My boyfriend is married, and now another guy is in my life [long read]

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

I wasn't really sure whether to post here or not, but I'm really starting to sink into this situation and I need some (I hope) judgemental-free advice.

I'll try to be as synthetic as possible, I don't want to bother anyone.

 

So, I am a 25yo art student. February of this year I started dating one of my professors, who is a 38yo married man. Now, I knew it already (he has a darn wedding ring around his finger) but I decided I didn't care. I just wanted to have fun, he seemed to be interested and so we started. He immediately showed affection towards me, he started to cry to me, to express the pain his 2years old marriage was causing to him. Even at these conditions tho, he still stated to love his wife, to want to give them the chance to recover from the problems they had (totally sexless life, she is scared of sex and doesn't like to do it, while he is very passionate and so on).

At first I tried to console him, even to help him with his problem. I sided with his marriage. Later on feelings started to grow on both sides, and I grew jealous. Every night was more and more painful to know that the other side of my bed was empty while he was cuddling with her.

 

He grew very confused, and we broke up many times: he is the kind of "flipper ball" person, who runs everywhere the crysis leads.

Anyway, in the last few weeks he went and come back, but this last time he came back saying he loves me more than anything else, that he doesn't want to live a life without me, and so on. Thing is, during our last breakup I became very close to one of my friends, who I acknowledged likes me from a while. He knows about my MM, he is very mad at him, and he's becoming very resolute. We spent a drunk night together, I was in the kind of the "revenge seeking" mood, and I didn't honestly thought I could like him too this way I am liking him. He's just 4 years older than me, we share our studies, our passions, our friends, also we have a lot of common stuff regarding our troubled past. I feel understood and very comfortable with him. I feel the fun, the free pressure situation, and I like it. I like not to hide, not to feed on crumbs.

 

I told my MM the truth, and he went all bat**** crazy. He started with the continuose phone calls, he started monitoring me like never before. So I told him I needed my time, I told him to let me relax. To him, this just meant "you're growing confused, you're not worth my trust anymore, f**k off." Even so, feeling the pressure, yesterday, after a terrible fight he told me he is willing to leave his wife for me, but he's not gonna do if I'm not sure about my feelings.

 

Now. I am torn between the two, and this is a certainty. I love the MM, I think I really do. But he is the typical bourgeois who would probably imprison me in a life I still don't want. Also, his marriage has been a failure even before the start, he wasn't even sure to get marry with this woman. So I'm not willing to take all the damn responsibility for this failure. I don't want him to leave her FOR ME, but because this is the best thing he can do to himself and his own happyness. If I come, I'll come later.

On the other hand, a relation with this other guy is probably gonna lead me to nothing but the immediate fun and crazyness of youth, but I still feel like missing this chance is actually missing something that could make me happy.

 

Sorry for the long read and for the english, I am not a native speaker. Thanks to everyone who has come this far.

 

Cheers, D.

[reboot]

The first thing you need to realize is he's almost certainly having sex with his wife too. That's the oldest line in the book.

[somanymistakes]

If you could date both of them openly, without lies, rather than binding yourself permanently to one or the other, would you?

 

I don't think a permanent partnered relationship with your MM is what you really want, but I'm not sure if you know what you do want.

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

The first thing you need to realize is he's almost certainly having sex with his wife too. That's the oldest line in the book.

 

As I wrote, I am sure they are not having any sexual contact, since she has problems with sex and she really does not want to have it. I now for sure they tried a few weeks ago on the advice of a marriage consultant, but the attempt failed.

 

If you could date both of them openly, without lies, rather than binding yourself permanently to one or the other, would you?

 

I don't think a permanent partnered relationship with your MM is what you really want, but I'm not sure if you know what you do want.

 

Yes, I surely would like to date them both. This would help me in so many ways to understand who I really feel bonded the most. Also, in my opinion that would be pretty fair, since my MM has been trying for months this same thing. A feet in two shoes to understand which one fits better. Thing is, no one of them is willing to allow this. I come from a place where men are very possessive, and something like this would just lead to more fights with one of the other, more jealousy and more trust loss.

