My mother-in-law is doing my head in!

[BettyDraper]

I disagree. He has displayed high levels of emotional intelligence when he felt like it. What hurts me the most is that I know that he knows he's hurting me - he just can't be bothered. He takes my emotional needs for granted. He wasn't like he is when we first met.

 

I maintain that he's like a salesman; once you've signed the dotted lines he quickly moves on to the next person. I feel like a customer who purchased an amazing product from a caring and empathetic salesman, only to find that the after sales service experience has been nothing short of dreadful.

 

Yes he earns good money and yes I live comfortably and get pretty much what I want materialistically - but if I were a gold digger I'd have nothing to complain about. It turns out, I do, because I'm not. I just want to feel respected and valued.

 

With regards to taking the kids away to my parents place for a period of time: my husband can't just leave work for a week whenever he feels like it. If I go to my parents' place then he doesn't see his kids. I don't want to deny him seeing his kids, I just want a resolution to this problem - the problem of his mother and ipso facto him.

 

He won't see his kids temporarily. It's not like you're divorcing your husband and blocking him from seeing your children. Your husband doesn't seem to care what you want so there's no need to keep putting his feelings first. Why show respect for a spouse who can't be bothered to treat you in kind? Maybe taking the kids for a visit will wake him up.

 

Your husband isn't emotionally intelligent if he pretended to be a kind person just to keep you around; that's the antithesis of emotional intelligence. Sorry but what you've said about your husband doesn't make him seem like a very nice man.

[LurkerXX]

I tend to think his pining on about not seeing the kids for a few days is just another way to manipulate you.

 

What is going to happen when they are old enough for camp, away sports tournaments, school trips? Is he going to deny their development just so that he can see them everyday?

 

It is normal for a highly attached parent to miss their kids during such things, but not to prevent them from doing these things, including trips with their mom to their grandparents.

 

I think it is more about controlling you.

[anika99]

I disagree. He has displayed high levels of emotional intelligence when he felt like it. What hurts me the most is that I know that he knows he's hurting me - he just can't be bothered. He takes my emotional needs for granted. He wasn't like he is when we first met.

 

I maintain that he's like a salesman; once you've signed the dotted lines he quickly moves on to the next person. I feel like a customer who purchased an amazing product from a caring and empathetic salesman, only to find that the after sales service experience has been nothing short of dreadful.

 

Yes he earns good money and yes I live comfortably and get pretty much what I want materialistically - but if I were a gold digger I'd have nothing to complain about. It turns out, I do, because I'm not. I just want to feel respected and valued.

 

With regards to taking the kids away to my parents place for a period of time: my husband can't just leave work for a week whenever he feels like it. If I go to my parents' place then he doesn't see his kids. I don't want to deny him seeing his kids, I just want a resolution to this problem - the problem of his mother and ipso facto him.

 

This doesn't sound like emotional intelligence to me. It's sounds more like someone who is highly intelligent in the art of manipulation and control. Empathy isn't something you experience only when you feel like it. You either have empathy or you don't. I don't think you're husband ever has real empathy but I bet he's really good a faking empathy when there is some payoff in it for him. Again I say your husband does not have a high level of emotional intelligence, he has a high level of narcissism with a strong need to be in control and to dominate.

 

As someone else said, I don't believe your husband is really going to be devastated by not seeing his kids for one week. He's just using the kids as another means of controlling you. It's you he doesn't want leaving for a week. Oh my God the way he responded to you saying you wanted to visit your family. "why, what have I done, why do you want to leave me, etc etc" He didn't hear that you are stressed and you need a break, all he did was make it all about him, because he is narcissistic and he doesn't have high emotional intelligence. Emotionally he is a child who can only think in terms of himself, his wants, his image, his feelings. I see very big problem in this marriage coming your way. Unless you really want to spend your life locked up in your golden tower and being dominated by your husband and your mother in law.

[healing light]

Yes, this is a massive issue and needs marriage counseling. Go on your own if your husband does not agree to accompany you.

