1 year Post DD

[aliveagain]

I posted my story on surviving infidelity a number of months ago. My wife discovered the thread and her reaction at the time was anger that people will be able to figure out who we are, given the details that were disclosed. This site seemed a little less militant, although I am questioning that now, which is why I started a new thread here.

 

Friend, people here mean well and when you see anger it is usually because they are angry for you and not at you. There are many posters here that also post on SI as well as other sites. I have a lot of respect for posters like Bigger. Getting mad at you for finding a site that helped you stay married to her doesn't sound like remorse. She is trying to control you into rug sweeping this away so she doesn't have to do the work. This is why we always advise you to discount what she says and only believe her actions. Her actions are loud and clear to me. Just my opinion but perhaps your wife is of the logic that as long as her infidelity doesn't deprive you as her spouse your not being harmed, your still getting your share. Perhaps she is only doing enough to keep you in the marriage.

 

Have you given her your requirements for staying married to her, no meeting men in their homes, GNO's, transparency, independent counselling to find out why she allowed herself the approval to betray you. Your way past the 6 months most take to assess their situation. If she's not doing the work and you can't trust her, fire her.

[TiredofLies888]

I think it would be hard for many to have a wife that has that profession, there are way too many opportunities to share intimately, or get close to people and when you are working with wealthy and good looking people, I am sure there's a lot of temptation there...I would expect that if your wife feels she can still engage in that profession, (since part of the affair was also the opportunity her profession allows), then if she was truly thinking about your feelings, she'd be able to understand that maybe she can't handle that temptation and still remain faithful, and consider doing something else.If she loves fitness, she could teach classes where she is with a group at all times, vs. one on one with an attractive man as a personal trainer, and in a public place (gym) vs. in somebody's home.

 

I know a lot of people will probably disagree with me, but this is a big part of the problem that I have in my own marriage. I am a good-looking woman, and I have opportunity just like anyone else. Even when the marriage was at it's worst, and I was so lonely and not having needs met, out of respect for my marriage and my H, I made sure that I didn't put myself in positions where I would be even tempted. It would be very difficult for me to even get past the trust issue if my spouse had been in a job like your wife is, and she wasn't able to see that maybe a career change would be in order to protect your marriage and your family.

 

I am also dealing with this in my own marriage, and it's very, very hard. I still hurt so deeply, and I hope that someday the trust issues will not be there, but right now I just have that awful feeling in my gut that it's still going on...even though I don' t have any proof of that right now.

 

The other thing that I struggle with is how once your spouse has violated the marriage like this, and let another person into the sacred space that was both of yours alone, it just seems like they are never the same...like they kill the love they had for you, (if they ever loved you to begin with, and I struggle with this, too...since for me loving my spouse means I could never hurt them in this way).

 

My heart is just broken especially knowing that my husband has allowed this other person into his heart, and that because of that, there is such a disconnect now between us and it doesn't seem to be going away.

 

I don't really have any advice as far as telling you what you should or shouldn't do, as I am also struggling with all of this myself, but I hope things get better for you, and for all of us struggling with this truly awful experience.

 

I never in a million years expected this to happen, and I truly have loved my husband with all of my heart and soul. I am human, just like anyone else, but because I LOVED my spouse, even when things have been bad between us, I controlled myself. I don't feel like that makes me better than him, or that I have some kind of moral high ground, I just feel disgusted and sad that he couldn't have respected and loved me in the same way. It makes me wonder if he will do it again, and I have no idea, no matter how much he tells me he loves me and would never do that...how to get over the feeling that yes, he would. I think something inside of him gave him permission to violate me, and violate our marriage in such a truly awful way...it feels like soul rape.

 

How do you ever trust again after something like this. How do you ever truly feel safe and believe them ever again...I really don't know.

 

There are many different reasons someone would remain in the marriage even after something like this, it seems so easy when you are not in it...and sometimes it is simple. For me, and it sounds like for you, also, it just is not an easy decision at all. I know deep inside of my heart that I probably should leave, because I just have a very deep nagging feeling that his man cannot be honest with me, he chooses to keep his deepest thoughts and feelings secret, and live a duplicitous life...and I can't understand that because I am the opposite.

