Why is she pushing me away?

[Ray22]

Maybe you can help me with this girl.

 

I like her a lot, and i know she likes me but she just pushed me away.

Now she won`t talk to me. well she needs time i guess but i`m not sure.

 

Everything was going pretty good i thought. I met her a few months ago and at first we didn`t talk much, only when i saw her at work or around. Then one day she comes up to me and we talk for almost an hour. after that we started talking on the phone and hanging out. She even came over to my house a couple of times but nonthing happened. We just watched some movies. We would flirt all the time and she would joke about doing more but she laughed about it. She used to tease me alot too.

 

Then she started acting different. she would not call me back like she used to and when she did she didn`t talk long. She started acting nervous and shy around me. When we first met i was the shy and nervous one. Then when i got really comfortable around her , she started acting that way.

 

I thought it was because she was starting to like me more because i know i was starting too really fall for her. So i told her how i felt one night, i was at her place and she got all quiet on me. she was really nervous it seems. I didn`t know what to do so i tried to change the subject but she just wouldn`t talk much after that, so i went home.

 

Next time i saw her she wouldn`t talk to me much, she was at work though. I called her later and she said she didn`t want to talk to me right now. I haven`t heard from her since. I`m starting to worry now because i was thinking she needed time but it`s been over 2 weeks.

 

What do you think i should do?

[SoftDrink]

maybe she lost interest, or maybe she's an attention-who*re.

 

either as a way, as a girl myself, i can tell you that you won't know unless she decides to tell you.

 

don't play her game-she can't play it by herself.

 

maybe she just changed her mind, though.

[Marshbear32]

How do you know she likes you like that? She might just like you friendly and your wanting to do more scared her away. When they avoid you it usually means they didn't like you before or they changed their minds about wanting to get in a relationship.

[what456]

that's not true..some people get scared of getting in to a commited relationship.

[Marshbear32]

Originally posted by what456

that's not true..some people get scared of getting in to a commited relationship.

 

That is true also, What 456....

[thrillseeker]

EVERYONE that you are sexually compelled to (i.e. turned on by) is an AI reflection.

 

If there is no natural attraction at all, there will never be any sexual compulsion. This is because they are on the same side of the wheel as you: i.e. you and they are too much the same polarity "type" and therefore have nothing to ignite the polarity of compulsion. There will never be any sexual compulsion.

 

You will not have sex with ALL of the people who reflect back your AI - that you are sexually compelled to. You will, however, require an integration on some level and this will be accomplished by the nature of the dynamic between you.

 

EVERYONE you feel sexual compulsion toward are AI reflections, or, what I've come to call the AI Muse. These people reflect back to you various layers of that ultimate AI balance which is manifested as a specific issue that will motivate or inspire you to integrate. The "perceptions" that are attributed to the AI Muse will always represent some, but not ALL, of your AI "criteria". I call them "Muses" because these individuals will always inspire and motivate you on some level to better yourself or your circumstance.

 

ALL AI MUSES ARE, BY THEIR VERY NATURE, FIXED TIES.

 

This means that they are among the "lotta frogs" category, and will not progress and evolve with you as you progress and evolve. This means that ALL AI Muse ties will end. These are your short term relationships, ONS, flings, platonic **** buddy deals, etc. And they can be family members. These ties are ONLY for the purpose of integrating certain qualities of your AI that you need in your life at that time. Some AI Muses will be around awhile, others will be very short term but all will provide limited and various reflections of your AI Counterpart, and the relationships with them will ALWAYS end, even if you're related by blood.

 

AI BEACONS are "The Ones" that - at first glance - seem put here for the sole, entire purpose of ****ing your head and heart completely up! You cannot read them, you do not know where they're 'coming from', you are completely thrown for a loop, you are sexually compelled to them against all that is logical and sane. Your physical attraction to them is so profound that you know no mere mortal creature can ever make you feel that excruciatingly aroused off sight alone, your fantasies of the AI Beacon are more powerful than any you ever have for anyone else.