 

Do not answer the door. You're still the one in charge when you're at home. Either pretend to not be home when she arrives and counter your husband's demands to the contrary (inform him that you do not need his permission to set reasonable boundaries that are necessary for your mental health while he is away) or tell her that she needs to schedule with you ahead of time and now is not a good time. I don't care if you have to say it through a closed door and walk away as she berates you. These are completely reasonable requests. Everyone needs boundaries. Everyone is entitled to privacy and time off.

 

I would schedule a trip to your parents. Your husband needs to see that this is not going to go away. He is enabling her abuse.

 

Let him know that babysitting your mother-in-law makes you feel drained and exhausted, and this--in combination with his neglecting to support you on this issue--leaves you little energy and desire for sex. That should perk up his attention. Tell him that you feel more connected to him and more in the mood when you feel cared for by him and that his ignoring this issue and pushing it under the rug is a big turn off. Tell him that her unannounced visits are causing you anxiety and affecting your sex drive (many women, btw, need to feel emotionally supported by their husbands in order to desire sex, so this is no anomaly and I doubt it is completely unrelated, either). Since it sounds like he is relatively self-absorbed and still has a penis, hopefully this will get him realizing how serious of an issue this is.

 

If he continues to ignore you on this issue, tell him that long-term you do not see a future with him if he continues to enable his mother's lack of boundaries and you will be seeking the guidance of a professional.

[Chardonnay Renée]

He won't see his kids temporarily. It's not like you're divorcing your husband and blocking him from seeing your children. Your husband doesn't seem to care what you want so there's no need to keep putting his feelings first. Why show respect for a spouse who can't be bothered to treat you in kind? Maybe taking the kids for a visit will wake him up.

 

Your husband isn't emotionally intelligent if he pretended to be a kind person just to keep you around; that's the antithesis of emotional intelligence. Sorry but what you've said about your husband doesn't make him seem like a very nice man.

 

I've been thinking about this today. I've realised that I've been hanging on too long in the hope that he will show me the same devotion and empathy that he did in the beginning. I have felt as though if I stand up to him I will piss him off more which will mean he'll be less inclined to treat me how I want him to treat me.

 

It's gut wrenching to think I may have married a fraud and a manipulator. But it's even harder to think that I have beeb duped. I've always considered myself intelligent. I'm intelligent and well educated, but perhaps not street smart.

 

I don't really know what to think right now.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I tend to think his pining on about not seeing the kids for a few days is just another way to manipulate you.

 

What is going to happen when they are old enough for camp, away sports tournaments, school trips? Is he going to deny their development just so that he can see them everyday?

 

It is normal for a highly attached parent to miss their kids during such things, but not to prevent them from doing these things, including trips with their mom to their grandparents.

 

I think it is more about controlling you.

 

No, I don't think would deny them going on school camps or any extracurricular activities which require a period of away from home.

 

I think my husband is equating my absence as an unnecessary period of time away from home. Of course, his perspective wouldn't be taking into account my requirements, hence he'd be deeming it unnecessary erroneously.

[BettyDraper]

I've been thinking about this today. I've realised that I've been hanging on too long in the hope that he will show me the same devotion and empathy that he did in the beginning. I have felt as though if I stand up to him I will piss him off more which will mean he'll be less inclined to treat me how I want him to treat me.

 

It's gut wrenching to think I may have married a fraud and a manipulator. But it's even harder to think that I have beeb duped. I've always considered myself intelligent. I'm intelligent and well educated, but perhaps not street smart.

 

I don't really know what to think right now.

 

I can tell that you're an intelligent lady, CR. It's very easy for a smart woman to be swept away by a handsome and charming manipulator. It's also common for salespeople to be manipulative liars because that's how they make sales.

 

When I was younger, I was in an abusive relationship. He was a much older manchild. The guy was very controlling and extremely manipulative. That's why he chose a naive and sheltered young girl. I was always scared to stand up for myself until one day I snapped. That was when he dialed back his abuse.

