My mother-in-law is doing my head in!

[Chardonnay Renée]

What a terrible ordeal! I'm glad that your husband is supportive.

The OP's husband needs to treat her with far more respect and stand up for her. If not, I don't see how this marriage will be successful. That's why I suggested counseling.

 

My MIL has commented on my weight and the fact that I snore. I lost weight but I still snore. My husband stood up to her and she told him she wished he was never born. My in laws live far away so we just haven't been back to visit. We will be staying in a hotel the next time and though my MIL will be angry, my husband isn't going to tolerate his mother taking shots at his wife. Luckily, my FIL is a kind and easygoing man. I love him.

 

Some MILs are so narcissistic that they can't fathom their sons putting their wives ahead of them. They think that they should be the queen of their son's hearts forever, so when their sons get married they make life hell for the wives. I have a cousin who is single in his 50s because he allowed his mother to ruin his relationships more than once.

OMG! My MIL has done this to me as weĺl. It's horrible and I'm sorry you were made to feel bad about your weight. That's awful!

 

I have never had a weight problem, but I did put on weight after having our twins. I had a c-section so I found it hard to get back to the gym straight away. I felt very self-conscious.

 

My MIL, who always talks about how she had "three healthy boys, the natural way" pinched my belly about six weeks after I'd given birth and said "giving birth is no excuse for skin folds".

 

I told my hubby this later. He said "I wasn't there so I don't know what context it was said in." I hit the roof and said that it doesn't matter what context it was said in, it was hurtful!

 

The context, and I perhaps walked into it with this one, was that I tried to make conversation with my MIL one afternoon when she was just sitting on my sofa watching Ellen to remove the nervous energy.

 

I told MIL that I wa so glad to be able to drive again so I could get back to the gym soon (because my stomach had pretty much healed up). At that point I'd got up to make us both a cup of tea.

 

When I brought the cup of tea back and placed it on the side table next to where MIL was sitting, instead of saying thank you, she did the aforementioned.

 

I told her not to touch me there and she giggled and said "Oh relax sweety, I'm sure you'll be back on the horse before you know it." I repeated and she brushed it aside, saying that I need to "develop a thicker skin... no pun intended."

 

Her jokes are always demeaning and insensitive. When she's called on them she deflects, sayjng that it's the person on the recieving end's fault for not being able to take a joke, or being overly sensitive.

 

All of these little barbs keep making small cuts. They have a cumulative effect. They get tiring. I try to ignore or play them down, but within every barb is a passive-agressive shot at me to let me know that I'm falling short with something and that I'm on notice.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Not every woman is cut out to be a SAHM and that's okay. I don't think it made sense to marry a man who wants a SAHM when that isn't what you wanted. It looks like you got caught up in your husband's appearance, status, income and charisma. Men like that tend to be very appearance oriented and having a wife who stays home is a status symbol. Most men enjoy the provider role even when their wives work though. Your husband takes the need to provide to an unhealthy level because status is important to him, so that's why he treats you like an object rather than a person. I'm not sure what you were expecting when your husband made his wishes very clear.

 

I'm a housewife leech. I contribute to society by being a source of support for my husband who has a demanding career as a P.Eng. I also enjoy volunteering. When people make snide remarks about me being at home, I just smile and ask how many hungry or homeless people they have helped. I'm also much happier in this role than I was in the corporate world. I'm not surprised that you look down on the housewife role because that attitude is very common in modern society.

 

Raising children is a very honorable task and it's a shame that so many moms think that being a full time SAHM is beneath them. That said, your decisions are not your MIL's concern so she shouldn't be throwing jabs at you. I don't think you're a brat but you are fortunate to have the option to stay at home. Lots of women would love to have that choice. However, I can appreciate that you are not the type to be "just a housewife." The way you described your husband's personality makes me think that being financially dependent on him would not be in your best interests. Power can have a corrupting influence and some men will allow power to turn them into dictators.

 

I think you have summed up my husband fairly well in your first paragraph. What I will say is that when I got with him he didn't have a great deal of money. He was still paying back business loans and was still living in a modest house, driving a modest car etc.

 

It really has been only the last two-to-three years that his business has boomed. Before that, we actually needed my income to survive. To be fair, he paid for a wedding ring that blew me away, and amazing honeymoon in the Maldives, plus a fair chunk towards the wedding.

 

My husband, before we were married, always praised me for how hard I worked and how he appreciated me giving him so much latitude to building his business while I also worked and kept the house running.

