My mother-in-law is doing my head in!

[Chardonnay Renée]

What a loving mom you have! It's a great idea to have her stay over.

I'm sure your husband wouldn't have a problem with that and I'm glad you are willing to stand up to him if he does. Your family of origin is just as important as his is.

 

It's always great to reconnect sexually because it helps to smooth over disagreements and any lingering anger. My husband and I were arguing this week and we spent hours in bed today.

 

I hope you and your husband had a great week.

 

My Mum is the most fantastic, caring, AMAZING person ever! I don't know where I'd be without her.

 

I told my husband about the idea my Mum had about staying over for periods of time and he thought it was a fantastic idea!

 

As for the emboldened: ooh la la! Hehe. We've had a much better week. I've definitely been less tense this week.

 

Matt (my hubby) has been much kinder and more understanding. My MIL only came around once this week and she didn't stay long. That helps.

 

For now, things are better. I'm aware that it's temporary feeling like we're in a honeymoon period again. We've committed to each other, kind of like renewing our vows unofficially, to invest in the happiness of one another.

 

I think we were both in a rut. Matt admitted he'd bit off more than he could chew and that he lost focus of the important things in life and the reason why he's working so hard; his family. I conceded that I'd been whiney and over-emotional.

 

I'm positive about us moving forward. I'm also open to therapy if things do deteriorate beyond a certain point. I always thought we could work things out ourselves, but now I realise that it's important to ask for help if you need it.

[Miss Clavel]

I've tried talking to my hubby and he isn't interested. He says his mother is welcome over to see her grandchildren "whenever she wants, for however long she wants". He puts it back on to me often and asks, rather sarcastically "what sort of a son would deny his mother access to his children"?

 

unless he is home to receive her, that's not true. he can't make social rules for events he does not attend nor issue invitations to gatherings he has no intention of attending.

 

as for the tray table having bread crumbs and her remarks about you being "challenged" in front of your children, well you're a better man than i am.

 

i would have firmly gripped her elbow/upper arm and steered her either outside or away from the kids and said, "listen, i've put up with alot of your ****, for the sake of piece, but if you ever put me down again in my own house in front of my kids you will need a court order to see anyone of us again".

 

"the next time i allow you to come here it will be because you called me first and i agreed, in advance. keep it up and in order to avoid you i will put your grandchildren in a germy daycare and take a full time job".

 

after that i'd arrange to leave the house for at least 4 hours on your husbands next day off. let him try it.

 

good luck

[Chardonnay Renée]

I've tried talking to my hubby and he isn't interested. He says his mother is welcome over to see her grandchildren "whenever she wants, for however long she wants". He puts it back on to me often and asks, rather sarcastically "what sort of a son would deny his mother access to his children"?

 

unless he is home to receive her, that's not true. he can't make social rules for events he does not attend nor issue invitations to gatherings he has no intention of attending.

 

as for the tray table having bread crumbs and her remarks about you being "challenged" in front of your children, well you're a better man than i am.

 

i would have firmly gripped her elbow/upper arm and steered her either outside or away from the kids and said, "listen, i've put up with alot of your ****, for the sake of piece, but if you ever put me down again in my own house in front of my kids you will need a court order to see anyone of us again".

 

"the next time i allow you to come here it will be because you called me first and i agreed, in advance. keep it up and in order to avoid you i will put your grandchildren in a germy daycare and take a full time job".

 

after that i'd arrange to leave the house for at least 4 hours on your husbands next day off. let him try it.

 

good luck

 

I did LOL. Perhaps if my personality was more aggressive I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. Something would have given by now if I stamped my feet more from the outset.

 

I'm definitely taking measures to ensure this sort of thing is under control. I guess starting this thread is symbolic of me wanting to resolve this problem, rather than dwelling on it.

 

How's this, right: My MIL came around about 2:20pm this afternoon. I had just finished making warm bruschetta for myself and the boys for lunch.

 

I asked MIL if she wanted some. She replied: "Gosh, darling... are you trying to make me fat? I've already had my lunch." I told her I had no idea whether she'd had lunch or not. How would I if she didn't tell me?