 

The more you obey your husband's every command, the less he will come to respect you in the long run. Right now he knows he can dominate you because of what he provides. Nothing will change until you demand that he listen to your feelings. The first step is to do what you wish when it comes to dealing with your MIL and seeing your parents.

 

Look, I believe in Biblical submission but I can tell you that submission is a precious gift of trust. It needs to be earned with honorable behavior. It should only be given to a husband who is protective and loving, not an emotional abuser who wants to dismiss all of your needs. Your husband is not worthy of the leadership position in your household because he abuses his power. My husband never allows his mother to disrespect me. She has in the past and my husband always politely put his mother in her place. He also listens to my concerns and opinions when it's time to make important decisions. I would not feel safe with a husband who did otherwise.

[GunslingerRoland]

You need to address your marital issues first and foremost.

 

Anyway, your kids are getting older, they'll probably be down to 1 nap soon and it's summer. Try getting out of the house more. She likes to drop by unannounced, so just fail to be home when she shows up. After you do that a couple of times, see if it changes her attitude at all. If not, keep doing it.

 

It might be a little passive aggressive but you aren't allowed to tell your mother in law that she can't come over, so this seems like the next best thing to me.

[Chardonnay Renée]

You need to address your marital issues first and foremost.

 

Anyway, your kids are getting older, they'll probably be down to 1 nap soon and it's summer. Try getting out of the house more. She likes to drop by unannounced, so just fail to be home when she shows up. After you do that a couple of times, see if it changes her attitude at all. If not, keep doing it.

 

It might be a little passive aggressive but you aren't allowed to tell your mother in law that she can't come over, so this seems like the next best thing to me.

 

The only problem with this idea is that it's actually Winter here in Australia! I live in the Adelaide Hills where, whilst I'm sure it's nothing like a Canadian Winter, it can still be very cold, wet and miserable.

 

So anyway, my husband decided that he wasn't going to work today. It's a long weekend in Australia on Monday, so he decided to make it an extra-long weekend.

 

He's booked us a stay for the weekend in the beautiful Barossa Valley wine region. We're heading off shortly. Reason being, according to him, is that he's been a real "prick" and I need a break.

 

I'm not sure what to think, but I am excited to get out of the house for a few days with my husband and the boys - no one else - and hopefully unwind and get some much need R&R.

[BettyDraper]

The only problem with this idea is that it's actually Winter here in Australia! I live in the Adelaide Hills where, whilst I'm sure it's nothing like a Canadian Winter, it can still be very cold, wet and miserable.

 

So anyway, my husband decided that he wasn't going to work today. It's a long weekend in Australia on Monday, so he decided to make it an extra-long weekend.

 

He's booked us a stay for the weekend in the beautiful Barossa Valley wine region. We're heading off shortly. Reason being, according to him, is that he's been a real "prick" and I need a break.

 

I'm not sure what to think, but I am excited to get out of the house for a few days with my husband and the boys - no one else - and hopefully unwind and get some much need R&R.

 

Here's an idea-leave the boys with your MIL.

She might as well make herself useful if she's going to be a PITA.

 

I think it's nice that you're going on a trip but I'm wondering if this is just a band aid to shut you up for a while.

Does your husband give you gifts whenever he feels guilty?

[Chardonnay Renée]

I can tell that you're an intelligent lady, CR. It's very easy for a smart woman to be swept away by a handsome and charming manipulator. It's also common for salespeople to be manipulative liars because that's how they make sales.

 

When I was younger, I was in an abusive relationship. He was a much older manchild. The guy was very controlling and extremely manipulative. That's why he chose a naive and sheltered young girl. I was always scared to stand up for myself until one day I snapped. That was when he dialed back his abuse.

 

The more you obey your husband's every command, the less he will come to respect you in the long run. Right now he knows he can dominate you because of what he provides. Nothing will change until you demand that he listen to your feelings. The first step is to do what you wish when it comes to dealing with your MIL and seeing your parents.

