My boyfriend is married, and now another guy is in my life [long read]

[Gr8fuln2020]

I wish you well in whatever future relationship you may have. Just remember how unconcerned you were when you dated this married man. If your bf or husband ever does this, please remember just how unimportant it is that the other person, woman may be destroying your hopes, dreams, relationship. The only difference may be that the OW may not truly know....you did from the start.

 

Sorry, but non-judgmental posters is not what you need. You need to get the h*ll away from him and have some respect for the wife and their relationship.

[Bufo]

If he has told his wife all about you and the A you are free to contact her and verify what he says. Tell Professor Pecker that you plan to do so and watch his reaction. That will tell you everything you need to know.

 

Just have a plan to enact when you find out he has been lying to you.

 

I don't know if you have see. Some of my old posts under thempseudonMe of Professor Bufo. (Appropriate isn't it?). Here is your homework assignment.

Read any 10'threads by OW. Count how many turn out favorably versus how many turn out unfavorably. Then ask yourself why you can beat the odds with this A. If you don't like the results, pick another 10'threads and repeat the assignment.

[aileD]

But he's no liar, I can't believe this.

 

 

Oh!!!!! I guess his wife knows all about you then? OF COURSE HES A LIAR. That's how you cheat, you lie.

 

Listen. Bottom line: He's married therefore he should be off the table as an option for you.

 

You can makes excuses all you want --

 

He's messed up

He told his family

They're like roommates

 

They're all just excuses the are not going to change the fact that he is MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE. if you want a relationship with him you have two options:

 

-wish him well and tell him to look you up when his divorces is final because you're not the type of girl to be a mistress

 

Or-

 

-be a mistress. But you have to follow the mistress rules. You can't ask for more, accept the crumbs he can give you, never get upset, always be ready for sex and for him to never stay after it, expect him never to be at anything important to you in your life, expect never to get married or have kids with him, and accept his silence when his wife finds out and he tells her you're a crazy obsessed stalker.

 

 

Good luck!

[BaileyB]

My insecurity about what he says comes all from the fact that he is messed up and confused INSIDE HIMSELF in the first place. He doesn't really look like the serial liar and cheater.

 

He's no liar, I can't believe this.

 

He.. uhm.. told me.. Jeez, I'm starting to feel stupid.

 

Well, my first thought is - who cares if he is messed up and confused INSIDE HIMSELF? First, it's his problem if he is messed up and confused inside himself. He's not going to find the answer with you and it's not your problem to fix. More importantly, do you really want to be with someone who is so messed up and confused inside himself? Seriously, he cries when he sees you... Yuck!

 

As for the lying... Well, let's see.... has he told his wife that he is banging a student? I don't think that I need to say anymore, why you would ever trust this man is beyond me...

[whichwayisup]

Do your friends and family know your boyfriend is married? And if they do know, are your parents truly OK with you having an affair with a MM? Do they have children?

 

He doesn't really look like the serial liar and cheater.

 

Liars and cheaters can look like anybody. They aren't gender specific. Liars and cheaters can be good looking or they can be ugly. There's NO WAY you can tell by looking at someone if they 'look' like a cheater/liar.

 

 

He surely is messed up, he surely doesn't know what he's going through and he surely can't manage this thing for s**t.

But he's no liar, I can't believe this.

 

He has you fooled. Big time. I'm sorry but you're going to be a in world of pain soon enough.

[BaileyB]

Do your friends and family know your boyfriend is married? And if they do know, are your parents truly OK with you having an affair with a MM?

 

Good point. Is your boyfriend the only person why is lying about this situation... Or, has he turned you into someone who lies, whether purposefully or by omission, too...

[whichwayisup]

Good point. Is your boyfriend the only person why is lying about this situation... Or, has he turned you into someone who lies, whether purposefully or by omission, too...

 

Oh one more thing. Fact that he is also your professor, do your friends and family know this as well?