 

I am an open book. I am real, loyal, honest, and I share my truth with him. Up to the point where he cheated, I thought he was that way with me, too. Now I know what he is capable of, and I know that he didn't care that he was destroying me. Somehow I'm supposed to believe that he magically has become a person who does not have the obvious flaw in his character that has allowed him to act out in this way, and I have no idea how to heal, how to get over this, and how to be ok.

 

What I'm doing, is just putting one foot in front of the other and trying very hard to separate my emotions from my logic, and take action to protect myself no matter how much he claims to love me. I will not go through this again, and so I am taking the steps that I need to so that I can emotionally detach and regain my own belief in myself that I am worth more than how I feel in this relationship. It may seem like by detaching, I am dooming any reconciliation to fail, but I don't mean that I am putting walls up, or refusing to love, or be kind, etc. What I mean by that, is that for all of this time that I have operated from "we" thinking, and not done anything unless I thought through how it would affect "us" , I am starting to take better care of myself, and consider that he has been thinking of "him" not "we" for many years now, while I've continued to be in this "we" state of being, (which is how it should be when you're married, but it is so dangerous when you are the only one thinking that way). When he starts to show me that he is putting the relationship before his own selfish desires, when he shows me, (without me asking him to), that this marriage means something to him, and he shows me that he will do everything he can to PROTECT IT, then I will feel safe enough to go back to that thinking. Maybe this will help you begin to protect yourself in case she decides to continue her betrayal of you.

 

It is very hard, and I find myself really struggling with self-care, and protecting myself now that I know he will not. I think in many respects we really should never have "blind trust" for anyone, and that is what I've had for my spouse. I think I have loved him so deeply, that I never even considered any of this as a possibility, and because of that, I have been traumatized so badly that I am struggling very much to recover.

 

Watching him seemingly very unaffected has made me open my eyes and wake up from the fantasy that we had a solid marriage, and that my spouse was someone that I could trust with my heart and my life. I am sharing this so that you know that others are also going through similar things, and I truly wish you the best. It is so terrible to go through this pain, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

I also struggle with leaving because of what I experienced as a child, I do not want my children to go through a divorce, and I hate that he didn't care about them enough to control himself, too. It makes it difficult to ever see him the same, and that's been another very difficult part of this.

 

I now question every single thing. I question whether any of this was real, if he's able to put on an act like this with me, then what IS real? It's just messed me up so badly and I feel for you. I read your post and I wish somehow I could give you some kind of hope that no matter what happens, you will be ok. You know why? Because YOU are an honest, decent, man who honors their commitments and promises.

 

You didn't deserve this, and it's not about you. It is about her and her own issues. Sure, there are probably problems in your marriage, but what marriage doesn't have problems. It was her responsibility to come to you and talk to you about whatever was going on with her. That is the issue I am still struggling with in my relationship. If he couldn't/wouldn't talk to me and still seems to be distant and shut off...I can only assume he is still harboring secrets, and I can expect more of the same.

 

I am not ready to leave yet, but I am starting to think about what leaving would mean for me, and take steps to get over my fear of the unknown...because living with someone that can treat another human being with such a disgusting lack of even basic decency...I am really struggling to understand how that can be love. I wish you the best.

[jenkins95]

Absolutely amazing post TiredOfLies. You have me in tears here. I am a former cheater and I see much of my own story in your post. My wife has always been an open book, and I now see that that is such a wonderful gift to give to your spouse. I, on the other hand, tend to be secretive and bottle up my problems. This must be very frustrating for a spouse. I ended up having an affair (my story is here). I cheated on this wonderful woman who gave me her heart and soul, would never do this to me and never believed I could do this to her. I almost can't believe it happened, but it did.

 

I feel such shame and remorse. I am writing this at 5am unable to sleep, with tears running down my cheeks - that in itself says something! My family are sleeping close by which gives me such comfort, although I feel I don't really deserve them after what I did.