 

Look, I believe in Biblical submission but I can tell you that submission is a precious gift of trust. It needs to be earned with honorable behavior. It should only be given to a husband who is protective and loving, not an emotional abuser who wants to dismiss all of your needs. Your husband is not worthy of the leadership position in your household because he abuses his power. My husband never allows his mother to disrespect me. She has in the past and my husband always politely put his mother in her place. He also listens to my concerns and opinions when it's time to make important decisions. I would not feel safe with a husband who did otherwise.

 

Thanks Betty. I really appreciate the support from you especially, as well as many others in here. I only hope that when I get the time I can read threads from other people and try to put back in what I've gotten out.

 

I'm really sorry that you had a terrible relationship previously. You now have a womderful husband by all reports, so it all worked out in the end. I have two kids with this man, and being a single parent is a terrifying thought.

 

I am not religious so I don't personally believe in any sort of agreed submission. I however understand and appreciate what you are saying, and the merits of which the Bible intends. I have definitely let my husband walk all over me, so it is time to stand up to him and my MIL!

 

I hope that our trip away will help things.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Here's an idea-leave the boys with your MIL.

She might as well make herself useful if she's going to be a PITA.

 

I think it's nice that you're going on a trip but I'm wondering if this is just a band aid to shut you up for a while.

Does your husband give you gifts whenever he feels guilty?

 

There's no way my MIL will have the boys for four days straight! She won't even have them for an afternoon! And I wouldn't want her too, either. She would just use it as a further hold over me anyway.

 

It could be a band-aid to shut me up. When he's been a jerk in the past he's bought me roses, my favourite bottle of wine etc. He's always been able to talk or buy himself out of trouble with me. I know, I'm stupid!

[Chardonnay Renée]

Yes, this is a massive issue and needs marriage counseling. Go on your own if your husband does not agree to accompany you.

 

Do not answer the door. You're still the one in charge when you're at home. Either pretend to not be home when she arrives and counter your husband's demands to the contrary (inform him that you do not need his permission to set reasonable boundaries that are necessary for your mental health while he is away) or tell her that she needs to schedule with you ahead of time and now is not a good time. I don't care if you have to say it through a closed door and walk away as she berates you. These are completely reasonable requests. Everyone needs boundaries. Everyone is entitled to privacy and time off.

 

I would schedule a trip to your parents. Your husband needs to see that this is not going to go away. He is enabling her abuse.

 

Let him know that babysitting your mother-in-law makes you feel drained and exhausted, and this--in combination with his neglecting to support you on this issue--leaves you little energy and desire for sex. That should perk up his attention. Tell him that you feel more connected to him and more in the mood when you feel cared for by him and that his ignoring this issue and pushing it under the rug is a big turn off. Tell him that her unannounced visits are causing you anxiety and affecting your sex drive (many women, btw, need to feel emotionally supported by their husbands in order to desire sex, so this is no anomaly and I doubt it is completely unrelated, either). Since it sounds like he is relatively self-absorbed and still has a penis, hopefully this will get him realizing how serious of an issue this is.

 

If he continues to ignore you on this issue, tell him that long-term you do not see a future with him if he continues to enable his mother's lack of boundaries and you will be seeking the guidance of a professional.

 

Thank you, hun. The support is appreciated. I have a lot of things to consider regarding how I will handle both my MIL and husband moving forward. All of you have given me such wonderful encouragement and advice. I am a litte more confused, but at the same time a little more clear regarding what's going on.

 

Re sex. I have tried to explain to my husband that how I am feeling right now isn't conducive to wanting to have sex. Sometimes when I tell him I'm not in the mood he huffs and puffs and then sulks in bed. He doesn't seem to care when I explained to him why his lack of emotional support affects my libido.

 

We haven't had sex in about five weeks. The last before that was three months. Since the last time we had sex, he hasn't really asked. Before that, he used to constantly pressure me into having sex until I gave in. The catalyst for him finally understanding the boundaries was as a result of me breaking down in tears and not talking to him for two days.

 

I can't help but feel that this trip away is all about him trying to woo me back into the mood again. I know he's struggling with the lack of sex, and as I've pointed out previously in this thread, I'm not deliberately withholding sex - I just find the idea very unappealing when I'm feeling so tired, drained and unappreciated.