 

She looks back at me and said in a sarcastic tone: "It's 2:20pm, of course I've had my lunch. I thought it would be obvious. In fact I should be asking you why you're having lunch so late."

 

She then went on about how I am disorganised and lazy because I sleep in and I'm setting a bad example for the boys "who are going to be turning one in a week's time." Like the stupid cow thinks I don't know this. *rolleyes*

 

I snapped back at her and said that she's the one setting the bad example by undermining me in front of my kids and if she doesn't watch out she won't be here to see the boys' first birthday party.

 

Well, she went OFF! She snapped and told me that I was "playing with fire" and "the gloves are off" and all this other crap. She stormed out then and there, but not before yelling "wait until Matthew (my husband) hears about this!"

 

My husband is due home any minute now. I have no idea what he's heard (if anything), or how he's reacted. With any luck (but highly unlikely) she didn't get through to him on the phone. Hopefully he's amenable to hearing my side as well.

[SummerDreams]

Chardonnay Renée, your thread has woken some bad and sad emotions in me. Sadly you live the same story as my mother with my grandmother (her MIL) who was (and still is) controlling and manipulative. While I love her of course cause she is my grandmother, I know how much my mother suffered from her while I was growing up. She wanted to control everything in the house, the furniture my parents would buy, what we'd eat, where we'd go for vacation, what we would need, everything. She could just call anytime and say "hey I'm visiting in 30 minutes". The thing with my dad (contrary to your husband) is that he was always too lazy to have a responsible job so his mother had to support us almost completely. My dad was also an alcoholic so much money was going to drinking. The result was that my mother just could not leave this sick situation so she had to endure everything until I was 18 years old and we kicked dad out the house. Since then 18 more years have passed and my mother has had the opportunity to live the life she deserved without the alcoholic violent husband and the controlling b$%^ MIL. She still gets almost sick every time she remembers those times and hates that she had to waste all those years with them living a miserable life.

 

I see you have issues with your H as well but I think the issues with your H and with your MIL are connected. One would not exist if the other didn't. I think you should find some support system and either discuss the situation seriously with your H expecting some solution or make your way out. I know that nobody is perfect and nobody lives the perfect life. I'm sure the stability, wealth, security your H offers you and your kids are invaluable but your emotional stability is in danger. I'm afraid you have to choose between your kids having a wealthy life or an emotionally healthy mother. You have to address the issue seriously and expect a practical solution. You have to put boundaries to your MIL. Her son is married and now the one in control is his wife, you. And I will tell you the one thing I tell my bf because, like you, he hates confrontation and situations that require to have a possible fight with someone; you can't spend your whole life expecting never to have confrontations or else just become a nun and spend your life in a monastery. In society things happen where you need to put your foot down and claim what you deserve.

 

Don't stay in this situation forever. Really. I would prefer that my parents had divorced and have a happy mother rather being in an unhappy marriage just for the kid.

[Popsicle]

*offers you a glass of chardonnay*

[LurkerXX]

Good for you.

 

Caving for the sake of peace is something you do for occasional family gatherings or unusual circumstances, not for someone you see so often, and whose going to take every inch you give and throw it in your face.

 

This is the start of addressing the issue, especially the eventual discussion with your husband.

 

I am glad you had a wonderful weekend, and that your mom is going to be visiting more often.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Chardonnay Renée, your thread has woken some bad and sad emotions in me. Sadly you live the same story as my mother with my grandmother (her MIL) who was (and still is) controlling and manipulative. While I love her of course cause she is my grandmother, I know how much my mother suffered from her while I was growing up. She wanted to control everything in the house, the furniture my parents would buy, what we'd eat, where we'd go for vacation, what we would need, everything. She could just call anytime and say "hey I'm visiting in 30 minutes". The thing with my dad (contrary to your husband) is that he was always too lazy to have a responsible job so his mother had to support us almost completely. My dad was also an alcoholic so much money was going to drinking. The result was that my mother just could not leave this sick situation so she had to endure everything until I was 18 years old and we kicked dad out the house. Since then 18 more years have passed and my mother has had the opportunity to live the life she deserved without the alcoholic violent husband and the controlling b$%^ MIL. She still gets almost sick every time she remembers those times and hates that she had to waste all those years with them living a miserable life.