 

Every wayward and former wayward spouse should read this amazing post. You and the OP sound like such beautiful, pure, honest, open people. As is my wife. It's not fair that you should be treated with such disrespect. Life is so unfair sometimes. I truly wish you nothing but the best and pray that your wayward spouses learn to fully appreciate what they've done and spend the rest of their lives cherishing, protecting you and showing you how lucky they are to have such a wonderful spouse who they once so hurt and took for granted.

 

You've humbled me with this post - thank you so much for sharing your story. I've got everything crossed for you. I hope your H and the OP's wife fully wake up to what they've done as I have. It's taken me months to fully appreciate the damage I've caused and I try to show my wife every moment now how sorry I am how lucky I am. I really hope your spouses do the same.

Edited June 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted quote of entire previous post. ~JC

[Nirbhao.Nirvair]

Stockholm Syndrome!!!

 

 

Even the few details that you have presented here about your ordeal screams Stockholm Syndrome.

 

 

Your wife is abusing you emotionally. The victim - you - know full well that you are being abused. She throws occasional breadcrumbs, out of pity probably or out of a need for self-preservation. Those breadcrumbs make you like "parts of her" and you are "attracted to her", because you want to see her as "not all bad".

 

 

Dude...Trust me here on this. Get yourself evaluated by a medical professional. There is something very wrong here and unless you break free of whatever condition that you are in you are in for a long period of abuse.

 

 

Your wife is a sociopath herself. Funny that she thinks her AP is the only sociopath here, while she knowingly abuses you with impunity for her own benefit.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Nirbhao.Nirvair
removed parantheses

[Mr Blunt]

1yearDD

That she somehow wants me to be like her AP.

Ouch!!!..........that hurt all the way through the bone!

 

You have three young children, you are still somewhat emotionally co-dependent on your wife, and a divorce would hurt you financially and you would probably lose living with your children for 50% of their childhood. That is what has got you in a trap and I can understand why you are not divorced right now.Is there any way that you can get a post-nup in your favor right now?

 

 

I really feel for you as you are trapped into a situation that no matter which way you go you are going to be hurting. If I were you and decided not to get out of your marriage then I would make a long range plan that would take years. That plan would be that I would take actions so that your financial situation in the future would be much better than it would be if you divorced now. Also, I would be doing everything that I could to become more self-sufficient emotionally from your wife. I know you may not be able to be completely emotional free from your betraying wife but you can get in a lot better condition than you are now. This plan will take years to accomplish but you have not even lived half your life so you have time to do this plan.

 

You may even have to wait until your children are old enough to choose which parent they want to live with so build a very strong relationship with your children. I am not saying you do not have a strong relationship with your children but make sure you maintain that relationship or make it even better.

 

I suggest the above because by what you wrote I do not think that you will ever be number one with your wife; in fact I doubt that you will even be number two. She is very prone to go with any man that will feed all the aspects of her likes and ego and she is extremely selfish. In other words I do not think that she will change much and I do not believe that you alone can make this marriage good.

 

You have taken a horrible beating from her but are somewhat trapped right now. If she ever gets into another affair, use that to get legal papers so that you can get yourself in much better shape financially and as much custody of the children as you can. When a selfish person is in an affair they usually are in a fantasy fog and want complete freedom to live with their fantasy. Use that to your advantage.

[road]

How are we militant?

 

In General

 

The unending chorus of divorce the WS. Trumps advice on how to fight

an affair and reasons to and steps to take recovery.

Edited June 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote of entire previous post. ~JC

[Cephalopod]

Your wife sounds lik a typical self-worshipping, entitled, narcissistic snowflake who only cares about her own desires. Screw her husband and kids. Even public humiliation didn't phase her.

 

If you don't leave this situation you will live to hate yourself one day. That is far worse than hating her.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm the bw of a remorseful wh. His affair was with an employee, and it gutted me. He has read every book, he's searched out therapists for him and for us, and he moved me and the kids 1000 miles away. I was leaving the city regardless, he had to decide if he was coming or not.

