I am depressed , 18 years of marriage and my wife is the same selfish lazy woman

[Phoenician]

Out of curiosity, how did a genuinely selfish and lazy woman raise 3 kids?

-of course she contributed , with around 20%.

 

DID she raise them well, or did she neglect them and you ended up having to parent on your own?

-emotionally I took care of them , and raised them to listen to her but stopped her from abusing them emotionally .

physically she did her 20%,we had full time helpers more than 70% of the time to assist in clweaning and other duties. .

If she did raise them reasonably well, I doubt the issue here is her laziness.

 

 

- I exerted a lot of efforts to bridge the gap between her and kids , especially when girls needed a mom .

[Phoenician]

I admire your strength and commitment, many people would have given up a long time ago. Marriage certainly isn't easy, and it wasn't designed to be. It will test you and bring out your worst, and best qualities. I know of a few long term 30+ year marriages that are not always pretty at times when you know what goes on behind closed doors, but I think more young marriages should be looking to mature marriages like yours and could learn a lot from the dedication and commitment and taking your vows seriously. You should be proud of your accomplishment and continue to fight for it. Here's to a better today!

 

 

I am proud of myself , but my happiness is destroyed.

[Phoenician]

Why though? How exactly is it an accomplishment, something to be proud of, that you stuck it out with someone who has made you so miserable?

 

I've witnessed many longtime married people who are so proud of that & brag about it to people... yet they treat each other like crap - or (more commonly) one of them really treats the other like crap and the other just sits there & takes it. And that's when they're around other people! Can't imagine how awful it must be for them behind closed doors.

 

How is that an accomplishment? It sure doesn't look like an accomplishment to me. More like the depths of misery... which they bear just so they can brag to others how long they've been married.

 

It completely makes no sense to me. What a horrible way to live.

 

it is a horrible way to live , and also horrible for her ; she is not happy too.

 

but what you can do to an adult when they refuse to get treated emotionally ?

 

they don't change if they don't want to .

 

I feel pitty for her , as I feel sad and depressed .

 

I am not regretting , I have 3 gorgeous kids , very dedicated and healthy mentally and physically ; this is the gift which I thank God everyday for it .

 

My eldest is now 18 , starting engineering with an A+ profile , at age of five she was the most destryed child I have ever seen , she was a nervous child , had Alopecia because of her nervesness ; I am proud that my methodology ,patience and givology changed her to be now what she is now she social , lovely , great soul ranked 1 at her school.

 

 

I tought the kids to study alone , because my wife was irresponsible .

 

They studied alone since they were in G1/2.

 

My son is 8 now and also a respnsible lovely child .

 

my kids are my success.

 

 

I didn't choose to mary a lazy women ,Divorcing her after the first child would have destroyed my girl, because my wife is abusive emotionally if I am not available .

 

over years, hope that she will change drive my way .

 

 

WHICH IS A BIG MISTAKE , ADULTS REFUSING TO GET TREATED NEVER CHANGE.

 

I feel pitty for my wife , she can be if she wants happy if she is just grateful; we have good jobs , no Fin problems ,we have 2 houses , she has a full time helper , who cleans and even wash my dirty underware ; yet she will rage if a child messed up the room ,though she is not cleaning it .

tell me dear , if you had such a life , with a husband who forgive and forgive and forgive for 16 years and more, and hugs your impurity , what would you do ?

 

I bet you will give me the hug I need , you will try to make me happy otherwise you are like her , a person with an on/off switch for emotions.

[Phoenician]

I told her weeks ago , that we will become seperated under the same roof if she doesn't change ,if she doesn't I will go open marriage , I will have a girl friend (I have nobody in mind right now )and tell her about it ; she can move out if she wants , because I am staying with my kids .

 

It's not about sex , it's about feeling human , feeling loved for the noble values we have .

