin who is single in his 50s because he allowed his mother to ruin his relationships more than once.

[BettyDraper]

The boys are often restless. I do not otherwise have a sleeping problem. I can't expect my husband to sort them out during the night when he has to be up at five o'clock in the morning for work.

 

You sound like a great wife and mom.

So terrible that you are going through this nonsense with your husband and MIL.

[BettyDraper]

It's not that simple, really. My husband is a very handsome and charismatic man (if I do say so myself). He knows how to make people feel good after interacting with them. It's why he's a successful business man; he knows how to close a deal.

 

The problem is, knowing how to do something and being sufficiently motivated to do something are two entirely different things. We met at a mutual friend's 30th birthday party seven years ago. He came up to me and we got talking. The rest is history.

 

When we started dating, he put so much effort into my happiness. He was fun, exciting and really took me out of my comfort zone. He knew how to make me feel alive and special all at the same time. Everything was going so well in the first few years.

 

To top it off, his business was going from strength to strength, so his ability to provide and support a family was more than sufficient. I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world as I had a guy who was the best of both worlds. Fun and exciting, charming but also intelligent, responsible and an incredible work ethic.

 

When he proposed three years later, I could not say "yes" quickly enough. My parents love him as he's always been so nice to them. So convincing in his convictions that he's a genuine, sincere and caring person. He is still, sort of. But I am seeing a different side to him come out recently.

 

When we spoke about kids he spoke about how it's important to have a house "in order" when creating a family. He stressed the importance of stability for the kids and how it is his duty to provide for his family and ensure that everything from a financial perspective was sorted. He always said that it's inappropriate for a wife to "have to" return to work.

 

I was having a few issues at work leading up to and during my pregnancy. My husband was comfortably providing so I could leave before I finished my second trimester. I haven't worked in eighteen months and up until recently, I'd been happy as a stay at home mum. I had broached the topic of returning to work, to which he responded "we'll see".

 

Recently a former work colleague got a job and said that this place needs a couple of people with my experience. I spoke to my husband who, upon hearing of it being a full-time role, said that it was not appropriate for me to work full-time. I can sort of understand as I'm not sure about full-time at this stage, either.

 

However, when my MIL got wind of it, she couldn't help having veiled shots at me about it. She implied that I'm sending a message that I'm unappreciative of my husband's efforts to provide. The thing is, while I'm so grateful for what my husband provides, unlike her I don't just take it for granted and happily leech of whomever is willing to provide a lifestyle.

 

I'm made to feel like I am being selfish and putting myself first when thinking of going back to work. I do question whether I am, but I feel I have more to offer society than to just be a housewife, living comfortably off someone else - even if that someone else is my husband.I think the problem with hubby is that he gets bored quickly. His business is his passion, and while he's a great father who spends quality time with his kids on the weekend, he's always looking for the "next big thing" in life.

 

He's extremely proactive when it comes to pursuing what he wants; but he can be reactive when it comes to maintaining the assets which he has.Sometimes I feel like an asset, like his property. He employs people to maintain his assets in his business, whilst freeing him up to pursue the next deal.

 

Unfortunately for me, I do feel like he's neglecting me, especially since I require additional emotional support after having the boys. I think it would take me throwing a big wobbly for him to take more notice of me. Currently I am an acquired asset to him which he's partly moved on from to concentrate on pursuing other goals. I feel as though he thinks that a combination of having a placid temperament and throwing money at me is enough to keep my happy.

 

Sometimes I'm just confused and unsure within myself. I think of other women and how they have had to go back to work. I think of how they struggle financially where I don't. I think of the women in third world countries and the awful circumstances in which they live. I feel guilty and confused. Am I a spoilt brat complaining about first world problems? Or is my empathy clouding my ability to see what's really going on as I'm using the positives to mask real, pressing issues which need to be resolved?

 

I'm not sure, but I do know that since my emotional needs are being neglected, so too are his sexual needs. I'm not withholding sex to punish him, but I am not in the mood as I am a combination of exhausted, frustrated and feeling neglected. That hasn't gone down well AT ALL, but that's a different topic entirely.

 

Not every woman is cut out to be a SAHM and that's okay. I don't think it made sense to marry a man who wants a SAHM when that isn't what you wanted. It looks like you got caught up in your husband's appearance, status, income and charisma. Men like that tend to be very appearance oriented and having a wife who stays home is a status symbol. Most men enjoy the provider role even when their wives work though. Your husband takes the need to provide to an unhealthy level because status is important to him, so that's why he treats you like an object rather than a person. I'm not sure what you were expecting when your husband made his wishes very clear.

 

I'm a housewife leech. I contribute to society by being a source of support for my husband who has a demanding career as a P.Eng. I also enjoy volunteering. When people make snide remarks about me being at home, I just smile and ask how many hungry or homeless people they have helped. I'm also much happier in this role than I was in the corporate world. I'm not surprised that you look down on the housewife role because that attitude is very common in modern society.

 

Raising children is a very honorable task and it's a shame that so many moms think that being a full time SAHM is beneath them. That said, your decisions are not your MIL's concern so she shouldn't be throwing jabs at you. I don't think you're a brat but you are fortunate to have the option to stay at home. Lots of women would love to have that choice. However, I can appreciate that you are not the type to be "just a housewife." The way you described your husband's personality makes me think that being financially dependent on him would not be in your best interests. Power can have a corrupting influence and some men will allow power to turn them into dictators.

[Chardonnay Renée]

No, that's not how it works. No one else has the right to barge in whenever they want, especially if they treat you like **** when they show up. Your husband shouldn't get to single-handedly dictate what goes on in the household. You get to have input. And when you're the only one in the house, you're the boss.