[whichwayisup]

As I wrote, I am sure they are not having any sexual contact, since she has problems with sex and she really does not want to have it. I now for sure they tried a few weeks ago on the advice of a marriage consultant, but the attempt failed.

Unless you're a fly on the wall in their house and bedroom, you don't know for sure. You only have his word - From a guy who lies to his wife, is cheating and having an affair with you. Of course he's going to tell you they have no sex life and she has issues with sex. IF he told you that they have a great sex life and he loves her, I'm sure you'd feel hurt and jealous. I highly doubt much of what he's told you is true. Probably great exaggerated to suit himself in the best possible light in your eyes. He is the perfect husband and everything is his wife's fault.

 

Call him out on it. Tell him that you're going to talk to his wife and tell her the truth! Then watch his reaction. You'll know right away if he is full of crap or not. If he really is divorcing and says he's going to be with you then his wife knowing the truth won't make a difference, right? Give that some thought.

 

 

Yes, I surely would like to date them both. This would help me in so many ways to understand who I really feel bonded the most. Also, in my opinion that would be pretty fair, since my MM has been trying for months this same thing. A feet in two shoes to understand which one fits better. Thing is, no one of them is willing to allow this. I come from a place where men are very possessive, and something like this would just lead to more fights with one of the other, more jealousy and more trust loss.

 

Dump the MM and focus on the single guy. Dating both isn't going to work, it'll only complicate your feelings and the single guy deserves all your attention. MM isn't leaving his wife and only wants you as the OW.

[BaileyB]

So, I am a 25yo art student. February of this year I started dating one of my professors, who is a 38yo married man. Now, I knew it already (he has a darn wedding ring around his finger) but I decided I didn't care. he still stated to love his wife, to want to give them the chance to recover from the problems they had (totally sexless life, she is scared of sex and doesn't like to do it, while he is very passionate and so on).

 

I told my MM the truth, and he went all bat**** crazy. He started with the continuose phone calls, he started monitoring me like never before.

 

yesterday, after a terrible fight he told me he is willing to leave his wife for me, but he's not gonna do if I'm not sure about my feelings.

 

First things first,

 

It's totally inappropriate for a professor to date a student. This tells us, he is not a good guy.

 

The fact that he went bat**** crazy when you told him you went out with another guy, is not cool. It's controlling and creepy, and why you would want to be in a relationship who does this is beyond me. He is not a good guy.

 

But seriously, if you believe what this MM has told you, then I have a bridge to sell you... He is sleeping with his wife, he is sleeping with you, and who knows how many other students he is sleeping with... other young girls who want to console this man who has a wife who gives him no affection, poor guy!

 

If you have any hope of future happiness, you will date the other guy because at least he is single, doesn't prey on young girls, and then stalk them when he feels like they are pulling away. Those are three big pros that the MM doesn't have...

[aileD]

The shortest life's advice you'll get on this post:

 

 

The married guy isn't your boyfriend. He's someone else's HUSBAND.

 

Choose the single guy or choose to be single.

 

That's all you need to know

[Vivir]

OP, something similar happened to me. I missed out on a possible full relationship because I allowed a MM into my life and got hung up on him. Perhaps the other relationship would not have worked out, but he was single, putting in effort, and showing that he was available to me and wanted to see where things could go. I could call him at 3 AM and 3 PM. I could spend entire weekends with him and he happily took me around his family. He planned and paid for our outings. It took me months to really feel the loss when he left (or, like a lovesick fool, I chose the MM over him - and the MM, my so-called friend, let me choose him over the single guy knowing full well he wasn't leaving his BW). It is one of my most recent greatest regrets.

 

I concur with aileD: choose the single guy or choose to be single.

 

And for your own sake, drop the married man. And don't look back. You're inviting delay and heart break into your life. I beg you, don't be like me.

Edited June 2, 2017 by Vivir
I made a mistake

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

OP, something similar happened to me. I missed out on a possible full relationship because I allowed a MM into my life and got hung up on him. Perhaps the other relationship would not have worked out, but he was single, putting in effort, and showing that he was available to me and wanted to see where things could go. I could call him at 3 AM and 3 PM. I could spend entire weekends with him and he happily took me around his family. He planned and paid for our outings. It took me months to really feel the loss when he left (or, like a lovesick fool, I chose the MM over him - and the MM, my so-called friend, let me choose him over the single guy knowing full well he wasn't leaving his BW). It is one of my most recent greatest regrets.

