LateNightWandering Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 I woke up around 3AM last night drenched in sweat after having had a dream about my ex. Unable to fall back asleep, I thought about her for hours, about the good times we shared and the mistakes that I made. Now for some reason I'm just feeling riddled with guilt. Why didn't i text her back more quickly or tell her how much I cared more often? Why couldn't I have been better? Maybe we'd still be together today. Maybe not. Now don't get me wrong, I was very good to her, I just can't seem to get over these few seemingly big mistakes. I feel like I ruined something that could have been great, even though I know she isn't blameless. This guilt seems to be what is keeping me from moving on. It's been 3 weeks. How did you guys get over this feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 Time and no contact. It's only 3 weeks. You will feel different after 3 months. But don't contact. No checking on social media , no asking mutual friends, etc etc 1 Link to post Share on other sites
metrognome Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 What were the circumstances of the breakup? Who broke up with who and why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LateNightWandering Posted June 1, 2017 Author Share Posted June 1, 2017 What were the circumstances of the breakup? Who broke up with who and why? She broke up with me. I honestly thought things were going really well and all of a sudden it was over. Looking back I noticed some minor red flags but nothing that made me think she was about to breakup with me. She simply said the spark was gone. Link to post Share on other sites
metrognome Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 She broke up with me. I honestly thought things were going really well and all of a sudden it was over. Looking back I noticed some minor red flags but nothing that made me think she was about to breakup with me. She simply said the spark was gone. I'm going through something similar myself, a very seemingly out of the blue breakup. I'm at the 6 week mark. 3 weeks ago I was definitely still having very vivid dreams every single night about my ex, waking up feeling awful too. He's still in them but a little bit less regularly now. These will ease with time - 3 weeks is very recent. It's easier said than done and I'm guilty of this myself (big time), but you need to not blame yourself. I remind myself of the good things I did for him and the good influence I had on his life. Nobody is perfect, but if the things you did wrong aren't things like cheating, lying, abusing, then you really don't need to blame yourself. You don't need to blame her either. But you can reflect on these things and work out how to better yourself (it sounds cliche but it's the only way). & you can trust that if you were good to her like you said, then she won't hate you. In our heartache we create ideas in our head of what our ex is thinking/how they are perceiving us, that most likely aren't true and are useless to focus on. I'm telling you what I'm telling myself. Trust that you did the best you could, that you'll learn from this. Don't be hateful - to yourself or to your ex. Feel all those feelings that you feel, and take time out from contact and social media. It'll take longer than 3 weeks for the emotions to settle and then you can re-evaluate things. I share your pain right now bro Link to post Share on other sites
desertsession Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 As above, definitely try and move away from the thoughts of texting back sooner, telling her you cared more often. These aren't things people break-up over. They're easy to focus on but they're small and insignificant. My ex always used to tell me that I didn't show enough affection and didn't tell her I loved her enough. In the immediate aftermath of the break-up, it was so easy to sit and think 'that was ALL I had to do!' but that's simply not true. What I did do, is move cities to be with her, make 5 hour round trips when we were long-distance, help her through hard times in her life and ALWAYS be there for her. At the end of the day, she obviously decided that what I did wasn't enough for her. So you have to try and look at it as 'her loss' also, not just yours. You say yourself you were 'very good to her'. If that's the case then I'm sure you've little to regret. Are there any particular regrets you have? If you detail them a little more we may be able to offer more specific advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Bromeo Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 Lemme wade in here. For context, several months after we broke up, my ex sent me a link to a love song and basically said if I was a better man, I'd have been the one. I could have chewed rocks at that point i was so frustrated. Read my thread for how crazy I allowed my life to get for about six months. Op, if she really loved you, she'd be working on it. Plain and simple. She bolted, and you need to make peace with it. It sucks, and hurts like hell. I still get stabs almost a year later. It does get better. I went