Oliviasmith24 Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 So I have been dating this guy on and off for two years and this past weekend at my birthday party we got into a drunken fight and I made him leave (I do not remember this part of the night). He was extremely hurt by this and the next day told me that he needs his space to think about it. I've apologized so many times but he will not just forgive me and move on. It's difficult for me to feel bad about this situation when I was just trying to have a fun birthday party with friends and got a little too drunk. We have barely talked the past 5 days but I can't stop myself from pushing the subject and texting him. I've even asked him if he wants to just break up, but he does not. How can I speed up this process of him forgiving me so we can just move on and see each other again? Link to post Share on other sites
clee630 Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 I think you should give him some space to think and accept what happened, you're just pushing him into a corner and it might turn him off. It's good that he still wants to be with you but try not to push it too much Would you like to give me your opinion of my post about my breakup? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Maybe you both need to cut back on drinking if this is where it leads. Maybe that would give him a reason to return. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 You can't speed up the process of him forgiving you. All you can do is wait. He's evaluating a lot of things: his drinking, your drinking, your behavior while drunk, the cause of the fight is he remembers, your blackouts, how you two interact while sober & drunk, the sincerity of your apology, the likelihood this will happen again, and your inability to give him what he asked for: space. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) [Moderator's Note: Text of first post deleted. Post left in sequence to maintain continuity for further responses. ~JC] Edited May 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator See above. ~JC Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Although the title is different, this is the same Q you already asked. The answer is the same: You can't. You have to wait. As an impatient person, this is your time to learn patience. You breathe in & out. You distract yourself. You meditate &/or pray. But you leave him alone. Assume things are over unless he comes back. Then you learn that drunken actions have consequences & you decide how you want to live your life in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 It's difficult for me to feel bad about this situation when I was just trying to have a fun birthday party with friends and got a little too drunk. That is the same as saying it's not your fault. This statement tells a lot about your inability to feel empathy and remorse. In life all of your actions and all of your words will have an impact whether you act sober or drunk. The first thing you need to do is to own what you did and take 100% responsibility for your mistake and stop saying you just wanted to have fun. The second thing is to examine is the impact of alcohol in your life. And finally leave the poor man alone. Have some respect for him. He asked you for time and space so RESPECT his wish. Act like an adult and grant him what he wants. Calling him every 5 minutes is easy. Giving him what he needs is hard but if you have a shred of respect for him you will grant him his wish. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) So I have been dating this guy on and off for two years and this past weekend at my birthday party we got into a drunken fight and I made him leave (I do not remember this part of the night). He was extremely hurt by this and the next day told me that he needs his space to think about it. I've apologized so many times but he will not just forgive me and move on. It's difficult for me to feel bad about this situation when I was just trying to have a fun birthday party with friends and got a little too drunk. We have barely talked the past 5 days but I can't stop myself from pushing the subject and texting him. I've even asked him if he wants to just break up, but he does not. How can I speed up this process of him forgiving me so we can just move on and see each other again? You can't. This isn't your process to speed up. He will get to resolution to it on his own timetable, not yours. He already knows you're sorry, so quit apologizing. To keep apologizing is to discount his feelings, as if you're saying "get over it, I've said I'm sorry. Go back to how you were", as if only your feelings matter and that's not right. If he's asked for space, then give him space. Sit with the unpleasantness of what you did and learn from it; and take this time to craft a new policy on not drinking, since you tend to say things you later end up regretting. If you're getting drunk to the point where you black out, then you've got a problem brewing that needs addressing for your own good, let alone the esteem of your relationship. As far as your difficulty for feeling badly and using the excuse that you were trying to have fun, what kind of fun was this, exactly? I agree with Gaeta that this is you deflecting your responsibility in all of this and it's not a good look. You have no remorse for what you did if you're trying to deflect responsibility. Edited May 31, 2017 by kendahke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 Totally understand. I have just been feeling as though if he would just let me back in then I could make things right between us. He knows how much I care about him and when we have fought in the past, he has never needed space like this. So I just feel rejected over something that I unfortunately don't remember because of one night of heavy drinking on my birthday. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 2 years of off and on...if you two haven't got it together by now, this will never work. It's off and on for a reason...maybe it's time to reflect as to why this keep happening, not deflecting responsibility. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Totally understand. I have just been feeling as though if he would just let me back in then I could make things right between us. You can't unring a bell. What exactly what this "fun" that caused this whole debacle to unfold? He knows how much I care about him and when we have fought in the past, he has never needed space like this. There comes a point where things go too far to be recovered--just ask Kathy Griffin. So I just feel rejected over something that I unfortunately don't remember because of one night of heavy drinking on my birthday. All actions have consequences and no one is immune from that. You are still responsible for your actions, whether or not you can remember them. A drunk person is still responsible for the accident they caused even when they black out and don't remember it. I would say that a visit to AA would be in order if you cannot handle your liquor to the point where you damage relationships you say you don't want to lose. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 It's difficult for me to feel bad about this situation when I was just trying to have a fun birthday party with friends and got a little too drunk.My guess is he is beginning to see this as a part of your character that conflicts with who he thought you really were. That's why he needs the space, to come to grips with the new image of you in his head, and to see if he can live with it. Every time you contact him, you make his impression stronger and you remove whatever doubt he's feeling, 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 There is no surefire way to get someone to forgive you. You can try to facilitate the process by giving him space and not pushing it. He knows how you feel. He's trying to sort out how he feels now. What was the argument that led to you kicking him out of your party? And why have you two been on and off, rather than consistently "on"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 I have been dealing with anxiety my whole life and sometimes I'll lash out at him over petty things that I have been overthinking in my head all day. I know being with me can be hard for him and maybe he just deserves better but I really do love him and we are great most of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 When people tell me they have an "on and off" type of relationship, then someone needs to have the balls to finally make it off permanently...Sure, disagreements happen, but I don't really know anyone that does the "on/off" for a long period of time... Perhaps its just time to move on.. TFY 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 I have been dealing with anxiety my whole life and sometimes I'll lash out at him over petty things that I have been overthinking in my head all day. I know being with me can be hard for him and maybe he just deserves better but I really do love him and we are great most of the time. So, what specifically did you lash out about at your birthday? I'm afraid that if this is pattern, he might just have reached his limit and is deciding whether or not this is worth continuing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Totally understand. I have just been feeling as though if he would just let me back in then I could make things right between us. He knows how much I care about him and when we have fought in the past, he has never needed space like this. So I just feel rejected over something that I unfortunately don't remember because of one night of heavy drinking on my birthday. It's a cumulative thing. If stuff like this has happened in the past (the fights) he knows this is a recurring pattern. Coming back to you means a lifetime of this. Your latest fight may have been the final straw for him. Ask others who were there what happened. You need somebody to fill in the blanks for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 I am going to do my own thing for awhile and leave him alone 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 If your anxiety starts taking over and puts your relationship into turmoil, then you have a mental health crisis that should be taken care of by a professional. sometimes you just need someone to point that out. It will keep happening unless you take accountability for your behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 If you lash out at him because of anxiety, then you know the underlying problem. Him aside, what are you doing about it (to help yourself)? Your anxiety shouldn't make him feel bad or unloved. Can you do more work on yourself or speak to a professional to get it any further under control? Agreed with all the posters that you need to give him space. He's probably doing all the things the others have mentioned, but in addition he may just feel disrespected. Which means the only way to respect him right now is to listen to him and what he needs. Give him space and wait until he's ready to talk. In the meantime, instead of focusing on him during this time, focus on your issues and take steps to start addressing the ones YOU want to fix. Added bonus: then when he is ready to talk, he may be impressed that you took initiative to seriously make some positive changes. Good luck, and don't push him away if he's still in it with you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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