 

I see you have issues with your H as well but I think the issues with your H and with your MIL are connected. One would not exist if the other didn't. I think you should find some support system and either discuss the situation seriously with your H expecting some solution or make your way out. I know that nobody is perfect and nobody lives the perfect life. I'm sure the stability, wealth, security your H offers you and your kids are invaluable but your emotional stability is in danger. I'm afraid you have to choose between your kids having a wealthy life or an emotionally healthy mother. You have to address the issue seriously and expect a practical solution. You have to put boundaries to your MIL. Her son is married and now the one in control is his wife, you. And I will tell you the one thing I tell my bf because, like you, he hates confrontation and situations that require to have a possible fight with someone; you can't spend your whole life expecting never to have confrontations or else just become a nun and spend your life in a monastery. In society things happen where you need to put your foot down and claim what you deserve.

 

Don't stay in this situation forever. Really. I would prefer that my parents had divorced and have a happy mother rather being in an unhappy marriage just for the kid.

 

Wow. There's a lot to absorb here. It seems there are some crazy MILs out there! I agree with everything you've said. I'm well aware of things needing to change. I know that in order for things to change, I need to drive the change.

 

I'm certainly not prepared to live like this forever. It's miserable at times, and I don't want my boys seeing me miserable. They're obviously still too young to know what's going on, but I'd hate for them to see it and feel torn between a whole bunch of people they love making each other sad.

 

I will NOT let my boys live in a toxic environment. I'm not sure if you've read the whole thread, but I have made plans with my Mum to have her stay for a bit every so often. This will help a lot. I just hope my MIL isn't mean to her! My Mum can take care of herself pretty well, though.

 

It's funny - among many of the issues you cited where your grandmother interfere, one was vacations. When we first started dating, within ten months we went overseas on a vacation, or holiday as we call it here, to Hawaii.

 

The Parents-in-law came along, although they stayed at a different hotel. We'd catch up for dinner, go do sight-seeing togethet etc. It was all new to me at the time and I was happy to go along with whatever, really.

 

There was definitely this feeling of how my MIL was calling all the shots. Nothing has changed in that regard. While we don't go on holidays with them regularly, she's always sticky-beaking with everything. She always making "suggestions" on how to improve our plans, which just turns into a convoluted mess.

 

Anyway, the trip to Hawaii was a disaster. I couldn't wait to get home. My MIL was awful, especially to her husband who she pretty much treats like a doormat. She would get stuck in to him at dinner - it was really awkward and uncomfortable.

 

Perhaps the worst thing that happened, though, was when we visited Pearl Harbor. There were some Japanese tourists near us, and my MIL says in a very loud voice: "That lot have some nerve showing up here." She was glaring at them and huffing and puffing.

 

I was completely mortified! I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die, I was that embarrassed. My husband later explained that his Mum's Dad was a gunner in WWII and fought the Japanese and that she was surrounded by people who hated Japs growing up.

 

This is just one of the many examples of how my hubby makes excuses for my MIL. If she's racist it's because of this or that reason, if she's a bigot it's because someone did something to her in the past, etc. I think it's pathetic!

[CC12]

I have made plans with my Mum to have her stay for a bit every so often. This will help a lot. I just hope my MIL isn't mean to her! My Mum can take care of herself pretty well, though.

 

That should be interesting. Your mother has very little to lose in calling your MIL out for her behavior towards you. Not saying that she will, or that she should, but I have a suspicion that your MIL will be a lot better behaved if your own mother is around. Your mother might not even have to run any interference between you and MIL, and I still bet MIL would be nicer to you in the presence of your mother.

 

This could be a good way to get through to MIL, maybe? Like, "MIL, you've been so nice to me when my mother has been around. You've been really lovely and I really liked and prefer that side of you. I would love it if every time you came over, you could be just like that."

 

I don't know. It could be a way to bring it up with her in a totally non-confrontational, positive, complimentary (almost) way, since you can't just be honest and direct with her.