 

You are absolutely petrified to even "just say hi". You get immediately confused at "the scene" between you. In fact, any dealing with the AI Beacon is like living in sudden darkness and confusion. Some girl you think is hot can say, "I'm going to get a drink" and you know that's what she means. The AI Beacon can say "I'm going to get a drink" and suddenly it's all a big cryptic enigma...is he/she really? Did he/she mean that, was that a hint? A blow off? "What does it all mean?" is the theme with the AI Beacon.

 

Further, when it comes to the AI Beacons, you will feel like you are living two separate lives...the "real" one where you have all your "real life" regular relationships, and the one where no one else exists but the AI Beacon, always elusive and just out of reach - the one that forever seems like it was all "just a fantasy." That should be a glaring AI token there, by the way.

 

The AI Beacons are BAIT. In the presence of the AI Beacon, we feel flawed and exposed. It feels no different than if someone stripped you of your clothes and tossed your ugly naked ass out onto a stage for everyone to mock and ridicule - and the AI Beacon has front row center. They can see inside you, thru you, out the other side of you. You are COMPLETELY SELF CONSCIOUS in their presence. This means: CONSCIOUS OF YOUR *SELF*...and this is the point behind your meeting the AI Beacons. The reason the AI Beacons affect you so powerfully is because they are the exact manifestation of The One you always thought was just a fantasy. Which is precisely WHY it always feels like one. You're tuning in to the reality of your Counterpart. The dance with the AI Beacons is always progressive.

 

Because of their profound grip on your entire being, all interactions with them, no matter how slight and mundane will be nothing short of transformative. I use the term BAIT here because it's this powerful AI manifestation that is responsible for pulling you kicking and screaming thru these Actualization stages, inspiring you, motivating you to become even better, stronger, faster, optimum - so that you can (you misperceive) be "enough" for them...to strive for that "equality" you misperceive as not there and you've got the short end of the perfection stick. That degree of self consciousness is mind bogglingly acute. If you've encountered your AI Beacon at all, then you understand this and then some. If not, you will.

 

You will only meet 2 AI Beacons, one for each stage of the root Actualization process, and in some cases, there will be an "intermediary Beacon" which we'll discuss shortly...and rest assured, you will never, ever forget them. The Beacons are - we feel - the embodiment of absolute perfection. NOTHING is wrong with them. They reflect back to you the entire spectrum of your Ideal Counterpart. They're so beautiful and smart they seem to just see right thru your "hellos" and will know that the only reason you're even saying hi is because you want to talk to them...and somehow, somewhere, this actually feels like a "bad thing" when it's a "duh, moron" thing. They can't really, but this is always the (mis-) perception of the AI Beacon. This is what that rawness of exposure feels like.

 

The more perfect you perceive them to be, the more acute is the awareness of all of your flaws by contrast, as well as your readily handy little list of every reason under the sun they would, could never possibly want you. And, the more tolerant you suddenly become of anything they do. What would send you packing from a lesser tie, you are compelled to choke down and tolerate from the AI Beacon. The phrase "halo effect" is completely understood when dealing with the AI Beacon.

 

They can do no wrong. And you can do no right.

 

Two things happen when in the presence of the AI Beacon.

 

1. You are so intimidated, self conscious and overwhelmend by the reality check that you BAIL. You block yourself, put up pretenses as tho you could care less if she is there or not, trying to "broadcast" as subtly as possible that he/she is no different to you than that homely chick or average joe at the grocery store you were talking to about baseball. You will do everything in your power to prevent the AI Beacon from ever knowing he/she affects you at all...that for some unimaginable reason known only to God - or the Great God Prankster - when it comes to him/her, you are suddenly rendered a powerless, empty, blathering fool.

 

You are so powerfully compelled to him/her that you're just about ready to sell your soul for him/her to notice you even 5 minutes, but at the same time you are petrified of getting too close because to you, him/her noticing you means he/she sees how ****ed up you are and invalidates your entire existence. In fact, it doesn't make a shred of difference how confident and on the ball you are "in your other life" with anybody else, in the presence of the AI Beacons, you're suddenly and inexplicably nervous, insecure, intimidated and wrapped - whatever confidence you always thought you had goes out the window.

 

WHEN you bail, and you will, you run away.

