My boyfriend is married, and now another guy is in my life [long read]

[anika99]

Now, to everyone who has asked why I don't speak directly to the wife:

 

I've asked that to him many times, from the start. That's why I like to understand things, even if sometimes the road to do is is getting involved in crazy stuff. He refuses to let me speak to her, he just says she wouldn't understand properly. Plus, as I said before, she's the childish kind of person who just switch to another room or gets out of the house when the discussion is leading to something she doesn't want to hear. So I don't even think she would like to hear a single thing from me at all.

 

And the above is what makes everything you say about his wife null and void. It's like me walking around spouting off about some famous person like I know them. Imagine listening to someone going on and on about what a bitch Kim kardashian is to her husband, talking about how she does this and says that, etc. And when you ask that person how in the world can they possibly know her private life behind closed doors they say "oh I know it's true because I read all about it in a magazine"

 

You don't have to have a long conversation with his wife. Just a quick chat to make sure you are both getting the same story.

[JuneL]

And you certainly don't need your married professor affair partner's permission to talk to his wife.

 

Would you believe it if your married professor affair partner told you his wife has as many legs as an octopus?

[somanymistakes]

I understand being reluctant to talk to the wife directly because she'll freak out or bite your/his head off, but you can still confirm at least some of what he's saying by talking to other people who know them. Or, if you're good at snooping, by seeing what he says and does when he's not around you... or at the least, by listening to what he says when he talks to her directly. Have you ever heard him talk to her on the phone, or seen them together? Seen pictures of them?

 

If your only viewpoint on his life is what he tells you, he could tell you anything.

[elaine567]

If your only viewpoint on his life is what he tells you, he could tell you anything.

 

Exactly.

 

OP, you have to start seeing this through the eyes of the affair.

This is not normal friendship or a normal relationship, this is a MM cheating on his wife. YOU cannot therefore take what he says as the gospel truth.

You need to step back from "hating" on his wife, as she may be very far from the ogre he has painted her as.

Of course he doesn't want you phoning her, as she probably as no idea you even exist and even if she does, he definitely doesn't want you swapping stories with her.

You may find she has a far different story to tell here and then where would he be???

 

He needs to juggle the two of you and keep each in the dark, letting you speak to the wife is then of course a no no.

[whichwayisup]

Now, to everyone who has asked why I don't speak directly to the wife:

 

I've asked that to him many times, from the start. That's why I like to understand things, even if sometimes the road to do is is getting involved in crazy stuff. He refuses to let me speak to her, he just says she wouldn't understand properly. Plus, as I said before, she's the childish kind of person who just switch to another room or gets out of the house when the discussion is leading to something she doesn't want to hear. So I don't even think she would like to hear a single thing from me at all.

 

If you believe this, your MM certainly has you manipulated. You only know what you know about her from HIM. He is painting her in the worst possible light and making himself into a victim. He's not. He's the liar and cheater having an affair behind her back. If you believe she knows about you and the affair you're fooling yourself and in for a huge shock. He's lying to you!

 

I'm pretty sure if you actually spoke to her, heard her side what what their marriage is like it would be the complete opposite picture that he's painted for you.

[BaileyB]

It is clear that you enjoy the attention and the drama of it all...

 

If you really want to know the truth about his marriage, if you ever want to be more than this man's "side-chick," you should call his wife. The reality of the situation will likely become very clear to you, very quickly.

[somanymistakes]

If you believe this, your MM certainly has you manipulated. You only know what you know about her from HIM. He is painting her in the worst possible light and making himself into a victim. He's not. He's the liar and cheater having an affair behind her back. If you believe she knows about you and the affair you're fooling yourself and in for a huge shock. He's lying to you!

 

I'm pretty sure if you actually spoke to her, heard her side what what their marriage is like it would be the complete opposite picture that he's painted for you.

 

To the OP, not the person I'm replying to: (so the 'yous' don't get confused)

 

Devil's advocate (aren't we all, in here?) to say that if the MM can lie, the wife can lie as well. You can't necessarily trust either of them to be telling you the complete truth, both of them might have reasons to mislead you.

 

If you want to know what's really going on, you need to be aware of your information sources and how reliable they are, and find ways of checking that information that doesn't rely solely on a single person who might have an agenda.

 

What seems suspicious to me, though, is that you say he "refuses" to let you speak to his wife. That might be just a weird word choice on your part, I know not everyone has the same level of English here. But the way you say that makes it sound like he's actively afraid of you talking to his wife.

 

If it's just that she "wouldn't understand" why would he need to stop you from trying? Might as well let you try and see that it's hopeless yourself.

