1 year Post DD

[1yearDD]

I've been reading forums for sometime and now want to post my story. I hope to list it as unbiased and succinct as possible.

 

My wife was in an affair for 5 months that I discovered on May 9, 2016. I was suspicious during this period and eventually found my wife's diary (May 9) that had all the gory details of her affair in print. My wife is a personal trainer and was training her AP at his home gym. The affair is what I would describe as an intensely sexual affair. They were having sex in the AP's home while his children were home and sometimes his wife. Things were said and done with him that were not done with me. The wife of the AP was also a close friend of my wife's. The affair eventually evolved into meeting in parking garages and having sex in the back seat of his car and my car on one occasion, to avoid getting caught. While the affair lasted 5 months, they were together 15 times when his and her schedules allowed. There was no indication that she wanted the affair to end.

 

To make matters worse the AP is a semi-celebrity in our city of 1,000,000 people. He's a wealthy entrepreneur that has a womanizer reputation, lives in a mansion and has his own private jet. The AP has probably slept with 100's of woman and done everything in the book. He is a sociopath to say the least. He groomed my wife with all the compliments in the world and she fell for it hook line and sinker. She has explained that she was attracted to his money, success and confidence, not to mention that 'he knows about beautiful women'.

 

During the affair, the AP's marriage was ending and my wife was hearing the story of the marital breakdown from both sides. To be clear my wife was having an affair with her close friends husband.

 

I have struggled with depression since my mid 20's and have struggled with alcohol use over the years. I have also struggled with overuse of pornography and masterbation. I am an attractive man in relatively good shape. I have a good job making a 6 figured income more than able to support our 3 young boys. My depression has worsened significantly since Dday and I have been on a cycle of AD's. I unfortunately have raged with my wife in the past year. The anger has dissipated and currently I am a bit apathetic and sad more recently. I no longer drink or look at pornography.

 

My wife is not the type of person to apologize normally and so her ability to apologize or show remorse has been somewhat limited. She is getting better. She does not want to deal with our problems for the most part and is more 'wanting to enjoy me'. We have had a very active sex life over the past year. We have discussed the hurt that's involved with her giving to the AP in ways she didn't give to me and she has expressed some hesitation in wanting to give to me and more. She has certain things that she is afraid of doing that I feel she was enroute to giving to the AP. Its a contentious issue to say the least. My wife has always liked to portray a wholesome image and explored religion in her early years. I believe she still tries to uphold this wholesome image when she speaks about the affair. She tends to sugar coat the story.

 

I have done some things correctly and also made some mistakes in the wake of the affair discovery. My wife's siblings and father were told, my parents were told, which helped snuff out the affair fairly quickly. I made my wife tell her friend/AP's wife about the affair, which didn't go very well. My wife also teaches fitness classes at a local gym with thousand of members. My wife had met the AP's wife at the gym and once she found out about the affair she showed up at the gym the next day and told as many people as she could about my wife having an affair with her husband. That being said, there are any number of people that know about the affair. I feel a lot of shame as a result of this. Regardless, it was the right thing to tell the AP's wife. Possibly it may have been better for me to have told the AP's wife, as it might have reduced the fallout at the gym.

 

My wife's mother died a year prior to the affair starting and her and my mother had had a falling out which had significant impact on our marriage. My drinking was also having an impact on our marriage. My wife explains that she just didn't care about anything and anyone when the affair started and she was going to do what she wanted.

 

My view and feelings about the affair have changed from week to week. I am currently quite pessimistic about our chances of R. I don't believe I can be happy with her knowing how uncaring and selfish she was and given who her AP was. There are constant reminders of the affair/AP scattered around the city and our neighbourhood. I don't believe she feels bad about the affair only just getting caught. I think my wife has what I call 'affair complex' where a WS returns to the marriage and superimposes 'the good things of the affair' upon the recovering marital relationship. You can imagine what that does to my self esteem. That she somehow wants me to be like her AP.

 

Why don't I leave? Because my emotions change from day to day. Because my lifestyle would be affected dramatically. Because I do like parts of my wife. Because she has been trying. Because I am afraid to be alone. Because my kids would be affected (my parents divorced when I was young and my experience growing up was not a good one, even under the best of conditions). Because I can't get away from my wife even if we divorce, she will always be there due to the kids, spousal support.

 

Yeah this sucks.