[Chardonnay Renée]

That should be interesting. Your mother has very little to lose in calling your MIL out for her behavior towards you. Not saying that she will, or that she should, but I have a suspicion that your MIL will be a lot better behaved if your own mother is around. Your mother might not even have to run any interference between you and MIL, and I still bet MIL would be nicer to you in the presence of your mother.

 

This could be a good way to get through to MIL, maybe? Like, "MIL, you've been so nice to me when my mother has been around. You've been really lovely and I really liked and prefer that side of you. I would love it if every time you came over, you could be just like that."

 

I don't know. It could be a way to bring it up with her in a totally non-confrontational, positive, complimentary (almost) way, since you can't just be honest and direct with her.

 

My Mum will be staying with us for a week, starting from next weekend. We're having a big 1st birthday party for our (twin) boys at our place, so Mum will stay and Dad will drive back to the farm.

 

My hubby is stoked that my Mum is staying. He said he'll take an afternoon off work so he can make his favourite dish - shrimp scampe linguine. I'm just happy that I get a night off cooking!

 

My MIL will still be a PITA even with my Mum there. She has no filter regardless of who is around. My Mum won't bite back unless Evelyn says something really bad, but I doubt that will happen.

 

It will just be nice to have another adult around other than an unpleasant one. As far as people go, my Mum and MIL are polar opposites. My Mum wants to go out and do a whole bunch of things.

 

With any luck my MIL will rock up every time we're out. Hopefully she doesn't get wind of where we're going before we go. I know I won't tell her and neither will Mum, but MIL stalks me on Facebook so she'll see that we are out and about if I post or get tagged in anything.

 

I think my Mum plans to be a little patronising in a similar way to your last paragraph. My Mum thinks that Evelyn is a bit of a joke - a nasty joke who needs the correct handling or she'll react with the volatility of a chlorine and brake fluid mixture.

Edited June 23, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[SummerDreams]

While your mum will surely help the situation for a while, I still think this is only a treatment of the symptom and not the illness. What will happen after all this is over and your mum is gone? The situation will go back to normal and both your MIL and your H will go back to their old selves. I suggest you enjoy this short period but use it to also think deeply what will happen next. You need to have a serious conversation with your H and not end it until he understand your issue and find a solution about it. Boundaries should be made because if now your mind is 60% occupied with the kids, in a couple of years their need will be miltiplied and you won't have the courage and the time for such serious decisions. Don't let this situation go on forever. This woman is toxic and your H does not understand your needs. Face this and solve it asap. Enjoy your kids' birthday!

[Chardonnay Renée]

While your mum will surely help the situation for a while, I still think this is only a treatment of the symptom and not the illness. What will happen after all this is over and your mum is gone? The situation will go back to normal and both your MIL and your H will go back to their old selves. I suggest you enjoy this short period but use it to also think deeply what will happen next. You need to have a serious conversation with your H and not end it until he understand your issue and find a solution about it. Boundaries should be made because if now your mind is 60% occupied with the kids, in a couple of years their need will be miltiplied and you won't have the courage and the time for such serious decisions. Don't let this situation go on forever. This woman is toxic and your H does not understand your needs. Face this and solve it asap. Enjoy your kids' birthday!

 

Hi SummerDreams,

 

You make many valids points. I think it's about balance more than anything. It's not an easy situation and one which I need to consider strategically in order to arrive at the best outcome.

 

With my Mum staying over, I'll have a break from constant presence of MIL. I'll be better equipped to deal with her if, in my mind, I feel refreshed.

 

I certainly won't let the situation go on forever. My hubby came home the other night and asked me: "What's this about you threatening my Mum with being banned from attending the boys' birthday party?"

 

I told him that she was lucky that's all I said. He told me I shouldn't be making "empty threats" which will just upset and antagonise her. I told him that if she's going to take everything literally then maybe I'll just follow through with what I've told her.

 

He still thinks that I just need to accept that she's "harmless." I also think he's starting to slowly come around to my way of thinking. I don't throw tantrums often, but when I do he doesn't like them!

 

Anyway, we'll see what happens this weekend. I've got so much to organise... OMG! I've already told hubby that I don't want his Mum "helping" me organise this party. I'm sure she'll have her opinions about how badly I've organised it on the day, but I can live with that if she backs off this week.