 

Never did I think that the things he appreciated about me before his business grew rapidly would dissipate after that. I feel like I'm no longer needed for much anymore. It's like he's featuring in the star role, and I'm merely the support cast.

 

I hope you realise I meant to offence when I spoke about a "housewife leech." It was said purely in relation to my MIL, who sees her role of housewife (in reality just doing whatever she wants to do) as something that her husband should feel obligated and honoured to provide.

 

Perhaps I need to concede that my most important job isn't to bring money in, but to provide the support role. And perhaps I need to look into a volunteering role where I can feel like I can contribute to society again. Perhaps I'm just desperately clinging on to something which I hope will gain me some respect.

 

I can tell you now that it feels like my husband doesn't respect me as much as he used to. It feels like he doesn't want or expect anything from me on a personal level other than to remain some pretty thing to hang of his arm and to always **** him whenever the mood strikes.

 

If I had gotten with a rich man to start with, then perhaps I should have evaluated better with regards what he wanted in a wife. But, I feel as though his ego has grown to the size of Mt. Everest while I've been left to languish at base camp.

 

While I have never had a reason to not trust him, in reality my husband is a man who generally gets what he wants, and I do feel pressure that if I don't give him what he wants (demands) then he could find it elsewhere. It's awful to think, I know, but he wouldn't have any trouble finding a willing participant.

Edited June 3, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[BettyDraper]

OMG! My MIL has done this to me as weĺl. It's horrible and I'm sorry you were made to feel bad about your weight. That's awful!

 

I have never had a weight problem, but I did put on weight after having our twins. I had a c-section so I found it hard to get back to the gym straight away. I felt very self-conscious.

 

My MIL, who always talks about how she had "three healthy boys, the natural way" pinched my belly about six weeks after I'd given birth and said "giving birth is no excuse for skin folds".

 

I told my hubby this later. He said "I wasn't there so I don't know what context it was said in." I hit the roof and said that it doesn't matter what context it was said in, it was hurtful!

 

The context, and I perhaps walked into it with this one, was that I tried to make conversation with my MIL one afternoon when she was just sitting on my sofa watching Ellen to remove the nervous energy.

 

I told MIL that I wa so glad to be able to drive again so I could get back to the gym soon (because my stomach had pretty much healed up). At that point I'd got up to make us both a cup of tea.

 

When I brought the cup of tea back and placed it on the side table next to where MIL was sitting, instead of saying thank you, she did the aforementioned.

 

I told her not to touch me there and she giggled and said "Oh relax sweety, I'm sure you'll be back on the horse before you know it." I repeated and she brushed it aside, saying that I need to "develop a thicker skin... no pun intended."

 

Her jokes are always demeaning and insensitive. When she's called on them she deflects, sayjng that it's the person on the recieving end's fault for not being able to take a joke, or being overly sensitive.

 

All of these little barbs keep making small cuts. They have a cumulative effect. They get tiring. I try to ignore or play them down, but within every barb is a passive-agressive shot at me to let me know that I'm falling short with something and that I'm on notice.

 

Thanks. I was larger then but that was still no excuse to mention my weight.

 

Your MIL knows damn well what she's doing when she makes these "jokes." I don't think she's being funny at all. She wants to demean you. Your MIL also needs to keep her negative opinions to herself. It's hard enough being a new mother without your MIL taking shots at you every minute.

 

What did your husband say when you hit the roof? I'm wondering if your husband is accustomed to his mother making rude comments so that's why he brushes off your complaints. It's not an excuse.

[Arieswoman]

CR,

 

Sometimes I just want to pack my boys in the car and head for my parents' farm where I feel at peace and with support around me.

 

^^^ This may not be such a bad idea. Why not do just that (tell your husband of course) and take a holiday?

 

PS. You're not "oversensitive" your MIL is a nasty piece of work.

[LurkerXX]

You definitely need a break and SHOULD make visits, several times a year if possible, to your parents. No, it is not the ultimate fix, but it will give you some time to think in a more supportive, less isolated, environment.

 

Others have already given you better advice than I can manage, but I second the difficult reality that this is unlikely to change without your husband on board.

[Chardonnay Renée]

hey renee, i can guarantee two things therapy will help you and i can also guarantee 100 per cent it will get to a point in your life you will not avoid confrontation..

 

you will bottle up all these offenses until you burst....its human nature...either you discuss and deal with issues(not confront discuss) in small increments as they happen with thoughtful truths or you wait until its boiling inside you and you cant contain it or you run so its

fight or flight.....