[GoldenR]

What I got from your story? You are plan B. Can you live with that?

[1yearDD]

What I got from your story? You are plan B. Can you live with that?

 

We've talked about this. That yes if this guy wasn't a sociopath and actually wanted more from my wife than sex, than she probably would have left me. If he had chased her after Dday, she would have left me. She was emotionally attached to him during the affair and the 4-6 months following. She had fallen out of love with me. She was in love with AP. I get it. Can I live with it? I am not sure, even a year out.

 

If he pursued her again, I like to think she would tell him off. I could be wrong.

[reboot]

If he pursued her again, I like to think she would tell him off. I could be wrong.

 

I wouldn't count on that.

[doyathinkso]

We've talked about this. That yes if this guy wasn't a sociopath and actually wanted more from my wife than sex, than she probably would have left me. If he had chased her after Dday, she would have left me. She was emotionally attached to him during the affair and the 4-6 months following. She had fallen out of love with me. She was in love with AP. I get it. Can I live with it? I am not sure, even a year out.

 

If he pursued her again, I like to think she would tell him off. I could be wrong.

 

 

So just why, in God's name, are you still with this ....... person?

[preraph]

Oh, he is out of the picture. He's probably been with dozens of women since then. But I know what you mean about having to have the reminders.

 

This may seem obtuse, but it's just a suggestion.

My favorite aunt, the sweetest most perfect woman you can imagine, always in a good mood, housekeeper, cook, beauty, lived in a small town with her doting also perfect husband, war hero, handsome enough to have been recruited by Hollywood (but much too shy for that). Perfect little conventional lives. Well, she got that "bored housewife" thing and it manifested in her shoving a steak up her skirt and getting caught shoplifting. Now, this was incomprehensible to the entire family, mind you, but our girl needed a little excitement, and so there it was.

 

So they had that same issue -- being in the same small town, word gets around. Everyone can't believe it's true, this model household. Anyway, they just quietly moved to another small town not too far away and problem solved.

 

Not sure you're in any position to move, but it would be nice to have a new start somewhere without the bad memories and reminders.

[1yearDD]

Another one of those contentious topics. My wife 'loves' her job at the gym teaching fitness classes socializing with the members. She says she wouldn't be happy if we moved. Why would I want to take her away from something she loves. She won't move anywhere beyond a 10km radius from our current home if at all.

Edited June 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted quote of entire previous post. ~JC

[BetrayedDad]

We've talked about this. That yes if this guy wasn't a sociopath and actually wanted more from my wife than sex, than she probably would have left me. If he had chased her after Dday, she would have left me. She was emotionally attached to him during the affair and the 4-6 months following. She had fallen out of love with me. She was in love with AP. I get it. Can I live with it? I am not sure, even a year out.

 

If he pursued her again, I like to think she would tell him off. I could be wrong.

 

I feel like I'm in a similar situation now...although I'm only 13 days post d-day. After 17 years of marriage, I found out she had been having an affair for just shy of 4 years. I do feel like I'm her plan B and do believe that she would have left me for him under different circumstances. We have 2 kids and I'm struggling with the idea of not seeing my kids everyday because of what she did. However, I have schedule to start mitigation in 2 weeks.

[Vincentstreet]

I am saying this in hope it will slap you to your senses

 

You my friend are what we would refer to as whipped! living under your wife's skirt. Grow up and be a man.. she cheated and yet is calling the shots!

"She loves her job.."she ..she ..she .. she"

Are you even able to stand up to her? She is the one who engaged in intensely grotesque sexual acts with this duchebag and yet she is calling the shots? you will never be attractive to her if your center is her?

I bet she loved the sex to say the least... you are no.2 and ok with it? Are you even listening to yourself? I had to read it twice to .. gobsmacked you put up with this!

Your wife will cheat on you again because you have no backbone...

wake up and be decisive... You will get no remorse from someone who hardly sounds remorseful.

[Marc878]

You aren't in R and probably never will be.

 

Right now you're not addressing anything just staying in a marriage is not the same thing as having a marriage.

 

She sounds entitled and you are in your current state powerless to do anything other than accept it.

 

Why?