[BettyDraper]

There's no way my MIL will have the boys for four days straight! She won't even have them for an afternoon! And I wouldn't want her too, either. She would just use it as a further hold over me anyway.

 

It could be a band-aid to shut me up. When he's been a jerk in the past he's bought me roses, my favourite bottle of wine etc. He's always been able to talk or buy himself out of trouble with me. I know, I'm stupid!

 

It could be that your husband plays on your love language being gifts.

[Chardonnay Renée]

OMG! So we rolled up to our accommodation and my husband had booked the honeymoon suite. I was thinking "WTF, we have the boys and this room, as beautiful as it is, is so not practical!

 

My hubby asked me what I thought of the room and I told him just as much, and he simply looked at me with that cheeky, smug grin which gets me almost every time. I demanded to know what was going on as the whole thing seemed strange.

 

Almost exactly on cue, there was a knock at the door. I said to my husband: "Who would that be? Room service?" He told me I'd better answer the door and find out. I asked him again what was going on and he just did a couple of little head tilts at the direction of the door while wrily smirking at me, prompting me to answer.

 

I went to the door and opened it. OMG! OMG! I nearly fainted! I was greeted to my parents simultaneously asking "Did someone call for a babysitter?" I'm not an overly sensitive person usually, but I was so overwhelmed that I had tears pouring down my cheeks!

 

It turns out my hubby planned this a month ago. He said he felt bad that my parents couldn't see the kids as much as his own parents and that he understood how much I missed my parents. So the boys are staying in a family suite and we have the honeymoon one to ourselves!

 

I love my husband to death. But I also hate him to death, too. He can be so amazingly romantic, funny, creative, spontaneous and loving. But he can also be a complete and utter arsehole. I'll just take this weekend as it comes - enjoy it for what it is and see how things pan out from here.

[Chardonnay Renée]

It could be that your husband plays on your love language being gifts.

 

Hmmm. I'm not quite sure how to take this. It doesn't exactly sound like a desirable trait.

[Arieswoman]

CR,

Have you arranged that time away to visit your parents yet?

[Globug]

I haven't said anything yet...just been reading but bottom line it does sound like you love your spouse very much. It sounds like since you have had your babies though you do not feel the same connection you once did. You feel isolated, unappreciated, and then on top of that you have the horrible MIL that your DH cannot / will not stand up to.

 

 

I don't think you married a con man, or a manipulator. I think you married a man that was raised by a horrible woman & he has not been taught some of the qualities he should have as a spouse. In fact he has been trained his entire life to give mom whatever she wants to keep her happy. He has probably watched his Dad and just followed suit. When you have been trained your entire life to cater to a person's tantrums it is not a quick fix to just stop and do something different. If you have always been someone in his life that has lifted him up, and supported him emotionally and finically while he was working on getting his business up and running then you are someone that has made life easier for him. SO now when there is conflict with his mom he just wants you to deal with it so it can be easy on him. Selfish??? Yes but it is not a conscious selfishness.

 

 

It can take a LONG time for your DH to get to the point where he can stand up to his mom but do not lose hope that he won't get there eventually.

 

 

I am kinda in a similar situation but it involves my DH EX MIL. Yeah how twisted is that. LOLOLOL She doesn't just show up at our house anymore but due to the hatred her daughter has of me she has pre-conceived ideas of how I have wronged her & she will call and rant at my DH about me. DH has told her he supports me & he cannot talk to her about me but he still has begged me to sit down and work things out with her.

 

 

I told him there is no need to because there is no need for her to be part of our life!! We actually had quite a few months of fighting over it & then I realized I have always made things easy for DH. Very hands on with my SS, dealt with his ex wife the majority of the time, took care of anything that would cause him stress. It is part of my nature and how I show my love but he has gotten spoiled by it & just wanted me to "fix this" and didn't understand why I couldn't. The ex MIL was a part of his life when he was very young & he lost his mother and that is why she has the hold on him that she does and he has been trained with the mindset of "Oh that is just how she is." When I told him he had been trained to accept that behavior it REALLY offended him but I think it finally hit home too.