 

The AI Beacon will expose every flaw you ever had, and plenty of new ones you never knew you had. This relationship dynamic is so profound an exposure of your Self, that you could have a little tiny scar on your ass from when your brother shot you with a pellet gun when you were 7, that very well would suddenly manage to convince you it is the only "real" reason under the sun the Beacon would find you so completely repulsive it's inevitable he or she'll reject you.

 

The Beacon is perfection incarnate, the Beacon can get whomever she pleases and you'll never really be that worthy. This, of course, only makes you push harder with the Muse as some sort of bizarre inner entanglement that will help force it into your head that yes, you are that worthy. Or, at least you're workin' on it pretty hard.

 

The AI Beacon relationships are just that brutal of a catalyst for Self Awareness. The AI Beacons will yank out all your fears and beat you in the head with them. You can run, but you'll never escape them or the AI Beacon.

 

You KNOW you don't want this girl/guy you're with, you KNOW he'll/she'll never do it for you on a long term basis, he's/she's great, he's/she's fun, he's/she's cute...but he's/she's NOT ?HIMHER. And he/she never will be. He/She is the one that you use to present to the world that you really are a normal person and unaffected by the AI Beacon. "See? I can get anyone!" Is the theme for the Bail Out Muse - only the statment is one of proof of arguement than confident statement of fact. Further, once you have encountered the first AI Beacon, and from then on to the last AI Beacon, and then on to the Counterpart encounter, you will become immediately conscious that all the Muse ties in between are going to be fixed, and that you are now aware your search is for The One.

 

THRU him/her, however, will be - if you pay even the remotest bit of attention to your life - a stark parallel between the AI Muse predicament and that with the AI Beacon. Usually it'll play out in circumstance. ALL the **** that made you run, that got you wigging out in the AI Beacon relationship plays out - almost benevolently - in the tie with the AI Muse parallel...so you can see, by contrast and comparison, your fears for what they are.

 

I call this Integration By Proxy. You're still doin the dance and it's still motivated by the AI Beacon, but you need to temper down your anxieties so you can see what's happening. The AI Muse parallels are people you should honor above all others because it's always with them you gotta hang out your laundry and baggage. You owe it to them to do right by them. Respect them. Whoever they are.

 

The other thing that happens with the AI Beacon is,

 

2. You don't bail. Instead, you manage to maneuver into his/her world, and then, because you are so consumed by his/her effect on you, all you perceive him/her to be, and all the flaws you suddenly feel are exposed and flashing like a neon sign on your forehead, you basically end up feeding him/her a really ****ed up version of who you actually are. You're defensive, insecure, hollow...you are not being yourself, nothing about your union is natural and he's/she's not meeting the real you because you're scared to death that if he/she knows the real you, it's an automatic Rejection Slip...even when away from him/her, you know you're still a pretty cool person and he'd/she'd really like you if he/she got to know you. But he/she doesn't try and you are mystified as to why she won't. You have no idea that YOU are standing in your own way.

 

To your horror, the actual AI Beacon tie lasts a few days, maybe a couple weeks the initial encounter - even if ya have sex - and then suddenly disintegrates. The reason this happens is because, since you're so ****ed up in the head as it is and cannot locate your box of objectivity, you will inevitably mis-read or mis-perceive a subtle event between you - he/she might look at you a certain way and you immediately - because you're operating from the "flaws", assume he/she doesn't like you so say or do something that you probably really shouldn't have said or done.

 

In short, you'll throw a wrench into the dynamic and then blame him/her (ever so delicately, that is) for "not" getting to know you. The actual mundane interactions with the AI Beacons are almost always so simplistic and uneventful in and of themselves anyone else would certainly look at you and shake their heads that you've lost it. They can't see what's the big deal, you just "had coffee" or you only "went out twice". The purpose, remember, is your own integration so the fires will always be internal and intense.

 

Whether you bail before you ever actually meet the AI Beacon face to face, or bail after some misperceived interaction - it is absolutely inevitable that you WILL bail. The difference lies only in your level of genuine confidence and self assurance that you possess when that time comes.

 

Rest easy. The dance with the AI Beacons is progressive and long term. The reason it is long term lies in the fact that your perceptions and fears of the AI Beacons are so great that you cannot possibly dissolve the Veil to the truth in a short term connection. When you bail, the Dance with the AI Beacon hits "The Lapse" period, which is basically the length of time it takes for you to temper down, pull your head out your ass and work thru the AI "phobia".