 

I concur with aileD: choose the single guy or choose to be single.

 

And for your own sake, drop the married man. And don't look back. You're inviting delay and heart break into your life. I beg you, don't be like me.

 

I really appreciated your sharing. Thank you. I honestly can relate to what you're writing, but my fear is mostly about what is happening with the MM. I fear he could be a lost chance, I fear I could regret it. I feel he could be the quiet life everyone wants to have at one point in life. I feel I could easily settle with him. But at the same time I'm not sure I'm already there... He loves me deeply, and instead of being happy about, or feel any relief, I am scared as hell. I feel pressure, I feel insecurity. The other guy is lovely, is kind, he's really trying hard to show me how things could work beetwen us and how much he cares about me. And he's exactly the other side of the coin. He represents all the opposite of settlement, but in a good and relieving way.

 

But in all of this mess, the MM is not letting me my time or room to breathe and think properly, and I don't wanna dump him because I'm on this emotional hell ride and I'm just crapping my pants over what could or couldn't be.. I'm not sure I really explained myself...

[aileD]

He's married.

 

He's not going to settle down with you.

 

You're there for sex and excitement outside of the "quiet life" he has with his wife. He obviously wants more than the simple life.

 

If you were to settle down into the quiet life with him, he'd just cheat on you.

 

Plus. He's MARRIED. He's not a "lost chance". He's not even yours to lose!!!!

[Whodatdog]

Unless you personally asked his wife if she's sleeping with him or not, then you dont know what they are doing. If he tells you the sky is blue, you'd better look up, because anything he says will be suspect.

[elaine567]

This is all talk from the MM, so in effect you have nothing. Where are his actions?

He has not left his wife for you, he is not sitting in his new apartment whilst you make sweet love and plan your future together is he?

NO, he is still sitting at home with his wife, who probably knows nothing whatsoever about you or he is trying to get her back and juggle the two of you, if she HAS found out.

Talk is cheap.

 

He is your professor, he may make a habit of doing this with every intake, single out the young girl who will give him a chance, fall "madly in love" only to forget her when the new batch arrives, some guys do this.

How could you ever really trust him? You sitting at home with your new baby whilst he is schmoozing some other student with talk about how you never give him sex...

YOU think you hold all the cards here, but in truth you hold none as far as the MM is concerned. This is not the single world, this is the world of extramarital sex and that is a different world all together.

 

BTW do not mistake jealousy for love, many women make this mistake.

He doesn't want you seeing this other guy and that doesn't necessarily mean he loves you and is serious about you and he will leave his wife for you, it often just means he doesn't want you seeing this other guy.

 

Protect your heart here, you are young free and single do not get mixed up with an older guy and his wife, it is just not worth the hassle.

[Overtaxed]

As I wrote, I am sure they are not having any sexual contact, since she has problems with sex and she really does not want to have it. I now for sure they tried a few weeks ago on the advice of a marriage consultant, but the attempt failed.

 

Oh you poor, sweet girl. My heart literally bleeds for you, because, I can tell from your writing that you sincerely believe this. Something that anyone here, married, not married, an AP, in an A.. Will tell you, without any doubt, is a complete lie.

 

Of course he's sleeping with her, she's his wife! And of course he's going to lie about it, it's cheater script 101. Would you sleep with him if he told you he's having great sex with his wife? Probably not. Would you sleep with him if he told you he had sex with his W this morning? Almost certainly not. But, I'm going to be somewhat gentle here, there's a very good chance that is in fact the case. My wife's AP used the same line. Talking with his W, that was not AT ALL the case. She never asked for the timeline, but I suspect there's a near 100% chance that he had sex/kissed my W then went home and made love to his wife. Men are "turned on" by A's; one of the surest signs for a women that their man is having an A is more sex at home, the man feels guilty about what he's doing and also horny from his contact with the AP. Do some reading here, or read some books, it's very common.