 

It is a conflict of interest, if other students in your class find out you're dating the prof, they will go complain especially if you get an A in that class. Regardless if you earned that A or not, due to the circumstances it's unprofessional and just not right.

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

Oh one more thing. Fact that he is also your professor, do your friends and family know this as well?

 

It is a conflict of interest, if other students in your class find out you're dating the prof, they will go complain especially if you get an A in that class. Regardless if you earned that A or not, due to the circumstances it's unprofessional and just not right.

 

Yes, my family and friends know about him. The whole thing. I'm lucky enough to have people around me who are more worried than upset. Who are concerned about the fact that I could suffer deeply and be left alone without any option.

 

Well, my first thought is - who cares if he is messed up and confused INSIDE HIMSELF? First, it's his problem if he is messed up and confused inside himself. He's not going to find the answer with you and it's not your problem to fix. More importantly, do you really want to be with someone who is so messed up and confused inside himself? Seriously, he cries when he sees you... Yuck!

 

As for the lying... Well, let's see.... has he told his wife that he is banging a student? I don't think that I need to say anymore, why you would ever trust this man is beyond me...

 

No I don't think she knows I am one of his students. Would it make any difference? I think it could turn more on her side, since she could think it's just something meaningless, something made just for the fun (which again, started like this but evolved the way is now).

BTW, I have an update for everyone who is kindly following this topic.

 

Yesterday he came here at my place. We spoke for hours, and he dropped this bomb to me. Now, I know well enough a lot of you guys is going to tell me this is another one of his bulls*it lines, another excuse, but I honestly don't think this thing he told me could to any benefit to him or his wife or his marriage.

 

When we started to discuss about his problematic sexual life in the marriage, he told me (and it was very hard for him to tell) that his wife was a virgin before the marriage. For religious beliefs, she said. Now, where I come from this is very uncommon, so I was a bit shocked. But I swallowed the thing and moved on, it's a personal choiche and I'm no one to judge or point my finger.

 

But guys, what he told me yesterday goes beyond. She STILL IS a virgin. They never arrived to have a complete intercourse due to her fear to do so. She just clutch her legs and starts panicking. She fears the pain, she refuses any contact that goes beyond the bare touching.

And yes, he asked her many times if she had had any bad experience in her past or childhood. She says no, but she also refused any kind of therapy or medical support/visit.

 

Now, I'm in shock. And I may be a naive one, but I really don't see how this is a lie of some sort put on the plate for whatsoever reason. Why would he tell me that after FIVE years he could never go too far with her? Just to get pity out of me? "Poor man, no sex for five years, he's so respectful and he deserves a medal. Such a hero". Come on. Let's get our s*it real here. One of my mom's friends was like this, and her husband he's the best client in town for any hooker who's available at the moment. So I have proof that women like this exist and insist in wanting a marriage. I just want to punch her in the face right now. Very hard.

 

And yes, this changes everything to me. I just want him to run away as fast as possible from this crap thing. Even if he doesn't end up with me. Even if it's just for his own sake and happiness.

[Timshel]

BTW, I have an update for everyone who is kindly following this topic.

 

But guys, what he told me yesterday goes beyond. She STILL IS a virgin. They never arrived to have a complete intercourse due to her fear to do so. She just clutch her legs and starts panicking. She fears the pain, she refuses any contact that goes beyond the bare touching.

And yes, he asked her many times if she had had any bad experience in her past or childhood. She says no, but she also refused any kind of therapy or medical support/visit.

 

Now, I'm in shock. And I may be a naive one, but I really don't see how this is a lie of some sort put on the plate for whatsoever reason. Why would he tell me that after FIVE years he could never go too far with her? Just to get pity out of me? "Poor man, no sex for five years, he's so respectful and he deserves a medal. Such a hero". Come on. Let's get our s*it real here. One of my mom's friends was like this, and her husband he's the best client in town for any hooker who's available at the moment. So I have proof that women like this exist and insist in wanting a marriage. I just want to punch her in the face right now. Very hard.