 

 

I hope you can find the way to communicate to your DH what you need from him where it will finally get through. I think counseling would be a great starting point for you to find your voice and learn how to communicate. As far as your MIL goes, I would try & be pro-active with her since right now confrontation is to much for her.

 

 

I would call her at the beginning of the week and just say: "Hi MIL!! I am working on getting a bit more structured and organized now that the kiddos are getting a little older and making us a schedule weekly. What days are you wanting to come over to see them so I can pencil you in? Will Tuesday and Friday work for you at this time?"

[BettyDraper]

Hmmm. I'm not quite sure how to take this. It doesn't exactly sound like a desirable trait.

 

Maybe you're not familiar with the 5 Love Languages. They are Gifts, Words, Touch, Quality Time and Acts of Service.

The love languages represent the different ways we give and receive love.

 

There's nothing wrong with having "Gifts" as your primary love language at all so please don't feel insulted.

[BettyDraper]

OMG! So we rolled up to our accommodation and my husband had booked the honeymoon suite. I was thinking "WTF, we have the boys and this room, as beautiful as it is, is so not practical!

 

My hubby asked me what I thought of the room and I told him just as much, and he simply looked at me with that cheeky, smug grin which gets me almost every time. I demanded to know what was going on as the whole thing seemed strange.

 

Almost exactly on cue, there was a knock at the door. I said to my husband: "Who would that be? Room service?" He told me I'd better answer the door and find out. I asked him again what was going on and he just did a couple of little head tilts at the direction of the door while wrily smirking at me, prompting me to answer.

 

I went to the door and opened it. OMG! OMG! I nearly fainted! I was greeted to my parents simultaneously asking "Did someone call for a babysitter?" I'm not an overly sensitive person usually, but I was so overwhelmed that I had tears pouring down my cheeks!

 

It turns out my hubby planned this a month ago. He said he felt bad that my parents couldn't see the kids as much as his own parents and that he understood how much I missed my parents. So the boys are staying in a family suite and we have the honeymoon one to ourselves!

 

I love my husband to death. But I also hate him to death, too. He can be so amazingly romantic, funny, creative, spontaneous and loving. But he can also be a complete and utter arsehole. I'll just take this weekend as it comes - enjoy it for what it is and see how things pan out from here.

 

I must say that I'm impressed with your husband's surprise. It was very loving and thoughtful. I suppose he's fine with you seeing your parents as long as it's on his terms and he can see the boys. Marriage is about compromise and only you can decide if a relationship with your parents should be based on your husband's needs.

 

The romantic gestures either come from a loving place or a need to make you forget about what has happened recently. You know your husband better than anyone here. What do you think the romantic gestures are about?

 

Enjoy your weekend. You deserve it! I hope that you and your husband can work out the MIL problems together when you get home. Keep us posted.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Maybe you're not familiar with the 5 Love Languages. They are Gifts, Words, Touch, Quality Time and Acts of Service.

The love languages represent the different ways we give and receive love.

 

There's nothing wrong with having "Gifts" as your primary love language at all so please don't feel insulted.

 

Oh, right. I am familiar with the book title but I have not read it. I know what you mean now, but it didn't hit me when I initially read it. All good.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I haven't said anything yet...just been reading but bottom line it does sound like you love your spouse very much. It sounds like since you have had your babies though you do not feel the same connection you once did. You feel isolated, unappreciated, and then on top of that you have the horrible MIL that your DH cannot / will not stand up to.

 

 

I don't think you married a con man, or a manipulator. I think you married a man that was raised by a horrible woman & he has not been taught some of the qualities he should have as a spouse. In fact he has been trained his entire life to give mom whatever she wants to keep her happy. He has probably watched his Dad and just followed suit. When you have been trained your entire life to cater to a person's tantrums it is not a quick fix to just stop and do something different. If you have always been someone in his life that has lifted him up, and supported him emotionally and finically while he was working on getting his business up and running then you are someone that has made life easier for him. SO now when there is conflict with his mom he just wants you to deal with it so it can be easy on him. Selfish??? Yes but it is not a conscious selfishness.