 

He wanted me to have whatever I needed in order to reconcile. The mow was after his money and clout too, but was too ignorant to see that half of it - at least - was mine, and swooping in to have a piece of what I had spent almost 30 yrs building wasn't going to work. Or that she'd have to pay alimony to her bh and support her 4 kids. It was bad affair math on her part. They didn't love each other, but she was looking for an $$$ exit from her marriage and wanted my wh to divorce me so she would always have a job and a share in the company. But she was a serial cheater, not good partner material.

 

I exposed them both, and he became a punchline in the industry. He owned it all, and didn't care who I told. I gave the other husband every email and detail, and was never asked not to. He's held himself accountable to our kids and our friends. He's cut ties with anyone who is not a friend of the marriage. That includes his mother, who also got her ego stroked by the ow, and fell for it. The relocation, the accountability, thetransparency - it's made his own life better. After so long being a nasty lying tool, he's living authentically. Removing idiots from his life has made his business better; things went downhill when he brought people into our work life who I thought were scummy and liars. It caused a huge rift for us, but I warned him, and our friends warned him, and he chose not to listen, got mad, and tada, in comes the the ow to tell him he's awesome no matter what. And it all went downhill so fast, he's still cleaning up legal messes he got into with shady people, all the while she stupidly blew sunshine up his butt. She benefitted from him losing everything. So gross. It's a work in progress, he has a lot of things to rebuild with the kids who were devastated and disgusted with him.

 

Your wife should be bending over backwards for you if she wants this to work. Anything less is unacceptable. Reconciling is hard enough when the cheater does things right. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. A year out, I was on the fence still, but wh was not. Forget marriage counselling, you need to get individual therapy to benefit you. Mc will never work if one party is mooning over another man or lying. I've been there too. Good luck.

[lolablue17]

Let's start with essence of your testimony: you feel like *****! You're unhappy, you're miserable, and trapped. This is all that matters.

 

You feel bad because you know she's stepping all over your. you feel bad because you know you're humiliated by her. You feel bad because you know that her lack of remorse and guilt, makes you a doormat and you hate being a doormat (who does?). You feel bad because you know she might do it again with another man who will 'know' how to talk to her.

 

And the most important thing: You feel bad because you know you're not doing the right thing. You know you should react differently, start to respect yourself, because now you don't, and neither is she. How do you expect her to respect you when she notices you don't respect yourself?

 

I would suggest a quick divorce.

 

If you still want to be with her, I would recommend to serve for divorce. When she gets the divorce paper, this is a better status to start the negotiation. Now, she knows you're a coward, so she allow herself to walk on you. When she sees the papers, she will understand that you're serious, so she might be willing to do some changes.

[sandylee1]

Every day you stay in the marriage, will chip a little more of your self esteem away.

 

You have a wife who happily cheated and shows no remorse. She just wants you to STFU and follow her lead and dance to her tune.

 

It doesn't sound like she feared you leaving for one minute,which just leads to complacency.

 

I also reckon she'll have another affair and she'll face knowing that you aren't going anywhere.

 

When you care more... You become the weak one.

 

He who cares least, holds the most power.

 

That isn't you.

 

You have one life... Do you want to spend it being married to an unremorseful woman, who is happy to be another man's sex toy?

 

Because that's exactly what she was... Doing all kinds of of sex acts for him, which in her eyes, you aren't worthy of, because you don't complement her.

 

She'll bend over backwards to please her AP, but not her husband and father of her 3 children!

 

Let that sink in and think about whether you'd want your sons to have a wife like her. To break their hearts, as she's done to you, without giving a damn.

 

Absolute Bull. You need to start seeing her for who she is. A double betrayer

 

Bide your time if you will, but I'd be pushing my son/brother to leave a wife like this in a heartbeat.

 

You deserve better than her and you'll only get better results when you believe in yourself.

[WilyWill]

You really want to spend the rest of your life looking at this remorseless excuse for a wife? This narcissist who can think only of her self and can't be bothered to apologize? The wh0re who's worried more about her social standing than your heart?

 

You've got a chance to start a whole new life away from her, with a real woman. How bad can your financial situation be, post divorce, if you're making 6 figures and she's got an income from training?