And yes, this changes everything to me. I just want him to run away as fast as possible from this crap thing. Even if he doesn't end up with me. Even if it's just for his own sake and happiness.

 

Ok, tell him to run away, because a grown man needs for you to say that in order for him to do so. Absolutely follow through with this sentiment and for his own sake, tell him to run far and fast...without you.

 

Thinking about punching his WIFE in her face....*very hard* based on what he told you sounds like something Amy Fisher probably said.

 

I have some beachfront property in Idaho that I can sell you for pennies on the dollar.

 

That's all from me.

[BaileyB]

Yes, my family and friends know about him. The whole thing. I'm lucky enough to have people around me who are more worried than upset. Who are concerned about the fact that I could suffer deeply and be left alone without any option.

 

 

 

No I don't think she knows I am one of his students. Would it make any difference? I think it could turn more on her side, since she could think it's just something meaningless, something made just for the fun (which again, started like this but evolved the way is now).

BTW, I have an update for everyone who is kindly following this topic.

 

Yesterday he came here at my place. We spoke for hours, and he dropped this bomb to me. Now, I know well enough a lot of you guys is going to tell me this is another one of his bulls*it lines, another excuse, but I honestly don't think this thing he told me could to any benefit to him or his wife or his marriage.

 

When we started to discuss about his problematic sexual life in the marriage, he told me (and it was very hard for him to tell) that his wife was a virgin before the marriage. For religious beliefs, she said. Now, where I come from this is very uncommon, so I was a bit shocked. But I swallowed the thing and moved on, it's a personal choiche and I'm no one to judge or point my finger.

 

But guys, what he told me yesterday goes beyond. She STILL IS a virgin. They never arrived to have a complete intercourse due to her fear to do so. She just clutch her legs and starts panicking. She fears the pain, she refuses any contact that goes beyond the bare touching.

And yes, he asked her many times if she had had any bad experience in her past or childhood. She says no, but she also refused any kind of therapy or medical support/visit.

 

Now, I'm in shock. And I may be a naive one, but I really don't see how this is a lie of some sort put on the plate for whatsoever reason. Why would he tell me that after FIVE years he could never go too far with her? Just to get pity out of me? "Poor man, no sex for five years, he's so respectful and he deserves a medal. Such a hero". Come on. Let's get our s*it real here. One of my mom's friends was like this, and her husband he's the best client in town for any hooker who's available at the moment. So I have proof that women like this exist and insist in wanting a marriage. I just want to punch her in the face right now. Very hard.

 

And yes, this changes everything to me. I just want him to run away as fast as possible from this crap thing. Even if he doesn't end up with me. Even if it's just for his own sake and happiness.

 

WHO CARES? What happens in their marriage, is between these two people.

 

You do not belong in their marriage. He does not belong to you.

 

If he wants to change the situation, he will change it!

 

And, if you believe what he's telling you... Well, you deserve exactly what you get from this man...

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

WHO CARES? What happens in their marriage, is between these two people.

 

You do not belong in their marriage. He does not belong to you.

 

If he wants to change the situation, he will change it!

 

And, if you believe what he's telling you... Well, you deserve exactly what you get from this man...

 

But of course I care, why shouldn't I?! Do not I myself care about him? If I acknowledge he's been living in pain and discomfort for his past five years I tend to care! Seriously, I'm not trying to provoke or anything but i genuinely don't understand why you people are so stubborn in thinking that he is just a liar and I shouldn't care about what happens in his life. Based on what? A wedding ring? The legal and religious agreement between two people who have never even had what they are supposed to have by what basic laws of nature say?

 

I may be naive, I may be arrogant and whatsoever, but I'm SINCERLY having a hard time understanding your point.

[JuneL]

OP: You mentioned that you are an art student. By deduction, this married man who is your professor and whom you have been having an affair with is an art professor. Just curious: Is there a chance he's teaching script writing catered for naive young girls?

