Can I save my marriage?

[lostinnv]

We've been married for 20 years. I thought we had overall a really good marriage. Problems like most people had. This past year had been rough, his company made him transfer out of state, we had to move without selling out house. So financial issues, just a lot on our plates. His job was a lot more complicated, he was stressed. He started pulling away from me and acting more distanced I'd say in December.

 

Come Feb. he was acting really weird one night, he had to stay in a motel for the night to meet a delivery truck about an hour away from our house for a customer having issues. I decided to check his cell phone records for the heck of it. Turns out he was having an affair with his employee. Yes, his employee was also meeting him at that customer that night. He claims she did not stay at the motel with him. He claims it was only a lot of talking and kissing.

 

Within a few weeks it was over, he didn't love me anymore and he had my son and I packed up and moved back home 3 hours away. Nothing has changed since then. He still claims to have no feelings for me. Wants a divorce once I can secure myself with income and health insurance. I am devastated. I had no idea he felt this way. Never saw this coming. I want to save my marriage, I feel like he's had some midlife crisis or something. Talking to him, asking for counseling, nothing works. He says he isn't with this girl, he just doesn't want me. I'm heartbroken. I have health issues, and it's hard for me to work but I am. I've done everything the wants me to do, and he's just cruel. What do I do? Do I just stop talking to him and give him space for several months? Will he ever come out of this? Am I just being played for a fool? I've seen my doctor, I'm being treated for severe depression.

[d0nnivain]

Sadly because there is another woman in the picture, you have to let go of him. For his cruelty & infidelity getting rid of him is for the best even though it feels like your whole world is upside down.

 

 

Get a good lawyer & a good therapist. Consider joining a divorce support group.

 

 

Surround yourself with supportive & understanding friends & family. Be strong for your son.

 

 

{{hugs}}

[somanymistakes]

It's horrible and painful and it's going to take you a while to recover. Don't beat yourself up about having trouble for a while, it's not because there's anything wrong with you. Find friends and a support group to lean on, people who are not connected to him in any way.

 

It doesn't sound like this is just about the infidelity. He wants out, he's done. He may have been only using her as a tool to show you that it was over. Sure, it's possible that midlife issues are affecting him, but that does not mean it's something that he'll just get over. Sometimes people change and stay changed forever. He will never again be the husband you thought you had. You need to make plans to take care of yourself and your son, not to try and save your marriage.

 

I'm sorry.

[reboot]

You can't save it by yourself.

[BaileyB]

Sadly, you must let go and develop a plan to be on your own.

 

One person alone, can not save a marriage and he has clearly decided, that he is done.

[BluesPower]

I am sorry that you are here...

 

When a man gets to this point, you should know that in most cases, he is done. Not a guarantee but it is usually the case.

 

The other thing you should know is that he is lying to you about everything. He is having an affair with this other woman and he has been. That is almost a 100% fact.

 

The only way that you have any chance is to file for divorce ASAP and have him served. It may wake him up when he figures out how much it will cost him. Also, if he has been the main breadwinner then he will have to pay you alimony and child support if your child is still young enough.

 

The affair may fizzle out when they are able to be together more, like now because he sent you guys back to the old homestead. And he may think twice when he gets the Divorce papers.

 

Then you institute the 180 and don't talk to him about anything. You talk to him about only business about the divorce.

 

All of this may seem counter intuitive to getting your marriage back, and it may not work. But it is the only ammo that you have to fight with. You have to be strong and let him know that you will not allow him to walk on you.

 

Those are the basics. But I have some general questions for you. How old are you guys, I am guessing 40-45? How was your sex life, was it active or had it gotten stale? Was it non-existent?

 

Did you guys argue a lot? What was the relationship like between the two of you?

 

Hang in their. Even if the worst happens, you will live through it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lost, sorry to see you in the situation that you find yourself in. It is quite tragic. I think Blues Power has got it right. As they say "No use crying over spilt milk". My only question to you is whether this did actually come as a complete shock to you or did you sense things were going astray for a while in your marriage? Women are much more intuitive than men and can sense when things are going awry much earlier than men. Perhaps you did sense things were off but chose to close your eyes to them. I can understand that twenty years is a long time and a lot of history has been made between you two. However, the suddenness with which your husband has ended things with you indicates that things must have been festering in his mind for quite some time.

 

Blues asked you some questions the answers of which will help the folk on here to offer better advice. Ate you qualified to work in the Corporate or other avenues for employment? Have you worked at all during your married life or been a SAHW/M? Do you have family support where you live? If you are to get training or retraining to get employment how do you propose to do so? This is a question you need to ponder on. Your best bet now would be to file for divorce and have your husband served. That would bring home the implications of his poor choices right on his head. That may just be the wake up call he needs to get his feet back on the ground. Warm wishes.

[mikeylo]

Marriage is about 2 people. He has checked out, other woman or not. You alone can't do anything. Sorry !

[lostinnv]

Thanks for all of your advice. To answer some of your questions. I knew we were going through a rough couple of years. It was hard for me to pin point exactly if it was also our marriage. He lost his favorite grandma last year (she was 97). He had been in limbo with his job for the last 3 years, he had to reapply in another state and last minute he found out he got the job and we had to pick up and move. Couldn't sell the house here that fast, so we had $1000 mortgage plus the rental house there $1850. He took on a lot more responsibility on the job. It was all very stressful on him. We lost two dogs that we had for years. It just seemed like it was one thing after another. So it all also was putting a strain on our marriage. He was hardly home with the new job, becoming more and more distant.

