My 12 year old is breaking down.

[ZageJ86]

I have a 12 year old daughter who I cannot get to school. This all started when she started getting bullied months ago. She has tried to hang in there for months but these past few months it has been very difficult getting her to school. It has not gotten to the point where I can’t get her to go. She hasn’t been to school at all this week and last week she was there for two days.

 

It is not just school that I can’t get her to. I tried to treat her to dinner at a restaurant, ice cream, the movies and I just can’t get her out. She wants to stay home and be left alone. I also told her that we were going to visit her aunt and cousins in the city and she doesn’t want to do that either. She loves doing this but she says that she doesn’t like anyone and wants to be alone.

 

She hasn’t bathed in a week and doesn’t change her clothes unless I take them off for her and provide her new ones. She sleeps until the afternoon, wakes up to eat and watch videos on her phone and she draws (a new hobby of hers). She stays in the same spot for pretty much the whole day . Because she sleeps in she is up at night when she should be sleeping. In some instances she is up when I need to leave for work. Her whole schedule is thrown off.

 

She has a negative view of herself and is on edge when she is around me. She overreacts to every little things so I try to keep my distance while making myself still available. I give her pep talks but I don’t know if she’s listening. If I irritate her she raises her voice for me to leave her alone.

 

She is in therapy now. We have met with the school and they have done everything that can do. Our life at the moment consists of me working, coming home and making dinner, while she is at home all day sleeping or sitting in the same spot watching videos or eating. I have some summer plans for her that I think will be good they consist of professional help and confidence lifting fun.

 

My girl has never ever ever been like this before. She was always bubbly (she is still happy), outgoing, and loved school and being around other kids. She is so different now. I am trying to take her out of school (less than a month left) and see if I can get her together. We have to go to truancy court as well. I only hope it goes well.

 

Any advice?

[William]

Moderator bump due to extended auto-moderation of post

[Grumpybutfun]

I can't imagine what you are going through. Bullying seems to be an epidemic these days. It seems you are doing everything you can do for her. There are a couple of things to consider when going forward. (I have raised the rebel daughter from hell and even though our situations aren't exact, I have a few thoughts.)

1. Regardless of how internally angry she is, she has to respect her parents, her elders in general. These are boundaries placed for her benefit because she needs structure at home. She needs to know that being angry, in pain and depressed about the bullying is ok but lashing out at family and friends who love her is not.

 

2. She needs a support group of her peers. Are there groups in your area of children who have been bullied? Sometimes what adults don't understand is the need for social interactions, a feeling of belonging with kids, especially preteen and teen.

 

3. Angst at being rejected is understandable. Everything we do in life is to be accepted. No matter what problems people have, it always goes back to a fear of being rejected. That is what she is feeling. Make sure in her everyday life, she feels accepted and valued even at her worst.

 

My daughter is adopted. Her bio mother who is my wife's sister is a drug addict with severe emotional issues. I had to be the bad guy and revoke visiting priveledges even when my wife and everyone around me was hesitant. Each and every time her bio mother would visit, she would say and do things to make her feel rejected. It was as if the abandonment was happening to her all over again. When she was angry with me and scream crying at me, I just let her go on and on telling her calmly that it is because I love her that I won't allow toxicity in her life. This went on for almost two months until one day she just fell into my hug and agreed that her mother was making her feel abandoned every time they met. Sometime we have to be the heavy to get them where they need to go. Continue making the best choices for her. In the end, she needs to be able to trust that you won't reject or abandon her. I hope this helps.

Best,

G