 

If he specifically doesn't want you to try, why do you think that might be? What is he afraid of?

[BaileyB]

When he "refuses to let you talk to his wife," isn't that standard married man talk for - I want you to stay in your place, be happy with what I offer, and don't question or ask for anything more.

 

I mean, what married man would ever enourage their affair partner to contact their wife... Affairs thrive on excitement, develop in secrecy, and everyone must play their role. The other woman is not generally encouraged to ask questions, cause trouble, or demand anything more than is offered.

 

The only reason that he doesn't want you to talk to his wife is because he wants to keep you hidden, he does not plan to leave her, and he does not want you to cause him any trouble.

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

To the OP, not the person I'm replying to: (so the 'yous' don't get confused)

 

Devil's advocate (aren't we all, in here?) to say that if the MM can lie, the wife can lie as well. You can't necessarily trust either of them to be telling you the complete truth, both of them might have reasons to mislead you.

 

If you want to know what's really going on, you need to be aware of your information sources and how reliable they are, and find ways of checking that information that doesn't rely solely on a single person who might have an agenda.

 

What seems suspicious to me, though, is that you say he "refuses" to let you speak to his wife. That might be just a weird word choice on your part, I know not everyone has the same level of English here. But the way you say that makes it sound like he's actively afraid of you talking to his wife.

 

If it's just that she "wouldn't understand" why would he need to stop you from trying? Might as well let you try and see that it's hopeless yourself.

 

If he specifically doesn't want you to try, why do you think that might be? What is he afraid of?

 

 

Well, as bad as my English can be, you got that right XD

 

Anyway, yesterday I followed one of the advices I got from one of you guys. And I digged deeper. I went and read the texts he exchanged with her in the past few days. It came out he wrote her a letter, an email, that I had his consent to read. It actually said exactly what he had told me so far, except for the last part, where it sounded like he wanted time for himself even though he hoped to find her at the end of the path. He basically explained his reasons for the affair and the suffering he's going through, and wanted her to be on his side during this time of confusion. He admitted for the first time he lied to me about this, since everything he said in the past few days was that he wanted to leave her for sure.

Anyway, this morning he accepted to take time for himself FOR REAL and he left the house. He's currently at his mother's place (his mother knows about me since this morning, 'cause he had to justify the staying at her place).

 

I'm gonna take a few days for myself too, I want to stay away from the two of them for a while.

[BaileyB]

He basically explained his reasons for the affair and the suffering he's going through, and wanted her to be on his side during this time of confusion.

 

He admitted for the first time he lied to me about this, since everything he said in the past few days was that he wanted to leave her for sure.

 

I'm gonna take a few days for myself too, I want to stay away from the two of them for a while.

 

So, it would seem that he is capable of lying to you after all... I wonder what else he has lied about?

 

However, that does sound like a good plan. You really need to take a big step back.

 

He sounds like a real idiot. He's admitted to the affair but then asked her to feel sorry for him because he is confused and suffering... Why would anyone put up with this nonsense?

[elaine567]

He cries to you looking for your pity, and he cries to her looking for her pity. As I mentioned before the best indicator of a sociopath is the pity play..

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

So, it would seem that he is capable of lying to you after all... I wonder what else he has lied about?

 

However, that does sound like a good plan. You really need to take a big step back.

 

He sounds like a real idiot. He's admitted to the affair but then asked her to feel sorry for him because he is confused and suffering... Why would anyone put up with this nonsense?

 

Yeah, this thing is actually putting brakes to my enthusiasm.

By now, my heart is spinning, I'm super happy that he went away from home. But I am also afraid. There are things that came out from the email and texts that I still have to collocate into a timeline that is not exactly the same he has spoke to me about.

This is scaring the hell out of me. Am I just a wayout from his marriage? Maybe he's just clumpsy, speaking about me to evryone, but can he also be THIS liar he's looking like from very recent events? I really don't know what to think anymore. Maybe I just don't want to accept the fact that I mistook this person's personality so bad.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, this thing is actually putting brakes to my enthusiasm.

By now, my heart is spinning, I'm super happy that he went away from home. But I am also afraid. There are things that came out from the email and texts that I still have to collocate into a timeline that is not exactly the same he has spoke to me about.

This is scaring the hell out of me. Am I just a wayout from his marriage? Maybe he's just clumpsy, speaking about me to evryone, but can he also be THIS liar he's looking like from very recent events? I really don't know what to think anymore. Maybe I just don't want to accept the fact that I mistook this person's personality so bad.

 

It's the old saying, never trust someone who will cheat and lie.

