Scared of the prospect of dating again

[Nothingtolose]

My current relationship (2.5 years) has been on rocky ground for a while, and I'm unsure we're going to make it. I'm trying to prepare myself for the chance that I might be single again in the near future, and the thought of going back to the dating world quite frankly terrifies me.

 

I still love my partner, but with all the issues we've had, I sometimes wonder if I'm still fighting for the relationship not only because of love, but also because of fear that I could end up single forever otherwise. I did a lot of online dating when I was single (and also had long periods of singledom) and didn't meet anyone I really liked/clicked with, some dates were fun, but for the most part it was a waste of time, money and energy.

 

I'm female, 33, attractive but not drop dead gorgeous (I live in a city full of good looking women/lots of single women and not a lot of single men, so the competition is tough), I'll be honest and say that when I dress up and put make up on I look pretty good, but day to day I'm very laid back and can't be bothered with too much make up, super cute/sexy outfits or heels. I find the thought of having to care/worry about all that all over again very daunting.

 

On top of that, I live in a city where people are obssessed with the outdoors and adventures...most guys love to bike, hike, skii, snowboard etc here, and aside from hiking, I am not interested in any of those things. My main interests are eating out/trying new restaurants and cafes etc, exploring cool places/events in my city, music and travelling. I worry that my age won't help, and that living in a city of outdoor-obssessed people not enjoying biking or snow sports is bad, and also I dont drive/have a drivers license (all of my exes never cared about this as they always loved to drive, but i always worry it may be an issue to some guys if they like to do long road trips and share the driving with their partner, for example).

 

I'm probably overthinking/overanalyzing things, but sometimes i find myself sick with anxiety and worry about potentially facing singledom again and not meeting anyone in time to have a baby, which has always been my dream.

 

Does anyone have any advice to help me get out of this negative mindset about dating, and fear of leaving my current relationship?

Edited June 1, 2017 by Nothingtolose

[dishwater]

My current relationship (2.5 years) has been on rocky ground for a while, and I'm unsure we're going to make it. I'm trying to prepare myself for the chance that I might be single again in the near future, and the thought of going back to the dating world quite frankly terrifies me.

 

I still love my partner, but with all the issues we've had, I sometimes wonder if I'm still fighting for the relationship not only because of love, but also because of fear that I could end up single forever otherwise. I did a lot of online dating when I was single (and also had long periods of singledom) and didn't meet anyone I really liked/clicked with, some dates were fun, but for the most part it was a waste of time, money and energy.

 

I'm female, 33, attractive but not drop dead gorgeous (I live in a city full of good looking women/lots of single women and not a lot of single men, so the competition is tough), I'll be honest and say that when I dress up and put make up on I look pretty good, but day to day I'm very laid back and can't be bothered with too much make up, super cute/sexy outfits or heels. I find the thought of having to care/worry about all that all over again very daunting.

 

On top of that, I live in a city where people are obssessed with the outdoors and adventures...most guys love to bike, hike, skii, snowboard etc here, and aside from hiking, I am not interested in any of those things. My main interests are eating out/trying new restaurants and cafes etc, exploring cool places/events in my city, music and travelling. I worry that my age won't help, and that living in a city of outdoor-obssessed people not enjoying biking or snow sports is bad, and also I dont drive/have a drivers license (all of my exes never cared about this as they always loved to drive, but i always worry it may be an issue to some guys if they like to do long road trips and share the driving with their partner, for example).

 

I'm probably overthinking/overanalyzing things, but sometimes i find myself sick with anxiety and worry about potentially facing singledom again and not meeting anyone in time to have a baby, which has always been my dream.

 

Does anyone have any advice to help me get out of this negative mindset about dating, and fear of leaving my current relationship?

I think you are being too critical of yourself, even with the lack of common interests for the city you live in. There must also be guys around also not interested in those things and the competition is tough probably in main for those outdoorsy, ergo healthy, handsome guys. 2-1/2 years is nothing to be out of the dating game. No big deal about the driving; it's like you are taking a microscope and seeing only what you consider negative attributes. A lot of guys prefer no makeup and casually clothed women. You dolled up might be intimidating to the guy right for you. Be who you truly are. Be comfortable in your own skin. Sooner or later the right guy will show up. So the biological child bearing clock is ticking...I was 40 when I had my kid. I've known lots of women who had children much later. Having a kid without a good mate is the pits. You still have lots of time and need to chill out about the entire dating thing. The best part of any relationship is dating. Don't put on an act and the right person will come along.

[Nothingtolose]

Thanks dishwater, you are probably right. I think what scares me the most is that most of my friends are split into 2 categories: met the love of their life in their 20's and are now married with kids, or are now mid-thirties and still single.