[Phoenician]

Take some small steps in changing the way things are, finding hobbies and doing things with out your wife doesn't have to be seen as a selfish thing. when you can start to do new things maybe it will help pull her along also. Have you considered counseling of some sort for the two of you? It may be a big help to have someone walk you guys through what's going on. You are doing the right thing by sticking it out for your kids, just keep fighting for a better life with your wife and you may be surprised how things turn out.

 

 

Since i failed to convince her to go MC , I started recently IC,

 

The focus is now how to survive with least damage , until kids are safer emotionally , then one day , I won't care about anything , let her take the house and everything , I will just disappear from her life .

[SummerDreams]

I'm sorry to ask this but why did you have more kids after you realized she was all these things you are saying she is? You seem to have had 10 years difference from the oldest to the youngest right? It's a long time, isn't it?

 

Do you maybe like to be the victim?

[Phoenician]

I'm sorry to ask this but why did you have more kids after you realized she was all these things you are saying she is? You seem to have had 10 years difference from the oldest to the youngest right? It's a long time, isn't it?

 

Do you maybe like to be the victim?

 

 

if i like to be a victim , i wouldn't be complaining ,

let us define laziness and selfishness , it is a sickness , it is a cancer to the soul.

 

so what should a man discovers that his wife is lazy , divorce her ?

 

 

is this respecting vows ; i respected vows for 18 years and now this is the reward .

 

you might be right in this new world , if your wife is lazy divorce her .

[basil67]

I told her weeks ago , that we will become seperated under the same roof if she doesn't change ,if she doesn't I will go open marriage , I will have a girl friend (I have nobody in mind right now )and tell her about it ; she can move out if she wants , because I am staying with my kids .

 

It's not about sex , it's about feeling human , feeling loved for the noble values we have .

 

Take away her cleaner. She will then return to her parents, leaving the kids with you.

 

You can then hire a nanny/au pair to help you raise the children on your own.

[SummerDreams]

if i like to be a victim , i wouldn't be complaining ,

let us define laziness and selfishness , it is a sickness , it is a cancer to the soul.

 

so what should a man discovers that his wife is lazy , divorce her ?

 

 

is this respecting vows ; i respected vows for 18 years and now this is the reward .

 

you might be right in this new world , if your wife is lazy divorce her .

 

From another site: "Playing the victim is a role a person plays. When a person plays being a victim, he is looking for attention and often times use it as a tool to manipulate situations and people. It's always another's fault why things go badly for him. He won't take responsibility for his part. He will get people's attention and play people's feelings, seeking sympathy."

 

You still didn't answer the question. You knew she was lazy after the first kid, why have more kids? If you didn't want to divorce you should have waited for your only kid to grow up and then leave. This is what you are doing now anyway, waiting for your 8 years old to graduate. Only this would require you to wait 18 years rather than 28 years.

 

Divorce is for people who are abused or unhappy in their marriages. You seem to have been both.

 

Nobody will care for us if we don't care for ourselves. Your kids would maybe prefer their dad to be divorced and happy rather than tied to some vows and unhappy.

[Phoenician]

Take away her cleaner. She will then return to her parents, leaving the kids with you.

 

You can then hire a nanny/au pair to help you raise the children on your own.

 

 

I like it ,

 

the nanny asked for a raise , I will not grant it , she will go and take the lazy with her...

 

if she leaves, she will not be able to ask even for custody especially that my boy is turning 9 in few month , he will be able to choose where to stay , i doubt that he will ditc a loving father.

the girls are mature now already .

wow , i like it .

[Phoenician]

From another site: "Playing the victim is a role a person plays. When a person plays being a victim, he is looking for attention and often times use it as a tool to manipulate situations and people. It's always another's fault why things go badly for him. He won't take responsibility for his part. He will get people's attention and play people's feelings, seeking sympathy."

 

-I admit I did mistakes , by rewarding her laziness assuming that when you love somebody you do the maximum to make them happy , I was wrong , not all people appreciates.

You still didn't answer the question. You knew she was lazy after the first kid, why have more kids? If you didn't want to divorce you should have waited for your only kid to grow up and then leave. This is what you are doing now anyway, waiting for your 8 years old to graduate. Only this would require you to wait 18 years rather than 28 years.