 

 

 

What sort of a husband doesn't care about something that's hurting his wife? And it wouldn't be denying access, it would be setting boundaries for behavior when she does get to visit and see the kids, like most normal people do.

 

I do wonder exactly how often she comes over. Is it every day, every two days, once a week? Ideally, with her current behavior, how often do you think you would like for her to come over?

 

What if somehow she magically started being nice to you? Would you be okay with the current frequency of her visits if she could just be nicer to you?

 

Think about what you want, and maybe present it to your husband that way, as a solution. I would like to think that he actually does care about your feelings, he just doesn't know what to do with them and it's easier to bury his head and put it on you instead of having to deal with his nightmare of a mother.

 

I mean, he does care about your feelings, right? He's acting like he doesn't. You should tell him that and ask him if he cares about your feelings. He doesn't have to understand or agree with your feelings, but he does have to care and try to do anything he can to help.

 

Right now, the biggest problem is your husband appearing that he doesn't care. His mother is also a problem, but to solve that problem, you need your husband on your side.

 

If you've ever watched Everybody Loves Raymond then you'll know what I mean when I say that I feel like Debra. While my in-laws don't exactly live across the road, they are within a few suburbs of us - a ten minute commute.

 

My MIL comes over anything from one day a week to five days a week, which includes weekends. On average, she will be around three times a week and will hang around for a few hours at a time.

 

My MIL seems to like observing what I'm feeding the boys, how much I'm feeding them, and also what I'm making for dinner. She is very old school and likes to make a Sundsy roast, traditional meals which taste good but aren't exactly cooked in the most healthy methods.

 

I am a fan of the paleo diet, so I try to eliminate non-essential carbs from our meals. I try to minimise white rice, potatoes and starchy vegetables. One afternoon when my MIL asked me what I was doing for dinner, I told her I was making an eye fillet steaks and fresh salad.

 

She replied: "fresh salad... so, in other words you're gonna make my son eat rabbit food". I found that comment offensive as my husband is on a protein diet as part of his physical training regime, so I was really trying to tailor his diet to fit his requirements.

 

But I digress. I could cite examples all day of where I feel like it's damned if I do and damned if I don't. I've told my husband stuff and he always says "oh, don't worry. She's just joking". I've told him that after seven years of being with him, I still haven't warmed to her sense of humour. He just grunted!

 

I believe my husband does care about my feelings, but he doesn't care enough to do anything meaningful. He finds his Mum a PITA when he's dealing with her, so sometimes I think he just prefers to take the path of least resistence. I feel like the only way I will get him to back me up is if I nag him to death. But I don't want to be a nag! So perhaps therapy it is...

 

P.S. If my MIL came over and was nice to me, it would to a long way to resolving the issue. But I'd still like her to inform me before turning up. Better yet, if she was actually supportive and helped, I'd be more than happy to have a meaningful relationship with her.

Edited June 3, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[Chardonnay Renée]

You sound like a great wife and mom.

So terrible that you are going through this nonsense with your husband and MIL.

 

Thank you for the kind words, Betty. It has been frustrating recently, but getting stuff off my chest the last couple of days has helped.

[todreaminblue]

hey renee, i can guarantee two things therapy will help you and i can also guarantee 100 per cent it will get to a point in your life you will not avoid confrontation..

 

you will bottle up all these offenses until you burst....its human nature...either you discuss and deal with issues(not confront discuss) in small increments as they happen with thoughtful truths or you wait until its boiling inside you and you cant contain it or you run so its

fight or flight.....

 

manipulation from your mil is a form or abuse and ignorance from your husband is a mild form of also,and it adds up....to massive hurt for every one involved if it were to get to boiling point....im glad that you feel a little better through talking on here...its not enough for you though in the long run.......

 

just to let you know i have massive anxiety with confrontation......massive...i stutter in confrontation feel confused and panic..i struggle to find the right words which is killer to me........ and have been ridiculed for that...

 

how i look at it is i am going to get anxious confronting or not.....i prefer to handle my issues in small increments where it is a discussion not a massive confront.....i have been physically beaten in confronting situations where i refuse to back down....and give in.....i have been insulted threatened and ridiculed in different sort of arguments.....with one partner high on drugs who threatened to cut my oldest daughter out of me i got to the point where i said do it but you will have to kill me because i planned on fighting.....

 

.i know confrontation..do i fear it hell yes i do ...its horrid.....but...whatever happens....i am still kicking having gone through confrontation adn i have stood alone too.....and im nothing special.i have a mental illness to deal with a few mental illnesses actually....i am a pacifist who knows how to fire an slr.....so i have developed over the years through trauma..different personalities to deal with things i have had to deal with.....

 

and i know it comes to a point in any sort of situation you are being held under...you are going to either fight to come up for air or fight to swim away.....therapy is what you need you need to gain strength to swim and how fast to swim...and when to swim and when to tread water..so strategies.....in therapy will help you to deal with issues before they become so massive you cant.....

 

 

strategies.without fighting...just to swim.....and to not develop any personality disorder yourself...putting up with things you should not adn storing up offenses and boundary breaks..... your body will defend itself as will your mind ..and it does so by developing coping strategies all on its own you will not be able to control......in severe cases of years and years of boiling point ...you could develop some really debilitating mental conditions...depression being one.....that will be triggered instead of a healthy approach to conflict resolution.....its not confrontation fi you ge tto it early enough its resolution...mediation...discussion.....

 

 

seek help and drag that hubby with you ...because you have twins i believe who need you mentally and emotionally stable.....i fyou feel you cant face you rmil...think of them....and how much they need you to stand up..i guarantee you will.....one day...either way ...stand or run......especially fi you seek therapy ..you are going to stand up......to maintain your own sanity.........i wish you nothing but the best....deb....

Edited June 3, 2017 by todreaminblue