[reboot]

I will give him style points for a helluva great story.

[JuneL]

Your family and friends know about your affair with this married professor, and none of them came forward and report him to your university??

[BaileyB]

But of course I care, why shouldn't I?! Do not I myself care about him? If I acknowledge he's been living in pain and discomfort for his past five years I tend to care! Seriously, I'm not trying to provoke or anything but i genuinely don't understand why you people are so stubborn in thinking that he is just a liar and I shouldn't care about what happens in his life. Based on what? A wedding ring? The legal and religious agreement between two people who have never even had what they are supposed to have by what basic laws of nature say?

 

I may be naive, I may be arrogant and whatsoever, but I'm SINCERLY having a hard time understanding your point.

 

You are WAY too involved in his life and his marriage.

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

OP: You mentioned that you are an art student. By deduction, this married man who is your professor and whom you have been having an affair with is an art professor. Just curious: Is there a chance he's teaching script writing catered for naive young girls?

 

Yeah, whatever. Sorry to disappoint you, he teaches IT, I'm not going into anymore details 'cause I'm not here to be picked on in what could be true or not. I don't care. I didn't came here to speak about this, I came here because I felt torn between two people I care about. And one of them has a situation that I'm not being able to manage the way I thought. I'm maybe not strong enough or experienced enough. And that's it. Jesus, don't you people have nothing better to do than go into this obsessive troll hunt?

 

Your family and friends know about your affair with this married professor, and none of them came forward and report him to your university??

 

And would they? I'm not underaged, what's the problem in being involved with someone at the workplace or like in this case at the university. This is not the first time something like this happens. Plus, he's young enough and I'm old enough not to make this thing creepy.

[BaileyB]

This is not the first time something like this happens. Plus, he's young enough and I'm old enough not to make this thing creepy.

 

No, it's not. My boyfriend is an instructor at a local college. There are certain instructors who have a reputation for doing this kind of thing, with students. They develop a certain kind of reputation, among the other instructors. There are also certain students who seek these instructors out and/or welcome the advances of the instructors. These girls have a certain reputation at the school too...

 

Look, it's your life and your decision. Back to your original question, date the single guy. He is at the very least, not married to another woman. You have a much better chance of being happier with this other guy, if for no other reason than he is not married to another woman.

[elaine567]

People here are trying to make you see that this is just common MM talk.

I am not having sex with my wife, we are in separate bedrooms, we are room mates only, I am in the guest bedroom, we haven't had sex for years... etc. etc. all designed to make the OW think he is only having sex with her. Few women really want to hear that he is having sex with his wife and then having sex with her, the ick factor kicks in. Better to think he never has sex with his wife or very rarely, so that is what he tells the OW.

 

"My wife is still a virgin" is just a variation on the theme, that is why no-one thinks he is telling the truth.. Ask any BS and the sex is often still very much on the table, he sleeps in the marital bed, and sometimes they are even having the best sex of their marriage whilst he is having an affair.

Affairs are often about extra and variation.

 

If his wife is still a virgin then why hasn't he got the marriage annulled if he has been/is so miserable?

 

Nothing wrong with workplace relationships most of the time, but do your family know he is married and lives with his wife?

[travelbug1996]

His wife is a virgin!

 

HE IS LYING ONCE AGAIN AND CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE EATING IT UP.

 

PLEASE don't believe anything married men say. The more you believe his words the more entangled you will get.

 

His wife is probably not a virgin. ijs

 

If he's so unhappy why hasn't he left her? And when is he planning to leave her?

Edited June 4, 2017 by travelbug1996

[anika99]

I can give you this one, but I really want to clarify that my insecurity about what he says comes all from the fact that he is messed up and confused INSIDE HIMSELF in the first place. He doesn't really look like the serial liar and cheater. He surely is messed up, he surely doesn't know what he's going through and he surely can't manage this thing for s**t.

But he's no liar, I can't believe this.