 

Save yourself a lot of pain and grief, walk away. Don't stay and hang onto someone or something that is unhealthy because your stubborn pride won't let you admit that you made a mistake and trusted the wrong person.

[aileD]

Can I offer a suggestion that may not be popular to you?

 

From my own story and stories here, I really would suggest you take a lot of time. Like until he's actually divorced. Or st least has the paperwork filed. Or you confirm with the wife she's done too.

 

Because, as in my life (I'm a BS) and the many many stories here .....just because they leave the house , it doesn't mean they're going to stay gone. (Yes it happens, see cocorio story but it's rare). Many times they either go back and forth, or they realIze they actually don't like being apart from their family. They miss their kids, money and yes sometimes their life with their wife.

 

If you really want a future with him.....really take time to be respectful of the end of his marriage if that's the course he's going . They have years together and deserve to figure out the end without all the drama and stress of someone else involved. Especially if there are kids you may someday be a part of their lives.

 

This is it. He will either choose to move forward with you or choose to go home and Work on his marriage. Please please for your own mental health---if he goes back to his wife.....don't be his side chick anymore. It will just condition him and teach him that he can have both and then you will be stuck in a cycle and you will never be happy .

 

 

Good luck

[anika99]

Well, as bad as my English can be, you got that right XD

 

Anyway, yesterday I followed one of the advices I got from one of you guys. And I digged deeper. I went and read the texts he exchanged with her in the past few days. It came out he wrote her a letter, an email, that I had his consent to read. It actually said exactly what he had told me so far, except for the last part, where it sounded like he wanted time for himself even though he hoped to find her at the end of the path. He basically explained his reasons for the affair and the suffering he's going through, and wanted her to be on his side during this time of confusion. He admitted for the first time he lied to me about this, since everything he said in the past few days was that he wanted to leave her for sure.

Anyway, this morning he accepted to take time for himself FOR REAL and he left the house. He's currently at his mother's place (his mother knows about me since this morning, 'cause he had to justify the staying at her place).

 

I'm gonna take a few days for myself too, I want to stay away from the two of them for a while.

 

In the email to his wife explaining the reasons for his affair did he say the reason is because she has never, even one time, had sex with him? I mean that's the sole reason he gave you for his cheating so he must have mentioned the total lack of sex in the email he sent to his wife right?

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, this thing is actually putting brakes to my enthusiasm.

By now, my heart is spinning, I'm super happy that he went away from home. But I am also afraid. There are things that came out from the email and texts that I still have to collocate into a timeline that is not exactly the same he has spoke to me about.

This is scaring the hell out of me. Am I just a wayout from his marriage? Maybe he's just clumpsy, speaking about me to evryone, but can he also be THIS liar he's looking like from very recent events? I really don't know what to think anymore. Maybe I just don't want to accept the fact that I mistook this person's personality so bad.

 

Sadly for you (or maybe it's a blessing) the rose coloured glasses you see him through are becoming more clear and real. You now see he IS actually capable of pulling off lies and doing it well. It's a fact that ALL MM and MW lie to their affair partners and to their spouses at home.

 

You love him and of course your emotions and heart want to believe everything he tells you. Take a big step back and see things from other angles and sides...Doing that will open your eyes more and make you see that your situation isn't as special as you thought it was and you'll also see he's far from perfect. See his wife as a woman, as an equal, not just an enemy who is with the guy you want. Show her some compassion and put yourself in her shoes. Imagine your husband doing this behind your back and leading on some younger woman/student of his. Ask yourself how you'd feel. Be honest.

 

They built a LIFE together, they have family and friends entwined. They celebrate holidays, birthdays and vacations together. Their marriage IS a marriage and I think there are a lot more omissions of truths that you aren't aware of.

 

I think you should talk to her, hear her side. Tell her what he's said to you about her and their marriage. You'll be in shock by her answers. Guaranteed!

[whichwayisup]

Can I offer a suggestion that may not be popular to you?

 

From my own story and stories here, I really would suggest you take a lot of time. Like until he's actually divorced. Or st least has the paperwork filed. Or you confirm with the wife she's done too.

 

Because, as in my life (I'm a BS) and the many many stories here .....just because they leave the house , it doesn't mean they're going to stay gone. (Yes it happens, see cocorio story but it's rare). Many times they either go back and forth, or they realIze they actually don't like being apart from their family. They miss their kids, money and yes sometimes their life with their wife.

 

If you really want a future with him.....really take time to be respectful of the end of his marriage if that's the course he's going . They have years together and deserve to figure out the end without all the drama and stress of someone else involved. Especially if there are kids you may someday be a part of their lives.