 

- yes I knew her laziness after the first child ,laziness is not the main problem for me ,lazyness becomes toxic when selfishness is involved in a toxic manner ; let me give you an example ; some ppl suffer fybromyiligia , they are lazy , but they live happy if they are mentally normal ; would I divorce a wife if she was like this ?

-no; i was happy to make her feel confortable ; to please her ; the problem was not obvious because she is Passive aggressive , meaning that she never complained really as long as she is satisfied ; she became unsatisfied when I broke an arm , or got sick or needed to be appreciated .

 

Divorce is for people who are abused or unhappy in their marriages. You seem to have been both.

 

 

Nobody will care for us if we don't care for ourselves. Your kids would maybe prefer their dad to be divorced and happy rather than tied to some vows and unhappy.

 

-This day will come ,

 

 

 

I am no longer looking back

[live2ndin]

it is a horrible way to live , and also horrible for her ; she is not happy too.

 

but what you can do to an adult when they refuse to get treated emotionally ?

 

they don't change if they don't want to .

 

I feel pitty for her , as I feel sad and depressed .

 

I am not regretting , I have 3 gorgeous kids , very dedicated and healthy mentally and physically ; this is the gift which I thank God everyday for it .

 

My eldest is now 18 , starting engineering with an A+ profile , at age of five she was the most destryed child I have ever seen , she was a nervous child , had Alopecia because of her nervesness ; I am proud that my methodology ,patience and givology changed her to be now what she is now she social , lovely , great soul ranked 1 at her school.

 

 

I tought the kids to study alone , because my wife was irresponsible .

 

They studied alone since they were in G1/2.

 

My son is 8 now and also a respnsible lovely child .

 

my kids are my success.

 

 

I didn't choose to mary a lazy women ,Divorcing her after the first child would have destroyed my girl, because my wife is abusive emotionally if I am not available .

 

over years, hope that she will change drive my way .

 

 

WHICH IS A BIG MISTAKE , ADULTS REFUSING TO GET TREATED NEVER CHANGE.

 

I feel pitty for my wife , she can be if she wants happy if she is just grateful; we have good jobs , no Fin problems ,we have 2 houses , she has a full time helper , who cleans and even wash my dirty underware ; yet she will rage if a child messed up the room ,though she is not cleaning it .

tell me dear , if you had such a life , with a husband who forgive and forgive and forgive for 16 years and more, and hugs your impurity , what would you do ?

 

I bet you will give me the hug I need , you will try to make me happy otherwise you are like her , a person with an on/off switch for emotions.

 

It really sounds like you have kindled and supported a great family atmosphere for your children to the best of your ability. Again, you should be admired for your commitment. You said that you thank God for your children every day and I'm sure you know that you can lean into Him to lift you up from your current trouble. I hope and pray that you find encouragement, and peace.

[wmacbride]

Some people enjoy being martyrs, and op, I think you are one of them.

 

If someone stays for years, and takes steps that will tie them even closer to the situation and finds a million excuses for why it needs to continue, and this goes on for years, at some point, they are actively choosing to stay in a situation they claim makes them very unhappy.

 

OP, I am going to tell you something that you won't want to hear ad will make you very angry. All I ask is that you give it some thought before brushing it off.

 

You have been with your wife, who you claim is lazy, for all these years. You say you are incredibly unhappy, but you had another child with her. You go on and on about how awful she is, lazy and does nothing, yet you continue to keep your children in that sort of environment, even though it is probably bad for them.

 

You claim your wife is lazy, yet you hire a housekeeper.

 

 

In short, I think you are bullsh@tting all of us and even worse, yourself and kids. I don't think you stay for your kids, because if you were really putting them first, you would be using your energy to find a way to extricate them from a situation you say is very negative. This leads me to believe a combination of three things.

