I am depressed , 18 years of marriage and my wife is the same selfish lazy woman

[Phoenician]

I am depressed , 18 years of marriage and my wife is tsill the same selfish lazy women

 

stuck with 3 children , we barely talk , we share nothing .

 

divorce is out of the table so many reasons we cant .

she is faithful , but a passive agreesive lady who does a lot of mistakes and never admit any .

 

intimacy is okey , rare ( few times per month ) ,sometimes less but I am never satisfied ...

my fantasies are are a dream , vanilla is the dominant encounter ...

 

 

if you just want to rant post here instead of initiating in vain ....

[Cephalopod]

You teach people how to treat you. You have taught your wife that she can be a passive aggressive slug and that you will accept it.

 

Choose not to accept it anymore.

[sandylee1]

I often see your posts and say nothing, but I thought I'd say one thing this time.

 

Nothing will change while you continue on the same path.

 

I suggest you you find outside interests to keep you busy and take your focus off your wife.

 

Mirror her selfishness and invest time in yourself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am depressed , 18 years of marriage and my wife is tsill the same selfish lazy women

 

stuck with 3 children , we barely talk , we share nothing .

 

divorce is out of the table so many reasons we cant .

she is faithful , but a passive agreesive lady who does a lot of mistakes and never admit any .

 

intimacy is okey , rare ( few times per month ) ,sometimes less but I am never satisfied ...

my fantasies are are a dream , vanilla is the dominant encounter ...

 

 

if you just want to rant post here instead of initiating in vain ....

 

This breaks my heart....life is so short...and has so much to offer. It must be awful to just exist with another person....to not have intimacy...to not share respect....to not enjoy being together.

 

I take for granted how very lucky i am...I truly love my husband and enjoy being with him. It would make me so sad if i thought he felt as you do about me.

 

Have you guys gone to therapy? Have you read any books together and discussed your goals and ypur dreams?

 

DO you think the existance you have is transmitted to your children? Are you teaching them to just accept instead of fighting for what they really want?

 

Are you willing to fight for something better? or have you resolved yourself to this....does change require too much work?

[basil67]

You knew she was lazy and selfish when you met her. Did you expect her to change?

[NTV]

It sounds like you are looking for someone else.

[Phoenician]

I often see your posts and say nothing, but I thought I'd say one thing this time.

 

Nothing will change while you continue on the same path.

 

I suggest you you find outside interests to keep you busy and take your focus off your wife.

 

Mirror her selfishness and invest time in yourself.

 

I respected vows for 15 years , and even when attempted to cheat I couldn't .

 

I love my family , I used to love her , now I don't , I feel pitty for her .

 

 

the maximum I was able to do in the last three years was having some friends , hanging around once per week , dancing or having a decent nice time in a cafe.

 

I failed to be selfish .

[Phoenician]

This breaks my heart....life is so short...and has so much to offer. It must be awful to just exist with another person....to not have intimacy...to not share respect....to not enjoy being together.

-very true

 

I take for granted how very lucky i am...I truly love my husband and enjoy being with him. It would make me so sad if i thought he felt as you do about me.

 

-God bless you and your family .

 

Have you guys gone to therapy? Have you read any books together and discussed your goals and ypur dreams?

 

-She refused and refused and refused , I went alone .

 

DO you think the existance you have is transmitted to your children? Are you teaching them to just accept instead of fighting for what they really want?

 

-It is not affecting them,

the only thing I succeeded in is forcing that rule on Both of us : if we want to rage let's do it outside home .The eldest knows deep inside that things are wrong but they are immune now .They avoid her and come to me when they feel that she will not support ;still they are smart enough and drag her leg to enjoy some time with her like shopping or going to her family .

 

Are you willing to fight for something better? or have you resolved yourself to this....does change require too much work?

 

I tried everything ,now all what I am looking for is to survive until my youngest boy becomes more immune , and my girls graduate.

[Phoenician]

You knew she was lazy and selfish when you met her. Did you expect her to change?

 

I knew it after we got married , truth come to surface after first child , after 2 years of marriage.

[Phoenician]

It sounds like you are looking for someone else.

 

yes of course , after my kids graduate in 6 years !

[Mrs. John Adams]

Maybe you should continue in therapy. It at least gives you an outlet and i feel your frustration.

 

I am really sorry you find yourself in this situation.

[Phoenician]

thanks dear ,

 

I will go IC starting tommorrow ,

 

It will be a tough period next ....

[Cephalopod]

So what are you going to do? Stay with the status quo or start forging a new path in your life? Hopefully without her....

[sandylee1]

This is a poor example of marriage for your children.

 

I hope they don't think this is normal and end up in the same position as you.

 

I know a few people who saw really crap marriages that their parents has. In one family they had three sons, who have all the married and divorced. Their father was a serial cheat.

 

With another set of now grown up kids, one told his mum she had a sham of a marriage.

 

She came crying and saying she was insulted by him and she'd stayed with their dad because of them.

 

Every time I see his FB posts, it has question like

 

"how do you know it's love" or "what's the point of marriage". "can you really be happy in a marriage forever"

Always negative stuff and it's down to the home he was raised in.

 

Shift your focus for the next 6 years, but you know life is unpredictable. Who knows what could happen in the interim.

 

You wanting your children to become immune to the state of your marriage is awful really.