 

I know very few people who met the love of their lives in their mid or late thirties and got married and had kids. I would love to hear more success stories like that

[kendahke]

 

Does anyone have any advice to help me get out of this negative mindset about dating, and fear of leaving my current relationship?

 

Anytime fear is the basis of any decision, you cannot expect a good outcome. You might want to read up on the topic of living fearlessly. Fear will cripple you, emotionally and cause you to waste your precious youth, which you can never get back.

 

If a situation isn't working for you, you can't use the excuse of "I'm afraid to be alone for the rest of my life" as your excuse for staying where you're not happy. Is the situation you're in salvageable through couple's therapy or are you just at the end of your rope with dude?

 

If the whole problem here is your fear of ending up alone forever (that won't happen unless you make that your policy), then get into activities where the likelihood of meeting guys is very high--meaning: you might want to rethink the whole "I dont' like to bike, skii, snowboard etc." thing because these days, some men are hypersensitive to women who only seem to want money spent on them early on in the dating process. Those "girlfriend" activities you mention are cool once you two have established a connection and are amenable to things progressing further, but not right off the bat. You may experience push back if the guy wants to do what he likes to do and you balk at the idea.

 

The not being able to drive thing might also be a turn off, depending upon how far away a guy lives from you and how arsed he is to doing all the driving all the time. You don't necessarily have to own a car (you can rent those smart cars or use other car hire schemes), but it doesn't hurt to have a driver's license.

 

IOW: don't put your happiness at the mercy of anyone other than yourself.

Edited June 1, 2017 by kendahke

[Nothingtolose]

If the whole problem here is your fear of ending up alone forever (that won't happen unless you make that your policy), then get into activities where the likelihood of meeting guys is very high--meaning: you might want to rethink the whole "I dont' like to bike, skii, snowboard etc." thing because these days, some men are hypersensitive to women who only seem to want money spent on them early on in the dating process. Those "girlfriend" activities you mention are cool once you two have established a connection and are amenable to things progressing further, but not right off the bat. You may experience push back if the guy wants to do what he likes to do and you balk at the idea.

 

The not being able to drive thing might also be a turn off, depending upon how far away a guy lives from you and how arsed he is to doing all the driving all the time. You don't necessarily have to own a car (you can rent those smart cars or use other car hire schemes), but it doesn't hurt to have a driver's license.

 

I do want to get my driver's license either this year or next - I have a bit of a fear of driving that I need to overcome, but I do feel like it will be worthwhile to have a license, even if I don't buy a car (I live downtown and close to everything so don't really need one).

 

With regards to biking, skiing etc, I disagree with you. Why should I force myself to do something I don't enjoy? I haven't been on a bike since I was 15 and I'd be willing to try again if the guy was super into romantic bikes around town together or whatever, but there's no way I will try skiing or snowboarding again, I hurt myself doing it when I was younger, hated the experience, and ended up on crutches for weeks as a result...I am not a sporty person (I'm clumsy and easily injure myself doing that stuff), and if a guy wants to be with me, unfortunately that's a part of my personality he will need to get used to. H can go do those things with his buddies.

 

Also, eating out and going to events/concerts etc aren't necessarily 'girlfriend' activities anymore than going skiing together would be...plus I don't want 'money spent on me' and am happy to go halves on the bills, not to mention there are plenty of activities that cost little like going for a coffee or a walk, or a picnic in the park etc.

[1fish2fish]

Maybe this is an opportunity to take some time for yourself, do the things that excite you, and get to know yourself again.

 

Dine alone, go to concerts solo, and have fun! I LOVE dining solo, especially outdoor seating so I can people watch. Inevitably, I will strike up a conversation with whoever is seated near me, and it's always good fun.

 

Channel your inner Mary Tyler Moore and have a blast!

 

It's time for you to take care of yourself and YOUR needs. I've followed your current relationship, and it sounds a little like maybe you've lost yourself in it? Possibly? I know I did with my most recent r'ship with my addict-ex.

 

As far as your timeline goes, toss it. Let whatever life has in store for you happen naturally. I thought I wanted kids, until I was 38 and still single (happily). I married at 40, too late (for me) to start a family, so instead I traveled with my H on a sailboat for a few years.

 

Make the best of where you are now in life, and don't let wanting something different rob you of living.

 

Wishing you the best of everything!!!

[newheart]

My current relationship (2.5 years) has been on rocky ground for a while, and I'm unsure we're going to make it. I'm trying to prepare myself for the chance that I might be single again in the near future, and the thought of going back to the dating world quite frankly terrifies me.

 

I still love my partner, but with all the issues we've had, I sometimes wonder if I'm still fighting for the relationship not only because of love, but also because of fear that I could end up single forever otherwise. I did a lot of online dating when I was single (and also had long periods of singledom) and didn't meet anyone I really liked/clicked with, some dates were fun, but for the most part it was a waste of time, money and energy.