 

(a) You actually enjoy being where you are. It gives you a reason to complain and gripe. You could make a change, if you really wanted to. Instead, you get to pay the martyr and build yourself up by running down your wife, while pretending to be stuck. Sir, you are anything but, and the only thing keep your rooted where you are is YOU.

 

(b) There is a lot of selfishness on your part. so long as you stay, you can complain,gripe and seek pity form others for your horrible situation. That attention can be very gratifying, but you are getting your ego strokes at your children's expense.

 

© You actually want to stay, because deep down, you enjoy it. I've seen this before. Before I stayed home with my kids, one of my jobs was to help women who were abuse find places to stay to escape their abuser. There were some who would talk for hours about how awful their husbands were ( which I don't doubt they treated them terribly, including physical violence) and yet they still chose to stay. In some cases, as disturbing as it was, they stayed because, on some level, it was meeting some expectation they had of what marriage was like. These were usually women who grew up in a toxic environment and didn't know any better. They were simply repeating the pattern they knew, and, even though it makes no sense to others, they actually wanted to stay because it is what they thought marriage shoudl be.

 

In effect you are doing the same thing. You are unhappy, you say your wife is probably not happy, and your kids are likely not going to be happy. Explain to me again how staying together with her helps any of you.

 

In short, so long as you keep playing this mental game with yourself, you are never going to be happy. What's even worse is that you are willing to sacrifice your children's future because you are either too lazy, too cowardly or too wrapped up in yourself to leave. If you were both actively getting counseling, if your both actively trying to improve your marriage, I would think differently, but neither one of you is. Instead, from what you say, your wife has gotten lazier and your go to solution is to go and complain about her on the internet to a bunch of strangers who really can't be anything more than a dumping ground for your angst. How's that working for you?

 

The answer is it's not...and it never will. We can't fix your life. You have to want to, and really, I don't think you want to. In my honest opinion, I think, on some level, you are actually actively choosing to stay for two reasons (and they aren't your kids).

 

Your are staying because:

 

(a) you are getting some sort of ego kibble out of it

 

(b) you are too wrapped up in the concept of keeping your marriage together to see the situation for what it is. I don't think you are trying to stay married because it's what's right for your wife or your kids. I think you are staying because you think it's whats' right for you. Not only that, you are willing to sacrifice your wife and children on the hill of " people get divorced to easily".

 

If you need further proof, ask yourself this. When you kids are grown, what sort of memories of their childhood do you think they will have? Happy ones, or ones of a lazy mom and a dad who was so wrapped up in his selfish need to keep his marriage together because of a principle.

 

You want to wreck your life for some sort of nebulous concept? Go right ahead. It's your life. Your children's lives and your wife's life are not yours to mess up, and you have no right to ask them to go through all of this and end up messed up as adults because you were either too selfish or too chicken to make things better for them.

 

I expect that you probably want to tell me of right now and think I'm 100 percent wrong,and maybe I am. It's just that I think you really need to dig deep and admit to yourself you are getting something out of all of this, and figure out what that is. Once you do, you an begin to rectify your marriage and life. The problem is, that takes being honest with yourself, and quite frankly, you aren't there yet in any way, shape or fashion.

 

Feel free to tell me off or tell me I'm wrong. I'm just telling you what I see.

[SummerDreams]

@wmacbride

 

Amen You said what I tried to say the other day way better than me.

[Phoenician]

Some people enjoy being martyrs, and op, I think you are one of them.

 

If someone stays for years, and takes steps that will tie them even closer to the situation and finds a million excuses for why it needs to continue, and this goes on for years, at some point, they are actively choosing to stay in a situation they claim makes them very unhappy.

 

OP, I am going to tell you something that you won't want to hear ad will make you very angry. All I ask is that you give it some thought before brushing it off.

 

You have been with your wife, who you claim is lazy, for all these years. You say you are incredibly unhappy, but you had another child with her. You go on and on about how awful she is, lazy and does nothing, yet you continue to keep your children in that sort of environment, even though it is probably bad for them.

 

You claim your wife is lazy, yet you hire a housekeeper.