[Sparta]

BH is they come off very weak. and that is the most unattractive thing to a woman the right thing to do after discovery is to file for divorce now people are so afraid of that specially BH's but only if they Knew what a positive impact it could have on their WW's by filing divorce right away.! It Could snap the WW back right into reality and out of Lala land. I'm sure you're aware it takes time to get a divorce you could always stop divorce proceedings. If you so choose to. But now you're really come off week. And let's face it she's only there because the same reasons you are tell us why you there. I have to stay you for the kids, we always hear it, "I'm staying for the kids" will it's been proven that the kids are better off to have the parents split and divorce. To remain in the situation you find yourself now. A home that is non-loving, harboring resentments, and now dysfunctional mother and father... because let's facing it kids pick up on everything. That's my two cents on it

[drifter777]

It is refreshing to hear another BH rattle off the same reasons for staying as I had. I think many, many men stay for these precise reasons; psychologists call it "Life Inertia" and it is extremely difficult to overcome without professional help. My point is that you have joined a very large club that no one wants to be a member of...

 

Since the sex seems to be particularly troubling for you I'd suggest that you are never going to "get over" this and you will never forgive her. Without a new & better reason to leave her you are likely to simply stay unhappily married for as long as she stays with you. The good news is that you can get comfortable with keeping all of this locked away in your mind. You can get to a point where you don't think about it every day and, when you do, you never want to talk to her about it anymore. She'll love that. Maybe there are other things the two of you have that are not tarnished. You have your kids, someday grandkids. Maybe you like to travel or hike or whatever. If you try hard enough you can find a way to live with all of this and be ok. Mostly.

[BluesPower]

You think this is her first or last affair? Do you really think that?

 

Listen, she has you completely buffaloed and you are taking it, like a small little kitten.

 

Do you have any self-respect at all? She took a dump on you and your marriage and she is still doing it?

 

Please file for divorce, as soon as you can get to the lawyer.

 

And then find the best counselor, life coach or whatever and start daily therapy. You have no idea how to stand up and be a man.

 

Please listen to what I and the other are telling you. You have been taken, she is using you and she does not love you. She has no respect for you in any way.

 

Man, I hope you are able to wake up...

[Mrs. John Adams]

ok...now you have shared your story and i am very sorry you are here, I do have some questions for you.

 

What have the two of you done toward reconciliation? Read any books? therapy?

 

Has anything changed....has she become transparent? Does she give you her passwords and her itenerary? Do you talk about what happened? Has she answered your questions?

 

Do you think the two of you still love each other? Or are you just co existing and co parenting?

 

I feel like you have just strictly shared what happened....but you have left out what has been done in the past year.

[whichwayisup]

She's not sorry she got caught, she's not sorry for what she's done to you and chances are she'd cheat on you again, either with him again or someone else.

 

Your wife is broken inside and until she gets therapy and fixes herself, deals with her pain and loss of losing her mom, mends fences with your mom, learns how to reconnect with you and own what she's done, show you real remorse sorry to say, your marriage is doomed.

 

You're bending over backwards, taking too much blame for HER choice to cheat on you and have an affair. Yes you two had some issues before the affair, but that doesn't justify what she's done.

 

Is this marriage worth saving? Especially if you're the one jumping through hoops and trying to keep your wife happy?

Possibly it may have been better for me to have told the AP's wife, as it might have reduced the fallout at the gym.

 

Nope. That is your wife and her husband's consequence of having a work place affair. That's the fallout which you have no control over. Good for his wife to tell everybody. Your wife should feel bad, shameful for what she's done to you but also her so-called 'friend'. That's double betrayal.

[aliveagain]

Did you post your story on LS in the past, have you changed your user name? Your story seems familiar. You are experiencing the imbalance that infidelity creates when a betrayed spouse stays with their unremorseful cheating spouse. You, your relationship, your ability to fully trust her again will ever fully return. Your married to someone that likes the thrill of being in multiple relationships. Right now she may be accepting your punishment but(just my guess)as long as the punishment isn't too high. You'll be walking on eggshells for a very long time. What kind of low life snake has sex with her best friends husband when her best friend is home and so are her children? Just think about that bolded sentence for a little while.

 

 

This is why deep down you are still troubled. You know she lacks the self control to stop herself when she wants something that makes her feel good. Your worried about the next time you go through another rough patch, all marriages do. She is staying married to you for what ever it is she gets from your relationship. That may not be enough if the next clown that comes along isn't a sociopath. You can't trust her, she works with a lot of buff and wealthier men, she may be required to meet them alone in their homes, having his children or wife home doesn't appear to be an obstacle to her(might give her a bigger rush). If you restrict her cliental or where she trains them she will accuse you of being controlling. You can't win when your married to a cheater that falls in love easily. Hope she signed a postnuptial agreement as part of reconciliation.