 

manipulation from your mil is a form or abuse and ignorance from your husband is a mild form of also,and it adds up....to massive hurt for every one involved if it were to get to boiling point....im glad that you feel a little better through talking on here...its not enough for you though in the long run.......

 

just to let you know i have massive anxiety with confrontation......massive...i stutter in confrontation feel confused and panic..i struggle to find the right words which is killer to me........ and have been ridiculed for that...

 

how i look at it is i am going to get anxious confronting or not.....i prefer to handle my issues in small increments where it is a discussion not a massive confront.....i have been physically beaten in confronting situations where i refuse to back down....and give in.....i have been insulted threatened and ridiculed in different sort of arguments.....with one partner high on drugs who threatened to cut my oldest daughter out of me i got to the point where i said do it but you will have to kill me because i planned on fighting.....

 

.i know confrontation..do i fear it hell yes i do ...its horrid.....but...whatever happens....i am still kicking having gone through confrontation adn i have stood alone too.....and im nothing special.i have a mental illness to deal with a few mental illnesses actually....i am a pacifist who knows how to fire an slr.....so i have developed over the years through trauma..different personalities to deal with things i have had to deal with.....

 

and i know it comes to a point in any sort of situation you are being held under...you are going to either fight to come up for air or fight to swim away.....therapy is what you need you need to gain strength to swim and how fast to swim...and when to swim and when to tread water..so strategies.....in therapy will help you to deal with issues before they become so massive you cant.....

 

 

strategies.without fighting...just to swim.....and to not develop any personality disorder yourself...putting up with things you should not adn storing up offenses and boundary breaks..... your body will defend itself as will your mind ..and it does so by developing coping strategies all on its own you will not be able to control......in severe cases of years and years of boiling point ...you could develop some really debilitating mental conditions...depression being one.....that will be triggered instead of a healthy approach to conflict resolution.....its not confrontation fi you ge tto it early enough its resolution...mediation...discussion.....

 

 

seek help and drag that hubby with you ...because you have twins i believe who need you mentally and emotionally stable.....i fyou feel you cant face you rmil...think of them....and how much they need you to stand up..i guarantee you will.....one day...either way ...stand or run......especially fi you seek therapy ..you are going to stand up......to maintain your own sanity.........i wish you nothing but the best....deb....

 

Thanks Deb.

 

It sounds like you've gone to hell and back! I am so grateful that I haven't had to experience some of the awful things thag some women have had to ensdure.

 

I had a talk with my husband yesterday regarding a few issues. He conceded that his mind has been elsewhere due to some stressful things he's had tl sort out with the business.

 

He apologised to me for making me feel alienated and knows that he must communicate for effectively and that I deserve to not feel ignored or shut out.

 

I told him that his mother is driving me crazy and that I can put up with her in certain doses, but not to the extent that it currently is - certainly not with the imbalance of my husband being away for sixteen hours a day.

 

I don't know what will come of it in the next few weeks, but it's positive signs. Actually, it's the first positive sign I've had since having the boys.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Thanks. I was larger then but that was still no excuse to mention my weight.

 

Your MIL knows damn well what she's doing when she makes these "jokes." I don't think she's being funny at all. She wants to demean you. Your MIL also needs to keep her negative opinions to herself. It's hard enough being a new mother without your MIL taking shots at you every minute.

 

What did your husband say when you hit the roof? I'm wondering if your husband is accustomed to his mother making rude comments so that's why he brushes off your complaints. It's not an excuse.

 

Yes, she absolutely knows what she's doing! Oddly, one of the things that gets me through it is knowing that it's almost not personal. I see her consistently behave this way towards almost everyone. I just happen to be on the end of it the most because I'm around her the most!

 

My husband said "Yeah, Mum's sense of humour is an aquired taste." I told him: "No, her jokes are just off... rotten in fact! And I'm sick to death of them." He got the message as he was willing to listen to me yesterday as well as concede that he has not handled certain aspects of his mother and our relationship all that well.

 

I know that my MIL used to play mind games with her son's when they were kids. She would biuld this artificially competitive construct within the household, to set the boys off against one another.

 

My hubby is laid back and doesn't let too much bother him - probably because he backs himself to fix whatever life throws at him. As the youngest brother, he was never perturbed by his two older brothers when they put the heat on him. It's partly why the middle brother has resentment issues with his brother and mother.