 

And now into my normal diatribe. Men lie for sex all the time. Men lie for sex more than they tell the truth for sex. "I love you" really means "I will say anything to have sex" most of the time. And that's with 2 single people! When the man is married, the percentage of the time that it's going to be "say anything for sex" increases (from an already high number) dramatically. Why not lie to you about a small detail (I love you, or I'm not sleeping with my wife) when he's lying to his wife about a HUGE detail (I'm getting some sex on the side)? Do you see how little sense this makes. It's like someone telling the truth to a known gossip who's inclined to blackmail and backstab and then lying to priest. It makes no sense; his W isn't getting the truth either (obviously, no mention of you), but she's getting a MUCH MORE ACCURATE version that you are as the AP.

 

So, in short, yes, he's sleeping with her. Probably on the same days he sleeps with you. Perhaps before he sees you (unload the gun), perhaps after (because he's sexually excited by the sex and wants more). But he is; trust us (the men on the board), this is how we operate. If you want sex with NSA and don't care about what you do to his wife/family, by all means, this is a great way to get it. If you want love, or even sexually exclusive access to a man, getting into an A makes about as much sense as flying to Sahara to look for glaciers. It's just not there. And almost certainly will never be. Because it's not how men operate, our primary objective is sex in relationships with women. That can blossom into love, yes, but not when we already have someone in our lives (like a W or even a SO). Affairs for men are almost always about sex. Yes, you get some "good guys in bad situations" here, but they are not the norm, not even close. Just like you get some women here posting that they just wanted some NSA fun and that's why they got into an A. But, absent strong evidence to the contrary, assume men are in an A for sex and women are in an A for an emotional connection. Because that's almost always the case.

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

He's married.

 

He's not going to settle down with you.

 

You're there for sex and excitement outside of the "quiet life" he has with his wife. He obviously wants more than the simple life.

 

If you were to settle down into the quiet life with him, he'd just cheat on you.

 

Plus. He's MARRIED. He's not a "lost chance". He's not even yours to lose!!!!

 

I can see what you're trying to say. And the more I see, the more naive I feel. I trust what he says, but I also know he's a very messed up one. He's lost in his own confusion, in his "stomach with butterflies" feeling. My mistake was to go with his flow, to follow the lead of his feelings, while he was confused af the whole time, even if he stated otherwise.

 

And now my dilemma is: I don't want to dump him now. I mean I don't know. I feel I can't without being sure of what he is (thing that seems quite impossible right now, since not even he knows s**t about himself). Without passing the message that I'm just following another flow, that I'm just that easy. I mean, maybe I am, but I wish he could understand that I'm not liking what I'm seeing IN HIM. I'm not liking what he's showing to be. I'm not liking the way things are going, the way he's managing the whole thing.

 

Plus, update: he told his wife about me. And half of his friends and family. Even though he's still going to counselling with her. She told him she wants to fight. And he doesn't know s**t.

This is so messed up.

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

Oh you poor, sweet girl. My heart literally bleeds for you, because, I can tell from your writing that you sincerely believe this. Something that anyone here, married, not married, an AP, in an A.. Will tell you, without any doubt, is a complete lie.

 

Of course he's sleeping with her, she's his wife! And of course he's going to lie about it, it's cheater script 101. Would you sleep with him if he told you he's having great sex with his wife? Probably not. Would you sleep with him if he told you he had sex with his W this morning? Almost certainly not. But, I'm going to be somewhat gentle here, there's a very good chance that is in fact the case. My wife's AP used the same line. Talking with his W, that was not AT ALL the case. She never asked for the timeline, but I suspect there's a near 100% chance that he had sex/kissed my W then went home and made love to his wife. Men are "turned on" by A's; one of the surest signs for a women that their man is having an A is more sex at home, the man feels guilty about what he's doing and also horny from his contact with the AP. Do some reading here, or read some books, it's very common.

 

And now into my normal diatribe. Men lie for sex all the time. Men lie for sex more than they tell the truth for sex. "I love you" really means "I will say anything to have sex" most of the time. And that's with 2 single people! When the man is married, the percentage of the time that it's going to be "say anything for sex" increases (from an already high number) dramatically. Why not lie to you about a small detail (I love you, or I'm not sleeping with my wife) when he's lying to his wife about a HUGE detail (I'm getting some sex on the side)? Do you see how little sense this makes. It's like someone telling the truth to a known gossip who's inclined to blackmail and backstab and then lying to priest. It makes no sense; his W isn't getting the truth either (obviously, no mention of you), but she's getting a MUCH MORE ACCURATE version that you are as the AP.