[Jersey born raised]

Do you have an children? What age group/school level are they?

[1yearDD]

She's not sorry she got caught, she's not sorry for what she's done to you and chances are she'd cheat on you again, either with him again or someone else.

 

I like your post. My thoughts on having told her myself is that I could have saved myself some embarrassment when I hit the gym, not to protect my wife. Her friend was having her own affair at the time, which helped justify what she did.

Edited June 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote of entire previous post. ~JC

[1yearDD]

It is refreshing to hear another BH rattle off the same reasons for staying as I had. I think many, many men stay for these precise reasons; psychologists call it "Life Inertia" and it is extremely difficult to overcome without professional help. My point is that you have joined a very large club that no one wants to be a member of...

 

I am hoping this thread will help overcome the inertia

Edited June 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote of entire previous post. ~JC

[1yearDD]

ok...now you have shared your story and i am very sorry you are here, I do have some questions for you.

 

What have the two of you done toward reconciliation? Read any books? therapy?

 

We have done MC 2 months following Dday which was a disaster. I have asked her to read some books which she says she will but doesn't. I have been in IC from the beginning up until recently. She begrudgingly went to IC but seems to have used it to talk about me and the marriage. We have an appointment for a new MC this Saturday

 

Has anything changed....has she become transparent? Does she give you her passwords and her itenerary? Do you talk about what happened? Has she answered your questions?

 

She has fought being transparent, although has complied. She was passive agressive when I would ask to see her phone. I have stopped checking. She feels all we do is talk about it. She has answered my questions and more. Yesterday she explained why she did sexual things with him and not me. That really hurt. Apparently he was over the top complimentary when she did these things to him, which made her feel comfortable.

 

Do you think the two of you still love each other? Or are you just co existing and co parenting?

 

We are attracted to each other

 

I feel like you have just strictly shared what happened....but you have left out what has been done in the past year.

 

I don't feel like much. She just wants to enjoy me. She is sick of talking about the affair and wants to enjoy our relationship cause its been so hard over the past year.

 

Lots of child like theatrics in our arguments. Empty threats from both sides. Rarely calm discussions about what happened.

[1yearDD]

Did you post your story on LS in the past, have you changed your user name?

 

I posted my story on surviving infidelity a number of months ago. My wife discovered the thread and her reaction at the time was anger that people will be able to figure out who we are, given the details that were disclosed. This site seemed a little less militant, although I am questioning that now, which is why I started a new thread here.

Edited June 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote of entire previous post. ~JC

[1yearDD]

Do you have an children? What age group/school level are they?

 

3 boys ages 6, 8 and 10.

[Jersey born raised]

So many adultery posts echo the themes in your marriage. I am familiar with threads that could be your's. Understand regardless if you did post another thread about a year ago on another thread much of the advise you will receive here will be the same. Reality says: gravity cannot be reasoned with, you jump of a five story building onto a cement sidewalk-splat will always result.

 

Having said that I think you should be grateful she is getting more honest. I am sure you got a lot of TT and are still experiencing Blame-shifting. As long as she is shifting blame the marriage is really not in reconciliation.

 

I find it odd you comment the sex is great. Is she as fully involved sexually with you as with him?

[Jersey born raised]

How are we militant? Please note the language commonly used on the site you mentioned and many others you will not find here. Not even commonly used symbols. In short it forces the poster to provide an explanation instead of a simple word. If you feel a posts is over the top either address it by responding directly or use the alert button (by the edit button) at the bottom of a post.

 

But the themes remain. Understand yes your marriage has issues. The adultery is separate and needs to be dealt separately. You mentioned how your new level of intimacy seems to always be clouded by the adultery. If the adultery had been dealt with this would not be an issue.

 

Has you wife read any books on the subject? These are commonly mentioned as very helpful.

 

Common recommend books

 

5 love languages*

To Good to leave, To bad to Stay

How to help your spouse heal from an affair

His Needs - Her Needs

 

Have either of you used IC or MC? If so what advise has been given?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you for answering my questions.

 

I have another one that is probably more important than anything else....what do you want?

 

Do you want to reconcile? or are you looking for reasons to just end it and divorce?