 

 

It can take a LONG time for your DH to get to the point where he can stand up to his mom but do not lose hope that he won't get there eventually.

 

 

I am kinda in a similar situation but it involves my DH EX MIL. Yeah how twisted is that. LOLOLOL She doesn't just show up at our house anymore but due to the hatred her daughter has of me she has pre-conceived ideas of how I have wronged her & she will call and rant at my DH about me. DH has told her he supports me & he cannot talk to her about me but he still has begged me to sit down and work things out with her.

 

 

I told him there is no need to because there is no need for her to be part of our life!! We actually had quite a few months of fighting over it & then I realized I have always made things easy for DH. Very hands on with my SS, dealt with his ex wife the majority of the time, took care of anything that would cause him stress. It is part of my nature and how I show my love but he has gotten spoiled by it & just wanted me to "fix this" and didn't understand why I couldn't. The ex MIL was a part of his life when he was very young & he lost his mother and that is why she has the hold on him that she does and he has been trained with the mindset of "Oh that is just how she is." When I told him he had been trained to accept that behavior it REALLY offended him but I think it finally hit home too.

 

 

I hope you can find the way to communicate to your DH what you need from him where it will finally get through. I think counseling would be a great starting point for you to find your voice and learn how to communicate. As far as your MIL goes, I would try & be pro-active with her since right now confrontation is to much for her.

 

 

I would call her at the beginning of the week and just say: "Hi MIL!! I am working on getting a bit more structured and organized now that the kiddos are getting a little older and making us a schedule weekly. What days are you wanting to come over to see them so I can pencil you in? Will Tuesday and Friday work for you at this time?"

 

This is an amazing post! The first half of your post helped me empathise with my husband's plight. He is never scared to say what he think to anyone, but his unwillingness to pick his own mother up on poor behaviour/attitude is certainly at odds with how I've observed him dealing with others.

 

This is, however, no excuse for treating me poorly and taking for granted that I will just put up with his mother, and to a lesser extent, him. You are absolutely right in that I feel as though I've been his rock the whole time we've been together; I feel like the support I've provided has been the conduit that's kept everything together while he's built up his business.

 

I can go to sleep every night knowing that I have put in 100 percent effort to supporting my husband, our relationship and his business. My wage went in to building his business in the early days. I trusted him and absolutely believed in him. I invested in his success - in our success. My husband has admitted as much and has credited me to his friends, family and business colleagues more than I had ever sought.

 

The problem is that he thinks he's now putting back in what I put in in the early days. He throws money at me and really doesn't care what I buy, how often I buy or, to a level at which I haven't yet explored the ceiling of yet - how much it cost. It sounds like every girl's dream, right? Well, it is... sort of! However, the shine of material possessions wears off quickly when you're left wanting emotionally.

 

With everything I invested in my husband and his success, I don't feel like much investment is put back in to my success. I have money at my disposal, but not much else. My husband thinks that supplementing money for emotional support - especially when it's his mother who is causing me a lot of anguish - will cut it. Unfortunately for him, it won't.

 

I'm sure some here will just think I'm a spoilt brat having a whinge because I'm not getting my way with everything. The reality is, I want my husband back to being the loving, supporting man that he was in the beginning.

 

I can't change the fact that he works 15 hour days - I knew this would be a reality. But I can hope that he makes the rest of his time count with me. I can also hope that he'll one day put his mother in her place and not leave me to deal with her. That may not come without therapy, though.

 

This weekend has been a good start. My hubby is off with my Dad for a round of golf while I'm sitting here with my boys, who are both having a nap, while waiting for my Mum to get ready and come over. We're going to a local vineyard for some wine tasting where we'll be greeted to the boys in the evening for dinner.