 

Honestly, I just think she's the kind of person who gets off on drama and conflict. If she's doesn't have someone to bitch about, someone to clash heads with, someone who's cage is easily rattled for her own enjoyment - if she doesn't have thoss things then she's empty.

 

I find her a very frustrating but ultimately sad individual.

[Chardonnay Renée]

CR,

 

 

 

^^^ This may not be such a bad idea. Why not do just that (tell your husband of course) and take a holiday?

 

PS. You're not "oversensitive" your MIL is a nasty piece of work.

 

Thanks for the support. He would not approve of me taking the boys away by myself. He does live for the boys and is an excellent father. We do make a habit of getting out of the city and heading to my parents' property once a month.

 

Alternate fortnights my parents drive down to the city and either have dinner with us, or we all go out to dinner with all four parents. I know my parents don't enjoy doing that as much because my MIL will either make a scene, incessantly whinge about something or be very rude to the waiting staff, or them!

 

I think partly my problem is that I am a country girl at heart. I could have no issues going on at all but still miss home. It's just that my heart strings are pulled tightly when I feel anxious, sad or overwhelmed.

[Chardonnay Renée]

You definitely need a break and SHOULD make visits, several times a year if possible, to your parents. No, it is not the ultimate fix, but it will give you some time to think in a more supportive, less isolated, environment.

 

Others have already given you better advice than I can manage, but I second the difficult reality that this is unlikely to change without your husband on board.

 

Thanks Lurker.

 

As posted previously, I do get to their place once a month, but it's never for a sustained amount of time. We've only ever stayed at their house once overnight, so it hardly feels like I've gotten away.

 

I understand that the biggest hurdle in this issue is getting my husband on board. I need him to understand that it's a problem for me. He does struggle to comprehend why people are bothered by things that don't bother him. That's something that I've worked on changing for some time.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks Deb.

 

It sounds like you've gone to hell and back! I am so grateful that I haven't had to experience some of the awful things thag some women have had to ensdure.

 

I had a talk with my husband yesterday regarding a few issues. He conceded that his mind has been elsewhere due to some stressful things he's had tl sort out with the business.

 

He apologised to me for making me feel alienated and knows that he must communicate for effectively and that I deserve to not feel ignored or shut out.

 

I told him that his mother is driving me crazy and that I can put up with her in certain doses, but not to the extent that it currently is - certainly not with the imbalance of my husband being away for sixteen hours a day.

 

I don't know what will come of it in the next few weeks, but it's positive signs. Actually, it's the first positive sign I've had since having the boys.

 

 

im really glad your husband is listening to you not just hearing you renee..it will make a hell of a difference to how you feel ......especially if he ramps up the listening to be supportive and stands by you as far as his mother is concerned....i wish you and yours well...deb

[preraph]

Put a "Do not Disturb" sign on the door and tell her you use that when you need to shower or take a nap. If she has a key, change the locks.

[BettyDraper]

Thanks Lurker.

 

As posted previously, I do get to their place once a month, but it's never for a sustained amount of time. We've only ever stayed at their house once overnight, so it hardly feels like I've gotten away.

 

I understand that the biggest hurdle in this issue is getting my husband on board. I need him to understand that it's a problem for me. He does struggle to comprehend why people are bothered by things that don't bother him. That's something that I've worked on changing for some time.

 

Your husband doesn't seem to have a lot of empathy.

 

 

I'm glad that your husband is starting to see your side. However, this marriage is still very one sided. It's all about making your husband happy.

 

It's not fair that you have to see your MIL all the time, yet you can't take your sons to see your parents for a weekend. Your in laws are not the only grandparents. Honestly, you and your boys should go to your parents for the weekend and leave a note as well as call your husband when you get there. He can't do much when you're already gone. If your husband gets mad, just remind him that your sons have other grandparents.

 

You need to teach your husband how to treat you.

[Pastypop]

I have 26 years of experience of being abused by my Mil and husband's family Pack up a few bags and go spend the summer with your parents. You will feel much better. Spend all the kids breaks with your family. Get the locks changed on your doors and don't let her in when she comes over. Just tell your husband that you didn't hear the door. Don't go out of your way to make her feel welcome in your home and don't call her or invite her anywhere. Only deal with her if you want too.

 

A consoler told me one time that I don't have to spend my holidays, vacations or other times with those horrible people and she was right. Thanks to my MIL's abuse and bullying, I never really developed a strong bond with my kids. She made me feel like a failure at being a parent and a wife. It took me several years to finally get her out of our lives. I quit having any contact with family members and let them hang themselves. They just couldn't stop. When they finally asked my kids why I was a horrible person after had I not spoken nor seen them in 7 years, that was the last straw.