 

You may bail for a year, maybe a couple years, and may even do something really ****ed up like marry someone else, but inevitably you will encouner him/her again - same woman. He's/She's like some magical being that appears from nowhere - you'll swear this was Divine Intervention ergo he/she must be "The One" - and overturns your life all over again and makes you question everything you've done. And this will continue to happen until you and she dance one on one. Until you can get thru the process.

 

TAG... Your'e it... you're the beacon bro

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Originally posted by Ray22

Maybe you can help me with this girl.

 

I like her a lot, and i know she likes me but she just pushed me away.

Now she won`t talk to me. well she needs time i guess but i`m not sure.

 

Everything was going pretty good i thought. I met her a few months ago and at first we didn`t talk much, only when i saw her at work or around. Then one day she comes up to me and we talk for almost an hour. after that we started talking on the phone and hanging out. She even came over to my house a couple of times but nonthing happened. We just watched some movies. We would flirt all the time and she would joke about doing more but she laughed about it. She used to tease me alot too.

 

Then she started acting different. she would not call me back like she used to and when she did she didn`t talk long. She started acting nervous and shy around me. When we first met i was the shy and nervous one. Then when i got really comfortable around her , she started acting that way.

 

I thought it was because she was starting to like me more because i know i was starting too really fall for her. So i told her how i felt one night, i was at her place and she got all quiet on me. she was really nervous it seems. I didn`t know what to do so i tried to change the subject but she just wouldn`t talk much after that, so i went home.

 

Next time i saw her she wouldn`t talk to me much, she was at work though. I called her later and she said she didn`t want to talk to me right now. I haven`t heard from her since. I`m starting to worry now because i was thinking she needed time but it`s been over 2 weeks.

 

What do you think i should do?

[thrillseeker]

I think its best to expand on this: I think its more appropriate to say that some people are afraid of connecting on an emotional level: ergo the basis of the one night stand (no committment, no connection). FEAR of CONNECTING. We're ALL looking for that ultimate connection. When we find it... Do we go for it or run away. Relationships in general require two people to let down their guard completely blah blah blah... Some people, as soon as their emotions are aroused, get frightened of losing control over themselves. They may think they're not good enough, or that they will def get hurt etc. etc. Fear of the unknown. People like this may avoid MEANINGFUL relationships. Often times the most meaningful relationships, when it comes to an intimate relationship is the committed relationship.

 

Originally posted by what456

that's not true..some people get scared of getting in to a commited relationship.

[Ray22]

Thanks everytone for the replies.

 

I think i have been over analyzing this whole thing too much lately. I`m just really starting to miss her now and i have this over whelming urge to call her. If she is scared to comment or if i am her al beacon as thrillseeker puts it, what can i do? Just wait and let her come to me? How long should i wait?

 

Is there anything i can do to ease her fears? Or maybe if she just isnt interested or just wanted to be friends would she tell me? If i called her and asked.

 

I was thinking maybe she wants to talk to me but is afraid to call, and she is hoping i would call her. Ok i know i`m streching it here but i`m confused. I`m afraid if i do call it could push her away further but if i dont call i`m afraid she might think i don`t care anymore and move on.

[Ray22]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

 

I think i have been over analyzing this whole thing too much lately. I`m just really starting to miss her now and i have this over whelming urge to call her. If she is scared to comment or if i am her al beacon as thrillseeker puts it, what can i do? Just wait and let her come to me? How long should i wait?

 

Is there anything i can do to ease her fears? Or maybe if she just isnt interested or just wanted to be friends would she tell me? If i called her and asked.

 

I was thinking maybe she wants to talk to me but is afraid to call, and she is hoping i would call her. Ok i know i`m streching it here but i`m confused. I`m afraid if i do call it could push her away further but if i dont call i`m afraid she might think i don`t care anymore and move on.

[Ray22]

Opps i didn`t mean to post the same message twice. I got a website not responding message when i tried to post the first time and i didnt think it went trhough.

 

Well anyway Thrillseeker i think i understand what you are saying here. The last time i saw her she was trying to ignore me or act like she didnt care, but she seemed so nervous at the same time.