 

Holidays and weekend getaways can be great ways to wallpaper over cracks in any relationship. They can also be very important ways to reboot and reconnect. I'm very unsure about the latter; I guess I'll wait and see once we get back tomorrow evening just how the mood is and whether it looks like we'll forge a stronger bond together to move forward.

Edited June 11, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[Chardonnay Renée]

I must say that I'm impressed with your husband's surprise. It was very loving and thoughtful. I suppose he's fine with you seeing your parents as long as it's on his terms and he can see the boys. Marriage is about compromise and only you can decide if a relationship with your parents should be based on your husband's needs.

 

The romantic gestures either come from a loving place or a need to make you forget about what has happened recently. You know your husband better than anyone here. What do you think the romantic gestures are about?

 

Enjoy your weekend. You deserve it! I hope that you and your husband can work out the MIL problems together when you get home. Keep us posted.

 

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement, Betty.

 

I had a long discussion with my mum as she knew something was up with me. She kept probing at me, looking at me with that raised eyebrow she does so well while saying: "Renée, I know you... you don't lie very well... " and so forth. I eventually wilted and spilled my guts.

 

Mum was a little concerned about my hubby's behaviour. She was quite concerned about my MIL's behaviour, though. She did say she wasn't really surprised as she always found Evelyn (my MIL) to be a right PITA as well.

 

My mum suggested that she might stay over for a period of time every so often, to balance up my MIL and to see the kids more. She's also going to use it as a way to subtly back me up against my MIL if she causes issues, or even hubby if he's being a dick.

 

My hubby surely can't have an issue with my mum staying over. And if he does, what of it? He's not exactly going to tell her she's not welcome. He's always wanted to maintain a very high impression to my parents, so I dare say he'd even "suck **** up" himself to preserve that.

 

Honestly though, I think it will be all good.

 

As for hubby's intentions this weekend; well, it was a few things really. He wanted to get back in the good books as he knew things were a bit frosty. He definitely organised a room for just the two of us so he could *ahem* rekindle the romance in that department. And it worked!

 

Only time will tell what his true intentions will be. He did go almost OTT all weekend to make sure I was happy and relaxed. We did have a fantastic time and I do feel so much better than I did a few days ago.

[Globug]

Sometimes getting away to reconnect is all you need to feel strong enough to tackle the other issues. As long as I feel connected to my DH I feel I can take on the world even if we do not see eye to eye.

[BettyDraper]

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement, Betty.

 

I had a long discussion with my mum as she knew something was up with me. She kept probing at me, looking at me with that raised eyebrow she does so well while saying: "Renée, I know you... you don't lie very well... " and so forth. I eventually wilted and spilled my guts.

 

Mum was a little concerned about my hubby's behaviour. She was quite concerned about my MIL's behaviour, though. She did say she wasn't really surprised as she always found Evelyn (my MIL) to be a right PITA as well.

 

My mum suggested that she might stay over for a period of time every so often, to balance up my MIL and to see the kids more. She's also going to use it as a way to subtly back me up against my MIL if she causes issues, or even hubby if he's being a dick.

 

My hubby surely can't have an issue with my mum staying over. And if he does, what of it? He's not exactly going to tell her she's not welcome. He's always wanted to maintain a very high impression to my parents, so I dare say he'd even "suck **** up" himself to preserve that.

 

Honestly though, I think it will be all good.

 

As for hubby's intentions this weekend; well, it was a few things really. He wanted to get back in the good books as he knew things were a bit frosty. He definitely organised a room for just the two of us so he could *ahem* rekindle the romance in that department. And it worked!

 

Only time will tell what his true intentions will be. He did go almost OTT all weekend to make sure I was happy and relaxed. We did have a fantastic time and I do feel so much better than I did a few days ago.

 

What a loving mom you have! It's a great idea to have her stay over.

I'm sure your husband wouldn't have a problem with that and I'm glad you are willing to stand up to him if he does. Your family of origin is just as important as his is.

 

It's always great to reconnect sexually because it helps to smooth over disagreements and any lingering anger. My husband and I were arguing this week and we spent hours in bed today.

 

I hope you and your husband had a great week.