I finally admitted to my best friend how I felt about her

[abdellost]

This is the "Short version" which is long, but trust me its a lot shorter than the long version. *A little background, shes younger than me by 5 years. we became friends waaayyy before she even turned out to be this absolute beauty (she was 17 when i was 22). I am, or more like was her best friend that she would tell me things that she would never dare share with her best girl friends just because she always surprised how "well I know her" and no one else in the world knows her like i do (actual fact really lol). her dad passed away a little over a year ago and ever since then I been there every step of the way to get her through it.

 

Simply we been best friends for close to 6 years. At the time,until recently, I was in a relationship with someone for over 7 years. During our friendship with, lets call her Jen, I started to grow feelings for her. I did what any smart person loyal person does, distant myself a little so i dont go falling in love with someone I am not with. we stopped talking for awhile, then got into an argument about it then made a pact that we wont distance ourselves anymore for whatever the reason (I didnt tell her the reason why).

 

During the course of our friendship, about two years ago, I found out she liked me, or more like loves, based on her best friends. She was upset because she knew it wont ever happen and that i was with someone whom engagement was on the table for. That was an awkward time for us because for April's fool we decided to trick our friends that we told eachother how we feel (they always assumed we loved each other, even my gf the time), things got serious , the prank ended up badly with us fighting but we got past it and just moved on. A little over a year, she meets this guy and they start a relationship, then suddenly she stopped talking to me for close to 8 months, and i guessed correctly;it was because he didnt want her talking to me anymore. Anyway they broke up, she reached out to me a little while after and our friendship started again but this time stronger. She felt guilty she stopped talking to me but i told her i understood and it was her first time ever to be with someone so its always the first mistake we all make, and then she told me something she didnt tell anyone. When she was seeing the other guy, she fell for one of his friends whom showed more attention to her, etc(shes young and naive, in a good innocent way).. she told me how guilty she felt and how she felt like a horrible person. I told her it was only feelings and she didnt do anything with it so she shouldnt give yourself a hard time. So she hit with me with the “oh cmon, you dont know how it is, your a perfect guy, a perfect boyfriend to a girl, and would never know how it is”. so I told her actually no, I do know how it feels because it happened before. She asked what i meant. But then our convo was cut short because something came up and we had to leave. a few weeks later while we were talking she told me her ex was trying to reach her and meet up with her and wants to fix things up.

 

I told her, in her own words, that you werent happy and you felt suffocated. I also told her he was 7 years older than her, that even though shes 20 now and hes 27, that is messed up because he isnt letting her grow. she said well thats normal in a relationship, etc. I told her it isnt. So she says “I just wish there were more guys like you,any girl would be the most lucky girl to have you”. So I told her straight up, dont friendzone me. She asked what i meant, and I told her girls say these same things to guys to friendzone. So she tells me, no she wasnt friendzoning me, and that I ACTUALLY was the one that friendzoned her a year ago before she met that guy because she knew I found out she was in love with me and yet i distant myself. Shocked to find out she knew, I asked her “do you remember when you felt guilty about feelings for someone else while you were with that guy?, i distant myself because I was having feelings for you and I didnt want to do anything wrong. didnt want to lose you, at the same time didnt want to ruin a relationship that I was happy in”.

 

Apparently she was shocked, she asked me why i didnt tell her. I told her because it didnt matter, that she told me herself that she would rather we dont ruin our friendship and what we got, then to be together and end up not working out. She replies by saying she said that because she was putting a wall and was scared if I didnt have feelings for her and just wanted to protect herself. Then she says she knew she could never have me so she “blocked those feelings out” and ever since she blocked it out. I said i understand but here is what messes things up. She starts asking, over and over and over, if I still have the same feelings for her. I kept telling her it does not matter, why are you asking? It wont change anything and the answer to it wont make anything change. She wouldnt let it go and kept asking. I usually understand women (I have 7 sisters, and been in two long relationships, one 5 years and one close to 8 years), so i felt like she wanted me to tell her so she can “unblock those feelings”. So I told her yes, I still do. She gets all shocked and says why didnt i tell her this before, why did i have to tell her now when her ex is trying to fix things, and the other guy that she had feelings for is trying to make things serious. I told her, listen i know your confused and I dont expect anything. My feelings dont matter, what matters is our friendship. I explained to her that regardless what i feel or felt before, our friendship is all care for and dont want thing to change. I asked her why did she keep asking me that question, if I still have feelings for her? why didnt she let it go and just be happy she got an answer rather than ask me over and over if I still have feelings for her. Her answer was "she had the right to know".