 

It is sad that my kids no longer have relationships with my husband's family but, they should have thought of that when they were giving me the silent treatment, ruining my reputation, bullying and abusing me. You are going to have to stand up for yourself and suffer though the consequences if you want any peace. Your husband won't do it for you.

 

Also, it would not be a bad idea to go back to work so you have your own income and retirement savings but use daycare. Definitely don't leave the kids with her. There is no way on the face of this earth that I will ever leave my kids alone with the inlaws again, nor will the kids or I ever speak to them again.

[Pastypop]

Here's a few more thoughts. When she comes over, take the kids and lock yourselves in your bedroom and watch Netflix. Or take the kids and leave when she comes over. If she asks where you're going tell her the doctor/appointment/kid's practice or just act like you don't hear her.

 

Leave the house a mess and when she comes over, go out and do something you enjoy or take a nap leaving her with your housework to do. Don't tell her you're leaving, just go.

 

Or better yet, sit on the couch reading a book or playing on the iPhone while she cleans up your place. Also, put the kid's in a bunch of activities that take up a lot of her time with them. That really chapped my MIL's butt when I did that. Football and baseball are good ones as they tie up 4 days a week. You will also make friends with the other mom's there.

 

Sure, she will complain to your husband and he will sheepishly ask you about it. Just say you don't know what he's talking about. Things are great! Both of them will get the hint at some point.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Put a "Do not Disturb" sign on the door and tell her you use that when you need to shower or take a nap. If she has a key, change the locks.

 

She does not have a spare key. However, this one time when I pretended I wasn't home she started calling my phone, frantically messaging etc. I didn't respond and then I got a call five minutes later from my husband.

 

The crazy woman had rang him and said: "Renée isn't home and isn't answering her phone, is everything all right... where has she ducked off too?". The stupid man dropped me right in it, didn't he? He told her I WAS home and that he'd call me to see what was going on.

 

I told my husband I just didn't want to face her today and he got really angry at me and said it was disgusting and callous behaviour to leave his mother outside in the heat and pretend to not be there.

 

He told me he'd call her back and tell her that I just missed her calls and didn't hear the knock at the door and "just noticed the phone when he rang" so I'd be down in a minute to let her in. He told me that what I did was completely unacceptable and shameful but that I "wouldn't be dropped in it this time."

[Chardonnay Renée]

Your husband doesn't seem to have a lot of empathy.

 

 

I'm glad that your husband is starting to see your side. However, this marriage is still very one sided. It's all about making your husband happy.

 

It's not fair that you have to see your MIL all the time, yet you can't take your sons to see your parents for a weekend. Your in laws are not the only grandparents. Honestly, you and your boys should go to your parents for the weekend and leave a note as well as call your husband when you get there. He can't do much when you're already gone. If your husband gets mad, just remind him that your sons have other grandparents.

 

You need to teach your husband how to treat you.

My husband has high emotional intelligence, he just lacks any desire to be empathetic. He just doesn't seem to care how things affect me - he only wants my behaviour to conform with his ideals, no matter the impact it has on me.

 

I suggested last night that I need to get away for a few days to my parents house. He asked: "A few days? We can't stay at your folks' house, that isn't going to work." I told him that it would work for me, as I wasn't planning on him being there.

 

He then started asking me why I want to leave him, what has he done wrong, I don't like where this is heading etc. I said I just need to get away and my parents' house is therapy for me.

 

He said he would not accept not seeing the boys for "days on end, as they're my world and seeing their face at the end of a stressful day is what makes it all worth the effort." Then he went down the path of asking me if I thought he deserved to be separated from his boys.

 

I told him that it's not all about him, that I feel like a prisoner in this house sometimes, that his mother does my head in. I started getting really upset. He got me a tissue, put his arm around me to console me.

 

I thought he was willing to listen and understand. What he said to me was one of the most hurtful things I've ever heard come out of his mouth. He said in a very calm and assertive manner:

 

"Both you and I know that your life is the envy of most women. Take a look around you, the four walls contained within this house, the ****ing BMW you drive around in... everything. You have everything because of me and turning on the waterworks and getting hysterical will not undermine this fact."