 

At the very least, you should file today. If you change your mind along the way, you can always stop the divorce. But honestly, I think divorce will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

[Bryanp]

You deserve so much better than this. If the roles were reversed would she be acting so passive as you have been? She may be attractive on the outside but she comes across as quite ugly in the inside.

 

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes how how much disrespect she has for you and your relationship. Currently right now you are the door prize.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Lots of child like theatrics in our arguments. Empty threats from both sides. Rarely calm discussions about what happened.

 

Ok... what does that say to you? What do you think of her actions and attitude toward this?

[aliveagain]

My view and feelings about the affair have changed from week to week. I am currently quite pessimistic about our chances of R. I don't believe I can be happy with her knowing how uncaring and selfish she was and given who her AP was. There are constant reminders of the affair/AP scattered around the city and our neighbourhood. I don't believe she feels bad about the affair only just getting caught. I think my wife has what I call 'affair complex' where a WS returns to the marriage and superimposes 'the good things of the affair' upon the recovering marital relationship. You can imagine what that does to my self esteem. That she somehow wants me to be like her AP.

 

Why don't I leave? Because my emotions change from day to day. Because my lifestyle would be affected dramatically. Because I do like parts of my wife. Because she has been trying. Because I am afraid to be alone. Because my kids would be affected (my parents divorced when I was young and my experience growing up was not a good one, even under the best of conditions). Because I can't get away from my wife even if we divorce, she will always be there due to the kids, spousal support.

 

Yeah this sucks.

 

These are all great excuses but their still excuses. Trying to impose restrictions on her a year after confrontation is close to impossible if you haven't already done so. Your at your strongest at time of confrontation, that is when you impose your boundaries and the consequences for breaking them. When you blew up their affair you put O/M in a position where if he wants to continue the relationship with your wife he had to put up, he had to commit to take over all of your responsibilities for her. That didn't happen, which means he wasn't as emotionally attached to her as she was to him. Guess what her second best choice is, if she can't have him maybe she can change you to be like him.

 

Remember, when wives cheat they tend to cheat because they are emotionally attached to their A/P. Their affair partners tend to be people in their social group, friends, co-workers, clients and they are more often to cheat with a man who has more status and resources then their husbands. That's what the stats say anyway. I think she was a lot more attached to her affair partner then she lets on. I don't think she expected him to drop her like that. I think your starting to come to the realization of what you really got when she came back to you. I think you have doubts about why she came back because she isn't doing the work to justify the value you put on her. What do you want to do?

[1yearDD]

Thank you for answering my questions.

 

I have another one that is probably more important than anything else....what do you want?

 

Do you want to reconcile? or are you looking for reasons to just end it and divorce?

 

I believe I want to Reconcile.

[1yearDD]

So many adultery posts echo the themes in your marriage. I am familiar with threads that could be your's. Understand regardless if you did post another thread about a year ago on another thread much of the advise you will receive here will be the same. Reality says: gravity cannot be reasoned with, you jump of a five story building onto a cement sidewalk-splat will always result.

 

Having said that I think you should be grateful she is getting more honest. I am sure you got a lot of TT and are still experiencing Blame-shifting. As long as she is shifting blame the marriage is really not in reconciliation.

 

I find it odd you comment the sex is great. Is she as fully involved sexually with you as with him?

 

Yes I believe she is as involved, although it took some work. I have told her I want more than what she gave to AP, which is the contentious issue.

[harrybrown]

She does not seem to be sorry.

 

She needs to quit at the gym.

 

Too easy for her to have another A.

 

How would she feel if you had an A? Is that okay with her?

 

Did you have her get tested for stds?

 

Does not seem like she is remorseful.

 

File for D.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I believe I want to Reconcile.

 

Then if you beleive that is what you want...you have to work toward that.

It really doesn't then matter what anyone else thinks. I cannot project onto you what i think you should do.

 

It sounds like you might need to ask her what she really wants....because you cannot reconcile by yourself. If she also wants to reconcile....then she has to pull her weight. You cannot do it all.

 

There are many people here who have been in sucessful reconcilation for a long time. None of us has done a perfect job...and hopefully you can acheive success and learn from our mistakes.