 

Anyway i was sorta the same way when we first met. I was so nervous i couldn`t believe this beautuful woman was talking to me. She was the first to approach me. She even asked one of my friends if i had a girlfriend before she started talking to me. Maybe that boasted my confidence after he told me. I am just kinda shy anyway especially around women but i get over it after i get to know them a little. She did seem a little nervous at first but i didnt` notice it until after it got worse.

 

Now i`m depressed because she won`t talk to me. i just wish she would calm down and discuss it with me.

[thrillseeker]

If she is nervous around you, she is def attracted to you on an extreme level. So much so that in a way she may be afraid of getting close. Her defense mechanism in the face of this emotional threat is to back off and try to regain composure and understand whats scaring the ahite outta her. I have the same situation right now. There's this girl I like and kind of care about but she is flighty as hell. Jsut from my experiences with women I know she likes me. When we hangout ever so rarely she's comfortable at the beginning but starts getting insecure, like saying "I should get back into working out" etc etc... I got into diesel shape, like totally ripped and unfortunately the shyer girls: the ones I am SUPER attracted to are scared of getting close. Its very upsetting to me to. But I understand what's going on, have my self control and am slowly drawing her out. It may take a lot of time, but I figure it this way: persistence breaks resistance. But the persistence has gotta be confident and lowkey. No desperation on your part. No pushiness. It will just aggravate the girl's fear. The only thing I can do is gently prod her. That's it. The same goes for you. Do not confess your feelings for her again since this will overwhelm her even more than she is already. Emotions are a powerful and scary energy to those who have not felt the full range possible. Be friendly. DOnt call her. Bump into her, say hi. DONT PUSH DONT PUSH DONT PUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sel;f control is the name of the game here. It shoulw be an ego boost to an extent that you make her nervous. Try to understand this k?

 

Here's another thing I want you to think about... If she wasnt attracted to you, she wouldnt be nervous around you. People just dont act nervous around those who dont rouse their emotions. Got it? You wouldnt ever be nervous around some unattractive fat chick would you? hell no, because there is no attraction, no fear of rejection, and most importantly, you dont percieve them as being perfect.

 

Originally posted by Ray22

Opps i didn`t mean to post the same message twice. I got a website not responding message when i tried to post the first time and i didnt think it went trhough.

 

Well anyway Thrillseeker i think i understand what you are saying here. The last time i saw her she was trying to ignore me or act like she didnt care, but she seemed so nervous at the same time.

 

Anyway i was sorta the same way when we first met. I was so nervous i couldn`t believe this beautuful woman was talking to me. She was the first to approach me. She even asked one of my friends if i had a girlfriend before she started talking to me. Maybe that boasted my confidence after he told me. I am just kinda shy anyway especially around women but i get over it after i get to know them a little. She did seem a little nervous at first but i didnt` notice it until after it got worse.

 

Now i`m depressed because she won`t talk to me. i just wish she would calm down and discuss it with me.

[SoftDrink]

Originally posted by thrillseeker

If she is nervous around you, she is def attracted to you on an extreme level.

 

Here's another thing I want you to think about... If she wasnt attracted to you, she wouldnt be nervous around you. People just dont act nervous around those who dont rouse their emotions. Got it? You wouldnt ever be nervous around some unattractive fat chick would you? hell no, because there is no attraction, no fear of rejection, and most importantly, you dont percieve them as being perfect.

 

 

not true.

 

someone's presence may cause someone to be nervous through emotions or feelings other than attraction.

 

it can also be due to reluctance, discomfort, guilt, fear of confrontation, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc.

 

you absolutely do not have to be attracted to someone to feel nervous around them.

 

if she exhibited other signs of interest at this point, then maybe i would agree in this case, but she didn't, she's actively avoiding him.

[Marshbear32]

not true.

 

someone's presence may cause someone to be nervous through emotions or feelings other than attraction.

 

it can also be due to reluctance, discomfort, guilt, fear of confrontation, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc.

 

you absolutely do not have to be attracted to someone to feel nervous around them.

 

if she exhibited other signs of interest at this point, then maybe i would agree in this case, but she didn't, she's actively avoiding him.