 

I lost my **** in an uncontrolled rage. Luckily the boys were asleep up the other end of the house. I threw the keys at him, narrowly missing him and yelled "You can shove it up your arse" and went straight to the spare room. I couldn't stop crying all night.

 

My husband left for work a couple of hours ago. I'm waiting for the fallout to come. One thing is for sure - if I see that stupid bitch of a MIL she's going to cop it! I'm not in the mood for her or her bull****!

[Whoknew30]

Coming from an extremely close family...I think you're being a bit petty. I personally think bc you're a mom & that you're taking some of your frustrations of being tired mom of twins a out on your MIL...some of things you're stating should be easy to blow off.

 

She did raise the man you decided to have kids with & having a bad MIL myself, I never understood this "my H doesn't stick up for me". I personally think it's childish to put your spouse in the middle of an issue with another adult, even if it is their parent. You have a mouth right? Why are you transferring your frustration to your H bc of his mom? Since when does an adult have control over another adult's words? IMO, that's where marriage issues come from when pertaining to Inlaws...taking out on a spouse what their parents do, as adult children have control over adult parents.

 

If you don't like what his mother is saying, speak up woman to woman? Confrontation doesn't have to ever be disrespectful.

 

You have twins...one day when they marry & their spouses have an issue with you, would you want them to put your kids in the middle or speak to you as an actual adult? Your husband says something to her & they start fighting...guess who looks like a trouble maker that can't speak for herself...you do.

 

I've left my H out of any issue I've had with his parents (& there's been some bad ones) bc that's the mature thing to do. Speak to her yourself, respectfully & sincerely. It's a starting point & go from there. If she really doesn't listen or it gets ugly, then let her see the kids when your H is home.

 

What gets an Inlaw the most, is when they see they're not affecting you. Good luck!

[Chardonnay Renée]

I have 26 years of experience of being abused by my Mil and husband's family Pack up a few bags and go spend the summer with your parents. You will feel much better. Spend all the kids breaks with your family. Get the locks changed on your doors and don't let her in when she comes over. Just tell your husband that you didn't hear the door. Don't go out of your way to make her feel welcome in your home and don't call her or invite her anywhere. Only deal with her if you want too.

 

A consoler told me one time that I don't have to spend my holidays, vacations or other times with those horrible people and she was right. Thanks to my MIL's abuse and bullying, I never really developed a strong bond with my kids. She made me feel like a failure at being a parent and a wife. It took me several years to finally get her out of our lives. I quit having any contact with family members and let them hang themselves. They just couldn't stop. When they finally asked my kids why I was a horrible person after had I not spoken nor seen them in 7 years, that was the last straw.

 

It is sad that my kids no longer have relationships with my husband's family but, they should have thought of that when they were giving me the silent treatment, ruining my reputation, bullying and abusing me. You are going to have to stand up for yourself and suffer though the consequences if you want any peace. Your husband won't do it for you.

 

Also, it would not be a bad idea to go back to work so you have your own income and retirement savings but use daycare. Definitely don't leave the kids with her. There is no way on the face of this earth that I will ever leave my kids alone with the inlaws again, nor will the kids or I ever speak to them again.

 

Oh Patsy, this is a terrible story!

 

One of my biggest fears is that my MIL will wear me down to the point where I will develop a mental health issue. I want to be at the top of my game to raise these boys to be the best they can be. I can't do that if I'm worn out!

 

I would like to go back to work, potentially, but my hubby doesn't want the kids in childcare. He's already made that clear. If I stamp my feet who knows where it would end. I don't normally get my own way - I just get told I'm ungrateful for all the good things I have.

 

I'm trying not to think it, but I feel as though my husband is making it harder and harder for me to feel independent, so I then feel further attached to him so that he can more easily control me. Of course, if I dared suggested this it wouldn't go down well. And I can't be sure, it's just a hunch.

 

One thing is for sure, if my hubby starts becoming more and more like his mother as he gets older, there's no way I'll be able to stay the long haul. Therapy would be needed and if things still deteriorated, I'd probably have a breakdown if I stayed.

[BettyDraper]

My husband has high emotional intelligence, he just lacks any desire to be empathetic. He just doesn't seem to care how things affect me - he only wants my behaviour to conform with his ideals, no matter the impact it has on me.

 

I suggested last night that I need to get away for a few days to my parents house. He asked: "A few days? We can't stay at your folks' house, that isn't going to work." I told him that it would work for me, as I wasn't planning on him being there.

 

He then started asking me why I want to leave him, what has he done wrong, I don't like where this is heading etc. I said I just need to get away and my parents' house is therapy for me.