 

It is beleived that in order to achieve reconciliation....She has to become transparent....that means you NEED to know everything...evreything about her affair...all of her passwords....all of her accounts...her itenerary....EVERYTHING. There can be no secrets of any kind.

 

She needs to put very strict boundaries in place that YOU are comfortable with.

 

She needs to go to therapy to figure out why it was ok with her to cheat. The two of you need to also go to therapy together to help you to communicate....and work on issues within the marriage.

 

this is going to require a lot of work...there are no shortcuts.

 

You need to go speak to a lawyer...find out all of your rights and the things that will be required of you should you divorce....and she needs to KNOW that you have seen a lawyer. Not as a threat....but to let her know you are serious about this.

 

Now...if you are satisfied with your relationship exactly the way it is...then you dont have to do anything. But if you want change...you are going to have to DO SOMETHING about.

 

I believe in the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. It helped us tremendously.

 

You can down load it free on line...it is 95 pages. Read it....and tell her to read it...and the two of you need to sit down and discuss it.

 

You need to tell her what you need for healing...and she needs to understand that if she is not willing to help you...you are finished.

 

You have allowed her to do whatever she wants....you have not required anything from her....so she may buck you on this. You need to be firm and make it very clear exactly what you expect.

 

Again...this is your choice. If you want reconciliation...she has to help you.

 

I truly wish you the very best of luck. I hope she will help you....becasue i do beleive you truly want her.

[Cephalopod]

Yes I believe she is as involved, although it took some work. I have told her I want more than what she gave to AP, which is the contentious issue.

 

Have you asked her if she has lost her sexual attraction to you?

[GoldenR]

Ok, you want to R. But you can't do it by yourself. And as Mrs JA said (might have been in this thread), you can't will her to R with you. It sounds like you're doing all the work. And she goes on with life as normal doing zero to help you get thru this traumatizing bull**** that she put you thru.

 

Unless she starts putting the required effort into R, you're basically in a one sided, miserable marriage.

[1yearDD]

Your wife sounds lik a typical self-worshipping, entitled, narcissistic snowflake who only cares about her own desires. Screw her husband and kids. Even public humiliation didn't phase her.

 

If you don't leave this situation you will live to hate yourself one day. That is far worse than hating her.

 

 

Yeah, I am embarrassed to admit that I knew the AP's wife was spreading the news of the affair before my wife. My best friends sister does my wife's classes and heard the story from the AP's wife just before her fitness class started. She texted my best friend to tell him the news who called me in shock thinking I may not know the story. I of course knew the story but not that it was going to be spread throughout my wife's work place. I texted my wife to warn her that the AP's wife was at the gym and telling everyone about the affair. I asked her if she needed some support and she said yes. I went and worked out at the gym waiting for the class to end. I remember my wife texting me saying she was done and to meet her in a particular place. As I approached, I saw she was in a deep conversation with one of her friends. It was clear she was offering an explanation to the friend for the affair. My wife then turned to me to introduce the friend to me, as one would do in a normal everyday social situation. I have never felt more shame than in that moment. What an idiot I looked like. I now see I should have let my wife fend for herself.

 

I don't understand how she shows her face at the gym, without some shame.

[1yearDD]

She does not seem to be sorry.

 

She needs to quit at the gym.

 

Too easy for her to have another A.

 

How would she feel if you had an A? Is that okay with her?

 

Did you have her get tested for stds?

 

Does not seem like she is remorseful.

 

File for D.

 

She has said that she can't stop me from having an affair, given what she did. Yes I forced her to get an STD test. No she does come across as remorseful.

[1yearDD]

Have you asked her if she has lost her sexual attraction to you?

 

No she has not. I can tell and she has said as much.

[GoldenR]

No she does come across as remorseful.

 

If she hasn't voluntarily left her job, no....no she doesn't.

[Cephalopod]

No she has not. I can tell and she has said as much.

 

Then I don't get why she is against being sexually open with you. Have you broached this issue with a MC?

 

 

This would be impossible for me to get past as a husband. Does she understand this sex issue is a huge stumbling block in your reconciliation?