[BettyDraper]

Hi SummerDreams,

 

You make many valids points. I think it's about balance more than anything. It's not an easy situation and one which I need to consider strategically in order to arrive at the best outcome.

 

With my Mum staying over, I'll have a break from constant presence of MIL. I'll be better equipped to deal with her if, in my mind, I feel refreshed.

 

I certainly won't let the situation go on forever. My hubby came home the other night and asked me: "What's this about you threatening my Mum with being banned from attending the boys' birthday party?"

 

I told him that she was lucky that's all I said. He told me I shouldn't be making "empty threats" which will just upset and antagonise her. I told him that if she's going to take everything literally then maybe I'll just follow through with what I've told her.

 

He still thinks that I just need to accept that she's "harmless." I also think he's starting to slowly come around to my way of thinking. I don't throw tantrums often, but when I do he doesn't like them!

 

Anyway, we'll see what happens this weekend. I've got so much to organise... OMG! I've already told hubby that I don't want his Mum "helping" me organise this party. I'm sure she'll have her opinions about how badly I've organised it on the day, but I can live with that if she backs off this week.

 

I feel that if your MIL was actually banned from the party, then maybe that might help her realize that she can't insult you without consequences. However, I know that is a huge step to make and it's unlikely that your husband will be on board with that.

 

Let us know how the party goes.

[CC12]

My hubby came home the other night and asked me: "What's this about you threatening my Mum with being banned from attending the boys' birthday party?"

 

I told him that she was lucky that's all I said. He told me I shouldn't be making "empty threats" which will just upset and antagonise her. I told him that if she's going to take everything literally then maybe I'll just follow through with what I've told her.

 

Hm. I hate to say it, but I kind of agree with your husband here. Threatening to un-invite her to the kids' birthday party accomplishes nothing. It was kind of an empty threat, wasn't it? There's no way she would actually not be invited. Your husband wouldn't go along with that. It was a bit much since it's basically the first time you're trying to "train" her to behave better. You don't train her with threats, you train her by reacting to the immediate behavior, if that makes sense. Like, you don't train a dog to not poop on the floor by threatening to send it to obedience school in the future, you push its nose in the poop and then send it outside (which is improper dog training, but I'm just trying to illustrate a point here.)

 

I do think it's great that you stood up to her when she was being an *******. But maybe try to keep it on topic in the future. Like, I think saying "that she's the one setting the bad example by undermining me in front of my kids" was great, but I think you should have followed that by asking her to leave and not come back until she can learn how to not make digs at you. Keep repeating, "I'm not going to have you in my home when you make offensive comments." Or, "You've insulted me and I don't want you in my house right now. Please go." Do it every time she's being a dick.

 

Now that you've made a stand, you might as well run with it. Just direct your energies down the appropriate avenue.

[Miss Clavel]

Hi SummerDreams,

 

 

 

With my Mum staying over, I'll have a break from constant presence of MIL. I'll be better equipped to deal with her if, in my mind, I feel refreshed.

 

My hubby came home the other night and asked me: "What's this about you threatening my Mum with being banned from attending the boys' birthday party?"

 

He told me I shouldn't be making "empty threats" which will just upset and antagonise her. I told him that if she's going to take everything literally then maybe I'll just follow through with what I've told her.

 

He still thinks that I just need to accept that she's "harmless." I also think he's starting to slowly come around to my way of thinking. I don't throw tantrums often, but when I do he doesn't like them!

 

Anyway, we'll see what happens this weekend. I've got so much to organise... OMG! I've already told hubby that I don't want his Mum "helping" me organise this party. I'm sure she'll have her opinions about how badly I've organised it on the day, but I can live with that if she backs off this week.

 

first of all when ever you have convos with a man your sleeping with, and you want to get your way, conduct them in your underwear, extra points if you "happen" to be wearing high heels, red works best. lol,

 

remind him what they said at the wedding, he married you, he symbolically and physically left mommy and joined you, so he can get with the program or you can show him the wedding video, while wearing your best lingerie.