 

She didnt talk to me for a good week after that, then suddenly writes me back, with the nickname she has for me ever since we became friends (so showed good signs) and goes look its been a bad few days (Friends of hers told me her and the other guy were having issues and fighting,etc) and shes sorry for not replying earlier but what i said has been stuck on her mind and she doesnt know what to do. She doesnt “want to lose me” but she doesnt want to answer my question either (I asked her to answer the same question she asked me, if she still had feelings for me as well seeing she kept asking me), she said she doesnt want to hurt me or didnt “ever want to hurt me” and she just wishes things would not change. I told her then if you want to pretend like nothing happened, we can just pretend nothing happened. she replied that she doesnt want that but if I wanted to pretend nothing happened, that I have done more tfor her than anyone in her life has ever done so, so she'll do that if its what i want.

 

its been 3 weeks and we havent talked since then. I miss her. I miss my best friend. I know her better than anyone knows her and I know she still has something but would rather not admit it. I dont know what to do.

 

For those who would ask why i never asked her out when I got single and she was single at the time, well shes 5 years younger than me, in college. I finished college and working at a government position job building a good career. I didnt want to stop her life. I didnt want to be the guy that makes her not enjoy college life like she should be, doing and being what she wants. Even when she asked me why i didnt tell her earlier, and that if I had told her earlier She would have not hesitated to admit that she was head over heels for me (her words) , I told her I wanted her to enjoy her youth, college, crushes , etc. I didnt want to be the older guy that blocks her happiness for things she wants to do (just like having a crush on a guy at her college dilemma she faced while with that other dude. But the guy she ended up having feelings for turns out to be 2 years older than I am, which pisses me off cause an older guy like that, especially on our side of the world and culture, knows that he shouldnt take advantage of someone younger like that. Im not sure if I can let her go. Even when I was in a relationship,all I thought of was this girl, and made sure she was always happy. and she knows it. she always brings it up and she knows that no one knows her like i do, not even her family. All her best friends are trying to "be on my side" but I've asked them to back off, let her make her own decision but us not speaking for 3 weeks after finally getting back to normal after all that drama, it just sucks.

 

So i guess im more like venting out than anything. I cant talk to anyone about this because sadly in our society, guys arent the ones that should be like this and should "move on and find another fish in the sea". Me, If i cant have her I at least want to part of her life like I have been in the past 6 years. Want to be the guy she calls at 3am crying when she misses her dad cause he passed away, the guy she writes to when shes on a rollercoaster and afraid to get on and needs a little confident booster. I know its my fault for waiting so long to let her know that I felt the same as she did. But this "i blocked my feelings so I dont get hurt and kept it block" a bull**** excuse? Ive asked around and usually girls tell me no its either they move on and stop having feelings for the guy or still have feelings for him but not admit it, but "blocking feelings out" just sounds like an excuse to the girls I have asked. maybe, or maybe its true.

 

Im traveling back to visit my family, she lives in the same country. I got only ten days to visit then have to be back at Langley. I dont know what I plan on

doing when i see her (both her brothers are my best friends there as well and Im always at their place hanging out when im visiting). difference is, Im usually back and forth 3 months there and then come back to the states and stay for 3 months and so on.. This time its 10 days and then a whole year without seeing my family. or seeing her. Shes the type of girl that if Hitler met her, he would have stopped his atrocity and seen the the beauty of life. Ya maybe its corny but its the truth, shes one of a kind and I dont want to lose her. Sorry for the long read/vent lol.

 

P.S. BEFORE ALLL this happened, i was working on her birthday gift. Got her a gold heart locket engraved with her dad's name and a picture of her and her dad inside the locket as well as an engrave quote he used to tell her all the time before he tells her goodnight. Its one of those things that no one else would know but me . I am not even sure if its a good idea to give it to her, dont want her to even think I meant it for another reason other than her being my best bud, because at that time I was handmaking it before any of this bs came out.

[healing light]

Oh dear lord. Please ask this girl out already. It's clear you both are in love with each other and fear is never a good reason to forgo a relationship with someone that you already have a good, solid friendship with as a foundation. I would present her with your gift on her birthday and ask her out properly. What's the use of being with other people if, in your heart, you're just going to be emotionally entangled with this woman anyway?

[abdellost]

Oh dear lord. Please ask this girl out already. It's clear you both are in love with each other and fear is never a good reason to forgo a relationship with someone that you already have a good, solid friendship with as a foundation. I would present her with your gift on her birthday and ask her out properly. What's the use of being with other people if, in your heart, you're just going to be emotionally entangled with this woman anyway?

 

Thanks for your feedback. lol and you are not the first to tell me the exact same thing. Just I guess with the age difference, even though it isnt SO big, I tend to just see her maybe confused and does not know what she wants. Me? If we can stay the same way we always have been together, even though some would call it how it is, which you just did (how it seems we are both are in love with eachother for sometime now), I would more than happy rather than having "messed it up". Anyway thank again.

Edited June 3, 2017 by abdellost