Try again or give up and move on?

[acidzebra]

This was my first relationship, my first girlfriend, my first love. We dated for a year and a half in college and I loved her so much, honestly, I still have strong feelings for her. We have had such amazing times together and I know we could continue having amazing times because when things are good, we click and are best friends. But there is so much damage now.

 

Basically at the start of this year I went through a phase for a month and a half where I withdrew from the relationship and stopped showing her affection. To be honest I just felt sorta bored, but I never fell out of love with her. We just needed to do more things together, it had become monotonous during the winter and the stress of school made it worse. Also, I had a hard time trusting her sometimes because she had an alcohol problem, but she would try to show me that she could handle it but she said I never supported her and always doubted her. These mistakes hurt her really badly and made her pull away from me.

 

Then, one day I was in a bad mood and we were having a fight. She left and went to a party with a fraternity, and then got really drunk. The next day she broke up with me saying it was for all the reasons I listed above, and I was very confused as to why. Three weeks past and we were still talking and having sex every other day. Finally, when she was drunk she admitted that the night before she broke up with me she had cheated on me with another guy and had sex with him while really drunk. I was extremely hurt but i missed her so I took her back. We lasted 4 days and then broke up again. Then we repeated the awful cycle of talking and having sex for a whole month after that until the semester ended. By the time the semester ended she had admitted to me that she had slept with 3 different men in the course of our breakup. I was so devastated but I still wanted to make it work. She left campus that night but I stayed on the campus. Then I confronted one of the guys she had sex with, and then this guy told me something very painful- she had slept with one of my close friends in my fraternity and had kept it from me for a month. I couldn't believe it, but I called both of them out and they confirmed.

 

Since then it's been about 3 weeks, I have cycled back and forth from absolutely hating her guts to wanting to make things work. I know that I played a part in the downfall of our relationship but what she did was so incredibly ****ed up to me and disrespectful and just straight up evil. We didn't talk for a week but then I started talking to her again and we just want to make things work and get past this. She is devastated and has said she made a huge mistake and wants me back and to be with me, that she would do anything to make it work. But I don't know if I can. I want to, because our relationship was amazing and it wasn't our time yet. She is a great person besides all of her lying and cheating and moral looseness. I don't know what to do. She's my best friend. Please tell me what to do... and if you discount this because it's a stupid college relationship just don't comment because it meant a lot to me.

Edited June 1, 2017 by acidzebra

[SpecialJ]

What do you want from her? If it's long-term love, marriage, and babies, it's pretty unlikely to happen, and definitely unlikely now. She's young, looking for herself, and going through a lot of issues that she needs to get to the other side on before she can ever be with you in a healthy and respectful way (if it's possible at all, but no one can know because her character doesn't sound fully formed yet).

 

Or do you want share her with a lot of guys and maybe get exposed to stds? That's all she can offer you right now, and she may never respect you if you accept it because she never suffered consequences for how she treated you or learned from her mistakes.

 

Something I once had to learn is you can love someone a lot but not want to be with them because you know it's toxic for you. This is her mess to clean up, and you should leave her alone to do it and let her figure out what she wants while you figure out why you'd tolerate being treated badly by someone who doesn't know how to love you.

 

College is for learning, so if you walk away from her and it never gets back together, you'll see over time that it is still a win. I bet when you've given it time apart to stop hurting so badly, you'll have learned a LOT, including more about what you don't want in a partner.

 

But it will hurt for a while, and for that, I'm sorry It will be worth it when you come out better on the other end. If there is ever a chance for you two, it can only be then... if she also evolves into a better person. But sounds to me like you dodged a bullet that will only get more painful if you continue to allow her into your life.

Edited June 1, 2017 by SpecialJ