 

next, it's your child's big day. she's the granny, so...i'd put her in charge of something. let her make something or bring something and when she does..make a big fuss over it. there is no harm in letting her help with things that you are not so good at or that she is better at. let her organize something, like making sure the bedrooms are tidy and you have enough supplies in the loo. maybe she just has too much time on her hands?

 

and, i have to say that having lunch at 230 is pretty late for a one year old. don't they get up around 6 am? that's a long time between feeds. now, if you tell me that you guys got up late and he had a snack around ll am, i wouldn't turn a hair, if you tell her that, in other words give excuses, she will just turn it back on you by saying you sleep to much and babies need a schedule. and she'd be right.

 

everything aside, he's your husband, he promised you, he sleeps with you, his first loyalty is to you, or else. i have to say, when i went thru this with my MIL it was the pits. she would run her hand over my shelves and television and rub her fingers together while rolling her eyes. if i wasn't ready with a big holiday meal i was disorganized, if i was ready and everything was beautiful and lavish due to my planning and shopping sales months in advance i was wasting her son's money and causing him to work way more then was healthy. in other words, no win.

 

when our first was born, we were out of the country, just the two of us, a long way from civilization. i decided to breast feed and somehow she found out(her son told her). she told him that i was starving my infant and everyone knows formula was better for children. i was hysterical, could i really be starving my infant? i wasn't that sure of how much the baby was taking and we had a rocky start to the whole business, again, alone, far from town.

 

i heard my husband on the phone tell hims mom, " i love you mommy, your my mom, but, Clavel is THE mom now. that same day i got a call from her and she said, "research shows that breast milk is very healthy and best for newborns".

 

she came to visit us a week after the birth of our first child. she decided to take a place far from our home, in town. we had to pack everything including the baby and go "visit" her and her husband miles and miles away.

 

we went to dinner with her the first night, out in the open sea air just off the port where all the boats and cruise ships were docked. she informed me, a women with 100 stitches and a nursing new born that "you need alone time with my son so i've purchased two tickets for a three day cruise for the two of you, my treat and i will baby sit for you, go pack".

 

WTF!!

my mom came to visit, she stayed in our spare room, she did the washing, she cooked the meals, she planned her visit around the goal of getting me organized and making sure i got to sleep as much as possible. with the added bonus that she got gobs of uninterrupted alone time with her beautiful new grand baby.

 

a son is a son till he takes a wife....

[Chardonnay Renée]

Hm. I hate to say it, but I kind of agree with your husband here. Threatening to un-invite her to the kids' birthday party accomplishes nothing. It was kind of an empty threat, wasn't it? There's no way she would actually not be invited. Your husband wouldn't go along with that. It was a bit much since it's basically the first time you're trying to "train" her to behave better. You don't train her with threats, you train her by reacting to the immediate behavior, if that makes sense. Like, you don't train a dog to not poop on the floor by threatening to send it to obedience school in the future, you push its nose in the poop and then send it outside (which is improper dog training, but I'm just trying to illustrate a point here.)

 

I do think it's great that you stood up to her when she was being an *******. But maybe try to keep it on topic in the future. Like, I think saying "that she's the one setting the bad example by undermining me in front of my kids" was great, but I think you should have followed that by asking her to leave and not come back until she can learn how to not make digs at you. Keep repeating, "I'm not going to have you in my home when you make offensive comments." Or, "You've insulted me and I don't want you in my house right now. Please go." Do it every time she's being a dick.

 

Now that you've made a stand, you might as well run with it. Just direct your energies down the appropriate avenue.

 

Of course it was a hollow threat, but it was said out of frustration! My husband didn't ask for a context, he just straight out asked me why I said it. He didn't seem to care about the events that lead to me saying it!

 

I understand that you're coming from a place of good intentions, but FMD - we're talking about a 68-year-old woman here! I have enough on my plate without having the burden of trying to rewire some crazy person in order for them to display a modicum of etiquette.

 

Anyway, I've told my husband that I don't want her coming over this week, PERIOD! He said I was being harsh and that he would talk to her and make sure she's "over it" and that if he gives me an assurance that she's moved on then I have no reason to impose any such restrictions.