 

 

 

He.. uhm.. told me.. Jeez, I'm starting to feel stupid.

 

 

 

 

This is exactly where my doubts are starting to come from. I believed I could settle with him for the things we spoke about, for the common things we like, for the things we made projects about, even joking, even knowing it wasn't for real. I believed this because he really made me believe this. Because he really made me believe he was seriously thinking about it too. He said that he wanted those things, that he loved the idea of those things. Then he came back home. And when I started to take my distance he came back with promises and stuff, and I really don't know what to think anymore, because all he can do is talk. Even if he spoke about me to a lot of people (his wife too), he still doesn't seem to be willing to take the next step, and this confuses me on so many levels. I mean, he technically made a step, right? Just talking with someone, just spitting the thing out... I just don't want to give up to the simplest explanation, that he's just a liar who hadn't taste p*ssy for a while and found the young nice girl to prey on...

 

Umm...I never said he was liar who hadn't tasted p&ssy for a while and found a young girl to prey on. Why does it have to be that extreme to make you walk away? Why aren't the facts enough? He's married, he's emotionally unstable (crying everytime you see him) he's confused and messed up, he's controlling and demanding (not giving you your space and time, becoming angry at you for dating when he himself is married), he's a cheater, and he doesn't appear to be taking any real steps other than telling you things that may or may not be true and that you can't verify. That all spells trouble, a perfect recipe for a toxic unhealthy relationship. Their are huge neon signs flashing that this affair is unhealthy yet you will walk away only if he turns out to be a liar on the hunt for easy p$ssy?

 

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. He was not a bad man, as a matter of fact he was a really good guy in most respects. Yet his alcoholism brought much dysfunction into our relationship. I couldn't rely on him, he was irresponsible, bad with money, would disappear without notice to go on a drinking binge, he was moody, sometimes embarrassing, sometimes childish. I responded to his drama and all the uncertainty of what would happen next by becoming insecure, anxious, angry and depressed. He was not an evil person, he was not trying to cause me unhappiness. I loved him and he loved me but our relationship was unhealthy. It hurt a ton to leave and I never thought he was a bad person but I knew it was for the best.

 

Your affair is unhealthy. It has bad written all over it. What difference does it make why he decided to cheat? Even if he's got good qualities and he's sincere in his feelings for you, it's still a bad situation. Why hang onto a bad relationship when you have a single guy who doesn't come with baggage and toxicity of the married man?

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

If his wife is still a virgin then why hasn't he got the marriage annulled if he has been/is so miserable?

 

I know for sure he looked up to see how that works with church, because he was very informed about costs and time lapses.

 

Also, I've never, in one of my posts, told that this man doesn't care about his wife. It's quite the opposite. He has a great affection towards her, he tries to understand, he's been on her side for all of these 5 years. He took the blame for many things I, in his shoes, hadn't take blame for, and he never wanted to rush things, to put pressures of any kind. He has been reasonable and comprehensive, he's been kind. And even if he suffers deeply he still preserves what he feels for her. He doesn't speak about love the way Disney characters portait it, but there is a great affection between these two. That's why things got out of hand...

 

Nothing wrong with workplace relationships most of the time, but do your family know he is married and lives with his wife?

 

They do. Do you wanna know what my father told me when I confessed the thing? He went and: "Look. I have a rough idea of how things in this world work. The only thing that I ask you, is not to make me a grandfather with a MM".

My mother was more like "I know what you're going through, I've been there myself. If you think it's worth, go ahead. Just be careful and prepare to suffer." As I already wrote, maybe I'm lucky enough to have a family that understands and tries to go deeper into problems and things before just judging around.

Edited June 4, 2017 by ClickcClickBoomBoom

[anika99]

Yes, my family and friends know about him. The whole thing. I'm lucky enough to have people around me who are more worried than upset. Who are concerned about the fact that I could suffer deeply and be left alone without any option.