 

He said he would not accept not seeing the boys for "days on end, as they're my world and seeing their face at the end of a stressful day is what makes it all worth the effort." Then he went down the path of asking me if I thought he deserved to be separated from his boys.

 

I told him that it's not all about him, that I feel like a prisoner in this house sometimes, that his mother does my head in. I started getting really upset. He got me a tissue, put his arm around me to console me.

 

I thought he was willing to listen and understand. What he said to me was one of the most hurtful things I've ever heard come out of his mouth. He said in a very calm and assertive manner:

 

"Both you and I know that your life is the envy of most women. Take a look around you, the four walls contained within this house, the ****ing BMW you drive around in... everything. You have everything because of me and turning on the waterworks and getting hysterical will not undermine this fact."

 

I lost my **** in an uncontrolled rage. Luckily the boys were asleep up the other end of the house. I threw the keys at him, narrowly missing him and yelled "You can shove it up your arse" and went straight to the spare room. I couldn't stop crying all night.

 

My husband left for work a couple of hours ago. I'm waiting for the fallout to come. One thing is for sure - if I see that stupid bitch of a MIL she's going to cop it! I'm not in the mood for her or her bull****!

 

People with high emotional intelligence care about how their actions affect others. You are being emotionally abused by your MIL and your husband. He thinks that what he provides should be enough to make you silently tolerate his unacceptable behavior.

 

Why are you "waiting for the fallout" like a naughty child? Is there something that scares you about taking the kids to their other grandparents? You need a break and your husband certainly isn't going to give you permission to take one. Time to take matters into your own hands.

 

This isn't just about your MIL. This is also about your husband treating you like a robot whose needs are unimportant.

[BettyDraper]

One reason why I say your husband is emotionally abusing you is his gaslighting.

He's very manipulative and tries to make you seem like you're crazy every time you bring up a concern.

[Popsicle]

I don't know what to tell you. How much do you need this woman in your life? If it were me, I would straight up confront her and make it so miserable for her to be there that she doesn't want to come over. And I would call out my husband for being a limp dick for not being able to stand up to his mom too.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Here's a few more thoughts. When she comes over, take the kids and lock yourselves in your bedroom and watch Netflix. Or take the kids and leave when she comes over. If she asks where you're going tell her the doctor/appointment/kid's practice or just act like you don't hear her.

 

Leave the house a mess and when she comes over, go out and do something you enjoy or take a nap leaving her with your housework to do. Don't tell her you're leaving, just go.

 

Or better yet, sit on the couch reading a book or playing on the iPhone while she cleans up your place. Also, put the kid's in a bunch of activities that take up a lot of her time with them. That really chapped my MIL's butt when I did that. Football and baseball are good ones as they tie up 4 days a week. You will also make friends with the other mom's there.

 

Sure, she will complain to your husband and he will sheepishly ask you about it. Just say you don't know what he's talking about. Things are great! Both of them will get the hint at some point.

What makes you think my MIL will clean my place? She never lifts a finger at her own place! She has a cleaner come every three days. She does literally nothing.

[Chardonnay Renée]

People with high emotional intelligence care about how their actions affect others. You are being emotionally abused by your MIL and your husband. He thinks that what he provides should be enough to make you silently tolerate his unacceptable behavior.

 

Why are you "waiting for the fallout" like a naughty child? Is there something that scares you about taking the kids to their other grandparents? You need a break and your husband certainly isn't going to give you permission to take one. Time to take matters into your own hands.

 

This isn't just about your MIL. This is also about your husband treating you like a robot whose needs are unimportant.

 

I disagree. He has displayed high levels of emotional intelligence when he felt like it. What hurts me the most is that I know that he knows he's hurting me - he just can't be bothered. He takes my emotional needs for granted. He wasn't like he is when we first met.

 

I maintain that he's like a salesman; once you've signed the dotted lines he quickly moves on to the next person. I feel like a customer who purchased an amazing product from a caring and empathetic salesman, only to find that the after sales service experience has been nothing short of dreadful.

 

Yes he earns good money and yes I live comfortably and get pretty much what I want materialistically - but if I were a gold digger I'd have nothing to complain about. It turns out, I do, because I'm not. I just want to feel respected and valued.