 

I told him that if she's going to come around then she should call me first so I can be prepared. I told him I'm sick of being caught out and then having to accommodate her needs while being put down in my own house. He said I'm being " a little bit precious" and "slightly dramatic".

 

So, anyway... let's see what happens. My hubby is due home in about half an hour from making this post. If he's spoken to his Mother, I'll no doubt be informed that she's "all good" and will be around again some time this week. With any luck, she'll still be seething and won't want to be any where near me!

Edited June 26, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[SummerDreams]

I'm sure I am a bad person but I am soooo happy reading these stories that I've kept my FIL away from our lives...

[BettyDraper]

I'm sure I am a bad person but I am soooo happy reading these stories that I've kept my FIL away from our lives...

 

What makes you say that you're a bad person?

Sometimes firm boundaries need to be set with family members. It's unfortunate but it's life.

[BettyDraper]

Of course it was a hollow threat, but it was said out of frustration! My husband didn't ask for a context, he just straight out asked me why I said it. He didn't seem to care about the events that lead to me saying it!

 

I understand that you're coming from a place of good intentions, but FMD - we're talking about a 68-year-old woman here! I have enough on my plate without having the burden of trying to rewire some crazy person in order for them to display a modicum of etiquette.

 

Anyway, I've told my husband that I don't want her coming over this week, PERIOD! He said I was being harsh and that he would talk to her and make sure she's "over it" and that if he gives me an assurance that she's moved on then I have no reason to impose any such restrictions.

 

I told him that if she's going to come around then she should call me first so I can be prepared. I told him I'm sick of being caught out and then having to accommodate her needs while being put down in my own house. He said I'm being " a little bit precious" and "slightly dramatic".

 

So, anyway... let's see what happens. My hubby is due home in about half an hour from making this post. If he's spoken to his Mother, I'll no doubt be informed that she's "all good" and will be around again some time this week. With any luck, she'll still be seething and won't want to be any where near me!

 

I agree that you shouldn't have to teach an elderly person how to behave.

It appears that your husband has gone back to dismissing your feelings and the boundaries you are setting around his mother.

[anna121]

Agree with Betty Draper - your H's attitude is appalling.

 

I think you need to be firm that you will not be inviting her into your house on an "on-call" basis, that [set number] of visits per week/month is PLENTY; and that while you are alone in the house you will run it as you see fit. Which includes who gets access.

 

I wouldn't respond to his little digs like calling you dramatic. Just keep sticking to your position: she doesn't get to come over whenever she feels like it anymore. Period.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I agree that you shouldn't have to teach an elderly person how to behave.

It appears that your husband has gone back to dismissing your feelings and the boundaries you are setting around his mother.

 

My husband came home Monday night after having spoken to his Mum. Apparently she told him that "Renée has some kind of mouth on her" and that he "needs to get me under control." My first instinct was to hit the roof; instead, I waited for him to tell me what his response to that was.

 

He said that he told his Mum that while he respects her freedom of speech, she also has to realise that if what she says rubs people up the wrong way, then it's only natural for people to respond. She apparently told him he needs to pull his head from out of his arse and reinsert his backbone.

 

My husband said: If that is how you speak to Renée all the time, no wonder she has had a gut full of you. His Mother told him that she's "extremely disappointed to realise that she raised a 36-year-old jellyfish."

 

He said: "Whatever, Mum. If Dad wants to put up with your **** and has continued to do so for nearly forty years... that's his prerogative. Not everyone is prepared to do that." She snapped back viciously, saying: "How dare you speak about your Father like that!" Hubby told his Mum that he finds it ironic that she calls him out for having no backbone when she seems to have no problem with her own husband having no backbone.

 

My MIL lost control and was screaming at hubby over the phone. She said: "I hope you have your affairs in order as that perfidious little wench has corrupted your mind." She hung up the phone and immediately sent him a text saying that there were less callous ways for him to convey that he didn't want her coming to the party.

 

So, anyway, my FIL comes around last night. He'd only just flown back that afternoon. He was a bit frazzled, and wanted to know what was going on. He said as he walked in: "Your Mother has just given me an ear bashing all afternoon, including saying that both of us won't be coming for the boys' birthday party.