 

 

In short, I think you are bullsh@tting all of us and even worse, yourself and kids. I don't think you stay for your kids, because if you were really putting them first, you would be using your energy to find a way to extricate them from a situation you say is very negative. This leads me to believe a combination of three things.

 

(a) You actually enjoy being where you are. It gives you a reason to complain and gripe. You could make a change, if you really wanted to. Instead, you get to pay the martyr and build yourself up by running down your wife, while pretending to be stuck. Sir, you are anything but, and the only thing keep your rooted where you are is YOU.

 

(b) There is a lot of selfishness on your part. so long as you stay, you can complain,gripe and seek pity form others for your horrible situation. That attention can be very gratifying, but you are getting your ego strokes at your children's expense.

 

© You actually want to stay, because deep down, you enjoy it. I've seen this before. Before I stayed home with my kids, one of my jobs was to help women who were abuse find places to stay to escape their abuser. There were some who would talk for hours about how awful their husbands were ( which I don't doubt they treated them terribly, including physical violence) and yet they still chose to stay. In some cases, as disturbing as it was, they stayed because, on some level, it was meeting some expectation they had of what marriage was like. These were usually women who grew up in a toxic environment and didn't know any better. They were simply repeating the pattern they knew, and, even though it makes no sense to others, they actually wanted to stay because it is what they thought marriage shoudl be.

 

In effect you are doing the same thing. You are unhappy, you say your wife is probably not happy, and your kids are likely not going to be happy. Explain to me again how staying together with her helps any of you.

 

In short, so long as you keep playing this mental game with yourself, you are never going to be happy. What's even worse is that you are willing to sacrifice your children's future because you are either too lazy, too cowardly or too wrapped up in yourself to leave. If you were both actively getting counseling, if your both actively trying to improve your marriage, I would think differently, but neither one of you is. Instead, from what you say, your wife has gotten lazier and your go to solution is to go and complain about her on the internet to a bunch of strangers who really can't be anything more than a dumping ground for your angst. How's that working for you?

 

The answer is it's not...and it never will. We can't fix your life. You have to want to, and really, I don't think you want to. In my honest opinion, I think, on some level, you are actually actively choosing to stay for two reasons (and they aren't your kids).

 

Your are staying because:

 

(a) you are getting some sort of ego kibble out of it

 

(b) you are too wrapped up in the concept of keeping your marriage together to see the situation for what it is. I don't think you are trying to stay married because it's what's right for your wife or your kids. I think you are staying because you think it's whats' right for you. Not only that, you are willing to sacrifice your wife and children on the hill of " people get divorced to easily".

 

If you need further proof, ask yourself this. When you kids are grown, what sort of memories of their childhood do you think they will have? Happy ones, or ones of a lazy mom and a dad who was so wrapped up in his selfish need to keep his marriage together because of a principle.

 

You want to wreck your life for some sort of nebulous concept? Go right ahead. It's your life. Your children's lives and your wife's life are not yours to mess up, and you have no right to ask them to go through all of this and end up messed up as adults because you were either too selfish or too chicken to make things better for them.

 

I expect that you probably want to tell me of right now and think I'm 100 percent wrong,and maybe I am. It's just that I think you really need to dig deep and admit to yourself you are getting something out of all of this, and figure out what that is. Once you do, you an begin to rectify your marriage and life. The problem is, that takes being honest with yourself, and quite frankly, you aren't there yet in any way, shape or fashion.

 

Feel free to tell me off or tell me I'm wrong. I'm just telling you what I see.

 

I respect your opinion but the best rational way to respond is to tell you put all this bull....

 

 

Your words in this thread have no single advise , you are just attacking ...

 

it is full of contradiction .

 

I don't really have to answer you ,nor in the future ...

[Phoenician]

I am fedup from negativity of some ppl on LS.

 

regarding my decision , I am done ,

 

I will use a similar concept of 180 and seperating from her.

 

propbably I will not post on LS in the next period , I am tired of all this.