 

With regards to taking the kids away to my parents place for a period of time: my husband can't just leave work for a week whenever he feels like it. If I go to my parents' place then he doesn't see his kids. I don't want to deny him seeing his kids, I just want a resolution to this problem - the problem of his mother and ipso facto him.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Coming from an extremely close family...I think you're being a bit petty. I personally think bc you're a mom & that you're taking some of your frustrations of being tired mom of twins a out on your MIL...some of things you're stating should be easy to blow off.

 

Hi Whoknew30,

 

First off, let me say that I appreciate your feedback, even though I disagree with most of it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I respect that your opinion comes from the experiences which has shaped your personality into who you are today.

 

Can I ask if you have read the whole thread through to its entirety? I beleive that a lot of context has subsequently been added, which I couldn't realistically place in the opening post. If not, that's fine.

 

I would like to pick you up on your first sentence: "Coming from an extremely close family". Here you seek to impose your own perspective as the only valid one; in this case being my MIL's viewpoint of swanning in whenever she wants.

 

Let me make it clear: I would not have nearly the same problem with her coming around as frequently as she does if she wasn't so rude and condescending. But I do have a problem with the attitude of not caring one iota about whether or not your presence is causing someone an imposition.

 

Sure, you'll say you come from a tight family so anything goes, really. In your opinion no one has the right to feel imposed upon, lest they be labeled as petty. Am I right? The problem with this attitude is that it's complete and utter privilege; that being a mentality of if it's not a problem for me then it's not a problem at all.

 

Sorry, but I don't work that way. I believe in being empathetic and caring towards others' feelings. Making the effort to be supportive around those whom I am around, as well as understanding my boundaries and when to back off. It's basic human decency.

 

She did raise the man you decided to have kids with & having a bad MIL myself, I never understood this "my H doesn't stick up for me". I personally think it's childish to put your spouse in the middle of an issue with another adult, even if it is their parent. You have a mouth right? Why are you transferring your frustration to your H bc of his mom? Since when does an adult have control over another adult's words? IMO, that's where marriage issues come from when pertaining to Inlaws...taking out on a spouse what their parents do, as adult children have control over adult parents.

 

If you don't like what his mother is saying, speak up woman to woman? Confrontation doesn't have to ever be disrespectful.

 

It's gone way past the point of simply "H won't stand up for me". My husband actively enables, and in many cased encourages, my MIL's behaviour. It's hard to stand up for myself when my husband has essentially undermined me.

 

Saying: "You have a mouth right" is a rather abrupt way of saying that you haven't rated my communication as very effective. Call me weak, but I have issuss with anxiety when confronting agressive people. My MIL knows this and she will grind me down to the point where I'll wish I hadn't ever said anything.

 

I have tried and failed when confronting MIL. She has no interest in having a respecful discussion. My MIL listens to respond, she doesn't listen to understand. Trying to have a respectful conversation with someone who is so disrespectful is nigh on impossible.

 

You have twins...one day when they marry & their spouses have an issue with you, would you want them to put your kids in the middle or speak to you as an actual adult? Your husband says something to her & they start fighting...guess who looks like a trouble maker that can't speak for herself...you do.

 

You have made so many assumptions here. As I've explained prior, I have tried to talk to her. She's very hard to reason witn and is very unapproachable. I can guarantee you that my future daughter-in-law will not find me as unapproachable as I find my MIL. But, if I do happen to be doing something to make my DIL uncomfortable, I'd like to know about, by either her or my son, so it can be resolved.

 

I've left my H out of any issue I've had with his parents (& there's been some bad ones) bc that's the mature thing to do. Speak to her yourself, respectfully & sincerely. It's a starting point & go from there. If she really doesn't listen or it gets ugly, then let her see the kids when your H is home.

 

What gets an Inlaw the most, is when they see they're not affecting you. Good luck!

 

I don't believe that it's immature to expect your husband to back you up, even if it's just in private. She doesn't listen and it has gotten ugly (at times), so that's where I'm at. "Then let her see the kids when your H is home". Really? OMG... that has been one of my biggest problems. It's easier said than done.

 

You think I shouldn't involve my hubby, yet doing exactly that would involve him, in a bad way, more than anything else. And, you can be guaranteed that doing that exact thing would really make me look like the bad guy!

Edited June 7, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[Chardonnay Renée]

I don't know what to tell you. How much do you need this woman in your life? If it were me, I would straight up confront her and make it so miserable for her to be there that she doesn't want to come over. And I would call out my husband for being a limp dick for not being able to stand up to his mom too.

 

I did LOL. Yes, sometimes I feel like being a real bitch and making it unpleasant for her.