 

I'm female, 33, attractive but not drop dead gorgeous (I live in a city full of good looking women/lots of single women and not a lot of single men, so the competition is tough), I'll be honest and say that when I dress up and put make up on I look pretty good, but day to day I'm very laid back and can't be bothered with too much make up, super cute/sexy outfits or heels. I find the thought of having to care/worry about all that all over again very daunting.

 

On top of that, I live in a city where people are obssessed with the outdoors and adventures...most guys love to bike, hike, skii, snowboard etc here, and aside from hiking, I am not interested in any of those things. My main interests are eating out/trying new restaurants and cafes etc, exploring cool places/events in my city, music and travelling. I worry that my age won't help, and that living in a city of outdoor-obssessed people not enjoying biking or snow sports is bad, and also I dont drive/have a drivers license (all of my exes never cared about this as they always loved to drive, but i always worry it may be an issue to some guys if they like to do long road trips and share the driving with their partner, for example).

 

I'm probably overthinking/overanalyzing things, but sometimes i find myself sick with anxiety and worry about potentially facing singledom again and not meeting anyone in time to have a baby, which has always been my dream.

 

Does anyone have any advice to help me get out of this negative mindset about dating, and fear of leaving my current relationship?

 

Hi there Nothingtolose,

 

I think there are really two separate topics here that should be taken in two different steps. It may not be productive for you to focus on fears of the future (as you've identified) while assessing your current relationship because as you say, this may be clouding your judgement. It is probably in your best interest to determine how/if you want to move forward in your current relationship, if it is worth working on because you love and value your partner and envision a future together. If not, then take some time off to be single and work on yourself, which may resolve some of the other issues fueling those fears. Good luck!!!!

[Chilli]

seems like your worrying about all the wrong things back to front..

How do you feel about your partner, that's what you've gotta work out. You say you love him, so why do you wanna leave someone you love just because it's had some tough times and your already thinking about dating when you haven't even broken up yet.

Pretty weird definition of love and very disrespectful to the person you supposedly love. You've gotta figure that out and do the right thing by him first of all.

[mae19681995]

Hi NothingtoLose,

Just hate that you are in this situation. Have either of you thought about couples counseling or individual counseling? My husband and I used it early in our marriage and was great. It got us to looking at issue more objectively. I married later in life and it has been wonderful. Focus on the positive and not on the negative. Do both of you want this relationship to work out?

[d0nnivain]

I agree. Instead of putting all this effort into fretting about being single again, work with your current partner to fix what's wrong. Find a way to date each other again.

 

 

Only if & when that fails but not before, think about what dating again will look like.

 

 

FWIW, I was 39 when I met my husband. He was 34 at the time. First time married for both of us.

[Popsicle]

I don't have single friends anymore (except a couple) and you sounds like just about every woman I know. In a relationship they don't like but too scared to get out for fear of being alone.

 

I have no advice except get your drivers license.

Edited June 4, 2017 by Popsicle

[kendahke]

With regards to biking, skiing etc, I disagree with you. Why should I force myself to do something I don't enjoy?

 

 

Ok, then don't. But don't, at the same time, complain about the dearth of men or not being able to find guys when the easiest way to find guy is to go where they can be found and by and large, that's in some form of sporting activity.

 

 

I haven't been on a bike since I was 15 and I'd be willing to try again if the guy was super into romantic bikes around town together or whatever, but there's no way I will try skiing or snowboarding again, I hurt myself doing it when I was younger, hated the experience, and ended up on crutches for weeks as a result...I am not a sporty person (I'm clumsy and easily injure myself doing that stuff), and if a guy wants to be with me, unfortunately that's a part of my personality he will need to get used to. H can go do those things with his buddies.

Don't turn a guy into a girlfriend--that will not work out well unless they're already beta. Be prepared for guys to not wanting to get used to it.

 

Also, eating out and going to events/concerts etc aren't necessarily 'girlfriend' activities anymore than going skiing together would be...plus I don't want 'money spent on me' and am happy to go halves on the bills, not to mention there are plenty of activities that cost little like going for a coffee or a walk, or a picnic in the park etc.

 

And how has this tack been working out for you?

 

In all things that succeed, balance is a must. You're going to have a long wait to find someone who exactly fits your criteria, so you will have to be fine with waiting however long, alone, until this perfect mixture of man comes your way. The older you are, the harder it is to come by them. Just be prepared.

Edited June 4, 2017 by kendahke

[Nothingtolose]

And how has this tack been working out for you?

 

In all things that succeed, balance is a must. You're going to have a long wait to find someone who exactly fits your criteria, so you will have to be fine with waiting however long, alone, until this perfect mixture of man comes your way. The older you are, the harder it is to come by them. Just be prepared.