 

I agree with you softdrink. You do not have to be attracted to someone to avoid them. If you know they like you and you do not then you will tend to avoid them because you are uncomfortable in their presence. There is a difference between nervous because of attraction and nervous because of discomfort.

 

I have found though that if someone avoids you because of anger then they do have pretty strong feelings for you. The opposite of love is not hate it is indifference. Anger shows that they are not indifferent to you.

[thrillseeker]

interest and attraction are two different things. Interest is the capacity to act on attraction. Disinterest is the opposite. IF she was definitely physically attracted to him, she didnt suddenly become less attracted to him. Something inside her made her act in an avoidant manner. She got spooked by something.

If she was physically attracted to him from the get go she is still attracted to him now, even though she's avoiding him. The avoiding thing only means she's not willing to fuel whatever transpired between him and her with interest. If shes actively avoiding him, like I said he needs to back off too. She feels threatened. She's not willing to pursue anything right now. Doesnt mean shes not attracted to him at the same time. He told her how he felt about her. She became nervous and shy. She could EASILY have corrected the situation by telling him shes flattered but she likes him as a friend IF she WASNT ATTRACTED TO HIM. If, after she hypothetically said this and he still pursued, she would have a reason to avoid him for reasons unrelated to attraction. I have not met a single girl in my life who became nervous on me due to not being attracted to me after I asked her out, or told her I like her. All of the girls I have experienced this with got nervous because they were attracted but never expected they'd be in a situation where they would ahve to follow through with their attraction. It boils down to self esteem/self acceptance issues. A "crush" is nothing more than fanatasizing about someone you're attracted to but also being too chicken**** to act on the attraction when its go time.

 

 

Our boy wrote this:

 

"Everything was going pretty good i thought. I met her a few months ago and at first we didn`t talk much, only when i saw her at work or around. Then one day she comes up to me and we talk for almost an hour. after that we started talking on the phone and hanging out. She even came over to my house a couple of times but nonthing happened. We just watched some movies. We would flirt all the time and she would joke about doing more but she laughed about it. She used to tease me alot too.

 

Then she started acting different. she would not call me back like she used to and when she did she didn`t talk long. She started acting nervous and shy around me. When we first met i was the shy"

and nervous one. Then when i got really comfortable around her , she started acting that way"

 

Use common sense here... He DID NOTHING NADA ZIP to make her back off. She backed off on her own due to her own inner BS. He didnt do anything explcitly to make her afraid. THis proves my point that her attraction to him, combined with some innate insecurity/self esteem issue made her back off and that's what'd fuelign the avoidance.

 

 

 

Originally posted by SoftDrink

not true.

 

someone's presence may cause someone to be nervous through emotions or feelings other than attraction.

 

it can also be due to reluctance, discomfort, guilt, fear of confrontation, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc.

 

you absolutely do not have to be attracted to someone to feel nervous around them.

 

if she exhibited other signs of interest at this point, then maybe i would agree in this case, but she didn't, she's actively avoiding him.

[SoftDrink]

Originally posted by thrillseeker

 

 

Use common sense here... He DID NOTHING NADA ZIP to make her back off. She backed off on her own due to her own inner BS. He didnt do anything explcitly to make her afraid. THis proves my point that her attraction to him, combined with some innate insecurity/self esteem issue made her back off and that's what'd fuelign the avoidance.

 

 

 

 

but just how do you know how and what she's thinking?

 

i've backed off from someone, not because of insecurity or my own " inner bs."

 

there have been times when i thought i was totally into someone, and then all of a sudden something clicked and it was just gone. i know both guys and girls who have gone through this.

 

yes, it does seem as though she could have said "sorry, i just changed my mind" but this would come along with a huge discussion and questions and all the bs that is unnecessary when it's a young "relationship." it may be unfair, but it is easier to just avoid it because it's a hassle. if it was a real, long-term, established relationship, yes she would owe him an explanation, even if she chose not. her character would be far more questionable. but they were not even dating. they had a flirtation, hanging-out kind of thing going. it was just long enough for him to become comfortable, and for her to realize she didn't want to continue it.

 

if i decide i don't like someone anymore, sure it may be mean or unfair to just avoid the situation than to provide an explanation, but it doesn't mean i have insecurity or self-esteem issues. sometimes, the problem is, in fact, the other person. just like she may be "chicken-shyt" to tell him the truth, the fact remains that she is not interested.