 

This is it. He will either choose to move forward with you or choose to go home and Work on his marriage. Please please for your own mental health---if he goes back to his wife.....don't be his side chick anymore. It will just condition him and teach him that he can have both and then you will be stuck in a cycle and you will never be happy .

 

 

Good luck

 

This is the best advice. I hope you really sit and take it in.

[ClickcClickBoomBoom]

Can I offer a suggestion that may not be popular to you?

 

From my own story and stories here, I really would suggest you take a lot of time. Like until he's actually divorced. Or st least has the paperwork filed. Or you confirm with the wife she's done too.

 

Because, as in my life (I'm a BS) and the many many stories here .....just because they leave the house , it doesn't mean they're going to stay gone. (Yes it happens, see cocorio story but it's rare). Many times they either go back and forth, or they realIze they actually don't like being apart from their family. They miss their kids, money and yes sometimes their life with their wife.

 

If you really want a future with him.....really take time to be respectful of the end of his marriage if that's the course he's going . They have years together and deserve to figure out the end without all the drama and stress of someone else involved. Especially if there are kids you may someday be a part of their lives.

 

This is it. He will either choose to move forward with you or choose to go home and Work on his marriage. Please please for your own mental health---if he goes back to his wife.....don't be his side chick anymore. It will just condition him and teach him that he can have both and then you will be stuck in a cycle and you will never be happy .

 

 

Good luck

 

This has been by far one of the most important things I've read in here. This really gives me a lot to analyze and think of.

 

My only fear is that he will take this choice of mine of staying aside for a while like an excuse to date the other guy freely. Which is not. I'm already dating the other guy freely, and right now, as I wrote before, he's not in an advantaged position, between the two...

 

In the email to his wife explaining the reasons for his affair did he say the reason is because she has never, even one time, had sex with him? I mean that's the sole reason he gave you for his cheating so he must have mentioned the total lack of sex in the email he sent to his wife right?

 

Yes, yes indeed. A very huge part of the letter focused on this matter. Like, he explained point by point all the whys and hows, all the reasons he had tried to figure out to come at a solution (without any success, in the end).

He literally made a list, the first part focused on his "faults", the second part on her ones.

 

It actually broke my heart to read her answer.. It was something like "I failed you again. I'm sorry"

 

I'm really having a hard time to realize what's going on for real. The only thing I'm sure of is that this man goes as fast as a racing car. In everything. In his feelings, in his decisions, in his rampages of hate or love. I'm almost sure he was fed up with his marriage, but he wasn't able to take a step in any direction. Then I came, and as fair as it can be that I accelerated the process, everything really happened too fast. In a suspicious way. And the thing is that I'm not really listening to these alarm bells that are ringing loud in my mind.

[Sampson]

I just want to offer something to think about. Affairs are built on lies, half truths, and omissions. To everyone, friends, family, betrayed, affair partner, and themselves. Adulterers struggle daily keeping these "masks" straight and people in the dark.

 

These texts you saw, are you absolutely sure of the context with his wife. Did she 100% know about you and the sex? The sex being important detail. Think she may believe he is confused about his feelings for you but no sex has happened yet. This is an important detail she would be missing.

 

The email could it have been staged for your viewing? I know many of married folks have access to each others accounts. Did he feel pressure from you and stage this? What did he get from you from this moment, more time? Again is she being told every detail or is she being manipulated because she doesn't know the whole truth and feels it is her fault her husband is confused.... she needs to know everything or she is being manipulated

 

Did he really tell his mother about you or did she know only that his marriage was having issues?

 

Isn't the easiest answer to all of these, since his family and wife know about you now can't you just talk to her directly? I bet he will resist this idea tooth and nail, because there are still lies being told to you, her, everyone.

Edited June 8, 2017 by Sampson

[Sampson]

To add,

 

I can almost assure you his wife is not aware of the whole truth and/or being manipulated. How do I know this? She hasn't tried to contact you, the school, or blown up like a wife who just found out her professor husband is having sex with a student. Think about it, it's just to calm. Her husband is sleeping with a student and she does essentially nothing.

 

You say but she wouldn't know your phone number to blow up. She would go down every number in his cell history till she found you.

 

How do I know how she would react? I am a betrayed spouse. I know.

Edited June 8, 2017 by Sampson

[aileD]

My only fear is that he will take this choice of mine of staying aside for a while like an excuse to date the other guy freely. Which is not. I'm already dating the other guy freely, and right now, as I wrote before, he's not in an advantaged position, between the two...

 

So tell him that. If he chooses to not pursue something with you for that reason , then do you really want him?