 

I try not to be harsh or to offend on here, but would you be happy in years to come when they say, they knew there was no love and prayed to never have a marriage like yours?

 

YOLO.

[live2ndin]

I am a big believer in small changes that make a big and lasting impact. It is easy to change small things, a little at a time, and those small things start adding up to big lasting impact. You start with love, and if you mix that with leading by example you could move mountains. What could you do to change one thing that would show your wife a bit more love than you did yesterday? Have you made her a cup of coffee or tea our of the blue?

 

Here's to a better today!

[LargoLagg]

that you married?

[Phoenician]

This is a poor example of marriage for your children.

 

I hope they don't think this is normal and end up in the same position as you.

 

I know a few people who saw really crap marriages that their parents has. In one family they had three sons, who have all the married and divorced. Their father was a serial cheat.

 

With another set of now grown up kids, one told his mum she had a sham of a marriage.

 

She came crying and saying she was insulted by him and she'd stayed with their dad because of them.

 

Every time I see his FB posts, it has question like

 

"how do you know it's love" or "what's the point of marriage". "can you really be happy in a marriage forever"

Always negative stuff and it's down to the home he was raised in.

 

Shift your focus for the next 6 years, but you know life is unpredictable. Who knows what could happen in the interim.

 

You wanting your children to become immune to the state of your marriage is awful really.

 

I try not to be harsh or to offend on here, but would you be happy in years to come when they say, they knew there was no love and prayed to never have a marriage like yours?

 

YOLO.

 

 

sandy , i stayed in this rotten marriage until my kids understand life (at least 2 of them ) ,and sacrificed a lot so that they love their mom though she is what she is . theye already know long back the situation and will pray not to have a marriage like ours.

 

The positive part is that they are learning to be positive ; to compromise but not give up, to fight in a rational way yet be clever not to be borderline.

 

with my approach , instead of hating their mom or me, they know that she is a mentally sick person , and they don't hate her , some times they help her even or put pressure on her to stop raging .

 

do you want me to leave a child or a teen with such a person ?

my presence is important at this stage , i still have one kid to go.

 

 

best

[Phoenician]

I am a big believer in small changes that make a big and lasting impact. It is easy to change small things, a little at a time, and those small things start adding up to big lasting impact. You start with love, and if you mix that with leading by example you could move mountains. What could you do to change one thing that would show your wife a bit more love than you did yesterday? Have you made her a cup of coffee or tea our of the blue?

 

Here's to a better today!

 

already tried that ...

 

for 15 years .

[MidwestUSA]

You've been here a couple of years, complaining about your wife. You started this thread, calling her selfish and lazy, now you're saying she's mentally sick.

 

So, in all of these years, have either of you sought treatment?

[Phoenician]

You've been here a couple of years, complaining about your wife. You started this thread, calling her selfish and lazy, now you're saying she's mentally sick.

 

So, in all of these years, have either of you sought treatment?

 

Yes ranting all the time here ,

 

I went for IC as she refused all forms : IC,MC,Etc

 

I failed to achieve anything in IC because it needs 2 to fix a partnership .

 

Now I have started again IC but the goal is different now :

 

How top survive this abusive relationship as I can't leave .

[Els]

Out of curiosity, how did a genuinely selfish and lazy woman raise 3 kids? DID she raise them well, or did she neglect them and you ended up having to parent on your own? If she did raise them reasonably well, I doubt the issue here is her laziness.

[carhill]

IMO, give the IC a solid year. See where you are then. A good psych can dx for depression and refer out to a MD as needed. You'll make it. You have three good reasons to. Stay focused.

[live2ndin]

already tried that ...

 

for 15 years .

 

I admire your strength and commitment, many people would have given up a long time ago. Marriage certainly isn't easy, and it wasn't designed to be. It will test you and bring out your worst, and best qualities. I know of a few long term 30+ year marriages that are not always pretty at times when you know what goes on behind closed doors, but I think more young marriages should be looking to mature marriages like yours and could learn a lot from the dedication and commitment and taking your vows seriously. You should be proud of your accomplishment and continue to fight for it. Here's to a better today!

[OpenBook]

I know of a few long term 30+ year marriages that are not always pretty at times when you know what goes on behind closed doors, but I think more young marriages should be looking to mature marriages like yours and could learn a lot from the dedication and commitment and taking your vows seriously. You should be proud of your accomplishment and continue to fight for it. Here's to a better today!

 

Why though? How exactly is it an accomplishment, something to be proud of, that you stuck it out with someone who has made you so miserable?

 

I've witnessed many longtime married people who are so proud of that & brag about it to people... yet they treat each other like crap - or (more commonly) one of them really treats the other like crap and the other just sits there & takes it. And that's when they're around other people! Can't imagine how awful it must be for them behind closed doors.

 

How is that an accomplishment? It sure doesn't look like an accomplishment to me. More like the depths of misery... which they bear just so they can brag to others how long they've been married.

 

It completely makes no sense to me. What a horrible way to live.

[Rouik]

Take some small steps in changing the way things are, finding hobbies and doing things with out your wife doesn't have to be seen as a selfish thing. when you can start to do new things maybe it will help pull her along also. Have you considered counseling of some sort for the two of you? It may be a big help to have someone walk you guys through what's going on. You are doing the right thing by sticking it out for your kids, just keep fighting for a better life with your wife and you may be surprised how things turn out.