 

she just didn't feel like going through the whole "it's not you it's me; i'm just not ready for a relationship right now; i like you but i am afraid of getting hurt; i hope we can still be friends" bullshyt that guys don't believe and don't want to to hear anyway.

 

lots of people feel this way.

[thrillseeker]

Interesting point. But you are speaking for yourself. Most girls and guys I know who lose sudden interest dont even give a rats ass about the person they were once interested in. That person is no longer relevant. They may avoid the person, but they certainly dont act shy. Were you nervous AND shy around the guy you no longer had an interest in?

 

I think the likely explanation is that if she is avoiding him, AND acting shy and nervous means there is a self esteem issue of some sort. If physical attraction was there at the beginning, its still there now. The only way this can be conclusively proven is if he backs off for a while: it can be amonth, it can be for 3 months, he could get involved with another girl in the meantime, but if this girl attempts to reestablish contact, it means she was always attracted and just afraid. I'm not saything this is a strategy on how to deal with this. Its just a most plausible explanation for her behaviour. It does not guarantee that she'll ever hook up with him though because its a tango. Even if she doesn, it doesnt mean its gonna be a stable relationship. If she doesnt wanna dance, if she feels to great of a risk to dance, then there's nothing he can do to change her mind. She needs to decide on her own, and its possible by the time she decides he will be long gone. My solution to all of this when it comes to women is to use the first 2-4 months as a stability evaluation phase. I dont get attached. I merely try to see how stable the person and figure out their agenda. Has worked for me for 6 years and have not had my feelings hurt when relationships have disintegrated in that time frame.

 

 

Originally posted by SoftDrink

but just how do you know how and what she's thinking?

 

i've backed off from someone, not because of insecurity or my own " inner bs."

 

there have been times when i thought i was totally into someone, and then all of a sudden something clicked and it was just gone. i know both guys and girls who have gone through this.

 

yes, it does seem as though she could have said "sorry, i just changed my mind" but this would come along with a huge discussion and questions and all the bs that is unnecessary when it's a young "relationship." it may be unfair, but it is easier to just avoid it because it's a hassle. if it was a real, long-term, established relationship, yes she would owe him an explanation, even if she chose not. her character would be far more questionable. but they were not even dating. they had a flirtation, hanging-out kind of thing going. it was just long enough for him to become comfortable, and for her to realize she didn't want to continue it.

 

if i decide i don't like someone anymore, sure it may be mean or unfair to just avoid the situation than to provide an explanation, but it doesn't mean i have insecurity or self-esteem issues. sometimes, the problem is, in fact, the other person. just like she may be "chicken-shyt" to tell him the truth, the fact remains that she is not interested.

 

she just didn't feel like going through the whole "it's not you it's me; i'm just not ready for a relationship right now; i like you but i am afraid of getting hurt; i hope we can still be friends" bullshyt that guys don't believe and don't want to to hear anyway.

 

lots of people feel this way.

[Ray22]

You`re right softdrink, it doesn't really matter why she lost interest or what is going on in her mind. The fact is she doesn`t want me in her life right now, and she is not going to tell me unless she wants to. There is nothing i can do but move on.

 

I left some stuff out of my post because i wanted to keep it short, but i got a lot more than just comfortable around her. I was falling in love with her. ok i only knew her 3 months before that and we never really dated, but we did spend alot of time together. She`s the most incredible woman that i`ve ever met, i guess i got so caught up and carried away, it happened so fast. I don`t know what hit me.

 

She has trust issues with guys too, she was in an abusive relationship before. She thinks that all most guys care about is sex. I tried to tell her i wasn`t like that. and when i told her she was so beautiful i didn`t get the chance to tell her i meant on the inside too.

 

Maybe she didn`t believe me, or maybe she thought i was going too fast. There i go dwelling again ahhhhh. I know she doesn`t owe me an explanation, but a simple goodbye or i`m not interested anymore or something would have made me feel better i think. I just feel like it is unresolved and it doesn`t feel right.