 

So, in short, yes, he's sleeping with her. Probably on the same days he sleeps with you. Perhaps before he sees you (unload the gun), perhaps after (because he's sexually excited by the sex and wants more). But he is; trust us (the men on the board), this is how we operate. If you want sex with NSA and don't care about what you do to his wife/family, by all means, this is a great way to get it. If you want love, or even sexually exclusive access to a man, getting into an A makes about as much sense as flying to Sahara to look for glaciers. It's just not there. And almost certainly will never be. Because it's not how men operate, our primary objective is sex in relationships with women. That can blossom into love, yes, but not when we already have someone in our lives (like a W or even a SO). Affairs for men are almost always about sex. Yes, you get some "good guys in bad situations" here, but they are not the norm, not even close. Just like you get some women here posting that they just wanted some NSA fun and that's why they got into an A. But, absent strong evidence to the contrary, assume men are in an A for sex and women are in an A for an emotional connection. Because that's almost always the case.

 

Well, wow. That's... a strong message you got there.

I honestly felt much more hurt when he told me about the sweet stuff they shared, like pillow fights, cuddling in front of a movie, cooking together.. That's all the stuff I crave for and I'm not allowed to have at the same time.

So the bottom line is: I'd feel hurt if I knew they had sex, but that's not the main thing I spent sleepless nights for.

And my trust in what he says grows when he tells me and a common friend that sex is the main reason they're visiting a psychologist. That even the doctor told them they're more like good friends than husband and wife.

 

Plus, why would he have speak about me with his friends and family? If it was only for sex? Why would he have go into a car accident just because we had had a fight and he was nervous? I mean, the guy bursts into tears everytime we see each other.. Something is wrong here, can you see that?

[travelbug1996]

One thing that you'll find here is that you get advice from people who think they know more about the situation than you do.

 

Trust your own instincts which are probably saying "this is not a healthy situation to be in" "let him work out his issues without you in the picture"

 

You even said yourself you don't want to be the reason he leaves her. Let him leave her on his own and deal with his issues.

 

He is really messed up and you've fallen in love in what 3 months? That is a very short time considering it takes a while to really know a person.

 

What you do know about him so far is that when things get rough HE WILL CHEAT. Like many men. He's a waste of time based on what you describe, especially with the manipulative crying all the time. You want a man or a boy?

[travelbug1996]

Never believe anything a MM says. They are liars. They lie to the woman they promised to love for life, so know that they are lying to you.

[BaileyB]

Well, wow. That's... a strong message you got there.

I honestly felt much more hurt when he told me about the sweet stuff they shared, like pillow fights, cuddling in front of a movie, cooking together.. That's all the stuff I crave for and I'm not allowed to have at the same time.

So the bottom line is: I'd feel hurt if I knew they had sex, but that's not the main thing I spent sleepless nights for.

And my trust in what he says grows when he tells me and a common friend that sex is the main reason they're visiting a psychologist. That even the doctor told them they're more like good friends than husband and wife.

 

Plus, why would he have speak about me with his friends and family? If it was only for sex? Why would he have go into a car accident just because we had had a fight and he was nervous? I mean, the guy bursts into tears everytime we see each other.. Something is wrong here, can you see that?

 

Something is wrong here, and that is the fact that you think a married man is your "boyfriend." Whether they are happily married or not, whether they are having sex or not - he is another woman's husband. YOU, must respect that - even if he doesn't.

 

The other thing that's wrong here is that you have totally convinced yourself that this man loves you. I'm sorry, dear girl, but you shouldn't believe a word this man says...

 

There is something really wrong with an older man who preys on young girls, lies and cheats on his wife, and will tell you anything you want to hear to get sex.

[reboot]

How do you know he spoke about you to his friends and family?

[elaine567]

There is something really wrong with an older man who preys on young girls, lies and cheats on his wife, and will tell you anything you want to hear to get sex.

There is also something terribly wrong with a man w is always in tears when he sees you.