through the same period of vivid dreams, toxic guilt, and waves of emotions. Good thing is, I don't see from your thread the same stupid games mine played with me postbreakup. And she's 36. Let the emotions roll through, cry, scream, vent, and then pick yourself up and get outdoors and do something. Find whatever works and do it. We are creatures of action, and by not acting you are still spinning about your ex, who is renting space in your head and heart that is undeserved. I began to by going and listening to live music. Then I signed up for a writers workshop (and the instructor started hitting on me, a rather curvy blonde, no lie), went to falconry seminars, and have an upcoming class to be a sommelier. When I finally learned the power of letting go, and allowing things to happen in their own time and pace, I have had several prior exs reach back out. And I just got picked up for open water scuba, paid for by work, score! Work on yourself, tend to your own garden, let the butterflies come and go as they please. And they will. You will be shocked how happy you are when you turn your focus inward, instead of needing others for validation and approval, which is exactly why this situation is consuming you at the moment. All of this took me a very, very long time to learn. If I can shortcut your road, I definitely want to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
metrognome Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 Lemme wade in here. For context, several months after we broke up, my ex sent me a link to a love song and basically said if I was a better man, I'd have been the one. I could have chewed rocks at that point i was so frustrated. Read my thread for how crazy I allowed my life to get for about six months. Op, if she really loved you, she'd be working on it. Plain and simple. She bolted, and you need to make peace with it. It sucks, and hurts like hell. I still get stabs almost a year later. It does get better. I went through the same period of vivid dreams, toxic guilt, and waves of emotions. Good thing is, I don't see from your thread the same stupid games mine played with me postbreakup. And she's 36. Let the emotions roll through, cry, scream, vent, and then pick yourself up and get outdoors and do something. Find whatever works and do it. We are creatures of action, and by not acting you are still spinning about your ex, who is renting space in your head and heart that is undeserved. I began to by going and listening to live music. Then I signed up for a writers workshop (and the instructor started hitting on me, a rather curvy blonde, no lie), went to falconry seminars, and have an upcoming class to be a sommelier. When I finally learned the power of letting go, and allowing things to happen in their own time and pace, I have had several prior exs reach back out. And I just got picked up for open water scuba, paid for by work, score! Work on yourself, tend to your own garden, let the butterflies come and go as they please. And they will. You will be shocked how happy you are when you turn your focus inward, instead of needing others for validation and approval, which is exactly why this situation is consuming you at the moment. All of this took me a very, very long time to learn. If I can shortcut your road, I definitely want to. Sorry OP, just throwing this in but Bromeo I have to say I am a secret admirer of many of your posts. They are very thoughtfully written & some have provided great comfort for me. I actually printed out a whole bunch of snippets of things I've read to read again and remind myself of when I'm having a rough time and some are on there. So thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bromeo Posted June 2, 2017 Share Posted June 2, 2017 Sorry OP, just throwing this in but Bromeo I have to say I am a secret admirer of many of your posts. They are very thoughtfully written & some have provided great comfort for me. I actually printed out a whole bunch of snippets of things I've read to read again and remind myself of when I'm having a rough time and some are on there. So thanks! Many thanks for the kind words. I'm trying to be more like sweetfish, who is incredibly insightful. Lol I have found journaling to help organize and process thoughts and emotions that I was and still sometimes struggle with. My own breakup was so painful that I see a piece in most threads here. No threadjacking, to wit. Op, continue to post as much as you need to. I can promise I felt the exact same way. Four months no contact later (as of today actually), and most of those feelings are long past. Link to post Share on other sites
1fish2fish Posted June 2, 2017 Share Posted June 2, 2017 Work on yourself, tend to your own garden, let the butterflies come and go as they please. And they will. You will be shocked how happy you are when you turn your focus inward, instead of needing others for validation and approval, which is exactly why this situation is consuming you at the moment. If you take away anything at all from this thread, OP, let it be this. So much this. Link to post Share on other sites
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