 

I`ve never just clicked and stopped liking someone like that, but i guess a lot of people do. Anyway it doesn`t matter anymore, it`s time for me to let her go. Thanks for your opinions. I really needed a female perspective on this.

 

 

Originally posted by SoftDrink

but just how do you know how and what she's thinking?

 

i've backed off from someone, not because of insecurity or my own " inner bs."

 

there have been times when i thought i was totally into someone, and then all of a sudden something clicked and it was just gone. i know both guys and girls who have gone through this.

 

yes, it does seem as though she could have said "sorry, i just changed my mind" but this would come along with a huge discussion and questions and all the bs that is unnecessary when it's a young "relationship." it may be unfair, but it is easier to just avoid it because it's a hassle. if it was a real, long-term, established relationship, yes she would owe him an explanation, even if she chose not. her character would be far more questionable. but they were not even dating. they had a flirtation, hanging-out kind of thing going. it was just long enough for him to become comfortable, and for her to realize she didn't want to continue it.

 

if i decide i don't like someone anymore, sure it may be mean or unfair to just avoid the situation than to provide an explanation, but it doesn't mean i have insecurity or self-esteem issues. sometimes, the problem is, in fact, the other person. just like she may be "chicken-shyt" to tell him the truth, the fact remains that she is not interested.

 

she just didn't feel like going through the whole "it's not you it's me; i'm just not ready for a relationship right now; i like you but i am afraid of getting hurt; i hope we can still be friends" bullshyt that guys don't believe and don't want to to hear anyway.

 

lots of people feel this way.

[Ray22]

You make a lot of interesting points thrillseeker. I am going to keep what you said in mind in my future relationships. I need to try that 2-4 months of not getting too attached like you do.. that is a good idea. It must be hard sometime though. I so caught up in her.

 

I wish had found this site months ago. Things might be different between us right now. I am just having a hard time letting go of her. If she wasn`t so beautiful. I know it`s not all about that, and there is a lot more to her than just a pretty face. She is everything i ever wanted. Man i sound so pathetic right now. I kinda thought she as the one though, it`s hard to explain.

 

I am going to stay away completely now though, i think it`s best for me because i am never going to get over her unless i do. I have cried enough tears over her.

 

Good luck with that girl you were talking about, i hope it works out for you. As for me i`m not going to be looking for anyone right now. I need to be single for a while.

 

 

 

 

Originally posted by thrillseeker

Interesting point. But you are speaking for yourself. Most girls and guys I know who lose sudden interest dont even give a rats ass about the person they were once interested in. That person is no longer relevant. They may avoid the person, but they certainly dont act shy. Were you nervous AND shy around the guy you no longer had an interest in?

 

I think the likely explanation is that if she is avoiding him, AND acting shy and nervous means there is a self esteem issue of some sort. If physical attraction was there at the beginning, its still there now. The only way this can be conclusively proven is if he backs off for a while: it can be amonth, it can be for 3 months, he could get involved with another girl in the meantime, but if this girl attempts to reestablish contact, it means she was always attracted and just afraid. I'm not saything this is a strategy on how to deal with this. Its just a most plausible explanation for her behaviour. It does not guarantee that she'll ever hook up with him though because its a tango. Even if she doesn, it doesnt mean its gonna be a stable relationship. If she doesnt wanna dance, if she feels to great of a risk to dance, then there's nothing he can do to change her mind. She needs to decide on her own, and its possible by the time she decides he will be long gone. My solution to all of this when it comes to women is to use the first 2-4 months as a stability evaluation phase. I dont get attached. I merely try to see how stable the person and figure out their agenda. Has worked for me for 6 years and have not had my feelings hurt when relationships have disintegrated in that time frame.

[clynn]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

If I were good friends with a guy and flirting and spending time with him and he revealed his feelings to me like you did....if I didn't reciprocate them I would come forward and tell him how much I valued our friendship, blah blah. Maybe not right away but after a few days.

 

If you were someone I didn't know very well I might try to avoid you.

 

But I would talk with a guy I had been developing a friendship with.

 

This really is too bad. It may indeed be something like thrillseeker had to say about her being scared and all that jazz. Still. you'd think she'd say somethign to you or be in touch just to talk as a friend.

 

Sorry.

 

Hey - good for you having the guts to speak about it with and taking the risk.