 

Thanks to all who helped me .

 

bye

[SummerDreams]

I respect your opinion but the best rational way to respond is to tell you put all this bull....

 

 

Your words in this thread have no single advise , you are just attacking ...

 

it is full of contradiction .

 

I don't really have to answer you ,nor in the future ...

 

Nice response to someone who spent time from their life to read and respond to your thread. Exactly as I thought you would react. You get angry with people who understand your ways.

[SummerDreams]

I am fedup from negativity of some ppl on LS.

 

regarding my decision , I am done ,

 

I will use a similar concept of 180 and seperating from her.

 

propbably I will not post on LS in the next period , I am tired of all this.

 

Thanks to all who helped me .

 

bye

 

May this be the beginning of a good life for you. Take care.

[wmacbride]

I am fedup from negativity of some ppl on LS.

 

regarding my decision , I am done ,

 

I will use a similar concept of 180 and seperating from her.

 

propbably I will not post on LS in the next period , I am tired of all this.

 

Thanks to all who helped me .

 

bye

 

No one can help you except yourself, and to be able to dot hat, you need to figure out the real reasons that you stay.

[Jamess1]

"divorce is out of the table so many reasons we cant ." and yet I say get divorced as soon as yesterday. Let the rest of your days be the best of your days. Change your life : everything you want in life is outside your comfort zone : enjoy the journey of change : take charge of your life and give your family the gift of ""authentic selfishness the best gift you can give the world.

 

As long as things remain the way they are: everybody losses, you, her and the family. The worst thing is not to make a decision : make a decision and follow through.

[Steve51]

Many people do not understand that what you see is what you get when you marry someone. Adults do not change who they are simply because they get married. I read so many posts that say that their spouse was this or that prior to marriage and then are surprised when they are the same way after they put a ring on his/her finger.

 

Romantic love, the kind you get during courtship, blinds us to our partner's faults. It is nature's way (genetic) to get us to mate and hang around long enough to make sure any children are cared for by two parents. This was very important in ancient times when a women needed a man to provide and protect them and any children

 

After a few years the romantic love goes away and we see each other's faults. That is the time when we have to decide if we want to continue with our spouses or divorce. Most will choose to stay for the sake of the kids. They also have settled into a comfortable life and get more sex than they would if they divorced and had to date all over again. Sooner or later it becomes too much. You finally cannot take it anymore but you are trapped in a marriage that does not make you at least a little happy anymore.

 

You might want to read this. How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com

[SammySammy]

Many people do not understand that what you see is what you get when you marry someone. Adults do not change who they are simply because they get married. I read so many posts that say that their spouse was this or that prior to marriage and then are surprised when they are the same way after they put a ring on his/her finger.

 

Romantic love, the kind you get during courtship, blinds us to our partner's faults. It is nature's way (genetic) to get us to mate and hang around long enough to make sure any children are cared for by two parents. This was very important in ancient times when a women needed a man to provide and protect them and any children

 

After a few years the romantic love goes away and we see each other's faults. That is the time when we have to decide if we want to continue with our spouses or divorce. Most will choose to stay for the sake of the kids. They also have settled into a comfortable life and get more sex than they would if they divorced and had to date all over again. Sooner or later it becomes too much. You finally cannot take it anymore but you are trapped in a marriage that does not make you at least a little happy anymore.

 

You might want to read this. How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com

 

That's true.

 

Things don't get better after marriage. If anything, they tend to get worse.

 

Whenever you see problems in a relationship, family, or organization, it's often because somebody's standards are too low. Standards are part of boundary setting. Setting and enforcing appropriate standards and boundaries is critical.

 

People should not be ashamed of expecting to be treated well. Then, quickly and decisively eliminating people who cannot or will not treat you well. Do it early and we'll avoid wasting large portions of our lives in unsatisfying relationships.

 

We tend to get what we expect and insist upon.

 

I see nothing wrong with insisting that a SO be good to me or be gone. And vice versa. I should be good to them or leave them alone.