Google "the pity play"

 

“The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness,” Stout says. “It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”

[anika99]

I really appreciated your sharing. Thank you. I honestly can relate to what you're writing, but my fear is mostly about what is happening with the MM. I fear he could be a lost chance, I fear I could regret it. I feel he could be the quiet life everyone wants to have at one point in life. I feel I could easily settle with him. But at the same time I'm not sure I'm already there... He loves me deeply, and instead of being happy about, or feel any relief, I am scared as hell. I feel pressure, I feel insecurity. The other guy is lovely, is kind, he's really trying hard to show me how things could work beetwen us and how much he cares about me. And he's exactly the other side of the coin. He represents all the opposite of settlement, but in a good and relieving way.

 

But in all of this mess, the MM is not letting me my time or room to breathe and think properly, and I don't wanna dump him because I'm on this emotional hell ride and I'm just crapping my pants over what could or couldn't be.. I'm not sure I really explained myself...

 

How on earth do you figure the MM represents a quiet life and settlement? He is the one who is married, cheating, confused, lying (even the most honest cheaters lie) and crying every time you see him. He is the one causing you fear, insecurity and anxiety. He is the one who childishly and selfishly decided to deal with his marital problems by cheating instead of fixing or ending his marriage like a mature adult. He is the one that is hurting you and his wife because he can't be an adult and commit to it.

 

I'm guessing you think he's more settled because he's an older married professor but he is obviously very emotionally immature and selfish. This is evident in his behavior and in the way he treats you. The single guy is probably younger and has less money and status so you think he has less to offer than the MM but you are wrong. The single guy is the one offering you a quiet drama free life. He is the one who could give a life of feeling secure and cared for without confusion and anxiety. Perhaps that's the problem. Perhaps you crave the excitement of drama, perhaps you savor the feeling of pining and longing for something just out of your reach. It's not uncommon for people to feel the most passionate about their most toxic relationships.

 

Everybody in this situation really needs to stop waiting for someone else to make a move and instead really examine themselves and what makes them do what they do. Even the single guy should probably examine why he's emotionally investing himself in a woman who is already involved in a toxic relationship with a married man, instead of finding himself an unencumbered woman who will give herself fully to him. Everybody in your drama are making choices based on their inner issues. Most importantly the MM is not offering you a quiet settled life. Even if he leaves his wife your life with him will not be quiet and settled.

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

Something is wrong here, and that is the fact that you think a married man is your "boyfriend." Whether they are happily married or not, whether they are having sex or not - he is another woman's husband. YOU, must respect that - even if he doesn't.

 

The other thing that's wrong here is that you have totally convinced yourself that this man loves you. I'm sorry, dear girl, but you shouldn't believe a word this man says...

 

There is something really wrong with an older man who preys on young girls, lies and cheats on his wife, and will tell you anything you want to hear to get sex.

 

I can give you this one, but I really want to clarify that my insecurity about what he says comes all from the fact that he is messed up and confused INSIDE HIMSELF in the first place. He doesn't really look like the serial liar and cheater. He surely is messed up, he surely doesn't know what he's going through and he surely can't manage this thing for s**t.

But he's no liar, I can't believe this.

 

How do you know he spoke about you to his friends and family?

 

He.. uhm.. told me.. Jeez, I'm starting to feel stupid.

 

 

How on earth do you figure the MM represents a quiet life and settlement? He is the one who is married, cheating, confused, lying (even the most honest cheaters lie) and crying every time you see him. He is the one causing you fear, insecurity and anxiety. He is the one who childishly and selfishly decided to deal with his marital problems by cheating instead of fixing or ending his marriage like a mature adult. He is the one that is hurting you and his wife because he can't be an adult and commit to it.

 

I'm guessing you think he's more settled because he's an older married professor but he is obviously very emotionally immature and selfish. This is evident in his behavior and in the way he treats you. The single guy is probably younger and has less money and status so you think he has less to offer than the MM but you are wrong. The single guy is the one offering you a quiet drama free life. He is the one who could give a life of feeling secure and cared for without confusion and anxiety. Perhaps that's the problem. Perhaps you crave the excitement of drama, perhaps you savor the feeling of pining and longing for something just out of your reach. It's not uncommon for people to feel the most passionate about their most toxic relationships.