 

How's this tack been working for me? Well I haven't been on a date with a new guy in almost 3 years (as I've been in a relationship during this time). So I'd say it's working just fine so far My current partner actually doesn't care at all for sports, and much prefers going out for a meal or a sunset picnic than skiing together (thank God). We have our issues but that isn't one of them.

 

I'm not looking for a perfect man - not sure what gave you that idea. I dont care what the guy is into - he can totally be into sports - I just dont want him to expect us to do everything together. Couples dont need to have all their interests aligned. He can do those things with his friends, I dont want a needy man who expects me to join in on every single activity he enjoys. So if he's cool with doing some things together and some things separately, I'm more than fine. I love to eat out, go to the beach, concerts, comedy shows, trips, cooking together etc. plenty that can be done.

 

For everyone else who asked about my current relationship: yes, we did try couples counselling, it got better for a while, but not long term, as he wasnt ready to really work on himself. He has an alcohol and weed problem and his finances are a mess. He's (very) slowly working on those things now but the changes just arent happening fast enough and I'm not patient enough to wait for years. Plus I want marriage and kids and he isn't entirely sure he wants to be a father.

[Erik30]

It seems like you're already checking out of the relationship if you're worried about dating, and now with your latest comment.

 

Just do the both of you a favour and end it. Don't hold on to him, basically waiting for the moment to dump the guy when you've found someone "better."

[Nothingtolose]

It seems like you're already checking out of the relationship if you're worried about dating, and now with your latest comment.

 

Just do the both of you a favour and end it. Don't hold on to him, basically waiting for the moment to dump the guy when you've found someone "better."

 

I'm not doing that at all - I'm not that type of person. I would never go on dating apps or line someone up prior to breaking up with someone to ensure I have someone to move on to. I have never done that and don't intend to. What I'm doing is being realistic and seeing that perhaps things may no longer be salvageable - in which case I may need to move on, but only AFTER we've fully ended things.

 

I know in my heart that I've tried for a long time, and I'm getting close to the end of my rope. We're living separately at the moment and giving each other time and space to work on things. I'm seeing him again on Wednesday night to have a chat - he says he still wants to work on things, so I want to see what he has to say and if there's a chance we can keep trying for a while.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm in my forties (divorced) and I have a handful of girlfriends who got married in thirties and had kids. I have a friend who got married in her early forties, but they probably won't be able to have kids (saw a specialist) and I have a friend who will be 46 when she gets married, for the first time, this fall. Probably no kids although they may adopt. I also have three friends who had babies alone (IVF/donor) over age 40.

 

Staying in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone or not having kids is really no reason to do it . (Especially the kids part....this guy doesn't sound like he'd make the ideal dad, but I just joined this site today so I don't know your whole story).

 

I'm single again in my forties and not at all worried about being alone, but I also already have children. And I know if I wanted to I could meet someone easily. I've been through enough to know it's so much better to be "alone" (I kinda hate that term because I have a full life) than to be in a relationship where you're either being treated poorly or you're in it just because you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings.

 

Breaking up is never, ever easy. It sucks and it's one of the reasons I don't know if I want to date again! I hope your talk on Wednesday goes well. It was 2 weeks ago Wednesday my ex and I had "the talk" and I'm quite happily single again <3. Hugs!

[Nothingtolose]

I'm in my forties (divorced) and I have a handful of girlfriends who got married in thirties and had kids. I have a friend who got married in her early forties, but they probably won't be able to have kids (saw a specialist) and I have a friend who will be 46 when she gets married, for the first time, this fall. Probably no kids although they may adopt. I also have three friends who had babies alone (IVF/donor) over age 40.

 

Staying in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone or not having kids is really no reason to do it . (Especially the kids part....this guy doesn't sound like he'd make the ideal dad, but I just joined this site today so I don't know your whole story).

 

I'm single again in my forties and not at all worried about being alone, but I also already have children. And I know if I wanted to I could meet someone easily. I've been through enough to know it's so much better to be "alone" (I kinda hate that term because I have a full life) than to be in a relationship where you're either being treated poorly or you're in it just because you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings.

 

Breaking up is never, ever easy. It sucks and it's one of the reasons I don't know if I want to date again! I hope your talk on Wednesday goes well. It was 2 weeks ago Wednesday my ex and I had "the talk" and I'm quite happily single again <3. Hugs!

 

Thank you so much <3 Yeah, the kids thing is such a hard one for me. Being a mother has always, always been my dream. I'd be fine never getting married in my life if it came to that, but the thought of not having at least one child breaks my heart into a million pieces. Sometimes when people tell me they are single or divorced but they have kids, I tend to think "that's not bad, at least you have kids" haha. I feel that I'd be totally fine being single and waiting for as long as it takes to meet the right man if I was already a mother, and I'm jealous of friends who don't want to have kids, because it certainly takes the pressure off.