 

 

 

No I don't think she knows I am one of his students. Would it make any difference? I think it could turn more on her side, since she could think it's just something meaningless, something made just for the fun (which again, started like this but evolved the way is now).

BTW, I have an update for everyone who is kindly following this topic.

 

Yesterday he came here at my place. We spoke for hours, and he dropped this bomb to me. Now, I know well enough a lot of you guys is going to tell me this is another one of his bulls*it lines, another excuse, but I honestly don't think this thing he told me could to any benefit to him or his wife or his marriage.

 

When we started to discuss about his problematic sexual life in the marriage, he told me (and it was very hard for him to tell) that his wife was a virgin before the marriage. For religious beliefs, she said. Now, where I come from this is very uncommon, so I was a bit shocked. But I swallowed the thing and moved on, it's a personal choiche and I'm no one to judge or point my finger.

 

But guys, what he told me yesterday goes beyond. She STILL IS a virgin. They never arrived to have a complete intercourse due to her fear to do so. She just clutch her legs and starts panicking. She fears the pain, she refuses any contact that goes beyond the bare touching.

And yes, he asked her many times if she had had any bad experience in her past or childhood. She says no, but she also refused any kind of therapy or medical support/visit.

 

Now, I'm in shock. And I may be a naive one, but I really don't see how this is a lie of some sort put on the plate for whatsoever reason. Why would he tell me that after FIVE years he could never go too far with her? Just to get pity out of me? "Poor man, no sex for five years, he's so respectful and he deserves a medal. Such a hero". Come on. Let's get our s*it real here. One of my mom's friends was like this, and her husband he's the best client in town for any hooker who's available at the moment. So I have proof that women like this exist and insist in wanting a marriage. I just want to punch her in the face right now. Very hard.

 

And yes, this changes everything to me. I just want him to run away as fast as possible from this crap thing. Even if he doesn't end up with me. Even if it's just for his own sake and happiness.

 

Why do you want to punch his wife in the face because she has a serious psychological problem?

 

Also you say he told you she's refused all therapy and medical help yet twice already in this thread you have referenced him telling you you they are getting professional help. You mentioned a marriage consultant and a psychologist. So is she refusing all help? Doesn't sound like it to me.

 

You can care all you want but you can't change or fix it. It's still their marriage and its up to him to either fix it or end it. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here and assuming his story is true but don't be surprised if his "virgin" wife turns up pregnant.

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

Why do you want to punch his wife in the face because she has a serious psychological problem?

 

Also you say he told you she's refused all therapy and medical help yet twice already in this thread you have referenced him telling you you they are getting professional help. You mentioned a marriage consultant and a psychologist. So is she refusing all help? Doesn't sound like it to me.

 

 

Dude, are you serious? Like in FIVE years, knowing she had psychological issue, the very first time she accepts to go to a consultant is when the walls of her marriage are closing in? When her husband threatens to leave her for good? When he reaches the height of unhappiness? I mean, don't you think it's JUST A BIT selfish to marry someone and take for granted that he's gonna accept that you don't want sex in your life? Considering they talked a lot about it, and that the only excuse she could hide behind was the religious topic? Like, yeah, I'm sorry, but I still want to punch her in the face. Because it was her precise duty to at least try to solve her problem. Before they took this step. And when she realized she still suffered from this thing, even after the marriage, she should have accepted the offer to get some help. Not dragging someone into your spyral of problems and pretend everything is fine just because you still share supper and friends.

[anika99]

Again, it is their marriage and you have no place in it. He has duty to either repair his marriage or end it. It was selfish of him to drag another person into this. I have been in relationships that had big problems or that were unhealthy for me, so I ended them. I didn't childishly think cheating was going to help. He needs to grow up and be a man.

 

There are a lot of people in this world with severe issues that they have a very difficult time facing. It's extremely scary to tackle mental issues, terrifying in fact. We don't deal with mentally ill people by punching them in the face.

[Popsicle]

I hope he gave you an A in the class....