 

Everybody in this situation really needs to stop waiting for someone else to make a move and instead really examine themselves and what makes them do what they do. Even the single guy should probably examine why he's emotionally investing himself in a woman who is already involved in a toxic relationship with a married man, instead of finding himself an unencumbered woman who will give herself fully to him. Everybody in your drama are making choices based on their inner issues. Most importantly the MM is not offering you a quiet settled life. Even if he leaves his wife your life with him will not be quiet and settled.

 

This is exactly where my doubts are starting to come from. I believed I could settle with him for the things we spoke about, for the common things we like, for the things we made projects about, even joking, even knowing it wasn't for real. I believed this because he really made me believe this. Because he really made me believe he was seriously thinking about it too. He said that he wanted those things, that he loved the idea of those things. Then he came back home. And when I started to take my distance he came back with promises and stuff, and I really don't know what to think anymore, because all he can do is talk. Even if he spoke about me to a lot of people (his wife too), he still doesn't seem to be willing to take the next step, and this confuses me on so many levels. I mean, he technically made a step, right? Just talking with someone, just spitting the thing out... I just don't want to give up to the simplest explanation, that he's just a liar who hadn't taste p*ssy for a while and found the young nice girl to prey on...

[BluesPower]

I mean, he technically made a step, right? Just talking with someone, just spitting the thing out... I just don't want to give up to the simplest explanation, that he's just a liar who hadn't taste p*ssy for a while and found the young nice girl to prey on...

 

Yes sugar... this is exactly what he did. And if you allow it he will do it again. If he really wanted to be with you and loved you, he would be with you.

 

And please believe me, I really know what I am talking about. I have used so many women like you over the years, it is just shameful.

 

I am a changed man now, but before I woke up, I was this guy.

 

So yes, he is using you. Time to move on to the new guy who is actually single. Better for everyone...

[Overtaxed]

Never believe anything a MM says. They are liars. They lie to the woman they promised to love for life, so know that they are lying to you.

 

Exactly. Why are you so certain your getting the truth when he's proving his ability, every day, to lie to the women he loved enough to stand in front of friends/family and pledge his life to. It makes no sense. He might feel something for you. He might not. But you can't even begin to think that his words are worth anything because, he's a proven liar. Of course he's lying to you. About the sex with his W, about how he feels about you, about your future together. About all of it. Now, could some of those lies turn into the truth if he were to leave his W to be with you? Yes, they could, but ONLY if he leaves his W. Otherwise, they are hot air. And, if he does leave his W, your chances with him are something like 1 in 10 (of having a happy long term marriage). Why start a relationship on such terrible footing?

[Overtaxed]

Yes sugar... this is exactly what he did. And if you allow it he will do it again. If he really wanted to be with you and loved you, he would be with you.

 

And please believe me, I really know what I am talking about. I have used so many women like you over the years, it is just shameful.

 

I am a changed man now, but before I woke up, I was this guy.

 

So yes, he is using you. Time to move on to the new guy who is actually single. Better for everyone...

 

I was waiting for you Blues.

 

I also speak from experience. I was this guy, but I never "went after" married women, I just didn't care. Doesn't matter though, the pattern/playbook is the same. Say anything, do whatever it takes, over and over again to get sex. And we wouldn't use that playbook but for one very important reason. It works. It's soul destroying (for us and you), it's transparent, and I actually felt myself, after awhile, feeling sorry for the women; how could they fall for it? But they did, again and again. Because, end of the day, most of the sexual interactions between men/women in the beginning of a relationship are based on lies. Add in an A, and the number approaches 100%. He may not even realize he's lying, he does feel like he loves you, but he doesn't really know what that even means. But, please, listen to the men here who've been the guy you're dating, I beg you, don't ascribe your feelings to him. He almost certainly does not have them. His feelings for you are sexual, not emotional. Doesn't make them bad or wrong, but the lying to you does. Unfortunately, for men, telling you what we really think isn't an option (I'd like to have some sex outside my marriage with you when I feel like it and give you some compliments to make you feel good). So we lie. And in an A, we lie non-stop.