 

We explained the situation. I got a bit teary as my emotions spilled over regarding the pressure I feel under with her constant presence and her put downs. My FIL said he learned to tune out "years ago" and that "working on an oil rig six months of the year helped." I told him it doesn't help me and I'm absolutely over it.

 

FIL said he'd speak to MIL today, so I guess I'll find out more. The sad thing is, if Evelyn puts her foot down and says that they both aren't going, then Phil (my FIL) will just meekly accept this. That's quite sad, really. What's also sad is that while hubby backed me up, it took him to be on th end of her abuse before he stood up to her. I'll take it as a positive, though.

[CC12]

Glad to hear your husband stood up for you. I hope he keeps it up. And I hope that everyone calms down in time for your sons' birthday party. It would be a shame if they couldn't make it.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Glad to hear your husband stood up for you. I hope he keeps it up. And I hope that everyone calms down in time for your sons' birthday party. It would be a shame if they couldn't make it.

 

I know my MIL is bluffing. I asked hubby today when I spoke to him on the phone whether he actually thought she wouldn't come. He didn't think she'd follow through.

 

I asked him if he'd had a go at her for making hollow threats! LOL! He told me I was being a smart arse. I was, of course, but I think I had a point (and made it)!

 

I think things will calm down. It's only Wednesday! And if i know my MIL as well as I do, her natural curiosity and propensity to snoop will never allow her to sit on the periphery for long.

[SummerDreams]

Ι'm sorry to say but this kind of people aren't intimidated by fights like normal people. In the contrary they are fed by them and while someone else may be exhausted by it, she will feel even stronger and with more amunition to move to her next step. You may have won the fight but not the war and your opponent is very strong given that she treats her H and son like that. Do not think she won't come back for more and she won't take revenge for this incident she thinks you are the reason of. Get ready for your once and for all solution of the problem before it's too late. I don't want to scare you but you need to prepare a plan. This woman will never compromise wuth less so the only solution is to totally kick her out of your life. I don't want to sound like that but I think you underestimate her power to destroy your moral, your marriage and/or your relationship with your kids.

[BettyDraper]

I'm very glad that your husband finally stood up to his mother. SummerDreams could be right. Narcissists love drama because they use it to make themselves look better. That's why your MIL is playing the victim.

 

If your in laws ultimately do not attend your sons' party, the positive side of that situation is you won't have to deal with your MIL at a happy event and she'll probably stay away for a while.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Ι'm sorry to say but this kind of people aren't intimidated by fights like normal people. In the contrary they are fed by them and while someone else may be exhausted by it, she will feel even stronger and with more amunition to move to her next step. You may have won the fight but not the war and your opponent is very strong given that she treats her H and son like that. Do not think she won't come back for more and she won't take revenge for this incident she thinks you are the reason of. Get ready for your once and for all solution of the problem before it's too late. I don't want to scare you but you need to prepare a plan. This woman will never compromise wuth less so the only solution is to totally kick her out of your life. I don't want to sound like that but I think you underestimate her power to destroy your moral, your marriage and/or your relationship with your kids.

 

Yes, I'm very aware of that. What I've wanted for a while in for my hubby to back me up and show some empathy. He's a fantastic man in most ways, but when it comes to dealing with his own Mother, he seems disinterested.

 

This woman clearly has issues. I don't know whether she gets off on pissing people off, feels empowered by watching people get upset by her put downs or is just generally ignorant of just how poor her behaviour is, but it's very draining either way.

 

I know that my hubby sticking up for me would have made her furious. She would still be seething right now. She will absolutely come to the party, though. Not because she would massively care about missing thr party, but because not being amongst the happenings of the family just isn't who she is.

 

She needs to involve herself in everything. It's why she hangs around my place all the time. Not because she absolutely adores the kids. She loves them to some degree, obviously, and she doesn't even dislike me (I don't believe) - it's just that she feels the need to constantly make her presence known and felt.

 

I'm very concerned that now my hubby has backed me up, she will get very dirty with her tactics. The gloves will be off, in her words, with how she will go about things from here. She will absolutely try to drive a wedge between hubby and I. We're about to get tested, and hubby's resolve is going to get a big workout.