 

As for arguments, we had our share. He always had more women friends then guy friends. It was always something we fought about over the years. It would usually lead to him sharing marital issues with them instead of me (which is how this affair started).

 

I stayed at home raising our son (he's 19 now). Seems like maybe he waited until he became of age to leave? I also have Crohn's disease which makes it hard to work. But I have been working since we moved back out here. I need the money, and I need to secure health insurance for when the divorce goes through. I get $20,000 infusions every 8 weeks. He recently said I used my disease, when all I've ever done is fight this disease, it's almost killed me. He's just become so cruel. I think BluesPower is right that I need to put the 180 in place. If anything to stop him from saying such hurtful things to me.

[lostinnv]

Wanted to add that he did something sort of similar in 2010. Started talking with a woman on the other side of the country. Suddenly wasn't happy in the marriage, wanted space and time. It only lasted a few weeks though, and it was only talking and email with her.

 

Communication has ALWAYS been a problem with our marriage, and I can admit that I've felt for a very long time that I've done more then my fair share of trying to hold things together. I still didn't see this coming though. I just thought it was him being how he always was.

[PegNosePete]

Wanted to add that he did something sort of similar in 2010.

So he's done it twice -- that you know about. Ever wonder how many times he's done it that you never found out about? I would bet my bottom dollar that you only know the tip of the iceberg. Just a lot of talking and kissing, in a motel room? If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

As for arguments, we had our share.

It's my experience that whenever a poster says this (and it's a phrase very commonly used on these forums), they usually have much more than their share of arguments.

 

I stayed at home raising our son (he's 19 now). Seems like maybe he waited until he became of age to leave?

Yes, that seems likely. He's had many affairs, and probably wanted to end the marriage for a long time. But he waited until he wouldn't have to pay child support.

 

Sorry to say, this is not a man you want to be married to. He is an irreformable serial cheater. You should see a lawyer TODAY. Take all the financial details you can: both your incomes, house valuation and mortgage details, savings, debts etc. Details of your illness and how it affects you financially. Many lawyers do a free initial consultation so there's really no reason not to. Think of it as information gathering. Knowledge is power.

[lostinnv]

I don't really think we argued more then most couples do. No couple is perfect, everyone has fights, that's what I was getting at. I was admitting we were having a rough year because of a lot of changes going on with moves and jobs. Regardless, most of our arguments at the end had to do with him wanting to hang out with his "women" friends. And obviously my gut feelings were on to something. I was a good loyal wife to him, stuck by him through bad times, poor times, everything. I didn't deserve to be put out like the trash.

 

But yes, I've contacted a lawyer.

[PegNosePete]

No couple is perfect, everyone has fights, that's what I was getting at.

Absolutely. But what I am getting at is when a poster makes statements like this, their relationship usually has far more fights, and they are far more serious, than most.

 

But yes, I've contacted a lawyer.

Great. Do keep us updated, and feel free to ask any other questions you may have, whether for support or practical advice.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Can I save my marriage?

 

 

First, I'm very sorry you needed to join us here. Losing your Beloved Bride/Groom is not an easy journey.

 

But many of here faced it, and we made it through.

 

To answer your question, the answer is, unfortunately No.

 

It takes 2 to get married.

 

It takes 1 to break it.

 

My wife did all of the things your husband did --- and I held on, trying to save our relationship. Yes, she could be considered "evil" but people like your husband and my wife are just trying to enjoy life. If they REALLY wanted to hurt us, there are a thousand ways they could do it.

 

But, they just want set free to live their life the way they want to.

 

Our job is to set them free, rather than make them feel guilty or call them names like "liar, narcissist, psychopath, etc".

 

Thank him for the 20 years (same amount I shared with my wife), and let him go. It will probably take you awhile to detach but that is normal. You are like 2 trees that grew side by side, and now he wants to untangle that relationship -- it can be done, but you'll need to give ample time for it to happen.

 

Wishing you all the best in this journey.

[lostinnv]

Seriously? He's just trying to enjoy life? He cheated on me with his employee. He lied, he blamed me, he kicked me out of our house and I had to move back out of state. I should thank him for the past 20 years? He's told me to not get a lawyer because he knows I will ask for a lot less without one. I've had two licensed therapists tell me what he's been doing is emotional abuse, I've had real MD's diagnose me with severe depression. I was hoping for a little support. I appreciate honest truth, but honestly I have to wonder about some of you. Jesus. Our job is to set them free? No, my job is to look after myself for a change now. All I've done is focus on making him happy, trying to hold my family together, while he's been out making himself happy. I'll be sure to look for support elsewhere, thanks.

[reboot]

No, your job right now is to take that ahole for everything he's got. I wish you good luck on THAT. Seriously.

[thefooloftheyear]

Seriously? He's just trying to enjoy life? He cheated on me with his employee. He lied, he blamed me, he kicked me out of our house and I had to move back out of state. I should thank him for the past 20 years? He's told me to not get a lawyer because he knows I will ask for a lot less without one. I've had two licensed therapists tell me what he's been doing is emotional abuse, I've had real MD's diagnose me with severe depression. I was hoping for a little support. I appreciate honest truth, but honestly I have to wonder about some of you. Jesus. Our job is to set them free? No, my job is to look after myself for a change now. All I've done is focus on making him happy, trying to hold my family together, while he's been out making himself happy. I'll be sure to look for support elsewhere, thanks.

 

So would you have been happier if he stayed and been completely miserable?

 

Because it sounds like he was...For probably longer than you realized...

 

 

TFY